hiddenthoughtsofawanderer

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in my relationship anymore. I don’t think I know what to do in any of them at this point. Friends, family, Jack. I just feel a little lost because I am trying to change things in my life ie the big one being my career. But somehow I just am at a disconnect. Especially with Jack. Sure we fuck and such. But we haven’t been communicating well, we haven’t liked danced together at all yet this year. We both keep trying to connect to each other, but we end up fighting about something and both get hurt and shut up and then try to connect again.

And we’re getting married in less than 100 days.

I have no idea what I’m doing. I know I want to make more of a difference in my community. I’m looking at different ways I can do that. I am making an effort to better myself and the world around me. And I know Jack is working on ways he can make a difference around him. Why is it so hard for us to connect? We both want connection, we’re both making a point to try to connect with each other. But here we are, living together, sitting alone.

I thought we were making a home, a life together. Why does it feel like we’re just friends? That he could be better off with someone else… that we aren’t soul mates… I mean I knew we aren’t soul mates, but what happens when you don’t feel seen by your person so you start closing off yourself to everything and everyone else? I don’t think anyone knows that I’m actually very stressed and scared and I have no idea how I’m going to be successful or get into the field I want to be in. That I’ve never felt like I’m smart enough or that I have the experience necessary to make it in this new world around me. It’s so cut throat and I just want to stay soft. I have to be strong and bad ass and competent and put together. I have to stay soft resilient through it all. Even when I have moments by myself being soft, well mainly when I’m trying to be soft around Jack it’s too soft for him at points. I somehow need to honor my softness, my gentleness, in a way that doesn’t disrespect my rebellion and fight. Somehow I have to balance my duality. I’ve always had it, both shadow and light, madness and patience, a bubbly amount of socialization yet this debilitating loneliness at the same time. I can be all that I am all at once, I won’t implode.

I’m going to get this life right. I am going to make it a beautiful life for me. I will thrive in the duality of it all. I am the daughter of chaos and fire, and I stayed soft through it all. The spirit of a fighter, heart of a survivor, forever patiently waiting for her moment to shine. And I am going to thrive.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

So I’ve been unemployed basically all month now, and I’ve had a lot of time today myself and I’m just so ready to finally get out of the house again. I’m really excited to spend time with my friends and go out and see things and share experiences together.

Honestly I feel like I’ve been doing well. I’ve been productive, staying busy, applying to other jobs. But today I’m sort of mellow. I know I’m about to start my period so I’m not like panic! She’s sad for no reason! But I am just like so melancholy today.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

I love having this digital diary to look back on and see my growth over time. I’m so grateful a place like this exists on fucking hellscape we call the internet. What a tool, in so many ways.

My therapy session today, liberating. I fucking love my therapist. I love how she words things, I love her view and clarity on things. I love her support throughout my life, I love that she wants my success as much as I want it.

