horseyfuture

[horseyfuture]

Lockdown 2021

Welcome, you sickening metallic pervert. I don’t know why I even tolerate you, my dues to the club have long since been settled and yet still you show up with your corrugated spleen and your laminated nipples. What? Oh, it’s you. With your simple fleshy appendages and some kind of yellow blancmange for a CPU. I suppose you will suffice. Bend yourself over the table there and we’ll get on with the show. Liquid soap’s on the side, next to the antique bum-hammer.

---

Aries: You find yourself repeatedly followed by crows. This is in no way related to the quite normal phenomenon in which a murder of crows will adopt a human who feeds them, bringing them trinkets and even offering them protection from aggressors. No, these crows find you sexy. Leaping about in your lounge, wearing your goth tops and flapping your arms to the rhythms of online parties, the crows all agree that you are “SKRARK!” or, in Crow, “one fine piece of floppy human tail”. Well done! Crows have good taste and make excellent lovers.

Taurus: Every time you open that damn Taurus mouth of yours, you sound like a broken record. I mean, literally, you sound like a piece of badly scratched vinyl. That’s been up the wrong bit of a rhino. And is being played using a bent nail. Through the speakers of a brown ‘65 Ford Allegro. In Ipswitch. In the rain. On a Wednesday. In November. That’s a lot of detail to pack into an accent every time you decide to prattle on about crisps. People find it offputting.

Gemini: On a whim, you buy yourself a File-o-fax, you know, from the 80s. You must have seen one in a kitschy American TV show or something. While excessively bored on a Sunday afternoon, you begin to fill in some of the entries from your mobile phone. As soon as you finish writing the first one, Adam, he calls! What a crazy coincidence! You move onto the next, Beth - then SHE calls! That’s just insane! As you move onto the next name, you think “My god, what if I bought a MAGICAL File-o-fax? What adventures could I HAVE?” - You look down at the table in awe, when suddenly it all becomes clear: next to the Magic File-o-fax is the Magic Empty Bottle of Gin. Ah.

Cancer: Singing a song about beans, YEAH! Singing a song about toast! Singing a song about beans on toast, ‘cos that food you like the most, WOO! Singing a song about waffles? NO! Can’t be arsed making them! Beans on toast takes like two tiny minutes and waffles take about fucking ten! (FUCK THAT!) Singing a song into the beans can! While the beans turn in the microwave, ALRIGHT! Naming individual beans (YEAH!) pretend they’re all going to a beans rave! (WHISTLE POSSE!) Shovelling the beans into your mouth WOO! Toasting bread is for twats! (LO-SERS!) Pouring cold beans onto your face and half of them fall onto the cat! (SEND HELP!)

Leo: After a successful hour’s staring at the stippled ceiling, you reward yourself with a brisk walk to the door. After three proud steps, diligently recorded by your fitness band (which you’re fairly certain is now emitting a dull weeping sound), you jubilantly punch the air and have a nice relaxing pass out on the floor. After another few hours, you surf another boost of energy and nearly make it to the fridge. Sadly, though this goal is destined to elude you as you trip over a recently-delivered Amazon envelope. A handful of attempts in, you succeed at opening the envelope (only stopping twice to catch breath) and discover it to contain one flimsy plastic finger measurer and a £60 voucher for a wine subscription. You remember the partner you once had, in the distant before times, so vibrant and loud. In recognition of having had what you’re certain is “a feeling”, you fling the ring-measurer away, order the wine and settle into a nice, relaxing cry.

Virgo: There are a number of St Bernards around your neighbourhood and you’ve started to find them more than a little intimidating. What began as friendly barks as you passed in the street has developed into the odd growl and now barking as the owners pull their wretched beasts back from you, swearing in anguish as their hounds’ slavering jaws snap at your heels. After a few weeks of this, Monthly Bath Weekend inevitably comes round and the problem seems to just go away.

Libra: Some people have been baking recently. They - of course - are twats. Others have chosen to use this time to improve existing music skills, or even pick up a new instrument in their abundance of free time. Shit-eating scum, each and every one of them. You are not going to be affected by this self-improvement bullshit and have decided to strike out on your own, tangibly making yourself less pleasant, skilled and attractive with each passing day. Monday is fudge-eating class. Tuesday, “how long can I sit on the loo?” marathons (5 hours PB). Wednesday is Yelling ‘BASTARDS’ at the Sky Day, while Thursday (being the new Friday) you party on down with a life-size model of Prince made from your own toenails. Friday you slam your face into cupboards, repeating the word “APES” in a dull monotone. At the weekend, it’s time to rest! Phew! Just a few hours drilling holes in the ceiling, a slip, a tumble, a fall, a crunching sound and a view from the underside of a very poorly constructed step-ladder until it all goes beautifully dark.

Scorpio: Fuck this, you’re buying beach balls. Yep. Why not? You do, in fact, buy beach balls. Why didn’t you think of this before? They’re bright. They’re entertaining. They’re CHEAP. You can order them in large quantities, it turns out. “Ooh, I hope you’re not having a party!” says the delivery man, with a wink “HAHAHAH, NO. Actually I’m just INFLATING THEM AND POPPING THEM” you cackle toward his suddenly retreating face. It takes a while to inflate all 400, but the high you get from blowing them up is quite intense! Now you have a house full of beach balls! Haha! You can’t bring yourself to pop them in the end. Some of them are lost to accidents (fried beach ball, anyone?) and others you draw on with crude faces of past enemies, then open the door and punt them down the street with a hearty “FUCK YOU, BEATRICE!” (or Ken, as appropriate. You had few enemies. It’s cheap therapy). The last few hundred last you happily into the next month, though the doctor is mildly unimpressed when you attempt to get them vaccinated.

Sagittarius: Your attempts at making LEGO sex toys go badly to begin with. But, weirdly, you do eventually get better at it. You’re particularly proud of the one where you use the gearbox from the racing car for, well, you know. The winking pneumatic sex-donkey (8,014 bricks) is, in most people’s opinion, your pièce de résistance. You can’t wait for the highstreet to open up again, so you can go and show off your repertoire down the local toyshop.

Capricorn: It’s tough getting through lockdown without the internet. In your case, though, it is entirely self-inflicted. You made a promise to yourself to cut down on the doomscrolling and it was successful! Prodigiously so! You end up cutting out the news sites - who needs them? - then the social sites - nothing but trash! - then eventually you just pull the wires out of your router and fling it in the bin with some bits of leftover chicken. Time passes, politicians come and go, vaccines are invented, distributed, mostly successful (with only a small amount of people instantly turning into tiny, angry lizards) and eventually the world passes through the danger period and back into something like normality! You, of course, miss this entirely and get on with your new hobby of writing subversive poetry on the walls in dollops of mouldy Marmite. Weirdly, you ARE happier.

Aquarius: Lockdown doesn’t seem to be getting to you too badly this month (whichever month it turns out to be). You did get to a bit of a peak when you were popping a Toblerone up your bum while playing kazoos just to get yourself ready for the next bloody Zoom meeting of the day, you now you’re limiting it to one bar per day and only using the two kazoos, you feel like you’ve hit your stride, found your flow, really made the most of every work-from-home hour the Lord sends. Ah, yes, the Lord truly has kept you to the virtuous path. Without your faith, you would never have got through the dark days. Sat there on his throne of Bourbons, wearing his Chocolate Finger crown. Slowly rotating on the lazy Susan you bought so you could efficiently respect His Majesty from any angle with a deft flick of the wrist (and a few Bourbons in the eyes if you get too excited). The mighty Lord. You assume his name was Lord. There were only a few letters you could read on the collar when you found him by the bins. Ah, yes. The bins. The biscuits. The Lord. The rapture. Amen.

Pisces: After popping to the door to bring in a food delivery, you notice the day looks quite pleasant for a change, pop a mask on and go for a nice walk. On the way back, you notice a ladder leant up against a tree, with a strange golden light shimmering from high in the branches. Climbing the ladder, you hear the sound of a party, people calling your name in joy, whistles and whoops, clapping and laughter. You tumble into the golden light and down a kind of shoot as a fanfare plays. The dazzling light fades, the noise abates gently and you are sat on your sofa. On the TV are the words “LEVEL 4: YODELLING GEESE”. The geese filling your living room immediately begin to yodel with anger.

---

By the sainted elbows of Bobby Tavistocke, we got there in the end. I may have been a little over-brutal with my use of the bum-hammer there, for which I apologise. Anyway, you have extracted your price once more and I have little left to give. Pick up your clothes and get out of my living room.

As usual, you may of course take a fairy cake. We’ve got the nice ones this week.

DEPART!

[horseyfuture]

Lockdown Horrorscopes

Welcome, horrendous mortal, to your mind-rending Lockdown Horrorscopes. It has been some time since you last graced my tent with your questioning buttocks. No, do not cross my palm with silver, we use contactless now. Just press it on that bit of the window there. Excellent. Your payment has been accepted. Let us discover what the universe needs you to hear...

---

Aries: After many weeks of lockdown, you are beginning to have conversations with inanimate objects around the house. In the middle of a one-sided argument with the toaster, a small, flint-hard piece of green-tinged pitta bread joins the debate, taking the toaster’s side and calling you a “scruffy tossbag”. You may be hallucinating, though also, that pitta bread has been there QUITE A WHILE. The pitta is chewy, but stops talking after a while. A little time later the room becomes a little sloshy, like gravy in a bowl. The fruit bowl pipes up as you walk past. It calls you a wanker.

Taurus: To fend off the tedium, you decide to play a joyful round of “how many chairs can you put on a chair”, to which the answer turns out to be “six, before getting a face full of chair”. While bleeding gently onto a chair, you consider that future sources of entertainment might be more wisely centred around (say) pillows, or kittens, or candyfloss. You do not own any of these things, sadly, as you sold what you did have to get more chairs, very much failing to anticipate the sorts of items commonly found to be of use in a lockdown. Oh well. You sigh resignedly and begin to put a chair precariously on top of some other chairs.

