hopefulascanbe

[hopefulascanbe]

Sad rant hours 🥺

So I applied for this one monthly scholarship at school cause... why not?

I try my hardest to write what they want... (writing is my weakest subject and essays never turn out good for me. Ex: On my PBA this year for english i got a 70%, i usually get higher and I am what they call an “A” student, so that hurt ;-;. not to mention the teacher told the entire class that what my score was and everyone else who said they can have their score given out to the class got really grades (even the not-so-brightest people got a better score than me. ~I want to kill myself~))

I get a second opinion on my scholarship essay and tell them if it sounds good, they say yes and life goes on. I waste my very expensive ink to print out the paper and now I am left with very little ink that i could’ve used on something else. So then I turn it in and I wait... and I wait.

Weeks pass and then I still don’t get any news. Then you know what happens? i’m in my film and tv class and they are doing the announcements.

I walk over to see what’s happening and then it hit me.

I didn’t get the scholarship.

All i need for next year is ~4,000 dollars left that i need to pat out of pocket... the scholarship was for about 1,500. that would’ve helped out a great deal.

but no. I am stuck with my misery and self hatred until i get notified back on my other scholarships that i applied to, but that’s not until april.

Ive been struggling for the past week, this is literally my tipping point.

i even got into my religion somemore and I prayed so hard in order to get a break, a small minute break so i know not to kill myself. But no, i am as weak as ever and i really just want to go home and cry.

idk, my psychiatrist said i didnt need any medications yet and i believed her. but now i don’t think i’ll make it to graduation in the right head space. everyday i am more miserable and ngl, the idea of not being here anymore sounds more intriguing. i won’t have anyone to sit with for the next three days at lunch and i have a concert festival AND a concert this week.

i hate being in band now and i hate waking up in the morning.

question:

what is real happiness? 😕

Time to become a stripper :)

(they be making gooood money and female empowerment, no?)

[hopefulascanbe]

Im what they call the big stupid

Stupid feelings

Dumb boys

Why do I have to be like this 😜🤪🙄🚫🧢😔

Bye

[hopefulascanbe]

I too have stupid written on my forehead

My old church boy might have gone to upward bound Tempe. Like WTF. It really is a small world. But my ass wants to hold hands with someone sooooo GUESS WHO THE DUMB BITCH THAT WANTS TO TALK TO THIS BOY... ME!

Wow I’m angry because I get attached too easily. Oh well.

Bye

[hopefulascanbe]

Tuff

Well my mom doesn’t realize she has such a big impact on me and she always shoots down my aspirations. At first, I was too skinny for my own good so that’s why she would tell me that if I don’t gain weight, I would look like a crackaddict and that scared me. I didn’t want to look ugly. So we put on a couple pounds and everything was good... until like 2 years ago. My depression was through the roof and i because to gain weight like there was no tomorrow. Then they would tell me I looked like a grape. Like a tamale that was over stuffed. My self confidence plummeted. I didn’t care what happened to my body. I just wanted to be happy in my own skin. Then now I have stretchmarks that don’t want to leave. I have a double chin when I stand a certain way. I can’t look in a mirror without feeling bad about myself. I say I want to get better, do more exercise. I have been recently. More than usual. But it’s not enough. I’m self conscious about everything, idk how I got to this point but I feel like my parents, my family, my friends even had something to do with it. From the nice compliments to the harsh realities. I can’t even trust myself. How am I supposed to trust others? I really want to go to a therapist to try to see what’s wrong with me, but I don’t want to bother my parents with more medical bills. What if the treatment is too much? This is why it’s hard being a minority in America. Even my own mom tells me I can’t be the one thing I want to do for the rest of my life because she says being a Latina is hard enough, why would I try to go into a major that’s hard enough already. Just because I don’t want to be a doctor doesn’t mean I’m an automatic failure. I know they don’t mean to do any harm, I know they don’t want me to struggle or to be on the streets because my career path didn’t take me to where I wanted to... but who’s to say I can’t be a successful and rich and well known/well respected person? They say yea go to university, but don’t be one of those artistic people, don’t do something in music, don’t do anything that requires you to make connections and try to build your way up. Go the easy route, don’t pick that job that doesn’t pay good enough even if it is to better the world and others. There is no winning in this life. Being a girl is hard enough, but being all these other things makes it 10 times harder because I don’t know where to belong. But my strengths are being positive... my strengths are being a hard worker and an over achiever. My strength is to be able to fall and get back up again, I’m lowkey very proud of myself. But sometimes I forget, well maybe that’s because I have memory issues. But I know I can be the best person out there, it it’s hard... of course it is. All I have to do is wipe my tears off my face and say “I can do this”. A wall isn’t built in one day all at once, it’s built in a course of time, brick by brick. I mean it’s better to not have any walls because they get in the way in some circumstances, but sometimes they are good. To keep out the demons that attack you in your dreams, they like to sneak up on you when you’re already so vulnerable. But that’s why we stand up and fight, because we aren’t kids anymore.