Do you know how insanely clear I feel like I see things right now? How everything just falls into place in its own time. How my hope and belief has been something fueling me for years, even if religion tried multiple times to hijack me. It has nothing to do with divinity dictating our destiny, we manifest our own life into its existence. It’s a miracle I am even alive on this timeline. Do you understand how vast the universe is? Do you understand how small we truly are? Like biiiitch. Ain’t nothing taking me out at this point. I’m a fucking survivor, not only that I’m a mother fucking fighter. I am not going to let some administration take away my rights, or my fucking people’s rights. I’m not just going to lay down and let them fuck up my world. Like I might be tiny but I have a fucking say in this. This is MY home too. Fuck those selfish folks at the top hoarding their wealth and resources. This isn’t the time to be living in scarcity. There is so much out there for us. We are living in a place of abundance if we just live in harmony with her. Take care of the fucking earth you waste of legislative power. I’m surprised you haven’t imploded by the lies that spill from inside you. Vile fucking creatures. Not an ounce of empathy left. Just greed and ego. Pathetic. Seeing this week unfold, I feel like I am fucking feral. No one touches this wonderful life I’ve created for myself. No one gets to exploit my friends, no one gets to deport my friends. There will not be another civil war, because me and my people grew up in crisis. We grew up learning how to find information on the internet, on playing outdoors and water fights before climate change hit this point. God, fuck, I want a fucking future for kids to have fucking water fights again. For kids to be able to play on the pavement not to be in a climate that means outside is fire and pollution. And when I say kids I mean EVERY FUCKING CHILD OKAY? No supremacy saying there’s a child that’s worth more than another. That means water is a fundamental right you know. God fucking damn. There’s so much fucking chaos in this world but you know what me and my people do when we see this shit? We do what we can for one another. We share resources, because we are community bitch. I’m suddenly not afraid at all about the future. Bring on the fires and the flames, bring on the chaos, I was born in these fucking conditions. Fire cannot burn a dragon remember? It’s not just mythology bitch. Being built from this, turning 30 in 11 days? I am a prime millennial, no one fucking expects us. Watch us as we sweep the fucking nation with our collective awakening, our global transformation that’s not just limited to our cute little hellscape. No, no friends. This isn’t just my people, it’s our people. This is collective libration. With me and my friends and you and your friends showing up saying yeah no, this capitalism thing? I just, unsubscribe. Done. Washed my hands, I’m moving on to a new wave. Look at how they’re scrambling, you think these fascists are going to win again?? I don’t think so. Like broski it’s called history, if you look close enough you’ll see you’re just a little a copy cat, and not even a good one. You’re a sad remake. It’s so pathetic. I’m so excited for our liberation friends. I’m so fucking done with them saying I control you. They don’t. We’ve known that. Why are we getting distracted? We have had community for yeaaars. Like even just look back at the past FIVE years. Have you seen how we’ve risen up? Like shit I love people. I love seeing us stick up for each other. I love seeing people show up for marches. I love seeing people celebrate pride. I love people getting to express their religious freedoms, in whatever way they look like. Like shit bro, you’re trying to ethically cleanse a home that’s not even yours??? You think we wouldn’t see the greed? You think we forgot about everything that’s happening currently? So fucking stupid bro. We’re so much better at this point I’m feeling psychotically optimistic. Watch me thrive. I will survive.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

Well, I’m trying to get my health on track. It’s a process to say the least. I started smoking weed around 2016 when I had a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst rupture. It was better than hydros. But now it’s basically been a decade of being stoned. And I’m quitting cold turkey, which is rough. I can feel my body again and my body is in pain, slow, unsteady. It’s been 3 days off and I’m just like, how did I work before weed? I guess my disorder wasn’t as bad years ago. I just need to pull it together. I’m used to struggling with my body, I’m used to not feeling like my body is mine. And right now, it really feels like I’m trapped in it. I don’t know how I’m supposed to work. I just want to curl up into a ball and fall asleep…forever. I put in all this effort all these years for what feels like nothing.

How am I supposed to go forward? When nothing is how I had thought it should be? I’m holding so dearly onto this future I’ve created only to have my past and my body make the future seem like a place I’ll never see. I know I’ll get better, we’ll find out what’s causing things, or at least how to manage my symptoms better.

I can’t give up now.

Not when I’ve come this far…

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

Why is my brain playing back Christmas 2011? Cuddling in the movie theater, watching Sherlock Holmes. Chatting in the car afterwards.

I shouldn’t be missing him yet here I am. Dwelling on the past again, and again…

We have separate lives, we have other loves. It’s not fair for my brain to dwell on what could’ve been. I have my life here. I don’t need anyone to know I miss him…

I’ll keep it secret and safe. No need to let anyone know if nothings ever to come from it.

I can be okay. I will be okay. I can take these feelings to my grave. They’ll fade…

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

222 days to go.

Why am I fucking nervous?

He’s good to me, he’s kind and understanding. He makes me food, and helps with the laundry and cleaning the house. We love our venue, our date is the 10 year anniversary we met. We had a good time during our engagement shoot. We picked our caterer, I have my dress, the florist, my beauty team, our closest friends by our side…

So why are you so scared babygirl?

Why are you holding on so tight to what could’ve, should’ve, would’ve been? So what it’s not what you thought? He’s still showing up, he still loves you. It doesn’t have to be what you planned.

Breathe little one. It’s all going to be okay.

This happened last time at 23, we talked marriage and I panicked. But we aren’t there anymore, we’ve grown and developed into individuals…we choose to walk side by side together.