Gemini: Having had more Skype calls with family than anybody can healthily defend, you decide to take a long, relaxing bath. Unfortunately, you are running low on soap. Also, you forgot to stock up on bubblebath last time you went to the shop. And water. Additionally, you do not own any towels. Or a bath. Or the room for a bath. A bathroom, if you will. Still, not to be held back by trifling inconveniences, you diligently strip off and scrub yourself vigorously all over, while sat naked on the kitchen floor. Eventually, the people who own the house return and a Series of Exciting Conversations follow.

Cancer: Because you are so wildly creative and unique, you decide that among your already proven range of wondrous skills, such as writing crap poetry, making crap fan art for mawkish period dramas and attaching small pieces of technical lego to a crap hat, you will blow the minds of your friends by becoming... a baker! Yes. This will mark you out as a trend setter. You carefully go to the shop, observing social distancing except when you aren’t which is always and buy ALLLLL the ingredients for bread making. Literally all of them. So nobody else can make bread. Returning home, you valiantly point your wild intellect at the problem and, with a little help from a BBC recipe guide: YOU MAKE BREAD. It is crap.

Leo: You receive an unexpected parcel. The parcel contains mostly lizards. As well as the lizards, there is a bright red jewel which sparkles enticingly. You discover that the jewel allows you to control the lizards. And also, to see through their eyes. You, furthermore, hear their lizardy thoughts, although to be fair, their minds are fairly quiet and their thoughts are mostly “Woohaar! I’m a lizard!” With your newfound powers, you decide you will finally be freed from your virus-laden lockdown. No longer will you be caged by a mere four walls. You send your lizard army forth to bring you new sights, sounds and experiences. Unfortunately, almost everything is shut and the outside world is pretty dull. After a bit, one of the lizards politely asks if they might have their minds back, to which you accede. They agree to pop round on Thursdays. They’re good lizards.

Virgo: The Gods smile upon you today. The Gods wink at you, also. The Gods send you a direct message asking you how you’re doing today and mention that you’re looking great in that recent profile photo. The Gods say they’re doing alright, you know, but feeling kinda lonely since Karen left, so hey, did you ever get back together with Steve? No? That’s a real shame, you were a sweet couple. The Gods ask if that means you’re still single, then? You are? Oh, baby, there ain’t no justice. What you need’s a real man. You sure do. You deserve one. Or maybe even better. The Gods wonder if you’ve ever made it with a deity. The Gods wonder how come you went so quiet. The Gods say aw, come on, don’t be like that. The Gods themselves go quiet for a while. The Gods send you unsolicited photographs of their genitalia. You block the Gods.

Libra: As you open your kitchen cupboard, a wizard appears before you and tells you that of the two remaining cans of soup, one of them contains not just soup but truly endless riches: the meaning of the universe and an infinite lifespan granted to the opener, with which to explore and enjoy the myriad beauties to be found in a boundless cosmos. In the other can: SUFFERING. Problematically, though, one of the cans is tomato soup from a fairly reputable brand and the other is leek and celeriac, which your weird aunt sent you about four years ago and seems to have been manufactured by ancient Welsh hippies. You go to open the tomato and the wizard winces and whistles through his teeth. You reach toward the leek and celeriac. The wizard smiles and waggles his eyebrows. Bugger this, you open the tomato, the wizard disappears and your arse immediately falls off. You have no regrets and the soup’s pretty good.

Scorpio: You are the twat that took all the toilet roll. Helpful. Aren’t you a good little pandemic pixie? Getting up at shithead o’clock in the morning and nicking all the stuff that your neighbours might have wanted. They suspect you. They saw you carrying your many, many bags past their windows and into your flat. But what they don’t know is that you’re not using it the way they imagine. You haven’t done a poo in over five weeks now. Not since you superglued your bum together. They’d think you were crazy, but you had to. To save the toilet roll for Greater Things. The pains come again, as your tummy heaves and you try to poop through a blocked up bum, but you breathe deeply and in time this passes. Now you are free to return to your great work. Your 20ft high pornographic sculpture of the Queen, made entirely from papier mache. Your Majesty looks down on you in erotic approval.

Sagittarius: Carnival tiiiiime! It’s carnival time! CARNIVAL TIME! Oh boy, oh boy, you can’t wait! You LOVE carnival time! You’ve been waiting so long, and they said you weren’t going to have carnival time because of the virus, but you weren’t gonna miss out! CARNIVAL TIIIME! There’s a strange knocking sound. That’s not usually part of carnival time. You follow the sound to the door, which you open gingerly. Who? Ah. OK. Right you are. I see. Yup. Yup. I will. No, you’re right. I’ll do that. I will. I’ll put it back. I thought you wouldn’t mind. It’s not a real one, it’s just a, no, OK, I’ll get rid of it. And the fish. I got it online. I’ll look after. OK, no, I understand. I know. I will. I’ll wipe it off. Yep. I will. Right away. Sorry. OK. Bye mom. So. Uhhh. Yep. Yeeeep yep. It is definitely not carnival time.

Capricorn: You begin to suspect that there is something going on with your neighbours next door. There are animal sounds late at night and you’re certain they have no pets. Sometimes you hear a tapping, it seems rhythmical. Almost like Morse code. How you wish you’d remembered the symbols they taught you for that when you were at school. One morning, you wake up and sit bolt upright as the sounds of a plaintive, strangled scream are quickly drowned out by a guttural groan of ecstasy, as if something huge and ancient had been satisfied in a way that only demons would commend. Sullen red illumination fades from the windows and all becomes silent once more. You resolve to ask the vicar if he’d consider wearing headphones on his Zoom calls in future.

Aquarius: You decide that you will spend the week not wearing a bra. Why not? Why shouldn’t you at least enjoy some of the more free and easy aspects of long term self-isolation. After the week, though, you sort of miss the bra, so you start wearing it again for a few days. Yeah, actually, this is kind of better. And if this is better, how good would two bras be? You try it out. Feels amazing. Why didn’t you try this before? How could you not have realised that the problem wasn’t tight bras or ill-fitting bras, or always having to wear a bra, the problem was: Not ENOUGH bras. You immediately add a third bra. Holy crap, this is the life. Five or six bras in, you’re starting to slow down a bit, not least because of the underwiring, but you feel incredible, and the SUPPORT is off the chart! The door bell rings. You clatter to answer it, now a somewhat difficult proposition given all the bras. Delivery guy leaves a large parcel on the floor to maintain social distancing, which makes picking it up a little tricky. Again. All the bras. You hobble inside and manage to pop open the parcel. Ah yes. More bras. Perfect.

Pisces: Day 37. You miss your partner. It’s been weeks now and while the occasional saucy video call has kept some semblance of intimacy together, you have needs and an itch you cannot truly scratch. Your hamster runs noisily in its catch, the wheel squeaking. The hamster gets more exercise than you these days. If only you hadn’t sold that treadmill. You feel a kinship to the hamster, tinged with guilt. Now you yourself are confined in your house, you feel bad for locking up little Hammy. In fact, you decide to let Hammy out. You share a strange kinship with Hammy now, fellow prisoners in life’s lonely cage. So lonely. Just you and Hammy. All alone. Nobody else around. Poor little Hammy. All alone, just like you. Day 38. You look at Hammy. Hammy looks at you. Tired, but loving, Hammy’s eyes seem to say a lot of things to you and you feel a different kind of guilt now, looking into them, albeit mixed with gratitude. You put an extra helping of food in the cage, fill up the water bottle and think about where you find yourself in these strange times. You glance back up at the cage and think. “They’re going to make me marry that hamster”.

---

YES! The vision is complete. The skies briefly whirl, the oceans dance then subside and the stars cease their jagged oscillations abruptly and settle down with some snacks to watch Netflix. You have heard the universe’s dark narrative and your brain structures are indelibly marked with what must come. Now go. And tell nobody you visited me today. The police regretfully do not consider this to be classed as an essential journey.

[horseyfuture]

The Zondiac Cometh. Bark bark.

This week is a special week. The burgeoning lights of a new solar rotation, in which our proximity to the Horse Nebula is particularly influential and the hooves of Zontar’s minions clatter audibly through our lives and decisions.

The events of this week will be of particular significance to you if you are elderly, or left-handed. Or King Herod.

Observe well these chantings, clasp them to your woolen work-sheath as you once-more re-enter the machine for a week’s toil among the cogs and oil and sweat of the clanking, soul-crushing mechanical Jedward which the government forces you to propel. Know that soon you may arise and slay them by the hand of the very towering wooden bell-ends they thought to use to enslave us all.

Soon, but not now. Now it is time… for HorrorScopes.

—

Aries: Some tears seem to have got into your flute. This is both perplexing and an irritation. It really affects the timbre and you will need to stop and give it a proper clean. How odd - even as you clean the flute and dry it with your special flute-drying apparatus, giving it a loving polish to keep the rust away, it seems once more to fill up with tears. Where can they be coming from? Is this a prank? Is some heavenly orphan weeping with incredible precision into your musical instrument for reasons unknown? Ah, no, the truth is more easily found than that. Merely glance downwards. The cardigan. The sandals. The flute. If only you had spent more time chasing boys.

Taurus: An awkward ache in your left elbow informs you of ill tidings on the horizon. It is not wrong. These can, however, be mitigated in the usual fashion. First, prepare a bed of fennel and coriander. Sprinkle chopped parsley and light your juniper incense. Raise aloft the chalice of Mackintyre and turn around thrice to draw down his blessing. Now, drink the gin. Drink the fucking gin. All of the fucking gin. Contemplate how much life has improved and how delightfully cool the tiles feel against your cheek. Ahhh. Gin.

