humans-are-space-orcs-1004

[humans-are-space-orcs-1004]

Human Jon Episode 6 I think: lÙŃ;si

Jon sat down in a chair in their ship. They had just come back from Earth and the whole crew was ready to get back to work. They were assigned patrol duty of the Solar and Lomu Systems, so as their ship entered hyperspeed, Jon put in his AirPods 185+ Pro Max Ultra™️ to listen to his favorite songs. (!! I just came back from Sicilly (vacation) and holy hell in these ten days i must have spent like at least 14 hours in total with airpods on because we were traveling so fucking much!!)

B'ksa, walking in on Jon: Jon! I did not know you had bad hearing!

J: What? Oh you mean my AirPods? Oh no they're nor hearing aids, they're for music.

B': Mu...sic? What's that?

J: This is gonna sound really crazy to you but...

Jon opens his phone to look at cute cat pictures as Alice walks in.

J: ...hear me out.

A: What the fuck Jon? That's the wrong type of pussy you're supposed to be attracted to!

Jon is stunned by Alice's clothes and is flustered briefly.

J: I- uhh fuck I- fuck no that's not what I meant. I was explaining the concept of music to B'ksa.

A: Oh shit I wanna hear this one.

J: Ok B'ksa, sit down.

B'ksa sits down (Fuck did you expect, bitch?)

J: So, like thousands and thousands of years ago, humans realized if they made specific tools correctly, those tools would vibrate in a certain way which would make strange sounds.

And we really liked these sounds, so we spent more and more time developing tools to make more of these sounds and if we arranged multiple sounds together, it created a song. That is music. We invented devices to record and share this music that we love so much and sometimes people even move their bodies to music. That's called dancing.

B': That just sounds like what happened to Hö\ans with the concept of IÙŃ;si...

A: Of course you know what music is but not what a fucking fan does.

btw this one is a bit short because I really wanna play some brawl stars its been 10 days but I might expand it tmr bye bye now

Humans can’t possibly be the only intelligent life that makes music, that sings, dances and builds instruments to do it even better. If even our birds and whales sing then how could anyone deny that so could aliens. Who’s to say they don’t delight in it the same way we do, who’s to say music didn’t change their world the same way it’s changed ours again and again.

All this to ask, what would happen if aliens and humans shared their music with eachother? What new genres would be created? How many (forgive the pun) alien sounds would be created? Would there be alien and human choirs? a chorus of voices hailing from dozens of different systems brought together by the same driving force. What about alien human rock bands dazzling stages across every planet in the milky way and beyond?

[humans-are-space-orcs-1004]

Uncle, how to get to the beautiful country? by Xiaoyu Wang

[humans-are-space-orcs-1004]

Competitive Chomping (Episode 5 of Human Jon [space orcs])

Warning: If i spell any of the alien words wrong then thats because im on a different keyboard and cant be bothered to check each word

Alice decided to go see her family while Jon, B‘ksa ans L‘öšmgj headed into the heart of the city. Jon‘s parents were taking care of Fluff.

J: Oh my god! A competetitive chompdown!

L‘: Come again?

J: It‘s this thing we do where we have a competition to see who can eat the fastest. You register by filling out a form then you compete against opponents to finish 50 celloth sausages the fastest.

B‘: Why would anyone do this?

J: For fun? People pay to watch this. Speaking of, I‘m gonna buy us a ticket each to watch.

B‘: What could possibly be fun about this? You aren’t savoring the food and you don’t even need that much! You could feed a family with that many celloth sausages.

J: You‘re right, it is a waste of food but the reason it‘s fun is because it‘s just a fun way of competing against others.

L‘: Humans have a weak digestive track. Do they not throw up afterwards?

J: Well yeah but we get to watch them do it! Part of the fun.

B‘: How come there’s only humans comepting?

L‘: That‘s not very progressive.

J: No, see this schedule? It says that today only humans comepte and tomorrow anyone can compete. Humans are at a disadvantage aginst other species so you know.

The three of them get into the crowd to watch strangers force feed themselves plant meat that could have fed a battalion of children. Because Jon bought the tickets off of someone else who didn’t want to watch anymore instead of off of the seller, he was able to get front row tickets.

Announcer: Folks, it looks like two of our contestants can’t make it today on account of being murdered by their competition.

B‘: Holy hell you take this seriously.

A: No, I‘m just kidding of course, the two missing competitors are actually the Garsen brothers but it seems their father has passed. He was a legend in the Competitive Chomping Community. Rest in peace, Fuzz Garsen. A momemnt of silence please.

B‘, loudly: What does he mean by that?

J: Shhh

A: You two, what was that? Did you just disrespect the great Fuzz Garsen? Did you not hear me call for a moment of silence? How would you two like to compete against the others? Fill in for the Garsen brothers?

