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hilary-amaya-starr · 5 months ago

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Written 7 years ago. Annual reshare.

Still hope you see it someday.

Will NEVER forget you.

I will always be happy to hear from you no matter how long it takes❤️

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY SIBLINGS:

It took me years to ever come to the realization that any of this was abuse. I do not expect anyone in the middle of this mental game to see it or understand it clearly. But if you are ever looking for answers, If things just don't seem right, I have to write this letter with the other side of the story. If you ever need it you will be able to find it. If you ever feel guilty or like a traitor for thinking for yourself you need to know you are not.

For years I have not written this because I didn't want to appear to be bashing someone, or push you farther away. But I am not bashing anyone and it's time to speak. You need to know I didn't "Abandon you." and you are old enough to understand things are more complicated than they might first appear.

This is my personal experience, tactics change with each person and situation, we each experienced a different version of this but the game is the same.

Before, during and after our parents separation and the divorce there was very intentional conditioning, before this there was some weird stuff but it was buffered by dads presence and not as obvious or constant.

I was told to tell CPS if they came, that we were happy with mother and that Dad scared us and was mean. At Dr. appointments I was told not to say anything in small talk because it could be used to take my siblings away if I said the wrong thing. I was so stressed out at one such appointment the nurse was trying to find out why my blood pressure was so high and asking me questions, I just said I didn't know to everything she asked. Than mom was mad because I “Acted weird and suspicious.” and it would be my fault if CPS was called. I was never allowed alone with a doctor. After each incident like that where she thought I “Put us all in Danger” she would say she didn't know “what was wrong with me.” If friends or family came to the house I was to hide my siblings and keep them quiet, if the curtains had been open and they could see in we would stay under the bed or behind furniture until they left. If Dad or anyone called sometimes she would let me answer but would stand close enough to listen to every word they said and shake her head if i started to say the wrong thing. She was a bit less weird with Gabriel around.

Conditioning continued to get progressively more intense. I was made to believe my dad and older sister were extremely dangerous, that they would kill my whole family and kidnap Jeremiah. She had me watch documentaries about husbands killing their wives and children to drive her point in and would say Dad had tried all these different things to kill us. I was told if Dad or my sister ever came to the door to kill them and to hide my siblings. I was told anything good I thought or remembered about dad was "fake" so anything nice I remembered "didn't matter"

Each time I began to think I understood the rules they changed, what was ok one day was forbidden the next. So I began shut down communication to a minimum never knowing when we were allowed to do or say what or if it had changed. But than I wasn't talking enough so she would get angry and say l was hiding things since I wasn't offering information and there was "something wrong with me". There were constantly “Research” projects for me from spying on Dad to finding new places to live.

Every moment was Scheduled, bathroom use timed, toilet paper squares counted, food assigned and I could not eat extra, I was hungry a LOT and would take bits that I hoped were unnoticeable off multiple things so I didn’t get in trouble for “eating more than enough”. She also drove a wedge between me communicating with our older brother by suggesting he had told on me for things while she was fishing for information so I thought he was reporting to her and she would say things to make me believe he was going to endanger the other kids because he had done "evil" things like save pictures of him with his dad, she would say she was afraid he was going to get us all killed and ask me if I had seen him doing suspicious things. It was contradicting and confusing enough that you just learned you could not trust or talk to anyone.

Another example is when I fell asleep in a pile of papers I was supposed to be researching for her and she woke me up furious because I was “Unmotivated, Irresponsible and would get my siblings killed because of it as if I didn’t get it together we wouldn’t find a place to move in time and it would be my fault. It was 3:30 in the morning and I was “Lazy” for falling asleep....this was not an abnormal occurrence this was my normal day to day life. Sleeping was "lazy" eating was "selfish" speaking to people was "Dangerous".

Sleep deprivation, Undernourishment, Isolation, told to kill my family if they came to find us, and that if my siblings were murdered it would be because of me, and constantly changing rules. Each time we moved she would tell me she was sorry that “Because of someone else we have to keep living like this.” that she was “Forced to live like this.” It was never true and it is still not. NO ONE WAS FORCING HER TO LIVE LIKE THAT, it was and is a personal choice. THERE WAS AND IS NO THREAT to her or anyone's life.

