homosexualcolombus

[homosexualcolombus]

astrology through a capricorn's lens

before anyone asks, yes that title is clickbait. desperate times do call for desperate measures. my engagements flatlining effectively after posting my last blog probably classifies as a desperate time. yes, i did promise a more serious piece for my loyal readers but as you may (or may not) know, the dumb bitch gene has NOT skipped my generation which is the reason why i have accidentally formatted my sd card. what about having a backup, you ask? do i look like a noob to you? does that answer your question?

anyway,

this isn't a dig against anyone who believes in astrology, but i think it's complete horseshit. but that doesn't mean i don't worship at the foot of its temple for the sheer ingenuity behind it. let me explain:

astrology, in a nutshell, panders to us through our inherently narcissistic nature by validating vague general aspects of our personalities.

take me for example: i'm a capricorn. that doesn't mean shit to me until you relate that to the fact that as a person, i tend to overwork myself towards the goal of being an achiever. in theory, it read me pretty well... until i factor in the psychology of the fact that i'm a middle child (take that how you will but it is what it is). any person worth their salt when it comes to astrology knows that capricorns = overachievers, because that's just their established pigeonhole, the same way each sign has its own.

couple that with the fact that astrology has elements which allow for it to overlap and cross over each other and you have yourself a sizeable number of possibilities that guarantees seemingly accurate readings more than most of the timeㅡ and by "elements" i mean these things called moon, sun, ascendant, etc. what this means is that you can take these generalizations for each sign, combine it according to these elements and you have yourself at least one guaranteed personality match for any given set of people.

by demonstration, if someone's a:

capricorn sun - workaholic

pisces moon - emotional

aries rising - self-centered

so they're basically a self-centered, workaholic, emotional wreck.

sound like someone you know? of fucking course. it's annalise keating (lmao i'm kidding... not).

they say a broken clock is right twice a day, and that's a given fact. now give that same clock a hundred more hands and it's sure to tell you the correct time of day every single time. that's astrology.

another aspect of astrology which really begs for respect is in the fact that it's rooted in the mystical fanaticism of the stars. not only is it a surefire way to attract the hippies, but it also makes it that much more interesting. i don't know about you but i feel like this gives it a leg up over the other beliefs that currently exist. would you rather believe in the cosmos or some long-haired hippie deity that has multiple personality disorder? hmm the answer sure seems clear to me.

a direct effect of this aspect however, is that it makes astrology seem much less demanding, which isn't neccessarily a bad thing. i mean, let's be real, what commandments do the stars actually have for us? it's a space rock for fucks sake. if you're the type of person who looks up their horoscope regularly, you'd notice that it's actually formulaic, vague prophecies that, if you look in the right place, throws in your lucky color and number for the day and/or week. you don't exactly have to trudge through a whole brick of a book with tiny-ass letters and hope to whoever's watching that by some miracle their message hopefully shines into your mind. it's like the gospel but on fortune cookies, except the cookie is most probably a newspaper. but that doesn't make it any less convenient, which is exactly what people nowadays look for: something that cuts through the bullshit and straight to the point. perks of having an entire belief based on inanimate objects, dare i say? (yay space paganism!)

now if you're at this point and you're wondering: "would it do me good to unsubscribe to this school of thought?", i'm gonna tell you straight up not to. because:

a. like any religion, astrology was born out of people's inherent need to believe in something bigger than themselves to help them feel less out of their depth in this massive fucken world and;

b. i'm a hypocrite who has co-star installed on their phone so nothing i've said above holds any weight whatsoever.

i'm not trying to police anyone's belief here.

anything is possible within the realm of possibility. i mean who knows, maybe god indeed is a woman... and her name? zenaida seva.

[homosexualcolombus]

you’re not jesus, bitch!

this blog is barely a month old but it's already dying. and it's all your fault. let me explain:

a month ago i was a bright-eyed and bushy tailed neophyte blogger. i had no hopes of grandeur for whatever my blog might become, but frankly, i at least hoped it would gain a bit of notoriety among my irls. at the time i thought you guys would appreciate the fact that me being unabashedly performative for you isn't limited to the realm of the physical anymore. i was resolute in my mission to bring the christopher chuckles virtual and make y’all laugh hard enough to remind you that yes, i'm cool as fuck and i'm that friend you want to keep.

clearly, i failed.

one could argue that most of you are on facebook, and my account is deactivated indefinitely, because i still stand by my opinion which is facebook is a toxic cesspool of "edgy humor" and boomer virtues that catalyzes the death of healthy discourse. this dissonance between platforms could be one of the reasons my blog flopped among my circle of friends, but that is not on me!

is it my fault that you plebs have not yet evolved past your facebook phase? please, we're not 13 anymore (says the person who's blogging on tumblr, of all places).

one could also argue i'm not actively promoting this blog, but that's mainly because i'm doing this thing where i act like i'm too cool for blogging and that i'm not actually taking this seriously. i'm going for that casual suave flair where it looks like i'm writing this for fun and that it's no big deal but it actually is. i am dying for engagements and feedback like a fucking attention whore on isolation for three whole months.

