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homo-musical-spider · 3 months ago

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“x ANA x” – Badflower

★★★★★★★★ (8/10)

CWs: brief sexual talk, drug use (prescription) and a dependency on it, descriptions of anxiety side effects

youtube

I didn't actually like this song when I heard it the first couple of times, usually skipping it when I'd listen to the album, but after taking some time to listen to the lyrics it actually grew on me a lot. I really like the way it describes anxiety and how the song itself feels like a panic attack with how erratic it is. For the longest time, I actually had no idea the song was named after a drug, which makes me feel stupid because it literally says the name of the drug in the song. Why do so many drugs have adjacent to people names

I can't feel my toes or my fingertips

My chest is pounding so fast I can't keep up with it

I'm losing it, fuck, I just wanna quit

And I'm clenching my face and and I'm touching my dick

I need a fix Ana fix and I'm sick of this

Showing people my tricks and my tics

Ana judging me

Judging my fucking sex ANA x ANA x

And I'm faking just to stay in my body

I'm nervous, I can't fucking stand it

I really like how the song starts out with a kind of mumbly tone as the music video shows the lead singer talking to himself in the mirror (which i love the choice to just put him in a monkey costume, it definitely gives off the vibe of mental issues making you feel like others view you as an animal to observe) but the last line of the first part always kinda throws me off for a sec. That line definitely kinda throws off the vibe for a second and doesn't really tie back into anything else

Well if that's what they're giving me

The pills are my necessity now

You won't fix my attitude

'Cause Ana does it better than you

(Ana does it better)

Ana you save my soul

Can you let me have my heart for a minute

This is one the few part of the song that's actually singing and I actually think both parts are very good, the singing and the talking compliment each other really well and make the song kinda chaotic and unpredictable in a good way. Also I had to manually fix the lyrics for “can you let me have my heart for a minute” because the main ones on google say “my heart, fall in it” which didn't sound right so i listened to it again and changed it cuz it definitely did not say “fall in it”.

Yea-hah

(I need you)

If nothing else convinces you to listen to this song, listen to it just to hear this part. This silly little noise. I fucking love this bit. It makes me giggle. Also in the music video after he says this he walks out into an empty stage and the music stops and he's just standing there awkwardly while a guy tells him he sucks and boos him off the stage, all while still wearing the monkey costume.

Ok I'm sick

Not the kind of sick that lands you in the doctor

Not the kind that makes you weak and then heals you stronger

It's a kind of sick that turns your legs into spaghetti

A kind of sick that makes your blood burn and your bones heavy

The kind of sick that makes an atheist pray for Jesus

The kind of sickness that turns your power into weakness

I fucking love this part so much, like actually genuinely I love this part. The monologue explains really well what it's like to suffer not just from anxiety but mental illness over all. Everyone says it makes you “stronger” but nobody I've met feels stronger because of but instead in spite of it. Your problems don't make you stronger, they weaken you. You have to fight to choose to be strong in spite of your issues. I like how it points out how it's not just something you heal from, it's something you have to continue to battle against. I also like how this line makes the song the "says the album name in the song song"

And I'm sick of being sick for this whole fucking place to witness

And I'm living a sick life that most people call privilege

And they're kinda right but I'm still sicker than I can cope with

This is just a continuation of the monologue but I decided to talk about it separately because I really feel this part as someone who grew up feeling like i was too mentally ill to be viewed as normal but not enough to justify therapy. I was always ill enough to be judged for it but not enough for help because I always told myself other people had it worse because other people were in mental wards and harming themselves and always doing so much worse than I thought I was. But I've recently come to realize that in telling myself I didn't need help because “others had it worse” I slowly ended up like those people and falling into those pits in my own ways. I think it can be a dangerous game to feel like you're “privileged” when it comes to your illness because it makes it easy to dismiss how you feel and let it get worse.

