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Numero Sette

I recently hosted a gathering at my new home with close friends from all over. We were there to celebrate, drink too much and pose naked on the construction equipment. The lucky part was that it seemed all my best friends were in one place (excluding some east coasters, you know who you are). 

Other than my heart exploding from all the beautiful people in one area (and severe dehydration) I realized something. Through my day drinking vodka la croix extravaganza, I started to notice some personality consistences in the people that I choose to surround myself with. 

I could hear one girlfriend telling a story about how she was currently negotiating two jobs in one corner and a young man being very demanding of the proper use of a cast iron pan in the other. As I looked around I could see one commonality very clearly - alpha alpha alpha. 

How is it that so many dominating personalities can co-exist in perfect harmony, or was this just for my behalf? I watched two of my best friends who had never met, share an alpaca poncho in the moonlight and it made me think. Why the fuck did they not invite me under there? But really, how is everyone getting along so well? 

Are we mature now? An idea that seemed inconsistent as we fed each other jello shots and talked about falling asleep with food in our hands. 

At times I can SERIOUSLY clash with other alphas. I’ve had a lot of potential friendships end in hatred (of me mostly) because our personalities were too aggressive to work. Some of which ended in bar fights. So why can I be close with some alphas and fight to the death with others? 

Here is my theory and yes I am going to BRAG deeply about my beautiful friends and their winning personalities and if you are annoyed and can’t read anymore - you are not a true alpha. 

The secret is in the confidence. 

I read a quote a few weeks ago - something along the lines of - you are only offended by another’s opinion if part of you agrees. 

MIND BLOWN. This may seem fairly obvious to some, but ever since I read that I keep thinking to myself, oh I actually don’t give a damn if you want to hate on me. 

This brings me back to my alpha crew. The reason that we can all circle around and debate but not fight, compliment but not be envious, understand and appreciate each other, is because each person is confident with their own identity. And I’m not talking about being cocky here, because we all know that’s a huge shame. In order to have true confidence you have to accept your strengths but primarily your weaknesses. If you are aware of your not so flattering attributes and questionable actions, but value yourself regardless, that is true confidence. 

Then you realize you don’t feel the need to be the center of attention and that is what makes you an alpha to me. 

You have to be your own alpha, duh. The alpha of your own life, because let’s be real, we are all self absorbed assholes anyway and it never feels good to be the beta in your own life (except in bed sometimes). The only person to convince is yourself. We are all messed up and all have our terrible moments but we shine when we accept ourselves and move forward. 

Being strong and confident but also empathetic is the golden ticket. Admit that you don’t know what the hell you are talking about cause nothing is more unattractive then when you can smell someone’s bullshit a mile away. 

If you can’t appreciate yourself and the huge mess you are, you are going to purge your insecurities on everyone around you. 

We may be a scraggly crew, but thank you to my beautiful friends who consistently show me what it means to give love to yourself and others.

Stick up for what you believe but stay open-minded. Remember, there is nothing more Alpha then the ability to value and learn from those around you. 

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Numero Qauttro

“Man I should not have trusted my gut” said no one ever.

I’m writing this because I’ve done a very poor job at this in the last few months. But hey, we’re all trying to navigate here and obviously I don’t really expect any of you to take this advice in the heat of the moment. We are all blind, deaf and spinning in circles when our inner voice attempts to step in. 

To start out, if you feel like you’re in a bad situation you probably are. Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all compromise hoping that our situation will magical resolve itself and we’ll still feel whole and fulfilled. The problem with this ideology is that nine times out of ten, you just prolong the inevitable.The scariest part about this is that you can prolong it all the way to your grave. I’m sure we can all think of cautionary tales told by your parents about how they should have done this or should have left that (each other). 

For everyone out there who is thinking, “well sometimes my intuition is driven by fear or by loneliness or even my hormones.” First off, you’re probably in a bad situation right now if you’re already looking to defend your choices. But honestly fear, loneliness and even hormones are your body and instincts telling you there is something wrong. 