except none of that’s happening.

probably because i post on odd hours of the day and my "new blog post" notices immediately get covered by other content i get excited about. but i don't think that's my fault. i mean, are you really my friend if you don't look through each and every single one of my posts just in case you miss something important? (like an insta story of me taking a selfie in the loo, par exemple?)

i thought so. bitches be fake as hell.

finally, one might say the content i'm putting out isn't worth reading and isn't really relevant to the times. which, to that i say, fuck you.

because first, do you really have anything better to do with your time? please, let's not act like you're not as bored out of your mind as i am. in fact, you should be thanking me for providing you with a source of entertainment, even if only for a few minutes.

second, anything you can read is worth reading. even though i'm mostly just rambling and not making sense most of the time, this shit i'm putting out is still good brain exercise. how about you put those comprehension skills to the test by trying to make sense of an incoherent blog post? (yes bitch we're doing drills so you might as well call me kelly rowland because tonight i'll be your commander. now, attention!!!)

and finally, yes, i have heard the demands of the precious few who gave feedback. so for shits and giggles, my next blog post will be a more serious one (oh, the irony). partly because i'm not an awful bitch through and through and i want to show that i can take constructive criticism (or can't i?) and mostly because i've already tried this humor shtick and i'm curious to see how my writing will stack up against something that isn't just pure brain rot. let it be known that i am NOT a one-trick pony!

so now that we have the facts all laid out, my question to you is, are you doing your part to keep my blog alive? or do you need a reminder that religious nuts are out there spreading the word of the lord, and that bitch is dead! talk about LOYALTY! in comparison, how hard is it to spread the word of a bitch who's still alive?? my gospel deserves to be heard too. go forth and spread it dear disciples. give daddy's analytics peaks and valleys, for fucks sake.

[homosexualcolombus]

christopher loses his marbles (or why i’ve decided to start blogging)

even though prodonktivity is a social construct, my irls on social media seem to be obssessed with it, so i found myself subscribing to this mythical school of thought because the hive mind is real for dumb bitches like me who are unable to think for themselves. since then, i wasn't able to do something without me questioning myself whether it's actually productive or not. which is annoying, because really, who the fuck cares?

and anyway, what constitutes an activity as productive? what exactly are the parameters of "productivity" and how the hell do you quantify that shit?

i had so many questions.

i have this much needed break from being in the academe and yet here i am figuring out how to spend my time in a way that would be deemed acceptable to the capitalistic zombie society who's wired to do nothing but work, work, work. by no means am i being held at gunpoint to actually *BE* productive, i've just been a tiny bit brainwashed, but in the end it is still my prerogative to participate. the onus is on me to deal with how to go about it.

so why blogging? one might ask, and the answer is incredibly simple: i like to write... even though the process is an incredibly stressful, aggravating, and frustrating experience. be it that i may have read too many books during my adolescent years and had no one to tell me writing is not as therapeutic as i thought it would be, then maybe i wouldn't have considered doing this today. however, i have been putting my foot on the gas pedal of this writing thing for too long that i have honestly no idea how to stop it without it ending in a fatal crash. years and years worth of works ranging from cringy softboy poems to fanfics of heterosexual korean boybands whose sole career focus is to capitalize on queerbaiting naive, innocent pubescent teens prove that fact. i AM in this for the long haul.

yes, i could have chosen to churn out another 20k words worth of abo smut of kim junmyeon and oh sehun but what exactly does that achieve? (except deposit more material for depraved faggots like me's spank banks?) i would like to believe i could contribute something more important to society than writing about suho getting rawdogged in some department store fitting room because he conveniently "forgot" to take his heat suppressants. i would like to think i'm better than that (i am NOT, but a boy can dream).

but as i sat down to write what i hoped would be a movement-inspiring blog post, my brain immediately went blank. dumb and dumber refused to cooperate. as much as i would have loved for this blog to be filled with revolutionary political thinkpieces, dumb and dumber's outcries of needing a space to be unapologetically stupid was too enticing.  twitter is all well and good a platform for the same purpose but of course, i am a hag who cannot keep things concise.

so here we are.

if at any point in reading do u feel like an old hag is rambling at you, you're right and that is absolutely valid. despite my initial intentions of what these blogs are supposed to be, in the process of writing i have discovered the nirvana that is the catharsis of letting my thoughts stream freely onto the page. contrary to what i used to believe, writing is indeed therapeutic! hallelujah, i have finally seen the light. no more ass-clenching nights spent trying so hard to write junmyeon being knotted by 8 different men and pumped full of cum as descriptively as possible. AND it gets better because i even get to post these useless stuff under the guise of being productive because the "collective" thinks blogging is acceptable!

let's be real, not many people will read my blogs, and the few that will, will certainly have those that cannot fully comprehend the whole mess. for the most part, these will be enshrined in vague, unclicked "new blog" instagram story posts, facebook statuses, and tweets that serve to solidify my status as an upstanding, productive member of our society. each post will be my "fuck you" to all the karens who say "fake it till you make it" after peer pressuring you by subtly flexing everything they've achieved during the quarantine. you can all suck my fat productive cock.

