hiddenthoughtsofawanderer

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

222 days to go.

Why am I fucking nervous?

He’s good to me, he’s kind and understanding. He makes me food, and helps with the laundry and cleaning the house. We love our venue, our date is the 10 year anniversary we met. We had a good time during our engagement shoot. We picked our caterer, I have my dress, the florist, my beauty team, our closest friends by our side…

So why are you so scared babygirl?

Why are you holding on so tight to what could’ve, should’ve, would’ve been? So what it’s not what you thought? He’s still showing up, he still loves you. It doesn’t have to be what you planned.

Breathe little one. It’s all going to be okay.

This happened last time at 23, we talked marriage and I panicked. But we aren’t there anymore, we’ve grown and developed into individuals…we choose to walk side by side together.

Ugh so why is there this lingering fear and doubt? I just want to stop questioning if I’m settling. Jack isn’t someone that’s like “settling” with, he’s wonderful, really. He’s just…not my first love. And I wrote so many letters to my love, starting back on November 3rd, 2011. Praying for his safety, that he makes good decisions. That he’s not too in pain or suffering the way I felt I did. That he had guidance through his decision making, that when things went wrong he’d make it through and see why things happened the way they did. The issue is as much as sweet baby Liza said “it could be anyone” she had the expectation that it was someone. Someday.

Oh god someday.

Ugh my heart song sings someday, patience, wait darling. Someday someday…

Let go my little love.

This isn’t settling. You manifested a man who loves you. It’s okay it’s not the boy you first loved. And he’s happier now anyways. You always wanted that for him didn’t you? So please. Don’t. Ruin. This. Don’t run because you’re afraid it’s the wrong decision. Choose him back. Every day.

You got this baby girl.

It’s not settling, it’s just something different than what you thought it would be.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

So this happened on Sunday. Jack and I are officially engaged and planning on getting married next year in May on the day we met. Which like feels nice knowing that he really does want us. He wants things to work and he wants me as his person. The reassurance I needed.

I hope we’re as good as everyone says we are. My scared little heart still holds onto fears that I might not be the right fit, a good partner, that love isn’t what I thought it was. That I should’ve cried when he asked, something must be wrong with me for not. But it’s not like he had a speech, he just was like will you marry me? That’s not a bad thing, I said yes, I was excited. I just thought there might be more…talking? I guess that’s what’s the vows are for, that’s not Jack anyways. He’s more full of jokes and joy. He’s not like sentimental so to speak. He is at times, but it takes a lot and it’s usually in private spaces. Not at the top of a valley before a beautiful 14er we hiked together last year. The hike that saved our relationship basically. Twenty miles in one day, physical proof I would walk anywhere with him no matter how hard it was, and believe me, 14ers are hard. I cried. I mentally had to convince myself I could do it because I didn’t have anything last year. The jobs I had weren’t fulfilling, I was off my meds, I was depressed from losing Maple, and I climbed this mountain to prove I could do it and I would go anywhere and everywhere with him. And he takes me there to propose. That’s more sentimental than I think he realized. At least to me, just because of all I’ve been working through. So it’s good. I’m enjoying this moment.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

At least since that conversation, Jack and I have felt more stable.

Especially considering that I’m filing for bankruptcy…god saying it makes it so real. It’s so scary trusting this is the right decision, I just can’t pay back the credit card debt I have. It’s suffocating. It’s more than I make in a year and it’s getting worse because I can’t afford my credit card bills. Last year dealing with unemployment and having shitty paying jobs really bit me in the ass; I just lost control and it snowballed.

At least I’m addressing it, not giving up. Living is terrifying. With 1 hospitalization from attempting, and 2 almost attempts that got stopped before I swallowed pills…it’s just like my thoughts will always first show up instead of solutions. Suicidal ideation sucks. But it’s not the truth of a solution and I know that. Honestly, me killing myself would just create more problems for everyone I love.

