his-eclipse

[his-eclipse]

Yippie?

[his-eclipse]

8th July 2023.

We went to a blur concert in Wembley; we didn’t even sit next to each other. Actually, you told me you were in seats in the complete opposite side of the arena just ahead of me.. What a coincidence huh?

I know it sounds so cheesy but I had thought of you throughout the whole concert… How you were so close even if there were ninety thousand people around and between us.

And then tender came on.

I screamed those lyrics into the crowd hoping they would reach you.

—M

[his-eclipse]

One day I hope to be a son that is recognised as a man.

I hope my chest is flat enough for people to not question if I am overweight or simply a women.

I hope my freckles and green eyes are more recognisable than the extra skin under my chin.

I hope my thighs wouldn’t feel so /loud/ as they rub even though they make no noise at all.

I hope I start thinking people loved me for me rather than the idea I could be, like broken promises that my acne will go away and I’ll try to work out harder.

I hope my confidence grows and I could share my most intimate secrets with the one I love.

I hope I can scream at concerts and not care about anyone else because it feels so good to cry those lyrics back at their faces.

I hope I don’t have to care about finding love too soon before it’s too late for me.

I hope one day I can show people my music and just be the guy who made it; no labels and no stereotypes.

I hope I don’t have to worry about my dad anymore.

I hope my mom stops worrying.

I hope my sister gets better.

I hope I can take care of myself.

I wished my friends cared more.

I hope one day everything will just become quiet, and the noise won’t rack my brain when all I want to do is sleep.

I wish luck was on my side because my hope is running out.

—M

[his-eclipse]

08/05/23

We won all of our games, we laughed and it felt different some how. Like we were closer even though I haven’t spoken to you since your birthday.

You also engaged with me today. It made me feel reassured that maybe you do like talking and playing with me.

I can’t stop thinking about how softly you spoke to me. I was too scared to push forward, to take a tower, and you said, SO softly and full of so much encouragement “you can take this”

It’s such a simple sentence but the way you spoke as softly as you did, even while shouting at our teammate who (admittedly) was throwing, and as kindly as you did locked onto me tonight.

Why do you have to be so nice to me. It would be easier if you was rude to me or I had reason to dislike you.

God the way you laughed with me too was beautiful.

I think I’m going in too deep for someone I believe I’ll never have a chance with.

And while it hurts when you’re gone and my thoughts catch up, the vulnerability and the feeling of love I get when I’m with you is worth it while it lasts.

I feel like such a creep speaking about you like this without you knowing but I can’t contain my emotions sometimes, it gets overwhelming when I think about you.

-M

[his-eclipse]

Tonight I’m frustrated.

Im frustrated and I’m angry.

I don’t know why I had to turn out this way. If I hadn’t, would things even be different? Would I have met you? Would my company be as enjoyed? Would I still have suffered as much? Liked the same bands? The same people? The same relationships?

Would I still be aching and yearning just to speak to you? Too scared to push you away if I sent you another message?

Tonight I want to be anyone than me more than ever. I want to be fitted to you, filtered out and drained until everything about me would be perfect for you.

Tonight I’m aching and I’m tired.

I wonder if I was just born a women you’d like me. Would I be your type? Would I be pretty? Would I wear skirts for you and dress up just because I knew you’d be there?

Would you open doors for me and hold my hand when other guys are around?

Would you get jealous so I could reassure you that you are all I’ve ever wanted?

God tonight I am so angry.

-M

[his-eclipse]

It’s 21:34, the 24th of April, and I just can’t get you off my mind.

You’re in my song, my music.

You’re in my words, my thoughts.

You’re in the way the wind blows the short of my hair against my very own cheek, as if you was to be there to caress it too.

You’re in the way my heart pounds against my chest, when the heat rises to my cheeks every time you cross through my brain.

You’re everywhere and it’s suffocating; like a snake wrapped around my neck, biting in and intoxicating me as if to not think of anything but it.

I feel charmed yet not, compelled but to nothing.

I want to breathe every part of you in but shove you away all at once.

You are such a mystery to me, my sun. I wish I could understand you.

-M

[his-eclipse]

Flying overseas with my friends, and without you for the first time, was interesting.

After a few beers in the pool you came up in conversation while I pathetically whined about not having a boyfriend (or not having you, but it seems I didn’t need to mention your name)

Both of my friends turned to me and mentioned you anyway.

It’s not like my feelings for you are unknown to them, but it’s nice that they think I have a chance with you.

Though if I ever hear you described as “single and ready to

Mingle” ever again, I might have to avoid bringing you up at all.

-M

[his-eclipse]

I hate that I find beauty in the pain of loving you.

I hate that I imagine our every interaction.

I hate that I know you don’t even think of me.

I hate that I spend every minute thinking about how I would tell you.

I hate that you look like you would fit perfectly against me.

I hate that I would trust to be so vulnerable around you.

I hate that I wanna feel your arms around me and mine around you.

I hate that I have to get drunk to admit these feelings for you.

I hate that I one day hope we can be old and cringey and I can show you these love notes I’ve written for you.

I hate that I love your name.

I hate that I get excited when you’re around.

I hate that I’m imagining we could be each others firsts.

I hate that our friends tell me we’d be cute even though I know I’m not your type.

I hate that I like you and there’s nothing more I can do about that.

I hate that it hurts.

-M

[his-eclipse]

Tossing and turning in my bed, pillow clutched against my chest, wondering what it would be like to share it with you.

Would we both fall asleep with our backs to each other just to wake in the morning with my head pressed to your chest, your arm wrapped around my back and mine your waist?

Would we wake in the morning and feel awkward or shy? As if we were lovestruck teenagers again unable to express the way we feel?

Would you avoid my eye? Ignore me as if I never existed last night? Would you smile and greet me with a good morning?

To toss and turn in my bed wondering what it would be like to share it would you, it feels intense and exciting to live in the hope that one day you do.

-M

[his-eclipse]

My sun.

Cherry red lips and melancholy eyes, staring at you as if you would leave any second.

As if the waves in the ocean would stop and the beating of his heart would disappear if he looked away, as if missing a single breath you took meant he’d miss a lifetime of you.

Because to him, you was beautiful. The way the wind brushed your hair and your hand skimmed a crossed his skin as if he was the most precious thing in the world.

Until the sun went down and he intwined with another star.

And then melancholy became sadder, lips became pale and suddenly to him seconds seemed like forever as everything stopped.

He squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could possibly hoping for something to change.

He didn’t want this.

He never did.

He took a deep breath and stared at the oceans horizon, heart skipping every time the waves crashed and met with the sand miles below him.

He looked for hours hoping there was a different way.

And as the sun set once again, moving past that horizon; further than he could see, and barely out of his reach.

His aching heart found peace.

[his-eclipse]

[his-eclipse]