heyshellnut

[heyshellnut]

2022.11.04

Took driving course last Nov. 3, 2022

It was my second day and I feel like a failure...

It's a difficult pill to swallow(failing) because going back when I was in school, I seldom fail on my exams...grades were all good.

We are all beginners when starting something new. I'm allowing myself to become a beginner and instead of having my anxiety go against me, I will enjoy the journey as much as I can and be kind to myself.

It's battle between my anxious thoughts and trusting and believing in myself....

BUT even with anxious heart, I will emerge VICTORIOUS and will learn the skills I need to be able to drive properly, safely and hopefully next time be able to travel back and forth from Manila to Candelaria and vice versa.

I am claiming it!

[heyshellnut]

Bagong yugto

Hindi na lamang mga damdamin ang ilalahad dito,

Pati ang mga naisin na gusto kong makamit at matupad sa buhay na ito...

Let this be the start of the magic of manifestation and whatever it is to unfold in my life and yours as well(to you the one who happens to stumbled upon this page and is currently reading this)

[heyshellnut]

Puhon, sa tamang panahon

Lilingon at muling magbabalik tanaw sa dating ikaw

Habang may mga ngiting namumutawi sa iyong labi

Na nagsasabing, "sabi naman sayo, mararating mo at kakayanin mo."

Just like the seasons, there's a time for everything. A season for love, loss, being stuck, changes, healings, triumphs, failures, miracles, and more.

I choose to believe that, and I hope you do.

To whatever season you are in right now, it's just temporary. Your time will come and one day you'll make it through.

[heyshellnut]

I have been wanting to write a piece to praise God but I was always having a hard time.

And then suddenly while I was attending an online mass, a sense of rush all of a sudden hit me and the song of Ms. Moira entitled Paubaya doon ko pinasok ung tula kasi it was the tune that kept playing on my mind and dun tumutugma ung mga salita.

Hehe ayun lang. Di ako singer kaya di ko naman makanta haha kaya hanggang sulat nalang po :)

#blessedSunday #paalam #patawad #salamat #paubaya #Panginoon

[heyshellnut]

[heyshellnut]

I'm out of the trance. And I'm happy for myself .

I wouldn't greet you as how I usually do and I don't think I would greet you personally. I'm staying away from the shit, drama and possible relapse. And to be honest, for once there's no anticipation nor urge to compose a lengthy message.

As I have mentioned I won't ever forget your birthday. But I guess that's it. So yeah. Happy Birthday.

2021.02.08

[heyshellnut]

To live anew or just a shitty thing that happened?

2021.02.06

So phone has been acting up which made me decide to reset it. I backed up the data so I thought everything will run smoothly.

Lo and behold, I was wrong! All the notes that I have. The midnight thoughts, written poems, random notes, different homilies and realizations and learnings

It was all there but now they are all gone.

I trusted the app and had been using it for the longest time but it failed me today.

Is this a sign from the universe that I should move on or is this is just a shitty thing that happened to me that there are no signs and reason behind it?

But whatever it is, I've learned something.

-Even the most trusted companion you have can turn against you. You have to be prepared for that.

-Experience the pain and the anguish but never let those negative emotions control you, ruin you and hurt others in the process.

-I was mad even furious at first and I kept on cursing. I almost let that ruined my day. But I am shocked that I was calm, not shiwing irritation to the people around me( cause believe it or not I usually act as a quiet, cold, spoiled brat bitch around people when things like this happen)

[heyshellnut]

2020.07.12

These past few days have been tough. Consumed with doubts, insecurities, feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness... I was surrounded and consumed by total darkness.

Unable to smile and enjoy little things. Too moody, too irritable, too emotional to talk to others.

My soul is tired. Tired of all the things in life. Tired of not knowing where to go, finding what's my purpose, why am I still here, what's more to offer, why do I feel alone. Just PLAIN TIRED of EVERYTHING.

Or maybe because of the recent change in weather, maybe because of these ughh acne breakouts... but whatever it is, I have to fight it off, collect myself, and lift my head up and try again.

These past few days have been tough but today is much better. Little light peeking through the darkness...

Able to feel the genuine smile painting on my face once again, able to dance and move...

There's still sadness but today at least I found HOPE.

[heyshellnut]

2020.06.16

Speaks so much of how I feel and felt.

Eventually got tired of the cycle and the endless games. I'm sick of it.

And maybe the last straw was when I finally realized that I need to love myself more and that I shouldn't have allowed you to have the power and control over my self-worth which made me questioned myself, hate myself all over again after all those years of forgiving and letting go of the pain...

I've been a fool a couple of times but I won't allow that to happen anymore...

Happy 25th Birthday to me! (Shoulder tap)

It's been a tough 2nd quarter of the year and who knows what mayhem awaits in the future (I hope nothing worse happens to mankind) but I wish to remind you Kim, the time has come. You've done your part and that's enough already.

Know that you'll find what you're looking for one day, the true happiness and love that they keep saying that you deserve.

You'll go back here one day and give updates on that wonderful love you have.

But for now, LET GO. Let your heart be filled with the love of those who truly love and cares for you (family, friends, etc.)

[heyshellnut]

So I saw this post of PETA sa Fb regarding Spoken Word Poetry Online Competition with a theme "3G Connect! PinangGalingan, Galing at PagGaling" and I decided to join (even though I'm not confident and good enough push pa rin para sa pagpapahayag!)