Like Jack, god I couldn’t do that to him. My mom, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, my job would be fucked over, my poor friends would be so confused. Like it’s just not an option anymore even if it’s my first thought, it’s not going to be picked anymore. It’s just annoying having that be the “first solution” when it’s just not one.

Ugh life is such a pain but I’m going to make it beautiful and I’m going to enjoy the most of it. I’m tired of surviving and I want to thrive. So here’s to pushing through the bullshit.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

I tried to be open with Jack about my needs, but I didn’t feel seen or heard… as per usual he sort of brushed it off, thinks he’s fine without therapy for now, other things are more important. Other things are always more important…

I want this to work. I’ve spent almost a decade with him as my friend and 6 years I believe together? We’re supposed to get married.

But I also need a partner who shows up for me emotionally even when it’s hard. Even when my feelings are big, when some people might be overwhelmed…my partner stays and sees me as something wonderful worth sharing life with. Happy, sad, content, or mad, I’m never too much to handle. And all I see is him pushing aside our grief from losing Maple, I see our break up last year, all because I was too much. My emotions are big but they’re not too much. No one gets to call me that. It’s not true.

I don’t know if Jack thinks of me as too much anymore. We are great friends but I don’t know if he truly loves me. Sometimes it feels like I’m the convenient choice given our history. I hope this is just a passing feeling not my life.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

I love that we’re adults who both went(are going) to therapy and learned how to better communicate, because if that night was swept under the rug like we used to I would’ve been so upset. Am I a little hurt by his reasoning for not picking me all those years ago, yes. But it’s okay because that’s his choice. He thinks he wouldn’t be able to show up for me in the ways I need. He already made his decision to marry her and I made a choice to stand by Jack.

This isn’t our timeline.

But shit, I think we could’ve really been something had things gone differently. It’s okay it’s not how it is. I’ll be living my life with my new love. My heart will survive like it always does.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

Good lord, I am coming to tumblr yet again because of him. How the fuck?

I guess let’s catch you up reader.

It’s May of 2022, and I get a follow request on Instagram. It’s him, I almost instantly delete it then I regret it, and message him. He apologizes. He’s trying to not be an asshole, didn’t want to leave it bad between us. We chat a little and I let him follow me and I follow him back. Over the past two years I confide in him, ask for advice, we have friendly banter, send each other’s reels. Getting a little closer to real friends, just over the internet. We have honest conversations, and little flirtations, of course it’s just jokes. Friendly banter, simple, innocent, I try to not dwell on those little flirty moments. It feels too familiar, too close to what we were heading towards in the past. But he’s reliable, the friend of all I need, just like he promised so many years ago. I can’t help it. I reread old posts, waves of nostalgia hitting whenever we talk. I push it away. Friendship. Friendship. I am in this for friendship. He’s engaged by now, there’s no way I could ruin that. Especially considering I’m back with Jack, and even though we’re technically in an open relationship, we’re talking engagement too.

But then it’s Saturday night, and I get a message. “I’m at my bachelor party.” He’s drunk, and he’s messaging me, telling me about his night, all the girls he’s danced with, and he makes a joke about me being “his last boobies”. The door opens, the flirtation begins, but it feels harder to good because he’s cute when he’s drunk. “He’s cute in general”, don’t think that, he’s engaged. Yet I continue to flirt back. I try to be casual.

In my head, I can’t think straight, I’m trying to keep my cool but dammit he’s thinking about me too. He reached out to me. I try to be playful, keep it light hearted. Don’t get attached. Flirt, make jokes, he can’t be second guessing her by thinking about me. I try to push out my feelings. It doesn’t stop me laughing and suggesting I send him my favorite picture from my boudoir shoot, he asks “I mean are we calling off our weddings and picking each other, or just appreciating each other?” Is that a serious question? He can’t actually be serious about leaving her for me. “I don’t think you’d move to Colorado for me, I’m not enough remember?” “Haha yes that’s probably correct”. Right right keep it casual, these are just jokes. I still send the photo. He compliments them. He says something about me not being approved for the swingers vacation. And I’m like probably not…