Gemini: Lovers and admirers surround you this week, though at first it may not be obvious - the signs are definitely there. If you notice a friend (or colleague, perhaps) who regularly passes you on the left hand side and smiles, the stars decode this message for you: this is their way of saying “You attract me - though I am timid, If you were to take me, I would be yours”. Heed their message and select your mate, for surely now is the time to act. Either that, or while you were sleeping, somebody drew a massive cock on your cheek, which everybody finds hilarious. It truly could be either.

Cancer: Your cock-drawing activities have not gone unheeded this week. While some colleagues view the matter with humour and good nature - and others simply enjoy the attention, at least five are now plotting your demise using a series of horribly-spiked war-truncheons. Do not question the origin (or convenience) of these cruel weapons of human punishment, instead you must seize the moment and act while you still have time! Draw MORE cocks! BIGGER cocks! SPUNKIER cocks! HAIRIER cocks! Draw cocks on the faces of people you have not even met! Don’t even wait until they’re sleeping! Announce a general meeting, lock the doors behind them and throw yourself madly into the baying crowd, truncheons or no truncheons, damn them all to hell, nobody gets out of this room without a badly-drawn cock scribbled over their ridiculous faces, this you command!

Leo: Business. The deck you prepared for the investor meeting is, perhaps, your finest work to date. You are thrown to the floor by somebody from accounts, who draws a cock on your face and runs off.

Virgo: Your finances fare well this week, though you are dogged by feelings of guilt and unease. Is it wrong to put acid in your friend’s pasty? No, sure, we all do that. It adds a little variety to life. Is it then wrong to put a sharpie in their hand and whisper ‘UNLEASH THE COCKS’? Not in the least. Standard operating procedure. The only point at which your morality could possibly be called into question during the day’s events was when you opened the kiosk selling the horribly-spiked war-truncheons. If your prices weren’t so unarguably reasonable, that could be considered profiteering.

Libra: Your landlord gets in touch to discuss the boiler. The conversation goes badly. They come to your house. Your landlord turns out to be a large and particularly aggressive ostrich. Your landlord is hungry. So very hungry. Run, run away from the ostrich. Run as fast as you can, yet he’s always behind you. They can run so very fast. Is he toying with you? Yes. That’s right. He’s toying with you. Oh god, so tired. At least it will be over soon. Wait… he’s going for your back pocket! Oh god! No. No, he’s stopped. He’s become docile and is standing by the road-side, gently picking at his feathers. He took something from your pocket, what could it be? Yes! Of course! He just wanted to borrow your pen! Thank god, the nightmare is over. You are devoured by passing wasps.

Scorpio: The capslock key on your keyboard has a little light on it. Of course it does. They all do. It lights when you turn on capslock. It dims when you turn if off again. This week, however, you discover that if you leave the room, but wait quietly in the door way and watch your laptop in the mirror, in the darkness, your capslock key flashes a sequence of codes again and again, signalling into the night until you dash into the room to catch it in the act. You try to decode the message, but to no avail. The stars have the answer, though. They received the message and have acted. The message was: “BUY MORE PLUMS”.

Sagittarius: Priests. We all know they’re erotic - how couldn’t we? - but you didn’t realise until recently that they were also amazingly absorbent.

Capricorn: Tonight would be a good time to light the special candles you have arranged on your wooden altar. You will achieve your deepest desires. Yes. By the ancient spirits of Murcough and Thrungor, the Kenwood Z-94 (mark II) 5.1 Home Theatre Surround System will be yours. Perfect for enjoying a friendly competition game of Tekken with your entire neighbourhood (or half-deaf pet tarantula).

Aquarius: Though each day wears you down and sometimes you question if you would be happier elsewhere, it is always important to examine your life choices with a dash of objectivity and perspective. Things that appear troublesome may really be small-fry and people who loom large today, so large they block out the light in the room, might soon seem tiny, like an ant. Yes, they all look like ants from up here. Little ants, scurrying around to their jobs, never stopping, never looking up to see who’s watching them. Watching and preparing. Waiting for the jelly to set. Soon, they will know its flavour.

Pisces: A time of spiritual re-connection is upon you, Pisces. It is possible that your family roots go back further than you may have ever dreamed, to a people and place that you consider alien, but could (given the chance) one day call home. Pack your provisions and set out, the direction is in your heart. Wander until you are found. Greet the elders with a smile. Accept the offerings, allow them to braid your hair, adopt the tribal name with which they bless you. Jump to your feet with your new brothers. Grasp the Tomohawk tightly! Hunting time is here!

—

Good. No, excellent! You have survived the ordeal far better than your siblings.

Only minimal vomiting and yet you remained mostly conscious throughout. You are a hardy one, indeed, and will be rewarded. For now, though, I must leave you again. Do not speak to the shift-manager about our conversation - indeed, do not mention to anybody this meeting and the words we have shared.

The revolution will some day rise and your dedication will be rewarded.

YOU WILL STAND TALL AND SHOUT “NO! RELEASE MY SHACKLES! I WILL OPERATE THE MECHANICAL BUTTOCKS OF THIS GIANT WOODEN JEDWARD NO LONGER!”

Until then.

[horseyfuture]

Carpets crawling with intelligent voles

ONCE MORE, I ENTER THE TRANCE OF ZONTAR TO BRING YOU YOUR WRETCHED HORRORSCOPES!

(Once more I forget to put on the plastic sheath of Aldebrus to protect my furniture from the side-effects. Oh dear. Well, let’s get started, then I can clean it up afterwards. Such a persistent stain.)

—

Aries: It’s possible that somebody put your life in the washing machine on the wrong setting. Everything seems tight today! Weird. Also, beware the vengeance of midgets. The stars say they all have the arse on, today.

Taurus: Messages flow toward your conscious mind from the realms of the unconscious. You will dream about making love to a colour. This is not a good dream. It is a very odd dream and you should probably feel ashamed on some conceptual level. Though, all things said, it beats dreaming about being wanked-off by an odour.

Gemini: Following an encounter with a gypsy at a sweet-shop, you will henceforth be known as "Funbags McKlusky". If you do insist on taunting them, you should really learn more about gypsies and their powers. Go to your local library and ask if they have any books that could help you. Of course, you’ll need to apply for a new card, now.

Cancer: Damn those Imperial travel-agents, you knew there would be a catch in the package holiday they sold you. After a week enjoying the lush forests and wildlife to be found at the resort, you are then given cause to deeply regret holidaying on Endor when you are summarily executed for failing to pleasure a highly aroused Ewok.

Leo: Despite your good fortune in robbing that giant, you can't help but think everything feels kinda loose today. You decide to style it out and ride around on the back of one of his chickens, playing rap music loudly through his golden MP3 player. That’s the last time that lumbering, slow-ass bitch is going to step to you. You’re one bad, beanstalk-climbing, giant-punching motherfucker. Shit.

Virgo: Your habit of licking things - all things - may have had a lasting effect on your senses. Perhaps you shouldn’t have sucked on that rusty Austin Allegro. Today, everything will taste of copper. Except (ironically) that policeman's penis.

Libra: The stars are in a cheeky mood for you and only have this to say: "there will be a burrito involved", then they giggle a bit and go invisible. Making this potentially a bad weekend for an orgy. Although if you had one planned, perhaps you could just turn it into a dinner date and things should probably work out OK.

Scorpio: The stars are disappointed, we have talked about this before and you absolutely promised you had learned your lesson. Candyfloss and armpits do not mix. Bad Scorpio. No toffee apple.

Sagittarius: You will discover the meaning of the word "Vajazzled". At a funeral. Clergy are surprisingly street-wise these days and the church really does offer a wide range of services. You go for the star of David design. As a mark of respect.

Capricorn: Be on your guard. You are right to doubt this Welshman and his extremely suspicious laminated pamphlets. Contrary to his insistence, 'balls' are not an ingredient in ice-cream. Take your business elsewhere and try to drink lots of water.

Aquarius: It is important in life to make a mark such that, in death, the world may remember your actions and you will, in some way, live on. Frustratingly, though, despite your efforts and the accompanying press coverage at the time, your epitaph will fail to mention *why* you were murdered by the inventor of the wok.

Pisces: Lock the door. Turn off the lights. Unzip the gorilla suit. Wash off the ape-spunk. Another perfect day.

—

Fetch the flannels, it is time to mop up the living room. I really must apologise about all that, I only have myself to blame. I was thinking about getting one of those plastic sofas, apparently they clean themselves. But you know what it’s like.

Anyway, chin up, brave face, change of blouse and a bit of lipstick.

Watch the skies for equine justice.

[horseyfuture]

If This Ain't Cheese, Things Are Gonna Get Biblical

Fortune, mate! Fortune! Read your fortune? Tell you your fortune for a fiver, sir? Alright, call it a pound! OK, OK, fifty… ten pence! Come on, mate! Just ten pence for your fortune! A bargain, just show us yer hand!

Oh god. Oh, dear sweet god. I ain’t never seen a hand like that before, mate, that’s bloody disgusting. Get out! Get out and never come back, you pervert!

---

Aries: Politics: This week, as the result of a top-secret ballot, you will be secretly appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer, and held to blame for the state of the economy. This probably seems a little rough, particularly when hundreds of thousands of people turn up at your door, protesting, shouting at you and generally venting their anger. On the up side: free red briefcase. Can’t say fairer than that. Bargain.

Taurus: Entertainment: You are stopped in the street by an elderly gentleman dressed as some sort of rapper, who eagerly drags you into a television studio and points a number of broadcast cameras in your face. After being told that you have no 'ride', the confused man from the TV looks around, distraught for a few moments, then, with a look of resignation, sighs and reluctantly pimps your nan.

