hopefulseeker

[hopefulseeker]

POM -

Again, it’s been a while

I’ve done a lot, met a lot of people, achieved many milestones

Traveled the world, met new people, done huge things, saved some lives, a lot

But

It still isn’t enough I guess, im still lost, I’m feeling more like myself, however I know something ain’t right

I still push away those who love me, I still can’t marry me

I still think time to time about him… even though I know he doesn’t

Sometimes I wonder and wander through my thoughts, if he’d come back some day, but even if he did, do I want him to ? I still don’t know

Because how can one change a person completely, make themselves vital for them, and then walk away so easily

As the last texts show, i still haven’t moved on

But, it isn’t my priority now, I can swim in pain, my objective now is to absorb as much info as I can, as much experience as I can, and then I can heal

There’s nothing wrong with me

I’m just a wounded boy

In a chaotic life of an old man

[hopefulseeker]

POM -

It’s been a while since I last wrote here

Today I come with a New feeling

A happy one, but yet, sad

I’m feeling like myself, in starting to…

Wish you were here to share this milestone with you…

But I’ve learned that you must follow whichever path that brings you the happiness you seek

Because the circumstances surrounding your life will never allow you to reach such potential next to me…

No matter how we loved each other

We were meant to be, just not meant to last in this time

Maybe in another universe, or another time

Only time will tell

Until then, live a happy life darling

I miss you

[hopefulseeker]

E-

Something that really broke my heart, and not in a poetic way, but rather a real feeling of intense sadness, it was in our last conversation.

And it wasn’t the fact that you had someone else in mind, but don’t get me wrong, that really fucked me up, altered my brain chemistry, but rather, the moment you said “I feel like I’ve given everything of me, and shared a lot of me, and it feels like you barely open up to me, as if you had things hidden”.

Once again, not enough.

In reality, I was giving everything in me, you saw everything I knew about me, I was actually discovering myself with you, you were the person I was the most “Me” in my entire life.

And what was cheap to you, to me was everything I had.

And the worst part is that you knew this, you knew I was wrong, you knew I needed healing, you knew I was only half a man. And I had the deepest point of my life, and I was so ashamed of it, so I was willing to never behave that way again, went to the psychologist, talked about what to do, but when I was in my way to heal, you decided to quit us… I was willing to change for you, eventually I changed for me, but the change was possible, and it happened, you lacked faith, and love for me…

You didn’t knew how damaged I was, but when you saw the extent of it, you decided to call it quits… Even when I never gave up on your damaged life… and it wasn’t attachment… it was love Eduardo… it was…

[hopefulseeker]

BT-

I just read this

"You fall in love with the people who make you love the person you are when you're around them"

So, no wonder I got so in love with you, I found a piece of my true self with you, a part of me I’ve never seen, a part of me I’ve been looking for.

But my former self pushed you away, before I could uncover that version of me I’ve been chasing.

Now you are gone, and my unhealthiest version of me left with you. Now each day I’m closer to uncover my true self, in hopes one day, I get to feel as I did that night in the beach, but now, this time I get to fall in love with me.

[hopefulseeker]

I’ve written about loss, heartbreak, I guess it’s time to write about growth.

It’s officially been almost a month since I last saw him, well I saw him almost 3 days ago for like an hour, but we didn’t even spoke, just the “Hi” you give to someone you know… we ain’t even friends now…

My last entrance was on 7.11.23 the day I was told “I’m into her, but nothing is going to happen”, just to have a breakdown at 4 am over a picture he uploaded kissing her in the aquarium on a 12.11.23, it took him 5 days, and ever since, he had been uploading storie after storie, when he didn’t had time to answer a message from me. Says a lot.

I don’t know what’s on those stories, and i really don’t care what’s in those, I really don’t care for anything going on in his life, not bc I don’t love him, quite the contrary, because it hurts me to know that he chose someone else over me, that he ran from our problems to someone else, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I hope he fixes his problems we all know he has, but it takes a huge strength to do so, and I hope it works out with her, so he can be happy too.

There hasn’t been a day in which I hadn’t have him on my mind, but that hasn’t stopped me from living my life at its best, I’ve improved my school performance, I’m gaining some muscle, reconnecting with my family, traveled the country, etc.

I’ve done good stuff for me, and I’m liking my companion even more. There’s improvement, and it is possible to still miss him and moving on with my life, I just hadn’t had the right amount of time to let go properly, I didn’t even had time to write down in here.

I even began 2 new projects, a book like HeartStopper but with Ethan&Dylan and a book of all that I’ve learned in this divorce. So I’m excited to see how these will look in the future.