Cringe si ate girl sa pag vovoice record cause I never done it before and I always read my poems inside my head only. 😂😂

Palarin mang makapasok or not, still it will be something I'm happy about. Being able to share my thoughts and my love for writing (kahit sometimes baka I'm not making any sense na pala😂)

It's about us the kabataan fighting a silent, invisible war within our heads and a constant battle as well with those people who cannot understand what we are going through. Hoping that maybe, they'll take the chance to listen and hear us out kahit mga "bata" lang tayo at understand at hindi isinawawalang bahala ang mga nararamdaman natin.

BILANGGO SA SARILING ISIPAN

Nais kong kumawala, pumiglas,pumiglas sa rehas, sa hawla ng sariling kaisipan..

Na kung saan kapag ako'y nanatili, sariling kapahamakan ang mararanasan.

Nais kong lumaya, lumaya at lumayo sa kaisipan na patuloy na lumalason sa pagkatao na unti unting pumapatay sa nalalabing liwanag na taglay ko.

Nais kong hanapin, hanapin, hanapin ang mga sagot sa mga tanong nang nakaraan, kasalukayan at hinaharap, nakaraan at kasalukuyan na patuloy na bumabagabag at sa hinaharap na tila hindi ko naaaninag.

Ilan ito sa mga bagay na bumabagabag sa aming mga kabataan,

Mga bagay na kapag aming inihayag marami ang hindi makakaunawa at puro pangungutya ang aming madadatnan,

Sasabihin ng ibang nakatatanda kami ay nag-iinarte lamang o nagtatamad-tamaran,

Mabilis lamang para sa kanila na kami ay husgahan,

Sapagkat hindi nila nararanasan ang bigat, dilim at digmaan sa aming isip, sa mundong aming kinalalagyan at patuloy na kinakalaban.

Nakakatakot, Nakapangangamba, nakababalisa,

harapin ang madilim na bukas na walang katiyakan.

Ngunit mapalad sapagkat kapwa kabataan ay nabuhuhayan,

Liwanag mula sa madilim na mundo'y muling naaaninagan,

Unti-unting nahahanap ang kanilang boses upang ipahayag ang nararamdaman,

Mga kabataang akala'y nag-iisa ngayo'y may karamay ka na para sa kinabukasan.

Ang mga kabataan ay hindi mangmang at nagbubulag bulagan,

Hindi rin nag-iinarte lang at nagtatamad-tamaran,

Higit pa riyan ang kaya nilang patunayan,

Kung mabibigyan lamang ng pagkakataon na sila'y pakinggan ng walang halong panghuhusga at walang kinikilingan.

Bata man o matanda ito lang ang isang ninanais ko,

Ano man ang iyong edad maging bukas ang puso't isipan mo,

Lawakan ang pag-iisip at pakinggan ang mga hinain, ideya ng bawat tao,

Huwag gawing basehan ang numero para manghusga kung sino ang mas marunong o mas nakakaunawa sa inyo.

Sapagkat sa panahon ng krisis, bayanihan ang kinakailangan ng tao,

IKAW, AKO, TAYO

kailangan natin ang isa't isa upang mairaos ang delubyong kinakaharap ng pisikal na mundo at mundo ng isipan mo.

[heyshellnut]

With a heavy yet hopeful heart, I'll find my peace and happiness even without you.

[heyshellnut]

Unplanned visit to the University of the Philippines Manila Museum of a History of Ideas (P. Faura).

My initial plan today was to go to Robinson's Place Ermita only but due to having to wait for the mall to open ( apparently 11 am) and a long queue going inside the mall, I decided to visit the museum( I have been curious about it every time I passed by P. Faura).

And then, the rest is history.

If you're into medicine related artifacts and literature and also history of UP Medicine related field, or you just love to visit museums, you may visit this place @Padre Faura, near UP Manila or Robinson's Place Ermita.

Entrance Fee Php 75.00

[heyshellnut]

“I hope you find peace in your life and the warmth you’ve been longing for. I hope that someday you will realize that life will remain an emotional roller coaster ride but you have the choice to live your own light. That it is okay to begin again. It is okay to use the pause button, breathe, and fulfill something better and more relevant in the future. As long as it makes you feel better without feeling guilty about it and as long as your heart is at peace, don’t loose your hope just yet. You’ll get there one day.”

— 𝓭.𝓻.𝓷 

[heyshellnut]

Samgyupsalamat and Starbucks Taft March 16, 2019

Though incomplete, happy and grateful to have spent a day with my college buddies. Cheeks hurting so much due to laughing so much( haven't had this much laughter for a long time)

(Would have been much awesome if we were complete though but still, fingers crossed🤞 hoping that day will come)

Spending the day with them made me wonder...

5 years from now, will our friendship endure the test of time, lasting until the future? Will we drift apart and just remain a part of one's past, a history?

Truth to be told, I'm afraid, scared, anxious of the inevitable changes that life brings.

Because despite years of knowing and getting used to of being alone, I'm afraid to continue living this life alone, left behind by the people whom I have grown to love and adore

I don't know how the future will unfold. But now I have come to realized that I would just have to spend and cherish the days of being with the people I love.

[heyshellnut]

Phantom of the Opera March 7, 2019

In life, we have to realize that despite how much we love a person, we can never hold on to them for so long and forced them to return the love we have for them.

**In an alternate universe,

Theatre. Given the talent and chance, it would be a life that I would have pursued.

[heyshellnut]

"Pagod na ako kaya itigil na natin ang pag-uusap na ito,

Wala rin namang patutunguhan sapagkat paikot-ikot lang tayo."

-nais kong sambitin sa batang kausap ko kanina😂 (may hangganan din pala ang pasensya ko lalo na gustong gusto ko ng umuwi)

[heyshellnut]

Fixin some old stuff. Found this piece. HAHA 2017 kim why so drama? 😅