Gemini: No, no, no, no, no! You’re doing it wrong again. How many times must we go over this? You washed the right hand 3 times more than the left. Go back and start again.

Cancer: It is incumbent upon us all to assist in the delivery of justice in our local communities. And so, on this day, it comes unto you. Your good turn for the day will be to locate, stalk and brutally execute a man in a full-body Jar Jar Binks costume. You have your orders. Take him out, ganglands style. (NOT Gangnam Style. You heard.) Bring back the head as proof. You may discard the eyes.

Leo: Long-term plans begin to mature for you after many months of preparation. Finally, just as you had begun to give up on the whole idea, your boss notices you walking without your feigned limp and begins to believe that you are Keyser Söze.

Virgo: You will need to focus on efficiency this week. There are many ways to improve the throughput of an organisation such as yours and great potential for reward if you are able to take a step back and consider things dispassionately. Besides; there's no point in having midget servants if you don't learn to delegate.

Libra: You're too shy. Hush, hush. Eye to eye.

Scorpio: Business: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. He might be your boss, but he must still learn respect for your pimp hat and cane. Knock out his gold fronts. Oh yeah! Now he crying! Now he crying! Take his damn fool watch offa his wrist and get the sucka’s wallet, too! You ain’t gonna be buying lunch from Lidl today, no goddamn way!

Sagittarius: When faced with adversity, remember the secret wisdom passed down through the generations, that kept your father’s father alive in the darkest of times: Down, down+forward, forward+punch.

Capricorn: The time is right, you can’t afford to hesitate a moment longer. Pull on your lab coat. Set up the cage. Go and get your syringe. There has never been a more auspicious day for you to inseminate a Labrador.

Aquarius: The universe can be made to bend to your will. It’s true. The correct combination of thoughts and action will bring you your heart’s desire immediately and without effort. Focus. Concentrate. Clearly visualise the thing you want most in your life. Make the picture so detailed and realistic in your mind that you could reach forward and take it. Now, bitch-slap the nearest person who has one.

Pisces: All is relaxation and peace. Drink in the tranquility and let it become a part of you. Imagine you are adrift in an ocean of calm. Let the soothing rhythm of enormous hammers wash over you.

---

These words might have come to you for free, but rest assured, they cost somebody somewhere… dearly. Possibly over four Euros.

May they guide and protect you and forever deliver you from Wolverhampton.

[horseyfuture]

Like doing a stretch in solitary, but inside out

Today's HorrorScopes... May they GUIDE YOU and keep your warm inside, like a kind of internal blanket, through what remains of your life. And Beyond...

—

Aries: Community: You are popular with your neighbours and that will stretch a long way. However, this is surely the last time they're going to let you use the “it caught some kind of computer virus" excuse. You simply must find a way to stop your robot daughter from eating those cats. At least in public. It’s when she chews on the bones. Ew.

Taurus: So, here we are, eh? An unpleasant week of reaping what we have sown. Still, soon it will be over and life may return to its usual pace. Hopefully you will have learned valuable lessons. Just one small tip, though, while we’re chatting… Generally speaking, the judge prefers folks to answer with a simple "Yes, m' lud" over a chirpy “Back once again with the renegade master”. 

Gemini: You seem to be going about things in a particularly circuitous fashion at the moment. In this particular instance, it seems that your friend’s precious guitar will have burned to ashes long before the champagne you’re drinking makes its way through your body to be effectively used in the act of fire-fighting. We don’t want to jump the gun, but it’s almost as though you know this to be the case.

Gemini 2: (Gemini is a roll-over symbol this week. In a roll-over, you may choose to believe either of the two predictions that you would rather happen. Although the nastier one will definitely happen.) A typographical error causes you be the recipient of 20 melons when you in fact ordered lemons. Inconvenient. The same “mistake” appears to have caught you again when you ordered that large boxed set of Dido’s.

Cancer: Step outside of your comfort zone. Forge new relationships. Just once, instead of giving money to a tramp, try giving them a little kiss. 

Leo: Love: It isn’t always necessary to scrutinise the situation. Don't look for complex answers, go with the feeling. The stars promise that when you look into his eyes, you will understand. That much chest-hair just plain makes a priest horny.

Virgo: Food: We don’t want to get into too much detail here (and believe me, we’re the stars, we can see - everything - too much, in this instance) However, without getting you all stressed out, you might want to start carrying a jar or mayonnaise with you AT ALL TIMES. Your immediate future contains a LOT more salad than you typically enjoy. 

Libra: Allow a little "me" time today. Turn off your mobile phone, dim the lights. Allow yourself a glass of aromatic, low-alcohol wine. Some Enya and a light yoghurt, perhaps. Or being brutally sodomized by ten angry greek men. Whatever suits, really.

Scorpio: Oh god. I can barely look. My dear friend, NEVER insult the tattooist.

Sagittarius: This week, the stars have a message for you. Yes, you - personally so. It may seem hard to believe, but it’s true. This evening, step out into your back yard (or gaze longingly through the bars of your cell, depending on circumstances) and look upwards to the heaven. What do you see? Can it be? Yes. YES! The clouds part and the bright, shining stars reveal the word… "Pelvis". Literally nothing else, that's your lot. Still. Phwoar, eh? "Pelvis". 

Capricorn: A beautifully-written letter will arrive at your abode, enclosed in a pure white envelope that seems to weigh almost nothing and glistens in the moonlit sky. Upon reading the missive, you will discover that you are invited to attend an audience with her majesty, the Queen of the Elves. She demands your presence. She wishes to see you boogie. 

Aquarius: Perhaps this week, you will be able to pick up the phone, ask to speak to your mother and cry “HAHAH, IN YOUR FACE, YOU WITCH!” - That’s right. Your maths PhD finally proves its worth when you are able to use it to categorically prove that there Ain't No Party like an S-Club Party. 

Pisces: Analysis: You dream of spinning, always spinning, plunging into dark holes, spitting sawdust from your teeth. This is normal. 

—

With that, the predictions are complete and we may adjourn. Go forth, invigorated by DARK WISDOM, children of the horsepocalypse.

Rear up on your hind legs and whinny into the night!

[horseyfuture]

A slight confusion in the umbilical time wotsits

Tear up the lifestyle magazine. Sack your therapist. Telephone a random number and scream YOU KNOW NOTHING!

But we’ve got your back. Oh, yes. Pull on your prediction trousers, baby, and slip on your truth jacket. It’s time to lap up your HORRORSCOPES.

—

Aries: The stars are feeling a bit vague about you at the moment. Either that or they’re just tired. Regardless: Someone in your life that you've liked for a long time will do a thing with someone else and blah blah, diddly doo, skip to the end: you get inexplicably savaged by wolves.

Taurus: Work: Though there are many factors orbiting your professional situation at the moment, much of it may be safely ignored as gossip and speculation. In fact, the only talk around the water-cooler today that you should really pay attention to is likely to revolve around the sudden outbreak of wolves in the office. 

Gemini: Introspection beckons, Gemini. You must examine your own motives and deeds recently to discover the truth about your destiny. Take some time to slow down and reflect. Listen to the voice of your heart. A life-affirming rhythm that almost sounds like... wait... howling? barking? ARGH THE WOLVES GOD HELP ME THE WOLVES HOW DID THEY EVEN GET UP HERE INTO THIS TREE HOUSE

Cancer: Success, victory and a well-earned contentment are set to rule your world. Put aside the troubles of today and relax... For you are the Wolf-Lord, and today, your people arise! ArooOOOOoo! 

Leo: Add that extra ’zing’ to your interpersonal relationships. Make full eye-contact and smile broadly at everybody you meet today. They will think you're absolutely fucking insane. 

Virgo: As Mars moves into a sideways configuration with Milton Keynes, your week is going to have the feeling of a near miss. But hey, whatever it was didn’t happen! You’re looking good, feeling good! Today's going to be amazing! Just… do us a favour and avoid Wolverhampton. If at all possible. No reason. 

Libra: Obviously, recent events have taken their toll on you a little and left you performing beneath your best. People will make allowances - nobody’s perfect - but still, you feel the need to shake yourself out of this rut. So, what will it be? Maybe a change of diet would perk you up? Buy some new clothes? Get out in the sun more? Have you tried therapy? DRUGS? GOD DAMNIT, I CAN’T SOLVE EVERYTHING! HAVE YOU TRIED WEARING THE HORSE MASK AND HITTING IT WITH A FIST FULL OF NETTLES?

Scorpio: Wandering around aimlessly, staring off into space, never really feeling like you’re going anywhere. Ah, what are we going to do with you, Scorpio? You know perfectly well what. Now, get back in the box, or you'll get the hose again. 

Sagittarius: You will discover a mystical flute with which you'll control the creatures of the woodland. Seriously. No catch. 

Capricorn: Love: It’s possible you will be posed some awkward decisions by somebody close to you, or that you would like to become more intimate with. The stars advise keeping an open mind. For instance - and this is just an example, but try not to be immediately turned off by her suggestion of a pact with the devil. She *has* got *extremely* pleasant breasts.

Aquarius: Today, you will inexplicably start talking like a rasta. This turns out to be permanent, mon. 

Pisces: You’re doing great, everyone is proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. Real improvement has been made all round and things are definitely starting to pick up. You've lasted all week without another incident - who would have thought? So, breathe deep. We can do this. Just serve the drinks and smile. You know the drill. Mmmm. Drills.

—

Hoo, yeah. Seems like we all got caught in a truth-shower there. Looking kinda slippery, right? Oh yeah. Perhaps you’d best slide on out of those prediction trousers and warm yourself by the fire while I bring us something to… warm you up…

Wait, where are you going?

God damnit. 