“I’m patient, a good listener too.” “I’m just in bed, no listening, I sleep now” “okay goodnight, sleep well” little more banter and jokes about not drinking water, a little more flirting, and he passes out. And now I’m here, three nights later, writing it all out at an ungodly hour. I might’ve been tired, but I was fully aware of my actions. I did try to be somewhat good but fuck what am I supposed to do when it’s him? He’s my kryptonite. He messaged me the next day like oh my gosh I was the drunkest of skunks, but never apologized for how the night went. Maybe he doesn’t remember it. Maybe we’re sweeping it under the rug for a little. He’s a month away from getting married, I couldn’t do that. I’m almost engaged anyways…

Yet here I am dwelling on it. Drunken words are sober thoughts. Hey, no, I can’t, stop thinking about it. He would say it sober if he meant it. I need to sleep, it’s been hours of me writing. But I guess at least it’s out of my system.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

So. I’m not at my house tonight so I don’t have my journal. I’ve been drinking but I’m not drunk. But I don’t like not journaling so here I am, digitally. For my own sake. I had a back up bipolar pill in my car, so that’s helpful. I knew I would need it eventually. I still need to talk to my insurance so I can see a doctor about my bipolar meds and about my birth control. I’ve basically been spotting over a week since I’ve ended my period without birth control which is “fun”🙃. I thought it might’ve been done yesterday but of course “sploosh”; I’ve bled through underwear again. I need new pairs anyways I guess. Still not fun. I blocked and deleted him on social media. It feels freeing to do so, maybe even not so much for me but for him I hope. These are my thoughts and he doesn’t get access to them. I gave him a chance and he squandered it. He won’t get that again. Not while he is who he is. The boy I was in love with doesn’t exist anymore and I’ve reconciled with it. My friends can say his name given our social circles are still connected and that has no power over me anymore. I know I have to work through the masculine versus feminine hurt within myself but that’s not something anyone can fix. That’s my work and I will move forwards with it. He can deal with his own guilt on his own; that’s not my responsibility. I have too much going on for myself to worry about that anymore. He has dug his own issues and I trust his guides to help him through it. I also trust my guides to show up to be with me while I work through my traumas and short comings to become my best self. I know I’m on the path to become someone I am proud of. I know I can live up to my own potential. I will keep working towards my goals and make my reality possible. I will keep working towards what I want my future to be and no one; I mean no one, can stop me.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

If you’re creeping through my social, maybe you’ve remembered to check here. And since I’m dealing with other things right now, you are not a priority. You get to choose the next move after reading this.

You are not allowed to stay in an inbetween zone with me. After not being my friend for the past couple months, it’s not fair for you to continue to haunt me. I saw you twice on Instagram, once on LinkedIn. Who knows what else or how often you’ve checked. If you care enough to come back, you have to know that you will need to earn back my trust. There are boundaries I am not passing in a friendship. You are never allowed access to what I’ve given previously. You forfeited that right when you betrayed my trust, when you couldn’t figure out what you wanted with me. And if you cannot be my friend, you cannot stay a ghost. I can’t be sitting here worrying about my own damn life and then see your name checking in on me from afar. You either are my friend or you’re gone. You’re getting blocked if you can’t control yourself. Those are my terms.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

I’m here. I’m really here. I have a job, I’m living, breathing, driving, thriving. Well right now. There’s some things that need my attention, and the one who needs it first is where am I living after September ends? I need to have that established. Soon. I can’t be homeless. I’m not going back to wandering, I want roots. Where is the safest place to lay my roots down?

I will take care of myself. I know I can.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

We’re in the last stretch.

I’m going home. Six years. I’m coming home.

What a fucking ride it’s been. Life has taken so many turns I wasn’t anticipating. But here we are.

I am coming home.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

Dear babygirl,

I know today you feel heavy

I know it’s hard letting go and moving forwards

I know you want to heal the hurt quickly

I know you want to defend yourself

Today you feel like you have to raise your head high

Like today you must be strong.