[homosexualcolombus]

unsolicited online dating advice

let's be real, i was just as blindsided as the next person and had no clue that a few months into this wretched year of our lorde 2020 we would be living through a major historical event that is the outbreak of the covid-19 pandemic. so now, i'm home from university with nothing else to do, stuck in quarantine with no idea how long it would last. couple that with the fact that i am a complete gen z stereotype in the sense that i am always glued to my phone and my laptop, talking to strangers on the internet and broadcasting every single vapid detail of my relatively uninteresting life to a just-as-uninterested audience, and you have yourself a recipe for disaster.

two weeks and a thousand pages into the pornhub home page later, i got tired of the rinse and repeat and decided i wasn't gonna be that bitch who gets carpal tunnel less than a month into quarantine. question is, where would i put all the pent-up sexual frustration into now that the sweet release of pulling the padge is no longer an option? the answer? tinder.

by the time i finally got used to the sour taste that "e-dating" brings to my mouth, i realized i needed a game plan.

don't get me wrong, i'm no stranger to tinder and online dating, and i'm not even kidding when i say it's legitimately a war zone out there. god forbid u get hit by a stray hormone in the battlefield (in which case, f in the chat for our fallen soldier). but with the current situation in mind i knew i wasn't going into just any regular battle, hell not even a regular hunger games, but a full blown quarter quell.

this, of course, led me to convening a meeting with my two remaining brain cells: dumb and dumber. now the last thing dumb "retained" was a stupid ad from a youtube video: an e-toro ad. normally i would have dismissed that stupid idea (if you can even call it that) but given the shortage of manpower i decided to look at it in a different way. which then led me to thinking of approaching dating as a marketing strategy (which, by the way, whew! big reach. so glad i stretched before that one). in the vein of the ad topic, dumber decided to regurgitate the memory of an old tv commerial from my head.

tinder. meet, chat, date. olx. hanap, usap, deal.

see the difference between the two? yeah no, me neither.

so now i'm on board, even though i was totally not expecting to get a sensible idea from dumb and dumber. the problem is, how the fuck do i market myself as a person desirable enough to make people want to buy into the fantasy?

i tried forcing myself to remember every single econ related lecture and every single experience i had in grade school where i was forced to sell shit for grades until i've finally managed to unleash my inner entrepreneur. she came and she came ready. the bitch even brought with her a checklist so you know she means business (also because she's a capricorn, and they're all anal like that)

1. branding

i would be the first person to tell you my name is very pedestrian... the kind of pedestrian who's unlucky enough to be collateral damage in a freaky car accident. i have a white person's name too (christopher!!! yes as in colombus aka the world-renowned caucasian colonizer) so i'd say i'm not doing so hot in the branding department.

inner entrepreneur's solution? a nickname. one unique enough that it catches someone's attention, but not quirky enough to make them think your parents are hippies. in the end i chose toph, because it's not THAT common, and it gives the hot normies an opening to make avatar: the legend of aang puns so overall a win-win.

2. aesthetics

the mirror is not my friend, and nor is the camera. i'm what you would categorize as "aesthetically challenged"ㅡ in short, i'm ugly. but this aspect i wasn't really too worried about because i wasn't born yesterday. appearances, especially in photos, are easy to enhance. i knew my good angles and with the help of a few filters and good lighting i was all set. it also helps that i have an android phone because let's be real, who wants to look clapped in hd? certainly not me! i believe beauty is in the eye of the cctv footage quality selfie.

android - 1 apple - 0

3. product integrity

don't pretend to be something you're not because that jig gets real old real fast. i'm the type of person who likes to lay out all my cards on the table, and in that spirit, i'm upfront and honest to my matches about being a pathological liar. it's fun making them squirm by letting them second guess everything i say as they desperately try to decipher what i am and i'm not lying about. plus, everytime i feel the conversation slipping into snoozefest territory, i just say something wayyyy out of pocket and it shoots the conversation right back to party city! is it real, or did i make it up, who cares? who says i don't know how to keep a relationship spicy?

4. advertising

no, pleb, this does not mean you should buy tinder gold (unless you're an incel, in which case, be my guest). what this means is that i swiped religiously. i made sure i reached my like limit early so that i get maximum engagement by the time the 12-hour timer resets. the more users i liked, the more chances my profile appears in their cards, and in this house, we love good exposure!

so now you've read this far and you might be wondering, is this method successful? can i apply this to me too? and let me be the first to tell you it isn't. i would NOT have made a whole blog post and posted it on the internet for free for everyone to see if it did. the point here is that if you've read this far and thought "well maybe this can work" then i've successfully managed to waste a good few minutes of your time (or maybe not few, idk how fast you read), which in the age of quarantine, is a commodity you're bound to have too much of.

now, i believe a thank you is in order?