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i was happy for awhile, doing okay and feeling fine

smiling and laughing, going out and having fun.

i felt a light shadow but tried not looking at it and to run

the sun would come out again eventually, right ?

the sun would shine and light up my dark, right ?

but the shadow grew and grew.

it grew so fast and suddenly everything was painted grey again.

i can smile but i can’t feel it no longer.

and i can laugh but i can’t feel it no longer.

the sun is shining somewhere but i can’t see it no longer.

i remember this is all i know,

this dark abyss i can’t seem to climb out of. every time i thought the sun was shining for me it was only a ray passing by

i am still trapped in this piece that is my mind.

will i be able to make it out ? will i be able to see a bit of that sun ? will it shine for me for once ?

i want to believe that’s going to happen but i’m not sure i’m going to make it

my heart feels heavy and my chest feels tight

i’m trying to breathe

i’m trying to hold on

it’s aching

and i feel like i’m fading

there’s no hand i could hold

no shoulder i could rest on

i’m standing and still standing

but my knees can’t hold me up

i’m breaking and falling apart

but i can’t make me care for my heart

it’s shattered, what a shame, but i can’t feel any more for myself.

i’m not so sure there are any more feelings

or any at all?

i’m a silhouette and nothing more

the person i once was seems to be gone

i feel my heart beating but am i still alive

when everything seems so dead inside

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Cr: YouTube - „if we love | short film“

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Today I remembered. I remembered a question I was once asked as why I am single. If it was because of my self or what the reason was.

I remembered how that sounded to me.

“If you aren’t the issue what could it possibly be ?”

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Is it just me or does anyone else feel different when they’re hungry? It’s like my body looks different to me after I eat, like I can go the whole day not eating and I’ll feel skinny and my collar bones will seem to stick out more and my waist will be a little slimmer. But then when I eat it feels like I grow 2 sizes bigger and all of a sudden I’m fat again and never want to eat again. It happens even if I eat like a carrot or something really low cal. I don’t know I feel so stupid

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It is so much safer not to feel, not to let the world touch me.

— Sylvia Plath

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I am afraid I have no purpose here.

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I tried.

I tried being alive.

I tried to be happy.

I tried to Enjoy.

I really tried.

But apparently it’s not working out cause I feel absolutely nothing.

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I have never felt more alone and disconnected from people.

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Once again.

It’s that time, where I am completely lonely.

That time I suffocate in problems.

That time I doubt my worth.

That time I overthink everything.

Im not weak. Actually I’ve been strong for too long. I feel my life slip through my fingers. I can no longer reach myself.

How is that possible? How can someone feel so detached from oneself?

My best friend has suicidal thoughts again. The one person I admire so much for overcoming his depression told me he wants to die.

Im drowning.

How can you save yourself from drowning? How do you fight if there nothing to fight for?

I want it to stop. This unbearable pain. This silence inside my chest. Am I even Alive?

I feel empty. Is it worth living if you don’t feel anything at all?

I didn’t even know a human could feel this. A feeling similar to sitting in a completely silent room and hearing a clock in another.

I feel nothing. NOTHING. there is nothing. How is this even possible? Does that mean I am nothing?

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I don’t even seem to be good enough for people to care when they lose me.

No one is ever sad for losing me and that shit hurts.

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The saddest moment is going to self harm and realising you have to look for clean skin to cut...

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Im not someone who thinks a lot about suicide but the picture keeps crossing my mind tho.

It’s been really bad lately and my urge to self harm is increasing with every day that I lay in bed and can’t sleep. I don’t know how long I will be able to take this anymore. My anxiety is high , my depression is dark, my mental health zero. It’s getting bad. Like fucking bad.

I don’t want to be in that dark narrow place again. I know what it is like to be there. I don’t like it. But the road is never ending and the finish line seems to be there. It’s really hard to be holding on to that little light that is left but slowly is vanishing.

I’m tired, exhausted, Empty, numb and in pain. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way, but still it’s hard feeling this way not knowing what to do to feel better , I mean at least being able to not feel guilty about everything and nothing. I would get help , but at the moment there is no way I’m getting the help I need.

Right now i just want to be sure I’ll wake up tomorrow morning. Or not. I don’t even know.

That’s the point. I’m confused if I want to live or not. I don’t wanna die. But living is painful. So what do I want. I don’t know if I have the strength to keep going and constantly feel like I’m suffocating and drowning trying to scream but instead my lungs fill up with water and I’m no longer able to breath.

But i don’t know if I have the strength to let go once and for all, leaving my mom and my loved ones behind either. It’s difficult because I want to keep going but the is just no more energy left for doing so.

I’m carrying a bag of stones. Stones I carry with me all day long and when I’m at home I finally break down because I can’t take that weight.

When I lay in bed the only thing I feel is a weight on my chest that makes me breath heavily and panic.

Im alone. I can’t talk to anyone. The first question I get is „why“. Oh god if I knew why. That’s a question I ask myself a lot. „Why me?“ „why now?“ „why again?“ „why is this happening?“. I have no answer to that question. It makes me anxious getting that question and not having an explanation. How can I reach out for help if I do not have any reason to feel the way I do.

I don’t understand. And so don’t the others.

They don’t understand my struggle. I have a home, family, friends, food,.. more than a lot of people on this planet have and yet I feel lost, lonely and empty. Somebody that did not feel those things and this darkness can not understand how it feels. They can not understand how tiring living is.

They can not understand how difficult it is to put on a mask everyday so nobody asks you “what’s wrong?” And so you don’t have to answer with “I don’t know.” That’s the point. Again. I don’t know what’s wrong. Too much is wrong with me. And then they go like “no seriously, there must be something that causes this”. And that’s upsetting. Because I would want to know what’s wrong.

It’s exhausting and tiring.

I don’t want to bother anyone or be a burden because that’s how I feel. That’s what I am for me.

I want to go out. I want to have fun. I want to live. I want to be able to be at peace with my mind and myself. It’s just not that easy.

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Do you see the struggle

In my eyes

Do you see how I’m trapped

Inside of my mind

Do you see through my mask

Because it’s slowly cracking

Do you see my hidden tears

The ones I’ve been masking

Do you see my imperfections

The ones I try so hard to hide

Can you see my contemplation

When I think thoughts of suicide

Can you see that I’m trying

But it’s never enough

Can you see I’m a failure

Although I never give up

Do you see how my smile

Never reaches my eyes

Do you see how I’m just a girl

Hiding in disguise

You would never call me pretty

If you could see my scars

You’d never think I’m worth it

If you looked through my eyes

Can’t you see

All I am is a broken mess

Like a shattered mirror

You can never fix.

-Alex Bayes