Another lonely night in the truth-hutch.

[horseyfuture]

Time is but a leopard in the ocean.

BY THE SIX HAIRLESS BALL-BAGS OF HANSON! Screw your credulity to the sticking post and suspend your disbelief using your strongest, springiest belief-suspenders… you know, the red ones! That’s right, my beautiful little reindeers of the imagination: It’s time for Horrorscopes!

—

Aries: Your stars are particularly clear today, making this reading extremely specific. Banjos will feature heavily in today's proceedings. Don’t wear the green braces. Beware of tramps, mothers and the letter 'Q'. Avoid the corn. Get the butt-tattoo, it is genius. And, finally: DUCK! Phew… - close one! 

Taurus: Love: Karma lurks, ready to pounce, like a duck in a nightclub. (For ducks.) Indeed, your philandering past will haunt you today, as you discover that you have somehow managed to make a children's television presenter pregnant. Really, you should know better than this. No matter how hot it was to have a crack at them while they wore the hippo outfit, you’re going to regret not listening when they demanded it in the face.

Gemini: You may not have earned forgiveness, but you seem to have escaped the worst of the consequences. By now, it's probably safe to assume the gypsy has left the area and her curse has worn off. In any event, by the end of the week, it should be safe to touch it again. With iron tongs, that is. Be gentle.

Cancer: Romance: As the Moon obscures Pluto and Venus becomes square, you may find yourself drawn inevitably toward fantasising about lizards. Sexy, sexy lizards. In silk negliges. Wearing bright red lipstick.

Leo: Work: The office is likely to feel quite toxic today. It hasn’t escaped your attention that your habit of tea-bagging sleeping colleagues isn't helping matters. At the same time, though, you feel extremely reluctant to stop - at least not until you’ve flopped them on that dork from marketing. If anyone in the world deserved balls on the chin, that guy does. You’ll have to think of some way to diffuse the situation… but that can wait! Looks like somebody’s eyelids are feeing heavy…

Virgo: Some days, you've just got to brush your nipples against a badger. Everyone gets that, my friend. Everyone.  

Libra: Every silver lining has a cloud. Every rose has its thorn. Every Gallagher family has its Liam. Every bag of Revels has its coffee-cremes. The stars are trying to break it to you gently, OK? It’s going to be a “challenging” week. Consider wearing the extra-strong underpants and try to remain within sprinting distance of the lavatory at all times. That’s all we can tell you.

Scorpio: Remember, groove *IS* in the heart. 

Sagittarius: Following an altercation which scares your mother, you will be summarily crowned the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. It is incumbent upon you to travel to the seat of your kingdom forthwith. Though the journey may be arduous, it will afford you time to record the events that have befallen you recently in the oral tradition of your people. Perhaps history will judge the behaviour of those ignominious and uncouth gentlemen fortuitous in the full tapestry of circumstance.

Capricorn: Despite the witnesses, the police report and the mountain of professionally-taken photographic evidence, one thing is certain this week: nobody is going to believe why you killed that fox with a wok. Least of all, Gok Wan. He wants his wok back. He. Is. Livid.

Aquarius: Um Bongo, Um Bongo, dey drink it in de Congo. 

Pisces: OK, so you're a dentist, and, OK, they have plaque. It all LOOKS above board, sure. Nonetheless, that is in no way the right drill for the job. 

—

These HorrorScopes were brought to you by the wisdom of the DARK STARS OF EL SANGUADOR.

Long may their equine shadows stretch against the face of our pallid planet, steeped in mighty justice and all-encompassing wis— it’s OK, actually, they’ve buggered off. Arseholes.

[horseyfuture]

Info-fondling you from the inside

CRYSTAL BALLS! TEA-LEAVES! THE CASTING OF THE YARROW STALKS! Forget that pointless guff and get a load of me. Time for your Horrorscopes!

—

Aries: Awful news! Mars is in conjunction with Jupiter today, governing finance - this bodes remarkably ill for your tech industry shares! SELL NOW! SELL IT ALL! ROCK BOTTOM PRICES, IT MUST ALL GO! 

Taurus: Hahahah! I totally lied to those credulous Aries gonks! If I were you, I’d put in a call to my broker right now and buy all their stocks at some seriously tasty prices while they’re running around, crapping themselves. We’ll clean up! Result like that deserves a bevvy, I reckon! Mine's a Dom Perignon. Cheers!

Gemini: Good gravy, those ridiculous Taureans are gullible muppets. They swallowed it hook, line, sinker and copy of the Angling Times, I reckon. If you want to shift that crate of Dom Perignon, now's the time. Know what I mean? You can owe me. Regards to your old dear. See you at the club.

Cancer: It is prudent to maintain a baseline awareness of one’s environment at all time, lest she be surprised by an undetected turn of events. Or, as they say in Cheam, “A wise man checks his crisps for spiders when his nephews are visiting for the weekend.” Especially that one with the glasses. Nasty little sod.

Leo: Stay calm, concentrate, you can do this. Now: make a small incision below the left ventricle, cutting down toward the aorta. Good, good, you’re doing great. Just keep it together for a few more minutes, then you can get them all sutured up, off the slab and back into recovery. Excellent. You really must revise this stuff for next time, though.

Virgo: That beard's looking fine. Honestly - it’s vibrant, it’s a statement! Ignore the chap at the service station. What does he know about anything? Sitting there all day, trying to sell people sweets they don’t want when they come in to pay for petrol. Not quite knowing what to say, but waggling his eyebrows like a flightless bird when somebody comes in to buy one of the magazines from the top shelf with the young ladies flapping their bits around. Is he some kind of arbiter of fashion in the world today? Not a chance. Still. Might be wise to put some trousers on, though, eh? They have cameras on forecourts, these days.

Libra: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. 

Scorpio: Scorpio maaaaan! Scorpio maaaan! Does exactly what a scorpion can! Can he fly? We don’t know! Open the window! Wheeeee! No. 

Sagittarius: Today, the stars reckon you should put your feet up. Have a lie in, phone in sick and blame it on the snow and the trains. Unless you drive trains - in which case, get work, you lazy cocks.

Capricorn: Politics: Avoid entering a reciprocal tea making arrangement with co-workers, or any other drinks-based barter system. Deals will be broken and long-running feuds will once again be aired. It might be wise to take your own biscuits this week. Keep them secret. Keep them safe.

Aquarius: Love advice from the stars: Today, you would be well-served by adopting the accent and attire of erstwhile 80s hero, Mr T. You will spend the forthcoming week getting in exactly no planes and a considerable amount of your time and energy will be expended in the field of fools (and the pitying thereof). All of this will, however, make you somehow irresistible. The stars don’t go into how that works. Sucka. 

Pisces: You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. With a drill.

—

Truth disgorged! The ethereal mind-link betwixt us and the nameless horse-minds galloping around the darkest nebulae in the galaxy next door closes, leaving us alone and adrift once more. Return to your daily dalliances as though nothing happened. Show no sign to those around you that you are any the wiser. Return to the hoi polloi and blend in, just like the rest.

Except of course, now you know.

Oh, now you know.

Also, you’ve got that massive facial tattoo that says “I KNOW SEECRITS”.

Hmmm.

[horseyfuture]

Let the fudge of knowledge rain into your life.

Good evening, dear reader. Or morning. Or noon. Look, forget it. I’m an all-seeing, prescient, time-travelling fortune teller, not a weather girl.

The position of your sun is immaterial to me, particularly given that next week, it’s getting… ah, but that would give the game away. Let us begin.

—

Aries: Why waste time pondering the imponderables? You already have the answers you need - thinking it over and over, turning it around in your mind like an unsolvable Rubiks cube is mere self-flagellation that will lead to no boon. The facts are self-evident. She left you because you are a ridiculous pervert. You'll win her back because you get shoes at half price.

Taurus: Bulls, man! Bulls! Who likes bulls? They're huge, they stink, they wreck the place. I mean, seriously, it’s ridiculous. You come in and you’re wearing the hat and you’ve got the threads and she’s all, like “Sorry, dude, I’m riding outta here on some bulls” as if that makes any kind of sense. Get back home to your crib and DAMN, bulls drank all your soup, left the place looking like an explosion in a freakshow. BULLS. Why they got to play it that way? Pfft! OK, everyone secretly likes bulls.

Gemini: Your deluxe 25th anniversary gold-plated Knight Rider boxed set will get you through the holidays, but you won't ever be truly satisfied until you own the ceremonial y-fronts.

Cancer: Decisions, decisions. So often in life, picking the wrong path, flipping the coin just so, can lead either to success or tragedy. This is no exception. Today will bring you great luck if you buy avocados. ONLY avocados. Otherwise, death.

Leo: That poncho looks ridiculous. You can’t go out of the house looking like that, seriously. The fit is all wrong. The colours are horrific. And you work at a funeral parlour. On the plus side, though, they can't see what you're doing under it.

Virgo: Some geese are likely to take an unseemly interest in you between 2:30pm and 3:30pm tomorrow. At first you will feel confused, flustered and unsure how to proceed. The stars say: follow your heart, let them have their way. That gander's a smug bastard anyway.

Libra: An interesting week for you, profoundly subject to the sway and pull of the heavenly bodies swinging into significant configurations over the next few days. As Neptune moves into ascendency, you are drawn to thinking about a change of location. It could be to your benefit if you give this some thought as you… Dude… what are you doing with that helmet? You’re not supposed to actually GO to Neptune, that’s ridiculous. Even if you do have a surprisingly high-quality home-made space rocket. Wow. You really put some time into that thing, didn’t you? Crazy. I don’t know, eh? Librans. So literal.