Ugh so why is there this lingering fear and doubt? I just want to stop questioning if I’m settling. Jack isn’t someone that’s like “settling” with, he’s wonderful, really. He’s just…not my first love. And I wrote so many letters to my love, starting back on November 3rd, 2011. Praying for his safety, that he makes good decisions. That he’s not too in pain or suffering the way I felt I did. That he had guidance through his decision making, that when things went wrong he’d make it through and see why things happened the way they did. The issue is as much as sweet baby Liza said “it could be anyone” she had the expectation that it was someone. Someday.

Oh god someday.

Ugh my heart song sings someday, patience, wait darling. Someday someday…

Let go my little love.

This isn’t settling. You manifested a man who loves you. It’s okay it’s not the boy you first loved. And he’s happier now anyways. You always wanted that for him didn’t you? So please. Don’t. Ruin. This. Don’t run because you’re afraid it’s the wrong decision. Choose him back. Every day.

You got this baby girl.

It’s not settling, it’s just something different than what you thought it would be.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

So this happened on Sunday. Jack and I are officially engaged and planning on getting married next year in May on the day we met. Which like feels nice knowing that he really does want us. He wants things to work and he wants me as his person. The reassurance I needed.

I hope we’re as good as everyone says we are. My scared little heart still holds onto fears that I might not be the right fit, a good partner, that love isn’t what I thought it was. That I should’ve cried when he asked, something must be wrong with me for not. But it’s not like he had a speech, he just was like will you marry me? That’s not a bad thing, I said yes, I was excited. I just thought there might be more…talking? I guess that’s what’s the vows are for, that’s not Jack anyways. He’s more full of jokes and joy. He’s not like sentimental so to speak. He is at times, but it takes a lot and it’s usually in private spaces. Not at the top of a valley before a beautiful 14er we hiked together last year. The hike that saved our relationship basically. Twenty miles in one day, physical proof I would walk anywhere with him no matter how hard it was, and believe me, 14ers are hard. I cried. I mentally had to convince myself I could do it because I didn’t have anything last year. The jobs I had weren’t fulfilling, I was off my meds, I was depressed from losing Maple, and I climbed this mountain to prove I could do it and I would go anywhere and everywhere with him. And he takes me there to propose. That’s more sentimental than I think he realized. At least to me, just because of all I’ve been working through. So it’s good. I’m enjoying this moment.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

At least since that conversation, Jack and I have felt more stable.

Especially considering that I’m filing for bankruptcy…god saying it makes it so real. It’s so scary trusting this is the right decision, I just can’t pay back the credit card debt I have. It’s suffocating. It’s more than I make in a year and it’s getting worse because I can’t afford my credit card bills. Last year dealing with unemployment and having shitty paying jobs really bit me in the ass; I just lost control and it snowballed.

At least I’m addressing it, not giving up. Living is terrifying. With 1 hospitalization from attempting, and 2 almost attempts that got stopped before I swallowed pills…it’s just like my thoughts will always first show up instead of solutions. Suicidal ideation sucks. But it’s not the truth of a solution and I know that. Honestly, me killing myself would just create more problems for everyone I love.

Like Jack, god I couldn’t do that to him. My mom, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, my job would be fucked over, my poor friends would be so confused. Like it’s just not an option anymore even if it’s my first thought, it’s not going to be picked anymore. It’s just annoying having that be the “first solution” when it’s just not one.

Ugh life is such a pain but I’m going to make it beautiful and I’m going to enjoy the most of it. I’m tired of surviving and I want to thrive. So here’s to pushing through the bullshit.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

I tried to be open with Jack about my needs, but I didn’t feel seen or heard… as per usual he sort of brushed it off, thinks he’s fine without therapy for now, other things are more important. Other things are always more important…

I want this to work. I’ve spent almost a decade with him as my friend and 6 years I believe together? We’re supposed to get married.

But I also need a partner who shows up for me emotionally even when it’s hard. Even when my feelings are big, when some people might be overwhelmed…my partner stays and sees me as something wonderful worth sharing life with. Happy, sad, content, or mad, I’m never too much to handle. And all I see is him pushing aside our grief from losing Maple, I see our break up last year, all because I was too much. My emotions are big but they’re not too much. No one gets to call me that. It’s not true.

