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High-Way To Hell
Well, here it goes... I'm high again.. Went over to a different Grindr guy's this time and we've been smoking and initiating in mesmerizing sex throughout the night. We all had a great time for the most part except for the 22 year old kid, "Nik" he is some sort of cross dressing prostitute that's addicted to sex.. Fred? is a pretty cool guy. Not to mention he's fifty one years old yet somehow doesn't look a day over 30. He has a great big cock and is great in bed. He even somehow managed to make my cock hard while I was spun by using his magic lips and tongue. Bad news about this cool guy Fred though.. Turns out he's a, no wait, you guessed it! Fred is a fucking slammer... As soon as I heard of this while it was just the two of us here, ( Nik was ran off prostituting himself in Minneapolis ) I asked almost instantly if he'd let me do one and of course he said no.. Now it's 07:47pm on December 28th. and Nik and I are waiting for Fred to take a shower. He thinks he was sneaky taking his filled up syringe into the bathroom with him. So he's probably spinning off the walls in there...
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You Spin Me Right around Baby...
I've officially reverted back to my Lisa like tendencies... Tonight makes the 2nd night in the past week and a half that I've decided to use dope again. Once I'm sober I feel really guilty having everyone convinced I'm really trying to stay clean this time but, while I'm spun, frankly, I could give a shit less. The shit kicks ass! What else can I say? This feeling is something I'll definitely be chasing for the rest of my life. Down side to that is the addiction factor and also the money 😝but, the optimistic side is that I've found something in this dull, cold, and especially evil world, that makes me feel pure ecstasy. I've never had a dull moment while I was high, ever. ( Unless my time was ruined by another tweaker ) I'm worried to open up to anyone about this current relapse because, I'm not sure how many chances I have left... I have no idea what I would do if I lost the handful of people in this world I can honestly say I care deeply for.. I just realized how selfish I'm being.. I want the benefits of getting high but, also want the benefits of remaining sober. The choice is mine and I hate to say it but, it really boils down to: Would you rather keep getting high and eventually loose everyone ( Nobody can hide something like that forever ) Or would I prefer to remain trusted and cared for by the only people in this world I love unconditionally... I can't loose these people but, I've mentally processed this debate a million times now. My actions speak louder than words, and in this past year, I've proven to everyone ( Mainly myself ) that I've chosen the dope over the trust, love, and compassion... Who knows what it's going to take to kick this forever... Who knows if I'd ever be willing to kick this forever...
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I be petty as hell like this too sometimes
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Sage at ARIA Las Vegas’ cocktail “Smoke Missing Mirrors” gives dinner & a show an entirely new meaning. (21+)
Cinemagraph by Tumblr Creatr Daria Khoroshavina
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Broken...
He doesn't even seem to care or notice that he's now toying with my state of mental captivity... He's breaking my heart and doesn't want to admit he's doing anything wrong. He's still planning hookups behind my back, he's stopping right in the middle of us having sex with a dumb excuse, he's making me literally fall out of love with him. All these tricks "don't mean anything" but still he can't even seem to maintain sex with me for more than 6 minutes. He's hooking up behind my back because "I just don't put out enough for him." And he's continually lying to my face to "avoid confrontation" I get that I don't completely fulfill his sexual desires but, if you're actually that done with everything I have to offer, you can grow a fuckin pair and brake up with me like a man. Everyday since five days ago he's seemed to find a way to shatter off a new piece of my heart. Carelessly, as long an he's able to "have his own tweak" on every gay hookup app imaginable and those "tweaks" manage to get him off at the end of the day. I'm only one shattered heart piece away from completely concaving mentally. I keep hoping it's going to get change soon but, its only realistically getting worse.
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