Ana you save my soul

Can you let me have my heart for a minute

I suffer for a living

There has to be a limit

You know I love you so

But that's what I've been given

Ana (want you save my soul)

Ana (want you to make me slow down)

Ana (want you save my soul)

Ana (want you to make me slow down)

🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺

It's showtime

I have a lump in my throat

I forgot how to breathe

Only know how to choke

And all these people are waiting

To see the kid with the rage

But I'm afraid he might collapse before he gets to the stage

I need x ANA x

Help me bury my thoughts

And all the pressure I've suffered

To be someone that I'm not

Now, I've never suffered from stage fright (I love attention) but I can relate to this part from a perspective of putting on a presentation towards the world of not fucking losing it when you definitely are undoubtedly losing it. There's a lot of times I've tried to pretend like I'm okay but I'm really bad at that so it always just ends in me imploding mentally and then exploding externally. I used to have really frequent panic attacks when I was in high school because I would get stressed then i wouldn't or wouldn't be allowed to remove myself from the situation then I would eventually explode and freak the fuck out on everyone. I think a lot of people I went to school with thought I was crazy and unstable (I kinda am but shhh)

I'm shaking a lot

(Hey don't fuck up tonight, it's your only shot)

It's really small but I like the use of another voice for the second line as it shows that sometimes people who mean no harm or just want to tell us to do our best don't always realize they are stressing us out further at making it all worse. There were a lot of times growing up people told me I needed to do this to accomplish this and I'd immediately get scared of fucking up I'd entire a mental paralysis and become unable to do anything useful surrounding that thing. That's the fun thing about anxiety and depression, the latter makes me need others to motivate me and the former makes it so if anybody else even perceives me doing anything it implies an expectation and i don't do well with those

Ready or ready or ready or ready or not

It's a party

I just really really like this line delivery, it makes me imagine someone looking into a camera with a grin as it zooms in on their face. It's also just kinda funny given everything else, the sarcasm is strong.

You know I love you so

Ana you saved my soul

Ana (let's pump it up, let's go)

Ana (don't make me lose control)

You know I love you so

Ana you save my soul

Ana (let's pump it up, let's go)

Ana (don't make me lose control)

🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺

Okay the song is over now

But I'm not ready to go

(Ana) So this is the shit that happens

When I stay awake for days at home (Ana)

Hey! Wanna see what happens when I mix Xanax

Blow and a MacBook pro (what the-)

One of the lyric sites I'm on (decided to open one to double check lyrics) labeled this as the interlude and yeah it feels like one not even just in the music tense but in the theater sense. It has a sort of slow down from the chaos of the layered vocals and instead has a nervous mumble like the beginning. I also like the facial expressions in the music video during this part. I'm actually not fully confident on the last line because it's not listed on the lyrics site because of it being background vocals and the lyric coming from the dubious google search lyrics. I've always thought it says “god no” but either really works honestly I think.

Don't make me lose control

Ana (white pills coming up, let's go)

Ana (too late to save my soul)

Ana (chew it up, chew it up, let's go), oh woah

Ana (coming up, coming up, let's go)

Ana you save my soul (my soul)

Suffer for a living, has to be a limit

You know I love you so (you so)

My anxiety traps me like a prison

That's what they're giving me

The drugs are a necessity

(I can't live without you)

You won't fix my attitude

Ana does it better

🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺

Ana you make me slow down

I like how the slow down is actually slowed down. It's cool. Also how the song sounds like it's about to end then it just doesn't.

Joey's gonna hate this

I've legit wondered for years who the hell Joey is, is he their manager? Why does he hate it? Is it because there's so many lyrics? Possibly. Definitely not because of the mental illness though, this band covers too many songs about mental illness for the big guys to care now.

Ana does it better

Don't make me lose control

Ana

The effect of the last “Ana” is cool

I really like this song and think it was a good choice for my first song here! Even though it is SO LONG, I actually chose it via my mix playlist on Youtube. I hadn't listened to it in forever but glad I had an excuse to listen again. It's definitely a good song and has an interesting music video, totally worth the watch to see a man run around in a money costume. I think the song is a really good representation of anxiety and the feelings of having to be dependent on substances and assistance to keep it under control. It's one of the songs that's mostly talking that I actually really like and think the format actually benefits it. I think it's interesting how it describes the dependency on xanax like a romantic relationship but in an almost unhealthy undesired way, which is a big contrast to another song I like (that I legit thought was a love song for a long time) maybe I'll cover that song soon >:3

#x ana x - badflower #badflower #anxitey #songs about mental illness #Youtube

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