The crowd started chanting „Fill in! Fill in!“

J: Fuck‘s sake B‘ksa look what you‘ve gotten us into.

A big entity from Fhsbeb picked the two of them up and dropped them on the stage.

J: Is this even allowed? B’ksa is a Hö\an…

But nobody cared. Because B’ksa was small. He was not a threat. Jon was about to get embarrassed in front of this crowd. He was already full and B‘ksa was a meter tall. But Jon had a strategy. The way the competition worked was that you would stop eating once one person finished all 50 sausages, then you get scored based on how many sausages you had left.

A: 3, 2, 1, go!

John took a sausage and bit a part of it. He then proceeded to chew on that bite for a good 20 seconds before taking another bite snd chewing again. He chewed for 20 seconds and took another bite. At 1 minute and 3 seconds, the buzzer rang. Jon had only taken 3 bites and he was feeling proud of himself. He looked to his left and saw both the opponents on his left still had a sausage in their hand, one of them had another in his mouth. To his right he saw a contestant with 40 or so sausages still on his plate and he had passed out. So that’s why they stopped. But then…

A: How the hell did you win?

Somehow, B‘ksa had fucking won. He ate more sausages than anyone else.

A: That’s cheating, get off the stage!

J: Why, what did he do?

A: Your bastard disrespectful friend compressed all the sausages together and then swallowed it whole! Surely that doesn’t count?

Hö\ans were really strong. They also had the ability to stretch their mouth really far. Also celloth meat just happened to dissolve quickly in Hö\an saliva. So B‘ksa had compressed 50 sausages into an unholy stack of plant meat which he then dissolved in his huge mouth.

After being kicked out, Jon searched for the interplanetary record in Competitive Chomping 50 Celloth Sausage%, and found out that B‘ksa had shattered the record by 24 seconds!

B‘: So? Why would I care?

J: You‘re the first Hö\an to compete in this and the beat the interplanetary record!

B‘: I don’t see how this benefits me.

J: I literally cannot with you.

******

Alice: He WHAT? J: Yeah the fucker doesn‘t even care.

A: Damn that’s kind of badass though.

J: Bro what the fuck?

[humans-are-space-orcs-1004]

Marriage (Human Jon Episode 4) (Humans are space orcs)

At Jon's parents' house, Jon (Human), Alice (Human), Fluff (Cat), B'ksa (Hö\an) and L'öšmgj were greeted by Jon's parents and his sister. Marge was Jon's only sibling and they were very close.

M: It's so good to see you Jon! And you too Alice! You've lost weight! You've been away for four years and three months!

J: The galaxy needs me I guess.

Nau (Jon's parent): Jon, Marge has something important to say but she said she would only tell after you arrived.

A: How sweet.

J: Well, what is it?

M: It's not a what, it's a who.

Marge smiled at them and used her mindchip to call someone. The doorbell rang. Sonny (Jon's father) went to get it. In came Lisa.

Lisa (Human): Hey!

M: Guys, this is Lisa!

Fluff jumped out of Jon's arms to snuggle with Lisa's legs.

M: Lisa is my fianceé!

Every human turned to look at Marge.

J: Congratulations!

A: I'm so happy for you!

N: That's so great!

S: Why didn't we meet her sooner?

The family, Alice, Fluff and the Hö\ans spent the evening eating dinner and laughing and talking. Well, L'öšmgj and B'ksa were quiet, but they ate. At night, Alice and Jon shared a bed while B'ksa and L'öšmgj went to a corner. When it comes time to rest, Hö\ans curl up into a ball then shrink to half their size. Normally, Hö\ans are between 1 meter and 1.2 meters tall, but as a ball, they aren't more than 30 centimeters at maximum.

B': Jon?

J: Yeah?

B': It felt rude to ask at the time as everyone was so excited and it felt as if the announcement was important and special, but what is a fianceé?

J: Well B'ksa when you want to marry someone you propose to them and then if they say yes they are your fianceé. You plan your wedding together then get married.

B': What is this "marry" you speak of? What is a wedding?

Alice chuckled

A: Well when two people love each other very much and they want to spend the rest of their lives together, they get married. One person buys an expensive engagement ring and asks the other if they want to marry them. Then if they say yes they plan a wedding and get married with the whole family watching.

L': Well how does one get married? Is it sexual? The whole family watches? That is disgusting!

J: No, no. An officiator says they can get married and then they kiss and yeah.

B': Why would you spend money on an expensive ring?

A: Well it's to symbolize the grand gesture of getting married.

B': I see. Would it not be more helpful to buy the other person something they want?

J: That... Well when you put it that way...

A: It's just a tradition. Don't think too hard about it boys.

L': Jon, Alice, the two of you clearly seem to have a strong bond. Have you gotten married yet?

