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We looked inside some of the posts by heyyouneededthis-blog and here's what we found interesting.
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0
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0
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Time Between Posts
6 months
Number of Posts By Type
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17
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
The Tumblr app for Google Glass was released on May 16, 2013.
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My best friend is going through pregnancy complications and I feel so helpless. I feel so guilty for not being around. I feel like I should've been around more and not far away living a life that requires me to have to start over all the time and make new friends when I have amazing friends at home who I would do anything for. It's hard to not feel angry. It's hard to not feel shame and sadness. All I want is for my friends to be happy and healthy.
I lost a friend last month and I have all the same regrets. Going to his funeral was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Going to his funeral and seeing him in his casket is an image that I can never forget. Life is so short and unexpected. Life is so hard to navigate. Grief and anxiousness keeps me up at night.
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We went from finding out I'm pregnant to being so happy that I made a registry on Amazon and planning how to properly announce our pregnancy to going through out first appointments to then... Falling to my knees and screaming in pain, unable to move, and constantly bleeding. ER, home, ER, home. Doctors saying they don't know why I'm bleeding, the baby's heartbeat is there, the baby is there, the odds are 50/50 that I'll carry to full term and then it was over. It was gone. The pain stopped. The doctors said it was gone. I've never in my life felt heartbreak like that. Never have I felt so empty.
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On Friday, I cried with an SEL because she's going through IVF treatments, and I talked to her about my miscarriage in September. How I don't think I'll be able to try again for a baby within a year... or two... or three. But my family, my dad, my mom, they want grandchildren and that's such a heavy burden to be the only daughter and the only child that would be able to provide that because my brother's aren't the relationship/father type.
I'm starting to think I'm not meant to be a mom. My body can't even carry children.
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On top of this being just one of my secret blogs, I really can't help but re-read the entries from 2009 and 2010 and just... feeling numb to whatever my young self was crying about. To include the family drama, the silly boys who names I've forgotten. Over 15 years later and I'm exactly where I've prayed to be. Happy and away from all of it.
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Oh.. How did I know that future me would eventually need to go back to tumblr? How did past me know not to delete this account like I've done so many times before and just knew that future me would forget about this existence and think to hit "forgot password" and get back into this account just to see that I titled it, "Hey you needed this" because wow I do. I actually went to blogspot and looked at my old blogs yesterday and tried to see if I could get into that account. Ugh, I definitely forgot what email that one is attached to. Says the girl who has like 10 different emails for 10 different live essentials.
By girl, I mean 30 year old woman who grew up in the age of tumblarity and now I'm secretly here for brain dump and word vomit purposes. Trying to think about what and how I can live through trauma and stress while keeping it lowkey but still slightly hoping someone else who needs to find something to resonate with also sees it and actually resonates or maybe someone in the future will know who I am and be like, oh her blogs. She would actually like this at her funeral because she said so here. And my words wont be locked away in encrypted files or somewhere stored in paper records that make things so hard to records keep. Plus like... save the fucking trees.
I noticed that I just needed somewhere to brain dump. I need to write. I need to type because like I said, save the fucking trees and notebooks get expensive, and storage gets expensive and my pens get more boujie and expensive because I like nice pens damn it. All this to say, thank goooooodness for blogs and this type of culture and community because wowowow. I needed this.
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To the man who has had intercourse with women incapable of holding conversations highlighting common interests to obtain the attention that you’re willing to give if the words would just come out right,
I hope you know what you’re doing is vast dimensions away from your desired reality. You’re wasting time on women you know can only offer temporary stimulation to your dick instead of searching for someone who can struck a nerve in your brain that can stain your memories for endless mind stimulation- but you have ambition for everything else so you’ve convinced yourself that it’s okay. But it’s not.
It’s not okay that you’ve entered women who aren’t worth your time because now they have this false standard of men that they think they can have which later causes insecurities. These women are stuck in a vicious cycle of heart to brick wall communications. These women are lost in a roundabout with exits that move with them so they have no real options for new paths. There are women that you have done this to without thinking. I know you probably thought that she was just being easy and you needed something quick but just because you can go fast, doesn’t mean the road likes being used and left uncared for.