Dear babygirl,

Even though you believe that things will get better

That there’s good times ahead

That you are strong

You don’t have to ignore your feelings

You can know that better days are ahead

And still feel heavy

And still know your heart is aching

Two opposing feelings can exist at once

That’s okay.

Dear babygirl,

You are resilient

You are strong

And you can rest.

You can bleed

You can cry

And still be validated in your positive qualities

Duality isn’t a crime.

You are allowed to take care of yourself first

Honor your hurt.

You are alive.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

Now that we’re finally living apart, it’s like I’m experiencing heartbreak all over again. Jackson was my whole world, which was unhealthy. I can’t sit here and pretend like the bad parts of our relationship didn’t exist. But I also can’t pretend like I didn’t love him. There’s far too much evidence that proves otherwise. It is possible to be in love with someone and for it to be unhealthy and that’s what hurts the most. I just wish I could turn back time. I wish I met Jack at a time that I wasn’t still having feelings for Jason. I don’t think I mean that, I just wish I hadn’t hurt him. I know I caused so much pain because of where I was at in my life, and he caused me pain because of him not knowing what he wanted for his life. We got to better places by breaking up, and that fucking sucks. How can something that’s good still hurt so much? I know deep down it’s better that we’re not together, but that doesn’t mean I wish it could’ve work out.

I hate how contradicting I am. Someday all this will make sense. I just sucks being in it. I don’t want to lose my friend, but I need to respect his space. I will not be toxic. I want him to grow and it doesn’t matter what I feel or what my intentions were. I hurt him. And he needs time to be with that now that we aren’t living together. I choose to respect that.

I guess the only good thing about today is that I have a job lined up for me in California.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

Well. Jackson’s moved into his new place.

It’s kind of weird. I mean you live with the same person for four years or so and it’s like this is a whole new thing to get used to.

I talked to Nikki last night, she’s still committed to moving to California with me.

It’s two weeks until my last day at Novo.

I have a phone interview tomorrow for a coffee shop in Orange County. I put in another application at another place today.

Life is happening.

I’m taking that next step.

It’s always hard when things change. But this is going to take me into another phase and I’ll just keep on growing from here.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

A letter to a boy,

I forgive you.

Although I’m not sure why. You used me, and as my friend that was wrong. Which is why we’re no longer friends. You knew my feelings and you disrespected that. You made me feel so special but didn’t mean anything by it. You broke my trust. You took advantage of me. So for all that, I forgive you.

I hope I don’t see you again. Not out of malice or spite, but out of the fact that I know I would be kind and would want to bring you back into my circle. You don’t deserve my kindness after this past year. Not after I gave you my body as a gift and you used it like it was temporary. Your care was conditional, and I’m hurt. You were such a good friend to me, and I just hope you don’t show up again.

I wanted a friendship...but not anymore. You don’t treat me like a friend. And I deserve better. Not because you are a bad person, but because you couldn’t see the depth of who I was. I kept letting you in, and you never wanted that. So you don’t have to worry about that anymore. We are not friends.

I know you’re a great guy deep down. I know you care so much for the people you keep close. I know you stand by your friends. I know you have so much compassion, that you’re brilliant and always have been. I know you’re so much more than you give yourself credit for.

I am going to miss you, so much.

I never wanted to let you go. But we’re better apart. I need people in my life who are really there; people who understand that I don’t let others in often, so when I trust you to see inside my head that means a lot. I need people who can support me, who understand me. I was wrong to think you wanted that. I was wrong about a lot with you. But it’ll be good, we don’t have to worry about that anymore. It’s a big world and we’ll each find our place in it.

I hope life treats you kindly. That you find what makes you happy and pursue it relentlessly. I hope you never sell yourself short, that you challenge yourself; that you love who you are presently and still feel confident to improve that. I hope that you work to get what you want. That you achieve your goals, that you believe in yourself. There was a reason I said I was in love with you, I hope you’re able to give that love to yourself.