Bye

[hopefulascanbe]

QT

So found out my ex crush works at A Quik Trip so I guess imma go to my local QT so I can see my old qt, lmao. Just kidding. He’s not worthy time 😂 mainly because we have never made eye contact and we don’t know each other. BUT there’s another cutie that goes to my church. He once handed me my paper that fell, I wouldn’t mind being with him. Too bad that this dude is skinnier than me and I’m like lowkey fat. Like, my fat has built up around my abdomen area and like.... I look like a whole chicken because the “meat” is in the upper half of me and my legs are so thin and they’re basically bone. But like my thighs are also fat... just like chicken so yea. I lowkey wanna go on a “date” with this dude. Maybe because my hoeness wants to come out but I can’t let it because we’re a good Christian girl 😇. So yea. Sunday’s are weird.

Also when I go to Cali for a week I wanna get some acrylic nails that are yellow because I think they would go great with my outfits. Plus my birthday is coming soon so I wanna look good when I come back from hoeing in Cali. ^_^

Bye

[hopefulascanbe]

What the heck

I’m not even allowed to do CARD TRICKS WTF. My family is so ridiculously religious that I’m not even allowed to do card tricks like, ??????????????????? I’m just tryna be like, WHAPOW I KNOW MAGIC HEHEHEHE. But in the end I’m just doing basic math. I’m mad. My mom thinks because I’m lying to people about magic, then I’m the biggest sinner out there. Like, I’m just trying to have fun. Make over people laugh or be like, WTFFF. Yanno. I can’t do anything in this house and I’m getting sick and tired of this. I can’t wait to leave. I didn’t think like that but it’s so stupid of how I’m treated like this. It’s annoying and sometimes I wanna die.

Bye

[hopefulascanbe]

I shouldn’t have written the last post

It’s almost three am and I wrote a whole ass story for an hour and I have to wake up early tomorrow. Man i suck, but idk. My feelings are just as whack as i am. Sigh, maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad.

Bye

[hopefulascanbe]

Mannn (it’s not my fault I like literally everyone)

So I liked this cutie pie since.... it’s been a while especially since second semester flew by and idk since when I started liked them, my time line is fricked up. Also that church dude was a bust so let us forget about him. Plus he was just a coverup because I don’t want to let anyone I’m not actually straight cause I’ll get lynched. Being religious and in the lgbt+ community sure doesn’t mix well. Like damn, can’t tell my mom anything related to my sexuality because she’ll say that what I’m feeling is invalid and that “I should’ve shown the signs earlier” whatever that means. But I’ve always known I didn’t just like boys, I’ve always liked boys but something inside me was like, nah hoe... you ain’t 100% straight. So I was like, whatever. Who cares, imma pretend I don’t like my girl (emphasize on the space) friend because my ass will get dirty looks from everyone. Not a lot of people at my school where gay or bi, let alone anything else. So when high school started... I felt more comfortable about everything. More people where finally out and many where still figuring things out. Which made me feel better about myself. I never used to say “dear future boyfriend” and instead “dear future S.O.” Because my confused ass didn’t know if I was going to end up with some dude. That’s when people started to question. People knew I wasn’t straight. But some take it to far *cough cough this one dude in my math class. But I like someone, so there’s that. They aren’t the conventional male, but I still like them for who they are. I DONT CARE WHATS IN YOUR PANTS SWEETIE, IMMA LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE SO PLEASE LET ME DATE YOU.