Alice looked at Jon. Jon looked at Alice. They both burst out into laughter.

A: No, you only marry someone if you love them.

B': Have you married your parents?

L': Do you not love John?

J: Well there's like four different types of love. Family love, Cuteness love, Platonic love and Romantic love. Family love is when you love a family member, Cuteness love is for example when I love Fluff because he's so cute.

Fluff: :3

A: Yeah and Platonic Love is when you love your friends as friends, not as a partner and romantic love is when you love someone like in a relationship way. Sometimes when the relationship escalates you marry them.

L': So you do love John?

A: Well yeah but like platonically.

Alice blushes.

B': And you, John? Do you love Alice?

Jon blushes.

Jon: Well yeah platonically?! You know what guys fuck you, go to sleep.

Jon turns to the wall while in his bed and covers himself with the bedsheet.

Alice, also in the bed looks at him then chuckles. Jokingly, she wraps an arm around Jon.

[This is episode 4 of a series I'm working on called Human Jon and it's like Humans Are Space Orcs but with a connected storyline. If you want you can check out the other episodes idk]

[humans-are-space-orcs-1004]

Vacation to Earth p2 (Episode 3.5 of Human Jon)

Alice (Human): omg we are home! I can't wait to go see our families! B'ksa, L'öšmgj, Jon's parent makes a killer pumpkin soup! He even bakes the garlic bread himself!

L'öšmgj (Hö\an): K-Killer? That doesn't sound like it's safe to consume.

Jon (Human): No, she doesn't mean literally. She means like it's great.

B'ksa (Hö\an): I will never understand the human need to lie to one another for no reason.

A: It's not lying, it's just the way we are. Like how you Hö\ans punch someone's knee when you haven't seen them in a year. Please don't do that to us.

J: It's true but Alice maybe you should stick to direct phrases when talking to Hö\ans.

A: No promises. *two hours later*

A: We're here! This is Jon's parents' house and my dad and sibling live across the street. Let's meet Mr. and Mx. Consultant first.

B': Sorry, what? Who are they?

J: My parents?

B': I thought you said their names were Lorax and Grinch?

A: They are, but their last name is Consultant. Have you really never heard of last names before? B': No, I am new to humans, remember?

A: Ok, well last names are like a second level to our names-

B': Like in video games?

A: No-

B': Like in cakes?

A: No, like it's a second part of our name. In this state, your last name is determined by your parents' last name and if you marry someone, you can choose to take their last name or have it be a combination of both. Last names come from like the second millenia. In the thousands, people had to have a second name to be recorded properly by their governments.

So your last name was determined by three things: Where you live, what you work as or something else which I forgot.

B': That sounds complicated.

J: Welcome to being a human.

[humans-are-space-orcs-1004]

Vacation to Earth (Human Jon Episode 3)

The war was won. The ŠHñபி [Milky Way] alliance saved Planet Jம;ர6 from the dictator that took over. The people were happy and free. This meant that the Commander "Jon" (Human), his Second in Command "Alice" (Human), the lieutenants "B'ksa" and "L'öšmgj" (Hö\ans), feline companion "Fluff" (cat) and the rest of their crew could finally relax.

While most of them, the soldiers and lower ranking entities, simply went to the ŠHñese (Milky Wayan) capital planet ஔh to recieve new orders, the two humans and two Hö\ans as well as the cat decided to visit the planet Earth, where the humans originated from.

The main crew of battleship Apollo 697 exited it as they landed on the surface of the Equitorialafrican Bay, which used to be land 8000 years ago in 2024. They were greeted by two cybers (homo robot) who authorized them their entry just now. They handed them a pair of warpkiks each, all but Fluff. He was secured to Jon with a warpag on his back.

While the cybers attached their gear, Jon talked about the history of the warp mechanism on Earth.

J: "Back in 4127, Rizz Nolan invented technology that could allow humans to travel quicker than ever before. A suit that could teleport to a designated button on command. For it to work, you need to stand inside a 'sending warp capsule' with the suit on. It would teleport you into the 'receiving warp capsule' and voila! Teleportation! After a decade of goverment only use, it was released to the public at the same price of a TV back in the 2000s.

After an investigation, it was discovered that the technology used didn't actually teleport you, it just deconstructed you and rebuilt you somewhere else. All products were shut down, but scientists realized that the way the machine worked was it would take the materials from the old you in point A and stitch them together at point B. This was huge, because they could now make clones of people. All they needed was the materials to make a person, and the machine could stitch those together.

That was outlawed pretty quickly though. Anyways other inventors did create an actual teleportation suit, and across thousands of years the technology was compressed into shoes. The public was calling them warpicks, because warp kicks was too hard to pronounce. Especially for entities from Planet &;(aû. A famous influencer somehow managed to misspell the name like three times in a post on Wulbiz, after which everyone removed the c from warpicks.