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I didn’t understand how anyone would ever want to lie to me the way you did but I guess I understand what it’s like to want to be perfect but to be conflicted because this isn’t something that is ideal. This isn’t the type of relationship that anyone actually thinks about having. However, I’ve been lied to all my fucking life. I’ve been hurt all my fucking life. By people that you, yourself said that you would never fucking be and now look where we are. Look at who you’ve hurt. Love isn’t supposed to hurt. And I don’t know how but I’m trying my best to forgive you because I’m too happy with the person that I am with you. I’m trying to find out if my happiness outweighs this pain because if it hurts more than it pleases me- I’d be a fool to stay.
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Only when I need it. Only when I need it. Only when I need it.
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“You take forever to talk and say what you have to say and I think I know why. I think it’s because in your past, whenever you said something it turned into an argument and you expect an argument if you say what you’re thinking.”
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"Soufend taught us all how to be real even though I'm sure outsiders perceived us to be ghetto, we all knew what adversity was"
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One day I’ll feel like I’ve honestly hit the lowest part of my life.
The next day I’ll feel optimistic and tell myself that this is temporary and there’s hope.
It happens to often, the push and pull. It’s exhausting trying to identify the extent of my situation or how I even feel about it.
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Only when I need it. Only when I need it. Only when I need it. Only when I need it. Only when I need it. Only when I need it. Only when I need it. Only when I need it.
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“I don’t enjoy talking to these women. It’s sad how easy it is to make them fall in love. There are actually women who tell me that I’m amazing and that they love me but I don’t feel right because the only reason why they’re falling for me is because of everything you taught me. You taught me how to make someone love me. You taught me what to say, how to say it, what’s too much, what makes a girl feel special. I’ll be talking to them and I’ll think, ‘what would I say to Vanessa’ and it works every time. They all remind me of you too. I talk to women who are kind of like you. Artsy and shit but they’re all a little different.”
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If I did everything expected of me in a day 0430 Wake up 0500 take the dogs out 0520 go to work 1600-1730 work out 1800-1930 make dinner happen 2030 eat 2130 clean a bit in the kitchen 2200 take a shower 2230 have sex 2330 sleep Now with 2.5 hours a day dedicated to school/PDS 0430 Wake up 0500 take the dogs out 0520 go to work 15/1600-1730 work out 1800-1930 make dinner happen 2030-2300 eat and study 2330 clean a bit in the kitchen 2345 take a shower 0000 have sex 0100 sleep I can't imagine my schedule with a baby... I just can't. I think I would kill myself if I didn't have any help. I wouldn't be able to take it. I'd fail as a mother. Now with 2.5 hours a day dedicated to school/PDS & honor guard 0430 Wake up 0500 take the dogs out 0520 go to work 1600-1800 honor guard 1800-1930 work out 2000-2230 make dinner happen 2300-0100 eat and study 0130 clean a bit in the kitchen 0145 take a shower 0210 have sex 0300 sleep Now his schedule if going off of mine 0630 wake up 0650 take the dogs out 0700 go to work 15/1600-1730 work out 1800 take the dogs out 1830-1930 Wait for dinner/plays video games 2030 eat 2130 take the dogs out 2200 take a shower 2230 have sex 2330 sleep Now his schedule if going off of mine with/& 2.5 hours of school/PDS 0630 wake up 0650 take the dogs out 0700 go to work 15/1600-1730 work out 1800 take the dogs out 1830-1930 Study 2030 eat & study a little bit more 2130 take the dogs out 2200 take a shower 2230 have sex 2330 sleep
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Bedroom
The first thing he said to me in the morning was "Don't forget to clean the grease from yesterday." Referring to the kitchen because I had baked chicken. And left the pan out. I'm ashamed to just go and do it as a robotic wife without waiting for something else to come out of his mouth. Why is it that I am the only one who shows affection in the morning, regardless of my mood. I roll over. Give or ask for a kiss. And I say the words I love you.
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