Remember everyone’s meter is different, your bad might be my great, it’s all in perspective. For example: you may feel sheepish or stifled around a loud-mouthed, know it all friend and I may thrive from this relationship cause I’m competitive af. So remember you’re the only one who can really understand what is right for you (outside the obvious acts of physical and emotional abuse). 

A lot of us want to fix what is broken. We will cling desperately to a fairy tale version of our life in the hopes that one day it will magically appear out of thin air with as little effort put in as possible.

WAKE UP CINDERELLA and make your own damn dreams come true. 

I’m not saying give up on things when there is the slightest inconvenience but you’ll know when something is truly array cause that little voice will be there. Like a nightmare, you have to listen to what your body is trying to tell you. I don’t advise this, but you can ignore your friends, family, mentors but don’t ignore yourself. Your intuition is the wisest part of you, think of it as nature’s little gift in the form of a psychic compass. 

Society loves to tell a woman that she’s over-thinking something, or being dramatic. The reality is we try desperately to talk ourselves out of something we innately know isn’t right. 

So why do we constantly ignore that inner voice or “gut feeling?”

My take is that in the moment trusting your gut means having things get worse before they get better. It’s often the unknown that scares us more than that dull aching feeling you’re experiencing now. What if I leave and I’m lonely? What if I say no and my friends get mad?

What you forget is that intuition you have, that instinctual feeling you get when you’re in danger, is there for a reason. It doesn’t just protect you physically, but mentally too. 

I know it’s easier said then done, but try to trust yourself. The more you trust your intuition, the more you feed your instincts and the more confident you will be in your choices. And probably be buried in less bullshit because you knew when to say no in the first place. 

Don’t get me wrong, this is all much easier said then done:

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Numero Tre

Today I’m going to write about the artificial ego. A confusing topic about evolutionary psychology and the creation of the social media persona. A very brief insight into a part of why your social media accounts are making you cry into your Trader Joe’s frozen pizza at night. 

I’ve had countless conversations over the past few months with friends about how social media can really bum a person out. Luckily my friends and I barely scrapped out of high school and college before technology became, what I consider, a serious mental illness. The onset of this world epidemic has really come to light in the past 5-6 years from what I’ve seen. 

Sure we had myspace and even facebook but we weren’t literally glued to our phones. And we certainly weren’t basing our entire self-esteem on the number of likes, views, re-tweets - we got from a carefully crafted post of us sitting by a lake. I guess it could have been the invention of the smart phone/app universe. I won’t go into netflix yet cause that’s a whole other beast that I both despise and pray to daily. 

Alright so you are are born into this weird generation where you had some social development growing up B.I. ( or before iphone) where you had groups that you hung out with, went to the movies, sat at a house party, drank 40s in parking lots (I’m from FL), etc. 

Shit, you may have even been part of a community. I know, hard to imagine. 

Then you graduated college and you’re entering the workforce and then BAM Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook Live, Tinder, Emojis and any other app that brainwashes you into losing 25% of your day spent seven inches from your phone, is born. 

My friends and I often talk about this longing feeling, as if you have hundreds of friends and still feel very much alone. I’ve been digging relentlessly for the root of this mind numbing feeling and I think I’m getting a little closer. (This might be the entire purpose of this blog). 

Let’s start by talking about primal instincts here for a second. With the introduction of technology, you can imagine the human psyche and habits have changed dramatically from only 200 years ago. We were foraging for food and building cabins or whatever. So with the rush of this change, have we really been able to evolve out of our basic instincts? I highly doubt it.

What instinct am I referring to?

Let me tell you - the instinct of social interaction. I honestly don’t think our brain computes social media as a way to appease this desire to conform and feel included. How could it? It hasn’t been long enough, evolution takes time. 

We used to be part of a community, we have an innate desire to fit or at least band together. We are talking evolutionary psychology here. So it is no wonder that social media is causing depression. Imagine this, a few years back, I’m talking less than 20 years, people were talking to each other in person. It’s hard to even imagine now a days. 

I promise you, you can’t ignore your instincts. You can’t fulfill them by scrolling through your instagram or checking your snapchat. You can start by deleting your apps then put down the phone and..wait pick up the phone call a friend and arrange a real life play date.