When the warp bag, an accessory to the warpicks which allowed you to carry other entities was invented, people instantly shortened it to warpags. Nowadays, the sending and receiving capsules are just pads you stand on."

Once everyone's gear was attached, Jon looked up, as in in front of him. It was Alice. She must have been a few centimeters in front of him. She was looking at him. To his left B'ksa and to Alice's right L'öšmgj. The cyber started the countdown.

C: 3, 2, 1, go!

Everyone was teleported to the middle of Jella City, the capital of the Anglo-North American state. The were here!

[This is part 1/2 in episode 3 of my humans are space orcs series, featuring Jon Alice, B'ksa and L'öšmgj. This one is super long so i split it up into two. I focused a bit on the lore of this world, but for some reason focused on something rly irrelevant. Well, ig I'll start writing part two.]

[humans-are-space-orcs-1004]

you just made my day

Hey do you think we’re the only creatures in the universe that like to pet things? What if there are other alien races out there that also have the desire to pet? Do we make a club where we all go out and help eachother pet the galaxy’s deadliest most pettable babies?

[humans-are-space-orcs-1004]

Fluff (Episode 2 of Human Jon)

Hö/an Alien (B'ksa): Jon what the hell is that creature?

Human (Jon): Calm down, B'ksa it's my cat.

B': YOUR cat? You own that thing?

J: He is... my pet.

B': What does that mean?

J: He's like a crewmate that doesn't actually help at all. He just lives with me and I take care of him.

B': Why?

J: Because I love him and I think he loves me too. We cuddle and he is just so cute!

Human (Alice), walking in: You have a new boyfriend? Nice!

J: No! I was talking about Fluff.

B': you named your creature after a noun?

J: Yeah because he is fluffy.

B': I can see that. I think I understand what you mean. I have such a species at my home planet that Hö/ans use as a "pet". It is called a S/arf. Let me show you a picture...

*B'ksa gets out his wrist and opens the gallery simply by thinking about it*

Knsidese Alien (Hbu;3e): Greetings, Commander. We have news about-

*Hbu;3e lets out a high pitched scream nobody on the ship can hear*

What is that?

B': Don't worry he is friendly. *B'ksa shows Alice pictures of his V\hbs*

H: I am getting a strange urge to stroke him with my arm.

J: Haha that's called petting, go ahead, it feels really good and he likes it too.

*Hbu;3e pets Fluff, Fluff purrs*

H: I am feeling something in my heart. Like I must care for this creature with every cell of my body.

J: That pretty much sums up being a pet owner.

H: Alice, Jon, is it possible for me to pet other creatures? May I perhaps pet you? I think I would very much enjoy petting you.

[A: Woah yeah please never say that ever again that is not what you think it means.

This was episode 2 of a series I'm working on called Human Jon :) ]

Hey do you think we’re the only creatures in the universe that like to pet things? What if there are other alien races out there that also have the desire to pet? Do we make a club where we all go out and help eachother pet the galaxy’s deadliest most pettable babies?

[humans-are-space-orcs-1004]

Offensive? (Episode 1 of Human Jon)

A: Jon! I heard screaming, are you ok? Are you injured? Do you need to go the medbay?

H: What, no! Hold on one sec. Ok send 2 tank divisions. That should stop them.

A: Ok, L'öšmgj you heard what he said!

H: What are you talking about?

A: The tank divisions? L'öšmgj is sending the order.

H: Nononono cancel that! I wasn't talking to you.

A: You weren't? Are you leading a different war?

H: Sort of... but before I explain you have to cancel the order.

A: L'öšmgj, cancel it.

H: Well basically you remember what a video game is, right? A: I am literally incapable of forgetting.

H: This is a type of video game where you basically pretend to have a war against other players.

A: But why? Why would you make games about a horrible topic like this? That's so messed up! Do you not know of the people who lost their lives in such wars?

H: It's hard to explain but humans have a way of sometimes not taking things seriously. Like when you overheard me and Alice making jokes about The Milk of 3045. We know it's horrible and we are truly sorry for the families of the victims and the victims themselves, but we still make jokes about it.

A: Is that not offensive? H: Yeah but it's a genre of jokes called dark humor. Can I tell you a dark joke?

A: I am scared but go ahead.

H: Do you see that crewmate without arms over there? Tell him to clap.

A: But... I am blind.

H: Exactly. I am making fun of your blindness, which is really mean, but sometimes if it's between friends it's ok because you know they don't really mean it. But I guess that just explains making fun of people, not dark humor. And even if it did, that wouldn't explain why we have war sims... well the only way I can really explain it is that it's fun and we just wanna compete against eachother.

A: I will never understand you.

Humans sure love simulated war games.

This would make an amazing humans are space orcs story component.