I don’t know if Jack thinks of me as too much anymore. We are great friends but I don’t know if he truly loves me. Sometimes it feels like I’m the convenient choice given our history. I hope this is just a passing feeling not my life.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

I love that we’re adults who both went(are going) to therapy and learned how to better communicate, because if that night was swept under the rug like we used to I would’ve been so upset. Am I a little hurt by his reasoning for not picking me all those years ago, yes. But it’s okay because that’s his choice. He thinks he wouldn’t be able to show up for me in the ways I need. He already made his decision to marry her and I made a choice to stand by Jack.

This isn’t our timeline.

But shit, I think we could’ve really been something had things gone differently. It’s okay it’s not how it is. I’ll be living my life with my new love. My heart will survive like it always does.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

Good lord, I am coming to tumblr yet again because of him. How the fuck?

I guess let’s catch you up reader.

It’s May of 2022, and I get a follow request on Instagram. It’s him, I almost instantly delete it then I regret it, and message him. He apologizes. He’s trying to not be an asshole, didn’t want to leave it bad between us. We chat a little and I let him follow me and I follow him back. Over the past two years I confide in him, ask for advice, we have friendly banter, send each other’s reels. Getting a little closer to real friends, just over the internet. We have honest conversations, and little flirtations, of course it’s just jokes. Friendly banter, simple, innocent, I try to not dwell on those little flirty moments. It feels too familiar, too close to what we were heading towards in the past. But he’s reliable, the friend of all I need, just like he promised so many years ago. I can’t help it. I reread old posts, waves of nostalgia hitting whenever we talk. I push it away. Friendship. Friendship. I am in this for friendship. He’s engaged by now, there’s no way I could ruin that. Especially considering I’m back with Jack, and even though we’re technically in an open relationship, we’re talking engagement too.

But then it’s Saturday night, and I get a message. “I’m at my bachelor party.” He’s drunk, and he’s messaging me, telling me about his night, all the girls he’s danced with, and he makes a joke about me being “his last boobies”. The door opens, the flirtation begins, but it feels harder to good because he’s cute when he’s drunk. “He’s cute in general”, don’t think that, he’s engaged. Yet I continue to flirt back. I try to be casual.

In my head, I can’t think straight, I’m trying to keep my cool but dammit he’s thinking about me too. He reached out to me. I try to be playful, keep it light hearted. Don’t get attached. Flirt, make jokes, he can’t be second guessing her by thinking about me. I try to push out my feelings. It doesn’t stop me laughing and suggesting I send him my favorite picture from my boudoir shoot, he asks “I mean are we calling off our weddings and picking each other, or just appreciating each other?” Is that a serious question? He can’t actually be serious about leaving her for me. “I don’t think you’d move to Colorado for me, I’m not enough remember?” “Haha yes that’s probably correct”. Right right keep it casual, these are just jokes. I still send the photo. He compliments them. He says something about me not being approved for the swingers vacation. And I’m like probably not…

“I’m patient, a good listener too.” “I’m just in bed, no listening, I sleep now” “okay goodnight, sleep well” little more banter and jokes about not drinking water, a little more flirting, and he passes out. And now I’m here, three nights later, writing it all out at an ungodly hour. I might’ve been tired, but I was fully aware of my actions. I did try to be somewhat good but fuck what am I supposed to do when it’s him? He’s my kryptonite. He messaged me the next day like oh my gosh I was the drunkest of skunks, but never apologized for how the night went. Maybe he doesn’t remember it. Maybe we’re sweeping it under the rug for a little. He’s a month away from getting married, I couldn’t do that. I’m almost engaged anyways…

Yet here I am dwelling on it. Drunken words are sober thoughts. Hey, no, I can’t, stop thinking about it. He would say it sober if he meant it. I need to sleep, it’s been hours of me writing. But I guess at least it’s out of my system.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