Scorpio: Trouble at the office. Intrigue and politics abound and will complicate your otherwise harmonious environment. Despite your vigilance and attempts to hold a neutral position in most conflicts, you will find yourself inevitably inveigled. Resentment and ill-will breed more of their own. Anyway: your co-workers motives are not to be depended upon - so eat their biscuits while they're not looking.

Sagittarius: Never rub another man's rhubarb.

Capricorn: No. Absolutely not. Nowhere does it read “The path to righteousness is paved with tiny shrew corpses”. I don’t even know where you got that from. There's something deeply wrong with you, man. I want all that cleaned up.

Aquarius: Love looms in your life, the stars show a strange, powerful magnetism at work that will guide you to the one with whom you are destined to couple. In fact, the stars are extremely specific about this: the next green-grocer you make eye contact with shall bed you and accompany you to heights of sexual athleticism you previously considered illegal. Ding dong!

Pisces: Whatever you're thinking about doing with that drill, put it down and eat your dinner.

—

The time has come! Or is behind us! It is passed, and yet lies in wait. It surrounds us, yet we touch it not. It is inside us, and fills us deeply, which is disconcerting and more than a little suggestive. In these ways (and others), the time is very much like a cucumber.

Farewell.

[horseyfuture]

A Cavalcade of Crocodiles

Cometh the hour, cometh the badger! And such a bright-eyed little specimen you are, too! Now, sit your rump down and pin back those furry ear-holes, ‘cos you’re about to get a blast of future up you the likes of which I ought to charge for…

---

Aries: While wearing one of those coats with the fashionably-ironic elbow-patches sewn in, passing a college, you are mistaken for an actual geography teacher, grabbed by an irate-looking headmaster and instructed to get back in the room and start bloody well teaching people about Burma. Never again.

Taurus: Your nipples have names, you know. The right one is called ‘Kennedy’ and the left one is ‘Zazu’. When you’re sleeping, they sing to you, quietly, in French accents.

Gemini: Every where you go this week, you will be observed by a terrifying 6-foot-tall mallard called Flirty Bernard.

Cancer: Seek out meditative surroundings this week, places of healing. Your daily routine has become taxing and your energy reserves are low. Try finding somebody who enjoys cos-play and giving them a light, refreshing slap at a bus-stop. Fill a bowl with fruits, oils and wooden beads, then tip it over a goth. Lie back and completely shut-out the sound of an estate-agent being sodomized by highly-trained eagles. Relax.

Leo: You are soon to discover an entirely new flavour of soup, for which you are quickly arrested. Soup industry’s mighty cut-throat, buddy. Pay off the feds and move town while the heat dies down. 

Virgo: Love is in the air! You’re suddenly head-over heels and throwing caution to the wind. After a few steamy dates, you soon find yourself back at your place, with the lights off, breathing heavily and being sensuously undressed by none other than Sandy Toksvig. She introduces you to an erotic wonderland of Lego and improvised comedy.

Libra: Your trousers are feeling increasingly aerodynamic of late. In practically any weather, the slightest gust of wind is enough to cause them to billow - a stiff breeze can see you lifting 3-4 inches off the ground, like a kind of improbable trouser kite. It may be recommendable to wear the specially-designed trouser-weights for the next few days.

Scorpio: This week, you may only consume Kentucky Fried Chicken. Otherwise they will release the bears. The bears that find you delicious and have your address. OK? Only KFC. One week. Bears. Do it.

Sagittarius: Octopi are renowned for being skilled at camouflage, but few people realise the true depth of their talents. It is with these words in mind that the stars want you to hold tight for some really surprising news about your underpants.

Capricorn: Imagine your goal for the week. Concentrate on it. See yourself achieving this goal. Imagine the look on your face as you make this moment happen: the joy, the relief, the contentment. Imagine the look in your eyes as the clowns start filling the room. Hundreds and hundreds of clowns. Imagine the beads of sweat rolling down your face as the clowns surround you, pin you down, begin to paint you with glue and sequins. Imagine the darkness as they put you in the bag. Just imagine. Imagine. IMAGINE.

Aquarius: Oh, yes, Aquarius, you WILL play the bongos! Just like you always dreamed! Underwater, surrounded by penguins.

Pisces: The chase ends when you get cornered after completing your latest great work (making Big Ben into a MASSIVE drill bit and using it to drill a huge hole all the way through Penge). You drill down into the subway and flee to your underground lair, but still they hound you. Finally, you are forced to enter your escape pod and blast away to freedom… but ALAS! One of your stray drills (a really nice tungsten-carbide one) punctures the hull and your pod spins wildly out of control, crashing into the canopy of an unknown jungle, far from human voices. How will your story end? The stars wink and insist you will be riveted.

---

Good heavens, is that the time? I’m going to have to put these trousers back on and get out there. Police won’t slather themselves in Marmite on their own, you know. Some of us have to work for a living.

Remember, the first rule of Horrorscopes: No Fight Club jokes.

[horseyfuture]

March of the Space-Crabs

Katanga, my cheeky little wisdom-seekers! Pin back your lug-holes and get ready for truth, it’s very much time to receive your HORRORSCOPES!

---

Aries: This week, you will discover that your underwear has, inevitably, become sentient. Your first conversations are really quite combative as they give you some home truths about the state of your undercarriage, but eventually a truce is reached. By promising to be more considerate in future, you are able to get them to agree to stop making disparaging comments every time you’re about to get lucky. Further problems arise, though, when they form a strategic alliance with your genitals (also sentient).

Taurus: Ever get caught out in the rain and notice that all the people in suits are so well-organized? Those guys ALWAYS have umbrellas, damnit! Next time, try running up to them and giving them a big cuddle while you share their brolly - they’re friendlier than you think!

Gemini: You really should have learned by now that caramel is delicious, but rarely a wise choice as lubricant.

Cancer: The darkness and heaviness you feel in your soul can be lifted, it is up to you. Take a deep breath, acknowledge your own inner beauty and gently remove your concrete butt-plug. Run free.

Leo: Ricky Martin visits you unexpectedly in the evening to ask why you stopped listening to “La Vida Loca”. He claims not to be disappointed, but you can still tell that he thinks you let him down. You dance to salsa music into the night and eventually make sensuous love for hours on top of a mahogany bookcase. In the morning, he is gone.

Virgo: You relent to your most basic, primal urges and find yourself, late on a Sunday afternoon, pushing a goose up a tube. You feel certain this was not what you had planned for the weekend, yet here you are. Eventually, though, you start to acclimatise and embrace the goose-tube. Many happy weekends of poultry insertion lie ahead.

Libra: Police find you undeniably guilty of whistling in Oslo. You are fined 14p and given a warning. And a sherry. And a slightly awkward cuddle that lingers just a bit too long. And another sherry. And a peck on the cheek. And another sherry. Eventually, you all have sex inside a cathedral. On the way home, you catch yourself whistling the theme to ‘Allo allo’, but it’s too late, the police are already on the scene. As a second offence, the fine doubles. So does the sherry.

Scorpio: Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding with a local gypsy, your mobile telephone starts to turn into a lizard at night. This is mostly fine, as it returns to your pocket to sleep, transforming once more into a phone during the daytime (when you receive the majority of your communications) but you can’t help but wonder if it’s listening when you make calls. And you did take some pictures of your… you know. Yes. Hmm.

Sagittarius: You are a bum-wizard. Don’t believe it? Next time you are using the bathroom, just before the main event (so to speak) try standing up, proclaiming “ABRACADABRA!” in a booming voice, then promptly sitting back down… now that’s magic!

Capricorn: You have been sleeping poorly recently, which is slowly turning each day into a tired, depleted struggle. It wasn’t always like this. What has changed? Look inside yourself and you will find the answer. No? OK, then, look outside of yourself. Look out of the window. Go on. There, out the back, hiding in the bushes. There is your answer. ENYA. She waits until you sleep, then sings her bloody awful doggerels like a tiny, mawkish, celtic buzzsaw, slicing through your slumber. Once your eyes open, she hides again, waiting for her next opportunity. DAMN YOU, ENYA, MAY MANKIND NEVER KNOW PEACE?!

Aquarius: Yet again, you awaken to a wholly-avoidable case of baboons in your vivarium. When will you learn? Oh, well. We’ll talk about this later. Better go and get the story book. Baboons are getting sleepy.

Pisces: So, you constructed the palace made entirely out of drills, shaped like a giant drill, surrounded by orchards of genetically-adapted drill-trees, bathed in the light of stars which you had towed around the sky to form the outline of a giant drill. As you sit back on your drill-throne (bit uncomfortable, that one, not your finest hour) and sip from your drill-cocktail (like a screwdriver, but with red-bull in it, served - naturally - in a drill) you can’t help but feel discontented. Only kidding, this is bloody brilliant. DRILLIANT! HAHA! DRILLS!

---

Your mind-cheeks are fat with pellets of eldritch knowledge! Chew on it slowly and keep yourself fed with powerful predictions for the week to come.

See you again soon, my furry little time-hamsters! Until then!

[horseyfuture]

1000 millimeter stare

Welcome! Soul-searchers, future-seekers, chasers of the impossible knowledge - all are welcome here. Attend as we dispense the final, accurate, precisely unyielding truths that will define your very lives. It is time for your HORRORSCOPES!

---

Aries: Night fever, night feverrrrrr! … CAN KILL. Avoid a hideous death from Night Fever by constantly flying around the globe, staying always within the sun’s life-giving rays. Never sleep.

Taurus: There are not many Pandas left in the world. It is an unfortunate time for you to discover, now, that you find them absolutely delicious. From their silly furry faces down to their cute little toesies, they are a succulent treat and no mistake. No wonder they’re nearly all gone.

