hotboyfreighttrain

[hotboyfreighttrain]

there’s this arachnid könig bracelet that’s the whole “ana bracelet” color and it’s the same seller that i got my ghost bracelet from .. it is rather nice .. but i don’t fancy him

ANYWAY . cleaning my room!!!

[hotboyfreighttrain]

might download a journal app or something so i can log my daily miles and whatnot because im sick of this rut guhfhffd

[hotboyfreighttrain]

did 5mi on my bike and im getting these weird pinchy pains inside BUT its otay

[hotboyfreighttrain]

help a disabled trans man afford food, necessities and start saving for top surgery in a few years? my name is silas and ive just (finally) set up an etsy shop to sell custom patches ^w^ if you cant buy, please share. i currently live in unsafe situations (between parents, exes etc) and struggle to afford food while trying to recover from an ED. anything helps 🖤🐾 link is at the top of this post and in my profile. UK ONLY RIGHT NOW

╰┈➤ etsy unfortunatley takes money from what i sell, and i cant even afford food properley let alone shipping. please dont comment "the price is too high" etc

[hotboyfreighttrain]

i literally could have a nice life with a nice boyfriend i just need to work out more goooddddddff what the fuck am i doing i’m 8 years old and my car is in another county and i need my lisence and i’m tired of living in this bubble of comfort and i hate that my head WANTS to lull me into that spot of zero motivation to do anything—its a constant cycle of “this is my lock in” and failing miserably . thisbwas going to be one of those posts

i need moneyy yuguuuhh i could do so much in the world but NO i kust had to be born in a stupid fucking down in the middle of rural ass georgia when indont deserve it!!!! i deserve so much more!!!! im goad at least i can have that ingrained into my head . ive never had any talking stage guilt or drama becayse if they say one rather big red flag its out the door, same with friends and whatnot

i need to get out of this rut and i need to starve and i need more protein and i need my car i need my lisence i need to move to canada i need money i need a clean room i need a nice body i need a flat chest i need a clean house i need a clean mind i need to make all As in school i need to be independent i need to know what freedom feels like i need testosterone and i need to live one day in my life that feels perfect

[hotboyfreighttrain]

i NEED to look like simon riley it isn’t a joke anymore (it never was) like it’s an undying urge just like how a son wants to grow up to be just like their dad in any way, shape, or form

i think just thinking that put me in the honeymoon and now i don’t want to touch anything besides what would help me retain muscle and keep worse symptoms at bay

[hotboyfreighttrain]

i think i’m gonna do a bodycheck timeline except it’s just my stomach cause .. whats more validating than that

[hotboyfreighttrain]

wow i think last night’s doomscroll put me into the honeymoon

i had a very bad nightmare last night that’s a bit triggering non ed wise so it makes it feel like my whole honeymoon is invalid .. it is not .. so i’m currently waiting till my brain forgets the dream

BESIDES that i might 2mad (maybe omad if i can skip dinner) for the sake of exercise so today would probably look like

tuna: 17g 90kcal | cheese: 14g 110kcal | okios 17g 100

but that’s only 45g .. ugghf

[hotboyfreighttrain]

i havr no idea why that compelled me to just switch my life aroujd i meam i know it wont do anytjing besides make me worry more.. but i want to have a body like simons .. something similar .. i dont want to recover until ive cut and bulked enough i can stand in front of a mirror and cry cause of how good it looks

maybe i need to do that whole push pull routine n get more protein because honestly i think thats whats going on with me

[hotboyfreighttrain]

just saw a latest picture of one of my fav ghost cosplayers n she had this picture with her mask on and everything except the lower half gone showing her stomach (also pregnant but unrelated) but wow .. her hip bones .. i may be a man but good lawrd it was so pretty uughhh im so glad i starved today

[hotboyfreighttrain]

just saw a video of a man critiquing a woman's diet of 1000kcal and i just had the most bloodcurdling thought process ugh!!!!!

i genuinely has gone so far in this mindset that i feel like 1000kcal is a great limit to put yourself at at 800kcal is okay too

fasting on low kcal intake and all that stuff, OMADing 600kcal .. it feels like it's so normalized in my head

primitive humans used to go days without food?? they didnt have the same access we have, but obviously i know they probably didn't live as long as we do by far... but still...

[hotboyfreighttrain]

finished a 25hr fast feeling good :P

starting another since i’m using this break time to catch up on wl cause it gets excruiciating having to just do fri-sat fasting on school weeks

[hotboyfreighttrain]

got some cottage cheese yayyy and thankfully i’ve stayed strong and (in 2hrs) finished my 24hr fast with some roast stuff ..

my head is foggy but i think that’s because of the unenergized air

[hotboyfreighttrain]

i need to find better places to cut but god i love doing it on my shoulders so much and with the freckles??? the scars are so cute and i like the feeling of cat scratches on them especially when they sting afterwards

[hotboyfreighttrain]

maybe i really do need people to worry about me—as much as i’d be revolted at the idea of someone wasting breath to say “marley, have you been eating?”

[hotboyfreighttrain]

okay i think i’ll feel better tmrw, sorry if i haven’t responded to any comments lately my hotboy charm just hasn’t been the same 💔

i’m gonna omad/fast and keep myself busy cause i don’t know if we’re doing much this break, and i really want to lose weight before new years comes

[hotboyfreighttrain]

my aunt took this random picture (cropped just to my body) i do look a lil too big… but yk… it’s a lot better than what i was