hopefulmirth-blog

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as well as everyone else. thank you so much.

[hopefulmirth-blog]

Time does really go by quickly

it feels like i havent been on here for awhile. ive moved into my moms house for the time being and i hate it like i assumed i would, but its better than being with a piece of trash.

i feel like i pretty much live at the library, which is fine it has everything i need, wifi, air conditioning, a bathroom and books, the only thing i need is food but i cant really afford that, ive been living off of lettuce wraps is what i call them, cheap tortillas, cheapest lettuce and cheese if i want to splurge, 2 times a day. i like to go over to my friend’s house and sneak a few animal crackers when i can.

living with my parent is difficult, i always hated it, thats why i moved out as soon as i could have when i graduated high school, yeah a bf that'll ignore you for days on end is bad, but having a mother that makes you feel so insignificant sucks more in my opinion. 

life has been weird and confusing and there's been so much emotion going on, but i really just want to focus on getting a job and going to school and getting my degree. that's all that matters.

i honesty wish i had someone to talk to, thats all. i dont really trust telling people about myself wel the people in my life right now, and id hate to burden them with my problems, that is my biggest insecurity. i think i just need the relief of my sorrow pouring from my mouth to another intellect, like any normal human being. 

im hoping for the best here wish me luck, or dont, just do what makes you mirthful. 

[hopefulmirth-blog]

I Feel Disgusting

he cheated on me... i had to talk to him, i couldnt handle it anymore, i missed him I just needed to hear his voice. i called him aroun 1 am and we talked for hours, i cried and cried over the phone. i asked if he had already been with someone intimately, he said he had. I got so empty, i thought within 2 days he had already done it, i asked how? why? so soon? he said no... i was confused, he told me it had happened a few days prior of me leaving... he betrayed me he cheated on me... HE CHEATED ON ME WITH A 40 YEAR OLD BIMBO WHO MAKES MONEY ON MUSICALY!! he waited to tell me and made excuses to make me believe it was my fault he wanted space. he cheated on me!! and im to blame?! he wont tell me why he did it, he keeps telling me doesnt know, he cant figure it out, he just did it. 

i dont know how i feel... gross, disgusting, i hate seeing myself, i dont have an appetite and thats weird to me, im an emotional eater, im a binge eater, all i know is food, but the last thing i want is to eat. my weight NEVER bothered him, and it still doesnt, so im not trying to focus on losing weight, the only thing i can stomach are fuji apples, i can only stomach one or two a day, im afraid for my health but i honestly dont care anymore.

im at a friends at the moment miles away from where i hid away from him so i actaully just ended up 45 minutes away from where he is, i just want to go there while hes sleeping and just fuck to be honest, i want him to remember what he lost, he was obsessed with me sexually, he loved that no matter how weird his kink was i would never ever judge him. he was a weird one might i say, but i made sure to let him embrace it, i made him feel confident, to confident i suppose...

i made him tell me about it, how it happened, its so fucking stupid, thinking about it makes me sick, i dont even want to live through it again, ive told 2 other people what happened and having to talk through it again makes me sick. 

he hates himself though and it makes me feel better, or tolerable or whatever, he felt so guilty afterwards, last night when i was on the phone with him crying and talking i just kept telling him how much i hated him how bad he made me feel, i wanted to make him feel as shitty as i felt, i think it might have worked, i hope it worked 

i hope he never finds his mirth

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Eh

... it was better today

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A Pit

I was doing alright, but my mom insisted i listen to some of the break up songs she listened to when she and my dad broke up and now i feel an empty pit in my stomach again. 

I am doing better though, dont get me wrong, it still just stings a bit. but im hoping i can take my mind off things, i will be hanging out with an old family friend later on today, havent seen her in a couple of years and she has kids now so this will be interesting.

Too all of you struggling with breakup, i feel you man, but you can get through this, i know you can. its a long road to get you mirth back!

[hopefulmirth-blog]

A Little Light

I had my friend find out hat was going on with my animals and everythings fine!! hes not going to get rid of them, i dont feel as panicked and actually like a weight has been lifted. i dont know if itll last or hey maybe it will but i definitely feel a lot better than i did. 

if youre confused as to why im so worried about my animals is because theyre rescues, one of them was .6 pounds when i first got him and was dying and i nursed him back to health, i was with him ever minute to everyday, he just became my little baby. plus i LOVE animals. plus they were the only living thing i had for awhile, i had been living in isolation and hadnt really spoke to any one in months, my bf stopped talking to me more and more and my kitties were there and comforted me and mad it easier.

I would be more heart broken if he brought them somewhere than it is him wanting a ‘break’ which is just an excuse to make fucking other people ok. he literally said that by the way, he told me we dont have to take a break if you’re ok with having an open relationship, what a piece of shit! now im just mad at him instead of being so upset about it. god what garbage he is, hes not even remotely acting like himself, hes acting like a fuck boi, i loved him because he was this sweet nerdy boy who was shy but not shy if that makes sense, he would stack his plates silverware cups and clean the table when we would go out to eat kind of a person. he loved to sawder and open up all the broken appliances and do cool shit with it, and was outgoing, and cared about things, then he started working at a railcar place and he was always miserable because they treat him like trash. theyre the type of people that prey on the nicer people and just take out all their anger out of them, and now he acts like hes a hard ass old man that been through a lot, trust me he hasnt been through thhat much trauma, a good amount but not, realising that life is nothing and i am a mere speck in this world, kind of way. i iguess the job did that to him. i told him to leave constantly, he felt ashamed that he might have to work at mcdonalds, think i would love him less or something?! like are you crazy i dont care where you work as long as youre happier there. hes crazy. 

he refuses to quit though i understand why, he bought a new car and needs the money, but why stay at a place thats changing you as a person in a bad way? whatever its  his life and im not welcome because now hes hanging out with those people now and all they want him to do is get drunk all of the time and be able to mingle. hes very easy to munipulate and ive been trying to toughen him up with it but i cant tell if i over did it or under did it.

im rambling so im just going to watch this episode of criminal minds i keep getting distracted by.