They are in my grade, and they are nine months older than me and of course they are taller than me. We have so much in common and we express our love for memes so thats a win. I send them compilations of memes from YouTube but they don’t necessarily respond back. But it’s still fun to send them random shit from the internet. We had two classes together but idk what’s gonna happen next year. I wanna see them but maybe we won’t get the same classes... I really want to be with them. He literally shows up in my dreams, I can’t stop thinking about him. Most of my friends know him. Maybe he gets more likes on Instagram than me. By a few, just checked. I hope we stay friends, maybe then I can’t stay in touch. I really don’t want him to get out of my life. Literally as cute as a button. Imma miss our daily talks in history and Spanish, and our random anecdotes about cats and family gossip. Imma miss our trading of memes and me saying, “so, how was your day??”. This is what I’ll miss if we don’t share a class. But hopefully we will, I changed a bunch of classes just to get a chance to be with em, see you soon partner. For now imma try to get tik tok famous...

Bye

[hopefulascanbe]

Boys are really dumb

So there’s this guy that keeping bothering me in school, specifically in English class. I never liked him, in all the ways. He was annoying when I first met him, he tried to GET WITH ME BEST FRIEND... but that was back in my freshman year of high school. And overall not a smart guy, can’t get the clue that I’m not interested either.

So one day my friend tells me, “so I know someone who likessss youuu” and I’m like “ew, who” and she tells me (let’s call him frank, because I don’t like people named frank) “oh, it’s this guy named frank” and I’m like wtf, there’s a bunch of people named “frank” at my school. So she shows me his Snapchat and I’m like, “oh, THAT frank...” and that’s where it all began. She asked me if I wanted to give my Snapchat to him, I said hell no. I am not going to give out my Snapchat like that. Because guys get pretty weird after hours if you know what I mean. Then she said that he said “I just wanna talk to her, I’ve always liked her. And I wanna save her” and I’m like... did he actually say all that, and she’s like yup. And that’s where I said nope.

I am a strong independent women that can handle being on my own, I’ve done it all through high school and I’ll continue to do it after i graduate. So I did not like the way he said that. Like if I was a damsel in distress. So then he decided to text my best friend and try to pretend he didn’t know me, and that pissed me off. At first I didn’t realize which “frank” we were talking about so I ask my friend if that “frank” was the one that “likes me” and we confirmed it. Then he tries to get my best friend to make me talk to him, and I said you don’t do that, I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO HIM. But I guess he didn’t get the memo. I stopped hearing about him for a while and I thought his weird crush on me was over, since that’s what usually happens. Then yesterday he decided to ask me what the answer for a question was... BY WHISPERING MY NAME REALLY QUIETLY. And I’m like, who the heck is calling my name. Then I turn over and see... there he was, facing directly at me... I was freaked out.

Backstory, when I would walk in the mornings to try to go to class, we would likepass by each other, but he would always give me a stare like “ew who is this bitch” and I was like “oh, I guess he doesn’t like me”. And I was fine with that, I don’t express everyone to like me. But IF YOU LIKE SOME ONE YOU AT LIKE SMILE AT THEM, OR AT LEAST SMIRK AT THEM!”