I did began to find a sort of freedom in working. If I was working I could breath or go to the bathroom without her banging on the door asking why I was in there longer than two minutes. I worked like crazy as much as I could I would work for anyone who would hire me to do almost anything. But there was a new problem as you guys got a little older and I was working more. It became more and more clear she was not ok with me being around you without her. When you were little I was able to be with you alone, I was a mom to you and there was a time where even she admitted I was. But as you got older she began to police our interactions to a strange extent and loosing my relationship with you became a constant worry for me.

As I became more and more frustrated with the situation and the tense relationship between her and I she became more set against me ever having a place in you lives or being with you individually. At this point that all this was unnecessary and bizarre beyond reason hadn't completely sunk in for me yet so I told myself the problem was “Our personalities just clashed.” I told myself as soon as I was not in the same house it would ease the tension between us and I could maintain a relationship with you guys and continue to help financially but things only got worse.

Once I moved out the more careful I was the worse it got. I would rehearse what to say so she wouldn't be offended and carefully choose each word but she would just say I had said something I had not if she decided she wanted to change the meaning. One such example that stands out (as I was painstakingly careful to be clear about it) is when I stayed with you guys for a bit between starting a new job in Missoula, I was very careful and articulate in explaining to her that I would be staying in Missoula because I would not have enough gas to be driving back and forth each day. She acted completely fine with it and I was elated we seemed to be getting along. One week later she called me in a rage saying I had “Disappeared “ and “Abandoned my siblings.” That I had said I was staying there but I lied and had hurt you and she wasn't going to let me around anymore.

Another time I let her know I would not have access to a phone for a week and we had a seemingly normal conversation. A week later when I called she was furious that I “hadn't answered for a week and she was going to report me as a missing person” (I was an adult not a runaway and I had specifically let her know ahead of time the situation.). There was a time I had been working 16 hour days, had not had a day off, told her I would call in a couple days but had to get a couple hours sleep and she called me on the emergency work number because she was not ok with waiting and I almost got fired over it. Because of me being in pictures with a room mates child she told me she “saw the kid I replaced Jeremiah with” She found out me and Gabe went target shooting and was furious with me because “I was being selfish and taking food and money from you by doing frivolous things” I had one job which I would bring leftover food to you guys back from and when the company changed its policy and didn't allow employees to take leftovers anymore she said I made it up, lied about it and was keeping food from you on purpose. I was told I was selfish for spending money on a Dr. appointment, I was selfish for moving out of my car into an apartment in winter, I was wasteful for buying my own car. Gabe offered to help as well, we once figured out how we could move you all to the same town we were in, cover rent, utilities, everything other than food and gas we had figured out budget wise covered so all she would need was a part time job at a grocery store or something simple for that part of it and she was furious over the suggestion after she had been telling us she wanted to move there. She told me I was horrible and selfish to think of having her do something like work at a grocery store because she had business experience and couldn't believe such a thing would even be suggested as if it were some kind of insult. It was impossible to communicate with her reasonably but I kept trying, I hung on in any way I could because I could not let my siblings go.

Anytime something like that happened and I wasn’t responding to her as she wanted me to she would threaten that I was not going to see you guys anymore. I had been on the run with her hiding us from family since the divorce so I knew this was not an idle threat and began to see I was taking the place (in her mind) of the enemy she would be hiding you guys from. This was a constant battle, what to say, what not to say, what she would say I said if I said nothing, what she would make you guys believe about me, that I didn't love you, that I abandoned you, didn't care. When really I was doing all I could not to loose you but she held the cards and an ever changing rule book. In this book she is a martyr, a victim, a poor little lady doing the best she can while the world is mean to her. ITS NOT TRUE.

I never Abandoned or didn't care about you, I never replaced you, Neither did your brother, your dad or any other family and friends. We were all played in the same game. You have family that has been worried about you for decades now. People who cared about you since you were born and still do. You guys are an uncle and aunt who are welcome in the lives of your nieces, nephews, and all your family. We were pushed away and locked out, we were never and never will be a threat. We each experience a different version of this but the end game is the same:

You are to believe she is a Martyr, she is right, if you think what she does not want you to think you are a traitor, If you speak to someone she doesn’t like you have betrayed her. You must be who she wants, do what she wants , speak only to those she likes, marry who she wants, cut off who she wants, or she will make you history and tell others you left by choice.

There is nothing reasonable about it and you can speak to someone she doesn't like without betraying her. You can speak to two people who don’t like each other and have separate relationships with each. You should not feel guilty if your questioning it, you are not betraying or endangering anyone. You can love people someone else you love doesn't like.

I always have loved you

I always will love you. Your sister, Hilary

#breanna starr #jeremiah starr

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