hotcaketake-blog

[hotcaketake-blog]

I’m not always the bigger person

ive had this friendship that has been a burden right from the start, but i thought i had to be Nice and let this person into my life. I thought i was being rude for getting bad vibes from this person. But i realize now, far too late, that i was just not keeping my boundaries.

this friendship started about three years ago, we became friends through a mutual friend. the mutual friend was and still is my roommate.

and the worst part is i dont think im the real victim here. our mutual friend gets the worst of it, and is trying to cut them out more than i really am. i think i should elaborate on this but i might do it in another post.

since last year the mutual friend and i have gotten less and less tolerable of our friend. it isn’t fair or kind to this friend, but i think it’s our way of cutting this friend off.

it started off with the mutual friend and i trying to curb the friend’s behavior. this friend was and still is particularly mean to our mutual friend. i hate it, and i try to tell both of them when this behavior happens and what needs to happen for it to stop. The friend has yet to stop

the friend has also had their fair share of struggles. and id know because anytime anyone else has a problem, the friend has a bigger one. 

so this friend is in therapy. which is good. but theyre convinced they have a disorder they dont actually have. okay maybe i cant diagnose them, but this is really something they pretend to have symptoms of so, its hard to believe that they actually have it. i think theyre just narcissistic. 

they havent improved at all, or shown that theyre trying. 

and its very easy to say that they are not trying.

and i know better. i know that recovery is slow. i know that therapy and coping mechanisms can come slow. I can see them struggling with their emotions.

but they crossed my boundaries. and when i said ‘dont do that again’ in a stern voice i didn’t know i had, they threw themself a pity party. and then they crossed the same line with our mutual friend. and because our mutual friend wasnt taken seriously, the friend still crosses our mutual friends boundary. 

but im not always the bigger person, and thats where my guilt is in blaming this friend for this abysmal relationship.

im cold. i know i dont talk to anyone about my feelings. i know i forget to ask people about their feelings. i know i avoid anyone going through negative things. its not that i dont like anyone, its that i dont know how to process emotions, put words to them, or hold someone through a crisis. 

and i need to work on me. 

but i cant work on me until i figure out how much of this relationship was because of me, and how much of it was made up by my friend.

[hotcaketake-blog]

Something that I’ve learned recently is that you should not feel bad about getting rid of someone in your life if they impact it negatively.

The pity party has to end sometime.

[hotcaketake-blog]

talking things out only works when there’s mutual respect.

‘why are you so quiet?’ | laurelled (via sourfacebylaurelled)

[hotcaketake-blog]

Toxic friendships are just as bad as toxic relationships, if your friend is draining the happiness out of you and constantly drilling negative energy into you then they are no good for you. I understand that you love them, or maybe you’ve just been friends for so long that you don’t know how to let go and have a life without them but you need to think about what that person is doing to you mentally and emotionally - or even physically. If they’re consistently bringing you down, or they don’t shower you in compliments and love but instead they belittle you and take the piss out of you, that’s not friendship - that’s abuse.

Hanging out with the right people aka people who genuinely care about your wellbeing and happiness is what’s good for you and your mental health.

I’m not saying you have to drop them completely (although in some cases that’s the wisest thing to do) but you can cut down how much time you spend around them, do it for yourself. You’re under no obligation to stay friends with people who bring you down and make you miserable.

[hotcaketake-blog]

What healthy friendships look like

My friends do not pressure me to talk about my feelings. They give me the space I need and accept that I have to figure out some things by myself.

They do not make me feel like I owe them any information about myself. They do not ask of me to prove that I trust them. They do not guilt trip me into giving away something that I want to keep to myself.

Yet they let me know that they’ll always be there for me. When I am ready to talk, they’ll be there to listen and to understand. Because we know that we love each other unconditionally.

Respecting ones personal space is the key to any healthy relationship.

[hotcaketake-blog]

a lot of the times, toxic friends are portrayed as knowingly manipulative, skilled gaslighters who know what they’re doing, but that’s not always accurate. 

there are toxic friends who don’t know they’re toxic. there are toxic friends who don’t try to hurt you. there are toxic friends who don’t change not because they don’t care, but because they don’t believe you.

there are toxic friends who are hurting. there are toxic friends who aren’t okay. there are toxic friends who are insecure.

none of that changes the fact that they are toxic. even if they don’t know they’re toxic, even if they don’t try to be, even if they don’t think they are even when you tell them, they can still be toxic. them hurting doesn’t mean that they have the right to hurt you. them being not okay doesn’t mean they can attack your okay. them being insecure doesn’t equal them being allowed to make you insecure.

[hotcaketake-blog]

Just so you know

[hotcaketake-blog]

I’ve learned that if someone threatens my peace of mind, self-respect, or self-worth… I must walk away. I owe it to myself… I owe it to my future.

Steve Maraboli (via tanya-nicole)

[hotcaketake-blog]

How to know when to end a friendship:

1.) When the percentage of time you spend unhappy with the friendship outways the time you spend happy. 2.) Imagine it isn’t a friendship, but instead a relationship, would you break up with that person?

[hotcaketake-blog]

Don’t trust people who continue to tease you about something after you’ve made it clear that it hurts you and you’re self conscious about it.

[hotcaketake-blog]

Some toxic friendships jump back and forth between great and awful—that inconsistency can be a red flag. “The unpredictability takes a toll on you,” says Levine. “It can make you anxious, nervous, or depressed when you don’t know what to expect from a friend whom you’re supposed to rely on.

7 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship (via sweaterpawlarry)

[hotcaketake-blog]

i walked away from you and i will continue to walk away from people like you just as easily as you choose to harm and do wrong by everyone good that you meet

- d.c. (via a-pen-and-some-words)