I don’t tell him the answer, I tell him where to find it in the book we’re reading, he says he can’t hear me and sits next to me. I tell him FOR THE THIRD TIME, and I hate repeating myself so I was mad. Then he’s like “okay,” mumbles what I told him and goes back to his seat which was like five feet away.

So today he tries to get my snapchat again, I didn’t know how to respond nicely so I just sat there. And stayed silent. I was NOT going to give him my Snapchat, that is only for friends and people I wanna keep tabs on, because ya girl is always careful with who she talks to. So yea, then a new friend finally sits down in front of me and asks how my day went and I avoided eye contact the whole day.

Just a heads up, for the next person that tries to get me to talk to them by making me help them out on assignments THAT ARE THE EASIEST THINGS, your ass is getting blocked. At least go up to me and TRY to be my friend, but first you have to peel me open like an orange without a knife for nails. So yea, and if he actually doesn’t have a crush on me and only wants help, well sorry. You shouldn’t have said you wanted to save me because the only thing that needs saving is your grades. Maybe focus on school instead of getting into girls’ pants.

THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK YOU CAN LEAVE NOW :)❤️ but actually thanks for reading till the end :))

[hopefulascanbe]

Conspiracy theories are all fun and games until you get paranoid and wish that you never looked them up….. BUT THEYRE SO INSTERESTING you say… Well yeah until you can’t sleep and you have to wake up for school tomorrow morning. You’ll end up falling asleep 3rd hour and you’ll blame the government whoops

[hopefulascanbe]

i just like making myself cry, don’t i

[hopefulascanbe]

shregg

onion boi has to be stopped 

[hopefulascanbe]

Big RANT

11/15/2018 So im out here tryna do jazz band but I dont have a mfing sax. I know how to kinda play but like I need one to practice. I hope she (our band director) knows that im too broke rn to buy an instrument or rent one because we tryna pay rent this month and thats why I havent gotten a new phone. Hopefully we work something out or someone donates one, people are always donating stuff. Maybe ? Theres too many things on my mind. If I dont get sax then I'll try next year and hopefully I get it. That means im not gonna be drum major but thats okay :/ but I hopppeeeee I get it. I've been waiting to play that instrument all semester and trumpet but sax sounds more fun for me #woodwind4life lol but yea Goodnight~

[hopefulascanbe]

the legend…..he’s back

[hopefulascanbe]

Adoorable. (via corbin1)

[hopefulascanbe]

People liked my closet V cosplay so here’s more. Featuring me forgetting how to count lol.

Photographer: HoodyHasDaBooty

V: @punnyneurotic

[hopefulascanbe]

ANIME IDEA: Marching Band Anime

YOOOOOOO you know what we already have? Music anime like Your Lie in April, La Corda d’Oro, Hibike Euphonium, and Nodame Cantabile – all wonderful music shows that showcase different aspects of music competition.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WE DONT HAVE? A MARCHING BAND ANIME!!

I can totally see it now! It would be like a sports anime, but with music! XD

Protagonist school would be always be known as the mediocre school – a school that isn’t too bad visually and musically, but they’re still not the best. But one year, a bunch of freshmen join the high school band who are all very good at their instruments, but can’t march for crap, and so their hardships begin!!

AND THEN THE FIELD SHOWS BEGIN! They get inspired by the better marching bands, make new friends from other schools (because that happened to my high school – the directors let their students mingle and make friends), and just have a ton of fun, but also suffer because their director and drum majors begin to work them harder.

AND YOU CAN’T FORGET ABOUT THE COLOR GUARD! They are just as important as the band members. There could be divas and newbie there. Interactions between band members and the color guard can be so fun~

HNNGGGGG so much potential yooooooo!!

We already have so many kinds of sports anime (even an American football anime lol) and a lot of music shows (from simple moe music clubs to actual music competitions) so a combination of both of these – a music sports anime – is such a good idea XD

if you have any more marching band anime ideas, don’t be afraid to add them in reblogs (I’d love to read them) XD!