[hopefulmirth-blog]

http://iglovequotes.net/

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via @extramadness

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Silence

I cant stand the  silence, all i want to do is distract myself constantly. its so freaking hot out though its hard to do anything. none of my interests interest me at the moment. it just feels unreal to me. im still in disbelief i think. the struggle is very real with this one.

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...

Man, this is hard...

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Now On

Today is one of the last.

I think this as I lay

On the floor

By the bathtub.

Everything about me is screaming that this is the most pathetic I’ve ever been.

But today is one of the last.

One of the last days that I allow myself 

To give up.

I have hit on an amount of determination

Hitherto unknown to me.

And I glare at my reflection.

You have neglected me, and hated me,

Disrespected me, hurt me, dismissed me for far too long.

The back of my soap says to give myself a pep talk.

The mirror has not apologized.

I never will.

[hopefulmirth-blog]

The Next Morning

well its the following morning and i just feel empty, and queasy, like something is missing. god this really sucks. to be honest i really miss my cats ikeep thinking about them, i thought that i could ask my friend if she could go into my old town and check on them for me, just send me a video of them and to let the ex know to take care of them for now until im able to get them.

im trying to stay positive. i know i have a lot more people that i can talk to and be around here than i ever could back home. i dont know what to do to day but ill figure it out i suppose. wish me luck on my first day of being single, god that sounds so weird to say, for the first time in 3 and a half years. god this is weird. i just hope he gets what he wants in this experience, and i really hope i can find my mirth again.

[hopefulmirth-blog]

A New Beginning?

I’m new to this thing and honestly just doing this because i have no one to talk to I just want to put my feelings out there to see if it helps. 

so my boyfriend just broke up with me? or i dont know. out of the blue he says our relationship is dull and he wants to live life and find himself, what bothers  me is ive been trying to get him out of the house for months now, hes the one cancelling our plans to hang out with his ‘friend’ which only keeps him around because he will give him money whenever he asks by the way, anyway i dont know what the hell happened he wont talk to me and the last thing he said to me was he needed space and pretty much he wants to fuck other people because he wants to experennce life more.

heres my problem, we live in a very small town, its considered a retirement town, its loaded with old people, we;re only 21 well im 21 and hes 22. our life has turned pattern esque (i think thats a word) he wakes up eats goes to work comes home at 11 goes to bed, same with me very patterny. we’re both spontaneous people and weve been stuck in this rut of doing the same thing everyday for about a year now. ive been trying to get him to do more but i know how depression works, i have bipolar depression and it sucks, i try to support him with everything he has ever done, like buying a fixer upper car that costed $900 and buying a brand new car thatll cost him 30,000 in time, buying a thousand dollar computer from the friend i metioned earlier and guess what the fcking thing wont work anyways i did tell him not to buy that computer from him but he did anyway. ive been pushing him to go to school because thats what he wants but he refuses to go becuase he wants to be full time but he also wants to keep his job, which i might add he  says he despises and wants to quit but wont no matter how many times i tell him he can, who cares if youre working at mcdonalds and going to school full time?! that life isnt it?

for my experience with the whole thing was... weird and saddening and confusing, i have had no one to talk to in months, all the friends i had started making drugs their number 1 priority, i grew up with addicts and i dont want to live that life so why would i remain friends with people like that? my other one is in college far away from where i live and i have to make a day to go and see her and she cant always be available. i have had absolutly no one to talk to in months except him but he literally will not listen to a word i say so why bother i suppose. i sunk into a very deep depression to a point where i wanted to kill myself. i had planned to, i written the notes and was waiting for him to go to his friends but something happened, i cant remember but he got me to tell him about what was going on and he talked me out of it but in a im mad kind of a way. he didnt comfort me and tell me it was going to be alright he got mad and blamed me  i was trying to make him feel bad and trying to make himself the victim, i was so confused. i was sad and lonely and empty! why are you making me the bad guy?!

what bothers me the most is that this man told me he loved me, wanted to have kids with me wanted to marry me and travel the world and make amzing memories with me, he had put so much effort into convincing me he loved me and he wasnt going to leave and right when i finally believed that he maybe might love me and wasnt just being nice, he does this. im just baffled to be honest. i dont know whats going on and im still in shock. i called my mom when he TEXTED me that he wants a break and she told me to just come live with her. i so packed what i could as fast as i could and drove 3 hours to be with her. he wants his space fine have it. ive been here for about 3 hours now and ive gotten more love from strangers, my moms friends than i have from someone who claims he loves me uncontrolably, in a matter of minutes, i got here we left to go meet up with her friends and they told me and showed me if it was meant to be it will be from like 40 year old men might i add. i dont know if it matters but we’ve been together for a little over 3 years now have 2 pets and live in a home together. to be honest all im thinking about are my animals back in that misrable house i just ant to go get them, i hope he doesnt do anything stupid, theyre my  life and have gotten me through my loneliness and depression. to me theyre like my kids and i must have them with me.

so i guess im starting my new life in a matter of hours i moved 3 hours away had my heart ripped out of my chest and am trying to find myself in the process. i hope for the best. excuse all my incorrect spelling and grammar. i just typed this out as quickly as i could to get my eelings out there and i really dont want to correct it all. thanks for reading and maybe one day i may be Mirthful.