I’ve also reconnected spiritually, I’ve always had a magic heart, quite literally, and the senses that I’ve mentioned here are growing, even the manifestation skills, so i kinda worry, bc I’ve been getting this weird sensation that he’ll be back, and I don’t know what I’ll do if he does. But one thing is for sure, he must come back alone, no gfs attached.

I don’t know what is going on, but I’m flowing with the River, I’m done fighting against it.

I feel like there’s more I could write, but not everything is lost, my thoughts are written in my physical journals, so maybe poems, feelings and stuff can be salvaged from those, if they are ever to be found hahaha.

[hopefulseeker]

CAPTAINS DEBRIEF

07-11-2023

War has been officially lost

You got hurt again, but you knew this, it was a price you knew you could pay by having hope.

But the real reason why you had hope wasn’t your fault, you were fed this hope.

The empty promises, the kisses, the hugs, the temptations, the affection, the kind words, the love that was supposed to still be here. You were fed all this, so you had hope, you felt as if someone were finally waiting for you, as if someone finally knew your worth, as if someone would finally would do everything for you, the way you do fight when you are in love. Because for a while, it felt that way, until it wasn’t.

But at the end of the day, you didn’t fell in love with someone bad, he was amazing, you fell in love with someone hurting, he’s had an awful life, the worst life you’ve ever knew, he is running away from pain without realizing, he wishes to find his happiness, on easy unhealthy ways. He isn’t bad, he is broken.

A negative side about healing is being this forgiving with the one that have hurt, because I know that it wasn’t his choice to simple hurt me, even tho he knew all I was doing, and the hopes he had fed me, at the end of the day, he is doing what we all are doing, seeking our happiness and stability, some finding it in healthier ways than others.

I hope he never comes back, I hope he never regrets leaving me, I hope he finds in her the peace that he couldn’t find with me, I hope he doesn’t do the same thing he did with me but with her, even tho, it will happen the same to her. I hope I’m wrong, for the better of her. But I hope he never comes back, for the best of me, for I know that I’ll give him every chance he ask me for, for I know people chance, for I have changed, for I know his potential, for I know we have chemistry out of this world, for I know I’ll always love him, for I’m not someone he’d do everything, for I’m a backup plan, but backup plans are for people that do know what they want, and he is forever confused.

Maybe those are the Perks of having low self love, you don’t go around breaking people hearts, but you are willing to let someone break you twice…

[hopefulseeker]

- It isn’t fair for you

No, it isn’t, none of this is, I know a deserve better, I had better.

But life isn’t fair, and I’ve learned that throughout my entire life.

This isn’t fair for me, neither is for him, for neither of us chose the way life has treated us.

But we’ve chosen one thing, at least I’ve chosen one thing, to love, to give this unfair pain meaning, trough love.

To make this hard journey a little bit easier, with love being my fuel, for me to reach my true potential, for me and for my loved one.

To grow stronger for us to be able to find our desires even when life gets in the way.

For there’s no greater purpose in life, than to love a soul.

[hopefulseeker]

POM-

We left, because I wasn’t ready to love you, and I ignored this fact, I wasn’t even loving me. So this created the problems we now know.

Now I’m ready to love you, that’s what I wanted to say that October 11th.

But I’m not ready to love myself, and it’d be the same disaster again, if I were to go back to you without loving myself.

So before I date you again (If there’s ever a chance), I must date myself first.

But it’s weird, since I’ve known me for a while, I didn’t liked my own company, but then I did. But I’m still not ready to propose to myself, I know how to make me happy, but I feel as if there were more for me to discover, more for me to propose to myself.

But darling, I still love you, even tho we are apart.

I questioned before if it was growth or decay the further I am from you, well now I see, for as hard as it may sound to me, it is growth.

Maybe one day you get to enjoy my growth.

Idk, hopeful thoughts from the captain of the hopeful-seeker I guess.

[hopefulseeker]

U-

“You are tired because you are supposed to be, because you are making a change, it’s only an indication to go on, because you are growing, and someday that growth, will give you the rejuvenation you need”

How powerful words

[hopefulseeker]

C-

Am I cursed ?

I’ve had some days in which I do worry about the future, and it’s ok.

But I’ve also had nights like this one.

Where I long for a message of him, so my dreams go about the normal way, until I look at my phone, and there’s a message of him, sometimes I don’t even have time to read those, but most of the time are messages to talk. And even though I know it’s all a dream, I wake up from it, and I have this strong feeling to check my real life phone… just in case he had sent a message

Just to find out I was right, and it was all just a dream…

[hopefulseeker]

U-

Pain is inevitable

Life is not about going out there, avoiding getting hurt

It’s about finding those who are worth getting hurt for

As long as the hurt is never active, if true love is

A way will be found, to heal those wounds

Instead of being left to heal alone…

[hopefulseeker]

I was reflecting on whether breaking up was the right thing for me.