So. I’m not at my house tonight so I don’t have my journal. I’ve been drinking but I’m not drunk. But I don’t like not journaling so here I am, digitally. For my own sake. I had a back up bipolar pill in my car, so that’s helpful. I knew I would need it eventually. I still need to talk to my insurance so I can see a doctor about my bipolar meds and about my birth control. I’ve basically been spotting over a week since I’ve ended my period without birth control which is “fun”🙃. I thought it might’ve been done yesterday but of course “sploosh”; I’ve bled through underwear again. I need new pairs anyways I guess. Still not fun. I blocked and deleted him on social media. It feels freeing to do so, maybe even not so much for me but for him I hope. These are my thoughts and he doesn’t get access to them. I gave him a chance and he squandered it. He won’t get that again. Not while he is who he is. The boy I was in love with doesn’t exist anymore and I’ve reconciled with it. My friends can say his name given our social circles are still connected and that has no power over me anymore. I know I have to work through the masculine versus feminine hurt within myself but that’s not something anyone can fix. That’s my work and I will move forwards with it. He can deal with his own guilt on his own; that’s not my responsibility. I have too much going on for myself to worry about that anymore. He has dug his own issues and I trust his guides to help him through it. I also trust my guides to show up to be with me while I work through my traumas and short comings to become my best self. I know I’m on the path to become someone I am proud of. I know I can live up to my own potential. I will keep working towards my goals and make my reality possible. I will keep working towards what I want my future to be and no one; I mean no one, can stop me.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

If you’re creeping through my social, maybe you’ve remembered to check here. And since I’m dealing with other things right now, you are not a priority. You get to choose the next move after reading this.

You are not allowed to stay in an inbetween zone with me. After not being my friend for the past couple months, it’s not fair for you to continue to haunt me. I saw you twice on Instagram, once on LinkedIn. Who knows what else or how often you’ve checked. If you care enough to come back, you have to know that you will need to earn back my trust. There are boundaries I am not passing in a friendship. You are never allowed access to what I’ve given previously. You forfeited that right when you betrayed my trust, when you couldn’t figure out what you wanted with me. And if you cannot be my friend, you cannot stay a ghost. I can’t be sitting here worrying about my own damn life and then see your name checking in on me from afar. You either are my friend or you’re gone. You’re getting blocked if you can’t control yourself. Those are my terms.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

I’m here. I’m really here. I have a job, I’m living, breathing, driving, thriving. Well right now. There’s some things that need my attention, and the one who needs it first is where am I living after September ends? I need to have that established. Soon. I can’t be homeless. I’m not going back to wandering, I want roots. Where is the safest place to lay my roots down?

I will take care of myself. I know I can.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

We’re in the last stretch.

I’m going home. Six years. I’m coming home.

What a fucking ride it’s been. Life has taken so many turns I wasn’t anticipating. But here we are.

I am coming home.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

Dear babygirl,

I know today you feel heavy

I know it’s hard letting go and moving forwards

I know you want to heal the hurt quickly

I know you want to defend yourself

Today you feel like you have to raise your head high

Like today you must be strong.

Dear babygirl,

Even though you believe that things will get better

That there’s good times ahead

That you are strong

You don’t have to ignore your feelings

You can know that better days are ahead

And still feel heavy

And still know your heart is aching

Two opposing feelings can exist at once

That’s okay.

Dear babygirl,

You are resilient

You are strong

And you can rest.

You can bleed

You can cry

And still be validated in your positive qualities

Duality isn’t a crime.

You are allowed to take care of yourself first

Honor your hurt.

You are alive.

[hiddenthoughtsofawanderer]

Now that we’re finally living apart, it’s like I’m experiencing heartbreak all over again. Jackson was my whole world, which was unhealthy. I can’t sit here and pretend like the bad parts of our relationship didn’t exist. But I also can’t pretend like I didn’t love him. There’s far too much evidence that proves otherwise. It is possible to be in love with someone and for it to be unhealthy and that’s what hurts the most. I just wish I could turn back time. I wish I met Jack at a time that I wasn’t still having feelings for Jason. I don’t think I mean that, I just wish I hadn’t hurt him. I know I caused so much pain because of where I was at in my life, and he caused me pain because of him not knowing what he wanted for his life. We got to better places by breaking up, and that fucking sucks. How can something that’s good still hurt so much? I know deep down it’s better that we’re not together, but that doesn’t mean I wish it could’ve work out.

I hate how contradicting I am. Someday all this will make sense. I just sucks being in it. I don’t want to lose my friend, but I need to respect his space. I will not be toxic. I want him to grow and it doesn’t matter what I feel or what my intentions were. I hurt him. And he needs time to be with that now that we aren’t living together. I choose to respect that.

I guess the only good thing about today is that I have a job lined up for me in California.