So if you are wondering what that aching feeling inside of you is, it could be indigestion, but it might be you ignoring one our species basic and fundamental human desires - social contact IRL. 

Get out there folks. 

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Numero Due

I am trying to make this a regular thing, so here we go. I want to talk about how loneliness can breed some very bad decisions. I’m talking late night text messages, compromising your needs and disregarding why you ditched that thing in the first place. 

I bring this up because I think the late 20s/ early 30s is when you start to feel real loneliness partnered with that “impending” doom of your single existence. By the way this doesn’t just mean for people who are actually single. I’ve met plenty of people who are in relationships that are more “alone” then us perpetually solo folks.  

So let’s try to figure out why we are so uncomfortable with being by ourselves. The first thing I can think of is the societal pressure to be part of group. Obviously this is driven into us at a young age - be popular, have friends and you will thrive. But as you get older you quickly learn that it will always be quality over quantity. If someone is a pain in the ass, you usually ditch them. Maybe we are just getting lazier and don’t have the energy to deal with your melodrama KAREN. 

OK. The search continues, why are we so afraid of being alone that we will completely compromise our happiness to get a little attention? I’m not talking life long friend here, I’m talking about likes on social or hanging out with KAREN cause she’s the only one free that night (obviously). I’ve  always enjoyed the concept of being your own best friend. Between you and me, I think I’m a blast to hang out with. I can definitely be a bitch sometimes, but there is a small charm in that right? So why am I so afraid to just hang out with myself for long periods of time? Is it my primal instinct to be in a group? Is it my reproductive system setting off a giant screeching signal that I better continue to put myself out there or I’ll die alone?

OK slow down! I’m only 27, I’ve got time. Right? 

I’m just tired of making compromises to have people in my life. I think the advice I’d give (to myself included) is to stop caring not just about what people think, but what they do. I can promise they are miserable as you are. 

My sister once told me as long as you are living your truth and being a good person you’ll feel happy. And this is even by your definition of a good person, so technically you can be a happy psychopath, I’ve seen it!  I think when you start making compromises or veer away from who you dream you are (like when you play it out before bed and you’re super hot on a boat in the mykonos)  that’s when the anxiety, unhappiness and loneliness kick in. Stay on course my friends. It’s better to be happy and alone, then sad and alone. So go for that walk alone, eat that breakfast you want, watch a movie solo and for god sake do NOT text your ex fuckboy tonight after one glass of pinot grigio.  

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Numero Uno

Here we goooooo! 

Why am I writing? On Tumblr even, what is this 9th grade with Dashboard Confessionals softly playing in the background? 

I’m here because I need a place to write things down, a creative outlet. I believe in the power of creative expression making you feel damn good about yourself, for the time being anyway. I’ve grown up during the digital boom, plus my hand writing is literally atrocious so an online journal is really my only option.

Quick introduction and explanation. I’m 27, constantly trying to figure out if that’s old or young. I guess it’s kind of both depending on who you ask. 

And when it comes to me, I guess it depends on what day you ask. 

I’ve been meaning to start writing for a while now and it just dawned on me as my time freed itself up considerably that this might be the perfect time. I am far from settled down but I am starting to form what I like to think of as life-long opinions on character, societal patterns and just your run of the mill cynicism. But again, I’m 27 so what the hell do I know.

I do feel myself leaning towards a more “settled” way of life. Something I haven’t really had since I was about 16. But my settled may be (is most likely) your chaotic or boring.

 I’ve made some major changes in the past few years/months and it’s really got me thinking about what I want or how I’m defining myself (purposely or not). As you can see I go back and forth constantly in the hopes that I’m staying open-minded but it’s most likely my indecisiveness. 

I’ve been a lot of things this past year - a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend, a really great friend, a hated enemy, unemployed, newly employed, traveler, a hermit, an aunt, to no longer an aunt. As you can see I’ve had a lot of changes. So I’ve come here to write them down and try to make sense of it all. 

ENJOY SUCKERS.

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