I mean it made healing harder, but it gave it a sense of urgency, a sense, not an actual urgency, not to save us, but to save me.

Sure it’s hard, but what hasn’t been in my life?, Well love hasn’t been hard, since I avoided it for so long, it’s the first time I’ve had to deal with this kind of feelings for myself.

But again, what hasn’t been hard in my life ? Now every aspect in which my life has been hard, I’m kinda of prepared to overcome the adversities.

I’m hoping that once I’m trough this process, I’m a master on it too.

All this could be good. So maybe it’s harder, but I guess it was good for me.

I don’t get the reasons he is still distant, he constantly chooses not to reach me, not even when it’s about work, he must have his reasons.

But I don’t want to be the worst mistake of his life, like he once said.

But again, that’s not up to me, the only thing up to me, is to save myself, and love myself.

[hopefulseeker]

U-

I must write this down, or else it will be in my head all day

I’m afraid of you

Bc I had you, and now I don’t, our future it’s uncertain

And that frightens me

Whenever you walk into the room I crash, in the past I could admire you, joke with you, be with you

Now I have to act like you are just another person in the room, since I can’t be the person I want to be

But no one makes me loose my mind the way you do

But no one has ever made peace in my mind the way you have

You can both made me loose my mind and only you have been able to end the War zone in my head

In the past times I’ve felt something for someone, I wasn’t sure whether if that was right for me, I never saw myself settling down with these characters

But there’s no doubt in my mind, since I really met you, that you are the only person I want to spend the rest of my days with, for as long as that may be, we had our downs, which made us both had thoughts about the way we treated each other, but these thoughts were never about leaving your side, but rather improve the way we treated each other

I love you, and there’s nothing than can change that, no thorn will keep me from loving such beautiful rose, for I have learned not to bleed, and if I do bleed, that’s only a reminder that I am alive

There’s nothing that we can’t fix, but we must be willing to fix it, I am, how about you ?

[hopefulseeker]

U-

I have this weird feeling, kinda painful, each time I can’t be the person I want to be when I’m around you

I want to bother you, but I can’t

I want to hug you, but I can’t

I want to lay my head on your shoulder, but I can’t

Every time I’m around you, you seem down, and I wish I could change that…

But I can’t

I wish I could…

Do I grow or decay, the more I’m away from you?

[hopefulseeker]

U-

If we are to make things work, we must acknowledge where we went wrong, what could have been different.

I’m glad you called it quits, bc I don’t know if I could have back then, I don’t know if I can now tho, I love you as I’ve never have before, and I have this belief that anything can be fixed, and I’m willing to fight for us.

I thought in one point of the last days of our relationship whether if this is what I wanted, for how I was feeling, so maybe that’s why breaking up didn’t affected me as I expected, sure it still hurts, but it was maybe the best. After loosing you I found me, I wish I could have done that without loosing you, but life often play dark turns on us.

The things that led me to have that feeling, were caused in both ends of the relationship. Things triggered by you, and my lack of knowledge on how to manage this triggers. This two things combined led to a negative feedback that at the end hurted both of us.

My psychologist says I shouldn’t be so hard on me, that I shouldn’t be a martyr and list every single things were I went wrong. That I just just acknowledge these things happened, and be aware that they happen, so I can avoid doing them again, just not list them and blame me for them.

I hope that if we ever get a chance again, we do things right, and be kind to each other along the way.

I love you still.

Postdata

I hate you bc you can kiss my cheek but I can’t stare at you, me caes mal, onvrez en fin.

[hopefulseeker]

U-

These are thoughts that should be kept in my head

Silence can be loud

Silence isn’t equal to peace

It hurts me to see him being kept away from us

Bc of his house, I saw him in his prime

All I can see now are remains of that

A man with a very good mask on, hiding his feelings

Even from me

It pains me to know, that he is suffering

It pains me to know, I can do nothing about it

It pains me to know, I might lose him bc of this…

[hopefulseeker]

U-

I fell first

He fell harder

But I fell deeper after he fell

And in doing so, I began to drown

I fell deep enough to lose connection with the world

I fell deep enough to lose myself

I fell deep enough to lose us…

But I got up

From the depths of my past I rose up

And I began looking for us

Since I’ve already found parts of myself

Now I have to find you

At least to apologize and see if youd like for us to rise higher than ever