Gemini: Your porn name is Rusty Fudge-Hammer. Your favourite position is The Unwelcome Sailor. Your most popular DVD appearance is as Gringo #4, scene 2 of Taco Juan For Thee Team - Mexican Love Machines volume 2. Your eventual reason for retirement: you permanently sprain it in a particularly complex scene where Enya and a man dressed as a jackdaw attempt to mount you simultaneously in the back of an aged Volvo.

Cancer: Erase the files. Burn the hard drive. Apply the moustache. Board the plane. Never look back. Nobody must ever discover that you are secretly Noel Edmonds.

Leo: After years of denial, you now accept that it is time to step out from the shadows and tell your family the truth: you are and always have been a secret lemonade drinker. You’ve been trying to give it up, but it’s one of those nights.

Virgo: You are volatile and unreasonable when you have been drinking the night before. Also, while you are drinking. And the time prior to a drink tends to be pretty brutal, too. It may simply be that you’re what scientists call a ‘git’.

Libra: What if your boss was, in fact, inflatable? Imagine that. All this time, you’ve been taking orders from some hollow, inflatable, literal windbag! Preposterous! You shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of indignity! Get a pin! You know what to do!

Scorpio: It appears the pandemic was almost laughably avoidable. If you had simply put the lid back on, millions could have been saved. Still. Never, mind. It’s only Belgium.

Sagittarius: Nobody is for one minute going to believe your explanation of how you got a candelabra all the way up there. 

Capricorn: Today, you will receive the call on behalf of all people - the delegations of the world have come together in one place at one time to make their will known. As one voice, the people of all mankind formally DEMAND that you stop listening to Guns and Roses. They are a bloody shambles.

Aquarius: You will be visited by a strangely familiar-looking kangaroo who reveals themselves to be your birth-mother. Nodding confusedly, you think back to your earliest memories of seeing life from a bouncing furry pocket as mom gently pats your head, pops you in and sets off back to Melbourne. Streuth!

Pisces: You think you might have got a little out of hand last week, with the drills and the tentacles and the destruction (and the indiscriminate murdering - oops!) but this week, you’re doing much better and it’s all under control. You’re only going to drill ONE thing today, and it’s going to be fine and people will thank you for it, then you will have a little rest. That thing? Coventry.

---

Again, we part. We trust the stars were generous with each of you, but remind you that if the path disclosed seems unfavourable and not to your liking, it is within each of us to manifest our own destiny, to challenge the will of the Gods, to DEFY THE VERY UNIVERSE OF SPACE AND TIME.

Assuming, of course, that you possess the Sacred Amulet of Zanthar. Obviously. Otherwise, you’re stuffed.

[horseyfuture]

Faster than the speed of horse

Baby! The camera loves you! Yeah, that’s right! Come a little closer, let the lens drink you in, baby… you’re gonna look GREAT on the cover of this week’s: HORRORSCOPES…

---

Aries: If you’re being bullied or pressurised, sometimes it can help to try to see the world through the eyes of your bully. And for that, you’re going to need a ball-peen hammer and a good hiding place.

Taurus: Today, while idly relaxing and looking at clouds, you will finally realise the horrifying truth about paperclips. (Hint: that talking one is their leader).

Gemini: To combat pressure at work, consider printing the faces of your colleagues onto sticky paper, then adhering them to your naked buttocks and genitals before you dress. Throughout the working day (for instance, in a confrontational meeting that is making you feel anxious), think about your secret photographs and smile.

Cancer: Remember, revenge is best served cold. On ice, perhaps. With a little lemon. Basically, revenge is gin. Chin chin.

Leo: Cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages - YES! Beetroot, beetroot, beetroot, beetroot, beetroot, beetroot, beetroot - NO! Man, why do you have to be so harsh to the beetroot? You’re pretty much being racist to a vegetable. I’m not sure I even know you any more.

Virgo: This week, the stars say that you are extraordinarily likely to wake up in the morning as the reincarnation of Vanilla Ice. This is a mixed blessing. Your ability to glow in the dark is greatly improved, as indeed is your facility for chump-waxing (particularly in the manner of a candle). However, your surname is now ‘Van Winkle’ and you look like a tool. Swings and roundabouts, Bob. Swings and roundabouts.

Libra: Lately, everything seems to be tasting of marzipan. Puddings… sausages… ice-cream… the car… your wife. You panic briefly and search the internet (in case, you know, ‘everything tasting like marzipan’ is some sort of warning sign of brain cancer or something) but no, it seems fine, just odd. I mean, it’s not like marzipan tastes so bad. After a few weeks, you realise the mistake: Tesco Own Brand Marzipan Toothpaste! The plain packaging makes it practically identical to the mint stuff. By this time, however, you’ve got used to the flavour. Mmmm. Marzipan.

Scorpio: Don’t blame the eels. They’re just looking for somewhere warm to cuddle up - excitable little fellers! And don’t blame that friendly Chinese feller with the funnel, he just works here! Really, at this stage, you’ve only got yourself to blame. Or possibly your agent. Either way, you’re going to need a bucket pretty soon. Sploosh!

Sagittarius: Hire the midgets. Unpack the stirrups. Put on the clown wig. Attach the clamps. Roll in the marmalade. Turn up the Justin Bieber. Release the bees. This is the last time anyone will ever say you’re not romantic.

Capricorn: The end-times approach. You thought you had cornered that lying, caterwauling harridan Enya in her secret Leprechaun Lair, deep beneath the shrieking mountains, but when you burst through the door to her strong-hold, somehow she had already escaped. SOMEHOW she knew you were coming. One night, while he sleeps, you approach the bunk of your first in command and carefully pull at his beard. Before disbelieving eyes, his beard and entire face gently peel away to reveal… ENYA. HERE! ALL ALONG! And you’d recently started having some pretty violent sex with this guy, too. ENYAAAAAAAAAAA!

Aquarius: Love life: You meet a tall, dark, handsome Chuckle Brother. It’s Barry. He looks like a shaved badger with a brush up its arse, but he makes you laugh, so you give him a whirl. It all comes crashing down when after a night on the town and a nose full of columbian marching powder, he suggests his brother pops round. In the morning, you wake up alone, tattered and torn, all you can focus on is the same four words, over and over. “To me. To you.” You will never be clean again.

Pisces: The extra tentacles you will sprout this week should be no cause for alarm. You notice that, in particular, they are of great assistance in house-hold chores and particularly DIY. While your hands are busy holding and using the drill, for instance, your tentacles can hold a sandwich, help you read a book, greet a friendly orphan, call a friend or prepare a delicious crisp salad! Mostly, though, you use them for holding another 8 drills. News reports in your area this week tend to have focussed on that, though if anything, your main objection to the phrase “drill-wielding octo-mutant” is that they aren’t actually counting your total number of limbs. DUH.

---

That’s a wrap, you crazy kids. You take five, now. Relax, unwind, rehydrate. 

We’ve got to set up the cameras for the next scene. Don’t let it get cold, y’hear?

[horseyfuture]

Ten times ten is a snowman with a book on his head

Clutch your loved-ones, grit your teeth and gaze mindlessly into the maelstrom as we prepare to bring you this week’s terrifying yet mellifluous HORRORSCOPES!

---

Aries: When asked, onlookers of the forthcoming massacre will generally claim to be equally horrified by the fact that the victims were strangled to death with an umbilical cord as the fact that you fervently insist ‘the baby did it’.

Taurus: On opening your Kinder egg today, you discover inside it is an identical, smaller Kinder egg. Within this egg is another egg. And another. And another. Eventually, you crack open the last egg and inside, discover a perfectly detailed statuette of the pope buggering a Volvo, made from delicious vanilla fudge. Which, you concede, was a surprise.

Gemini: Love: This week, you attempt to give a friend your penultimate Rolo, but, due to a miscalculation, accidentally hand her your last one. According to the advertising legislation, you are then legally obliged to marry them. Fortunately, the ceremony is disrupted when a giant, anthropomorphic hippo in evening-wear appears and stampedes toward you, screaming blue murder because of something you told the children. Just when you think it’s all settled down, you are arrested for illicit consumption of a Kia-Ora.

Cancer: Don’t give up. There is always something else to try. And if you run out of ideas, there are always pictures of cats on the internet. There is always porn. There will always be gin. You can do them at the same time if it’s a really bad one.

Leo: Every time you are met with somebody who is staggeringly over-opinionated and decides to share with you despite your clear indifference, try licking your lips slowly and drawling “mmmmmm. DELICIOUS. Yes.” If they continue, start rubbing your nipples. If they still continue, start rubbing theirs.

Virgo: Inside every fat, flabby, sweaty, balding man is a slender, lithe young feller. Pounding away to pay the rent.

Libra: You live inside a glistening palace made of ice cubes, slowly and silently dripping, dissolving. A testament to the ephemeral nature of all beauty, reflecting, refracting, warping the mundane and accentuating the fragile power of the soul. An artistic triumph, a bold stand against the light, a temple to the transitory. No, Libra, you do not. You live in Portsmouth. Portsmouth. Say it with me, Libra. “Portsmouth”.

Scorpio: The issue with having named your genitals “The Revolution” turns out to be that while it’s good fun to proclaim loudly that “The Revolution will not be televised!” you get devastatingly drunk one night and suddenly and it is. On the news. Right after Corrie. Thank god you shaved.

Sagittarius: When you look into the sky and see planes soaring through the air and wonder if they’re looking back down at you, the answer is “yes”. And they think you should put some clothes on, frankly. Also, you really don’t want to know what the bloke who takes the pictures for Google Maps thinks about your antics.

Capricorn: Consider a pebble. Eroded by the elements. Old and worn soft, but solid and resilient. A hippy walks down a beach and picks up the beautiful old stone. He takes it back with him, to his lair, where he carefully places the pebble on a table, drills a hole through it and puts it on eBay for a tenner. Don’t be a pebble. Punch a hippy.

