hocuspocusbylooble

[hocuspocusbylooble]

I probably won’t post to this blog again. Still have a headache. Still have work to do. Thank you, no one and everyone 💚

[hocuspocusbylooble]

You can say something and it’s normal valid thing to say and feel but then it becomes a series of posts that are easy to make fun of, even reading them by yourself

[hocuspocusbylooble]

and i still don't know if i'm talking to myself or not ✌️

[hocuspocusbylooble]

i don't expect anything to be done about this or anything, i just wanted to explain something i said while i was upset

[hocuspocusbylooble]

i just want to be quiet for a while and not bother anyone about anything

[hocuspocusbylooble]

i fee like shit in a minor not serious way so i'm complaining, sorry

[hocuspocusbylooble]

i hate adderall

[hocuspocusbylooble]

i'm most upset about the DS but if I find it I will be so sorry and never complain about anything else in that post again

[hocuspocusbylooble]

that just keeps getting worse

[hocuspocusbylooble]

i feel like shit and i've got a headache on adderall

[hocuspocusbylooble]

i don't think writing that helped

[hocuspocusbylooble]

Sorry I needed to say this again more calmly to satisfy an urge and it's not required reading or anything but

Random and self-indulgent, already mentioned in a freak out to no one and everyone. Mentioning it again because it's nagging at me

I had a ~15 y/o burgundy DSi XL with a copy of Dragon Quest IX: Sentinels of the Starry Skies in it that I haven't seen since before my partner's ex-roommate left. It also had 2 brain training games and a doodle animator pre-installed. I had it since I was 14, and it has childhood memories on it, pictures, drawings, animations. It has 15 years worth of memories on it. It has one awkward animation my best friend drew when we were 15-16.

I would not assume it was the ex-roommate if the cat jar and several cups of mine hadn't also gone missing. If the cat jar turns up, I will update and say so. He also tried to replace one of the cups when I got upset over a missing mug, which... he replaced it with a cup that wasn't exactly like the old one, so that's how I became aware he was responsible.

He also had plastic stained (as in too dirty to ever be clean again) flamingo bowls he never used and didn't value enough to take with him, but he used our new bowls that he also ate out of to feed cats outside. When they would fall off the porch and roll underneath, he wouldn't look for them. He would use another. Now they're all gone.

I saw the bowls as a mistake. He washed dishes and cleaned more than anyone else. He was not the worst roommate and his problems with us were justified. But destroying/stealing possessions, including medication and my irreplaceable DS, are too fucked up. And he did not have a conversation with us about a lot of it until after things went missing and were destroyed. A lot of it, he never had a discussion with us about at all. And I have reason to believe he saw me struggling and suffering enough.

Sorry, I deleted the paragraph about my adderall before posting this. Now I've edited it a lot so whatever. But he threw away a CVS bag that very obviously contained a full pill bottle and I spent hours trying to find it. It was in the nasty outdoor trash can. If I hadn't found it, I would have been screwed for the rest of the month. I had just bought it, it hadn't been opened, so that was an entire month's worth of adderall. I left it in the living room by accident, he threw it in the trash, and there was no way he couldn't have noticed the noise, the weight of it, the movement of the pills. I took that into account when I found it and it was too hard to believe it was a mistake.

And I never made a problem about anything he did wrong to me because I felt like I was worse. But in hindsight, it bothers me a lot more now. It never happened while we were in the same room. I wasn't aware of any of it until after the damage had already been done, and I felt too guilty over other things to make a problem about it.

He never had a conversation with me or tried to talk about any of his problems with me. He did one time, during one bad incident, and he was very helpful that one time, and he showed he had the ability to be reasonable and considerate during that one incident, but only after he had left me on read and given me the silent treatment before. And he was very nonverbal, which was why I never wanted to hold it against him. I have trouble talking to people I feel awkward with, and I know it can be taken as silent treatment, but this was “silent treatment” since it was over text and he left me on read.

I would have preferred negotiating repayment with him over time instead of having my possessions stolen or destroyed, but now I don't feel indebted to him at all.

I feel like he was impulsive and destructive when he was angry at worst, and maybe felt entitled to stealing things instead of asking to be paid back, and nothing much worse than that. If either the cat jar or the DS shows up, I will update this.

[hocuspocusbylooble]

Michi by Utada Hikaru just started playing as I saw this

[hocuspocusbylooble]

Um I am a humanist

[hocuspocusbylooble]

Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple

[hocuspocusbylooble]

Final word: I would like to never subject you to anything like this again. I would like for your presence in my life to continue. I am a freak. I am a weirdo.

[hocuspocusbylooble]

I think community is more important than therapy. If an individual cannot join a community without therapy, there’s that. But my biggest problem has always been social anxiety and i got over it (to an extent, not completely) with positive social interactions before, and I can do it again. But communication through screens is harder than face to face for me because I rely a lot on nonverbal cues.