I’m sorry I was stubborn before.

I hope you’re happier.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

It’s too late to journal but my mind isn’t asleep. If I turn on the light I also won’t sleep, so here I am internet. Rambling into the darkness hoping to find some reprieve.

This season of life is really fuckin weird. I feel heartless and like I care too much. I want to detach but I also don’t want to give up. I somehow feel like I’m constantly giving too much but not doing enough. I’m tired of people thinking things don’t matter because their world isn’t broad. I reconnect to myself with science and facts and figured and that doesn’t seem right.

Merh. I don’t know.

How do you even make sense of life right now?

How do you forgive yourself for wrong decisions you’ve made?

How do you let go without forgetting the lesson?

There so much learning right now and I just want to stop. I’m afraid. It’s sad seeing more and more of life. Why can’t people just be better? Why is it so hard for people to see more than their surroundings. Life keeps changing and you have to keep up.

I don’t like many people anymore.

Why am I leaving Colorado again?

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

I need to remember my mindset changes a lot about how I react. I mean, that seems obvious. But I can get in a vicious cycle of doom and gloom and I forget I do have a say in the direction of my life.

Everything I’ve experienced up to this point I’ve made it through. Every instance the world seemed like it was too much and couldn’t get to the next phase, it did. There’s always a resolution even if it’s unseeable.

Life always goes on.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

I’m so exhausted.

It’s hard to find joy.

And it’s not even necessarily because of my mental health. I’m just exhausted with society. I’m exhausted seeing police in riot gear at peaceful protests. I’m exhausted watching people die. I’m tired of trying to have civil conversations and people won’t even give what I’ve looked into the time of day even though I searched for studies and reports with backed evidence.

I’m really disappointed, I genuinely thought people were better. I thought there was more empathy. I thought conversations could be had. But I find myself compromising and feeling like I’m being walked on when I really want to have a discussion and hear people out and find commonality so we can collaborate on creative solutions.

And then you put my personal life into it and it’s just like damn. I’m watching my friends break up and get divorces. I’m watching other friends trying to date in a pandemic. I’m trying to manage the move. I’m trying to be flexible but prepared. I’m trying to figure out if I’m comfortable with taking a step towards relationships because I feel really burned out. I don’t trust people, I got really hurt by Jason and I don’t like talking about how much he hurt me and broke my trust. How used I feel. How that makes me doubt any one else’s intentions. I hate that I’m seeing my dear friend go through such a similar breakup to me and Jackson. That hard look at who we are and where we were headed and realizing it’s not good. That you can love someone and not be a good couple. That you can care about someone’s well being so much that breaking up is the best option. To have those jokes that you’re going to find someone so good for you. And then to wonder...maybe that’s how Jason felt. And then that hurts even more. I don’t want to let someone in again. I don’t want to love someone just to have to let go of them.

Everything is so exhausting and living and being an adult is so much and I know these things are what a lot of people experience but I don’t like it. I’m such an idealist that this feels like such a betrayal of my beliefs. I’m trying to be optimistic and see that these things make us better and we grow and can become our true selves. But it’s just hard. And I don’t want to admit that to anyone. So I’m here. Writing. Because writing has always been my comfort. It’s always been the space I can express my disappointment and insecurities without anyone trying to fix it. Writing is like me being the friend to myself that I need. Someone to just sit with me while I acknowledge my feelings and let me just process it. Writing makes me feel less alone without having to be vulnerable.

I want some sense of security. I want reassurance. I want someone to be the friend that I try to be. But now I don’t know if I am that person.

I hope this is just PMS. That I’m just in my head. That this will pass and I’ll be okay again. I know deep down I am okay. That this will pass, that I’ll weather this storm. I just...wish someone would sit with me in this moment. Don’t let me process these feelings alone. Don’t ask me how to fix it or remind me it’s going to be okay. Just sit with me.