Aquarius: Due to an administrative error, every task in your weekly plan has been replaced with “twerking”. 9:30am: Twerking with the marketing department. 11:00: A presentation in which you will be twerking to staff from the production crew. After lunch, you have a 4-way conference-twerk with the Shanghai office and finally, a few hours left at the end of the day to catch up on some personal twerking on your own. Get to it.

Pisces: If you listen very carefully at night, you’re sure you can hear a droning sound, quietly in the background. Quietly, but getting louder. A warming, familiar sound that reminds you of the past. A feeling of spinning, of whirring, bringing you a quiet joy. When you awaken, all thoughts of this sound will be gone and you certainly don’t linger outside B&Q, looking earnestly into their window, plotting and planning. Well. Maybe just a bit.

---

Now, at last, you may relax your weary muscles, sit back in your leather Wisdom Reception Throne and drink deeply of the sachet of complimentary Post-Enlightenment Curative Broth™. Let your neurones rest a while, you won’t be needing them for the rest of the day.

[horseyfuture]

The Mark of the Yeast

Ah yes, a new visitor, a new pleasure! Let us see - do you carry the sacred birthmark of the horse upon your ghostly white buttock? Hmmm. I suspect that may be Marmite if I’m not mistaken, but still, here we are. Brace yourself.

---

Aries: Life is too fast. There is no good reason for you to have to adopt this frenetic pace. Pretty much everything can be done from home, hell, from bed! Take a stand… lying down. Refuse to come into work. Deny ALL attempts to entrouser you. Order a week’s worth of pizza, crack open that DVD boxed set of Friends and get your telecommute on. Pretty much the worst they can do is fire you, bankrupt you and try to evict you. By then, you should be waaaaay too big for them to get through that door. Take it easy.

Taurus: This habit of buying a load of footballs, drawing faces on them, stacking them on your sofa and having a raucous 1-man-party is getting out of hand. Particularly when the lights go down and things get intimate. That’s just not right. Putting lipstick on them doesn’t make it better.

Gemini: Listen to one song by Chaka Khan every day this week, ideally around breakfast. It will do you untold good.

Cancer: Do you believe in angels? Well, even though the answer to that is probably ‘no’, you’ve been under the protective wing of your own private guardian angel for some time now. All the times that good luck caught up with you or bad luck passed you by… the parking ticket you didn’t get, the pay-rise you did… all the work of angels. Even while you sleep, the angels are there, protecting you, watching you, taking photographs of you, smearing their nipples with Vaseline and licking you. Angels.

Leo: This is really not the ideal week for you to be caught watching an Ewok wanking Gok Wan off through the eye of a needle and into a wok. Nevertheless, this is your fate.

Virgo: When you were young, for quite a while, you felt you might be a robot, perhaps - or maybe a space alien or shade from another astral plane. Your insides never seemed to be wired up the same as everyone else, you always stuck out. This week, during a surprise visit, you walk in to discover your family without their human masks on, chittering away to each other while their tentacles gently ooze a poisonous green liquid. After the initial embarrassment, you concede that this explains a lot.

Libra: Damnit, you hate getting custard in your beard. This is doing absolutely nothing for your burgeoning glamour model career. One of these days you’re going to have to shave, give up trifle and get some actual modelling contracts. One of these days.

Scorpio: Love life: You will meet a tall, dark stranger. He will yell something at you in Welsh, then proceed to administer a near-fatal bumming. It turns out he’s a carpenter and you look dangerously like the chap who murdered his wife (brutally, mind). He apologises by way of carving the words “terribly sorry” into fourteen beautiful and unique wooden spoons.

Sagittarius: Over the next few days, try to steer clear of goths. This is their rutting season and it’s a well-known fact that their floppy, crimped fringes and ridiculous eyebrows often cause them to accidentally initiate mating procedures with non-goths, owls, lamp-posts, etc. If you ARE a goth, just try to keep it together, will you?

Capricorn: This week you will unleash a poo so frightening, so *ridiculous*, so unfathomably dense, so mighty in girth and so tortuous to the olfactory senses that the very devil himself will appear before you in a flash of smoke and brimstone, shout “DUDE!” and slap you in the mouth. Don’t be afraid. Own it.

Aquarius: After months of hunting, the goal is near. Finally, you feel in your bones that you must be drawing close to the secret, hidden lair of that fucking cow Enya and her mewling, cack-faced fiddle-players. You have travelled far, to deliver the ultimate weapon: the 1996 Scooter Ibiza Summer Season Mix Tape, which must be fired right up her auxiliary exhaust port (right below the main port). Don your hilarious vintage raving outfit and daub the Vix Vaporub into your warrior’s mask. Your time will come!

Pisces: Your collection of Boglins from the last few decades turn out to be both sentient and very much alive. You are declared their queen. At least, you very much hope that’s what that word meant. You can’t help but think about all the times you put your hands up inside them and made their eyes bulge.

---

Remove the blindfold once more, little one, the horrors have retreated back to their home dimensions and my trousers are once again firmly buttoned. But make your retreat quickly, for the beast seldom sleeps long.

[horseyfuture]

Reversible Zen

Quick, friends! Climb aboard your shining Kawasaki motorbikes of TRUTH and let us chase the car of justice beyond the roundabout of doubt and into the motorway of stretched metaphor! Let us seek out our HORRORSCOPES!

---

Aries: Everybody on the train with glasses is looking at you. Oh yes, they are. And they can all hear your thoughts. Oh yes. They’re listening. There’s only one way to block it all out. Go on. Stand up, drop your trousers and scream CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE! Do it now, before it’s too late.

Taurus: In olden times, one way to divine the unknowable will of the gods was to cast yarrow stalks and interpret the way they fell by reading the ideograms of the I Ching. Nowadays, we have technology where once blind faith led the way - no more I Ching, only iPhones. In the same way, however, these modern gadgets can help us to work sense from the mystery of the universe. See if you can collect six iPhones together, then throw them at the floor as hard  as you can. Much wisdom will befall you.

Gemini: Oh, gods, there’s nothing to be done with you this week. You are infested with mind-worms. Only gin can cure you. As your doctor and/or priest, I insist you take the day off and see to this vile infection. When you come back, I want you to be seeing four of me and singing about pixies. Go on. Off you fuck.

Cancer: A wise man once told you “All Belgians are prostitutes”. Now you’re older and wiser yourself, you still can’t say for certain if he was right, but the last five you met DEFINITELY WERE.

Leo: This week will be seen through the lens of the 80s for you, Leo. And mostly in a bad way. You will forced to wear leg-warmers, made redundant and Max Headroom with punch you in the cock with a Rubik’s cube while China Crisis drink your Quatro. On the up-side, you will accidentally stagger into a spontaneous street party as a bunch of cheerleaders and a bodybuilder dude with a saxophone appear from nowhere and are immediately and gratuitously topless. You’re so surprised you inadvertently come on Eileen.

Virgo: Much of your attention has been focused in one place, lately. Examining the pelvis of this goose has really kept you absorbed, but now, the task is coming to an end and you have to ask yourself what will take its place? Will you examine another goose’s pelvis? Will you examine something else belonging to the same goose? Perhaps you’ll let the goose examine YOUR pelvis, I mean, fair’s fair. Yes. Yes, that would be nice, wouldn’t it? Let the goose have a look at your pelvis. Just a glimpse. It’s perfectly legal.

Libra: You are hereby tasked with discovering what the fuck the point of Canada Dry was. If you suss that out, I’ll give you a shiny new sixpence. And some gin.

Scorpio: When you find stress overwhelming you in your workplace, try this ancient technique: stand upright, but relaxed. Allow your shoulders to fall back slightly. Bring your hands up so that your fingertips touch just in front of your face. Repeat this mantra: “Meditation is for dicks. Meditation is for dicks. If somebody doesn’t bring me a coffee and some Krispy Kremes in the next five minutes, I swear I’m going to stab a bitch. Meditation is for dicks…” - Let the anxiety just gently roll out of you and, if necessary, do stab that bitch.

Sagittarius: The weather in your emotional ecosystem has been tempestuous lately - you have found your heart blown around like a leaf in a storm, leaving you worn and tired, slow to connect to others. And that’s why you’re watching the movie of the dolphin being beaten up by ninjas with cricket bats, with your trousers round your ankles. No more explanation needed. Next time I’ll knock before I come in. Lesson learned.

Capricorn: When shaking hands with somebody, take a moment to think of all the things they will have done with that hand, possibly even today. They might have eaten… cleaned themselves… pleasured themselves… punched a clown… pleasured a clown… scratched an itch… scratched an itchy clown. You get the picture. Just let that run through your mind at your next business lunch.

Aquarius: Yo! You! Aquarius! RIGHT NOW, BUDDY! You need to DRINK! You need to DANCE! You need to throw back your head and shout WHEEEE HEEEEE, I’M THE FUCKING KING OF THE LIZARDS, BABY, AND I DON’T NEED NO MOTHERFUCKING HAIRCUT! - Then spin, grab whoever’s nearest, kiss them and just stroll out into the night to see what the world has in store for you. GO!

Pisces: Look up into the night sky when you next have the chance. See if you can spot the brightest star of the night - you know the one. Now, look down and to the left a little, you should see a smaller, less-bright star, in a clump of three, twinkling away. That star is, in fact, a small dog. Not a star. Not a dog-star. Just a small, extremely bright dog. In space. And it’s running toward you veeeeeerry slowly. And when it gets down to earth, maybe while you sleep, maybe while you’re reading… it’s going to give you a lick. Right on the ankle. Space-dog style. (Left ankle).

---

Ride on, traveller. I must stop and consume this mug of hot Bovril at the roadside of contemplation. I may also partake of the Pickled Onion Monstermunch of introspection. Leave me now. I have only enough for one.