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I cried unto God vexed in spirit by troubling words of denial of Your sacrifice. Those that I love, O LORD. Shall You keep what my heart desires apart from Thee? My chest feels as if it’s going to cave with no breath left to save. Only tears from the rivers of my love for those I keep close in prayer. I find peace despite my sorrows of weeping. I want to be drenched in all of You, so I can understand how to truly love others. To be the light and life of the world, the honor to walk in Your footsteps. May You turn my prayers into evidence so I may testify of Thy great works. I weeped and wailed for You the moment I heard of his denial of Your sacrifice. It broke my spirit immensely, but may Thy will be done. May we all turn towards You and rest in Your loving embrace of grace. Love is the greatest commandment of all in Your law. May I be able to feel such. May I be able to share such. May I be able to glorify such. There may be pain this night, but there will be joy in the morning when I wake to see my God. I’ve been blessed by achieving things I never thought I could, and learning from failed attempts. I hope Your Spirit pours upon us never ending. I plead for hope for those that need You the most. Knowing so, or not. But I will not leave here without leaving a mark of Your presence. I struggle with the spirits trying to consume my love, because there’s no way I can possibly lose another to my adversary. I plead for forgiveness so I may be blessed with more of You.

-Alexis S. G. (-L.)

[heyitslexx]

I’m conflicted between my needs, standards, and wants. I can’t seem to have what I truly need in order to feel safe. I open up to none for the reason of doubt. I’ll face the world with you but I can’t make any promises I can’t guarantee. If it’s not a vow under God, why would I take anything seriously? I will not play a role without the props needed to fulfill the role. I will not be something more when I’m given the minimum. If I know where I stand, why would I try to overreach to persuade and convince anyone to stay by my side for life in such a way.? Why would I entertain a fantasy when so many live fictionally? Why would I commit if there is no firm commitment on all ends? I want to stand as an equal not as a woman wishing to be everything a woman embodies and becomes. I want to be the one not another one. I want to feel valued in a way that truly blesses my life. I want to understand and cherish my vows under God. So if there’s no alignment of values and goals, why even try it? I can’t force to be valued and cherished in a way like no other. I can’t force love but I can sacrifice what I love for something more humbling. I can sacrifice anything but I won’t sacrifice my needs and goals and skip steps just to feel whole. It’s just an illusion if I try. I’d never be happy if I did. So where does the foundation crack? When will I fall back and realize everything I want and cherish will never be set in stone? Two halves make a whole, simply put. I can’t pour from a cup of emptiness. So if unconditional love isn’t for me, I suppose it wasn’t ever meant to be.

-It Is What It Seems-

-Alexis S. Gibson

[heyitslexx]

[heyitslexx]

This sudden urgency of mystery peels each layer of calmness there is leaving a mess. Hardly able to catch a breath running from the thoughts that find their way through the wall of stone. Pouring over into the nights of rest tossing from all that is swept under the rug and dissociated from. Can’t find what once was the identity of the person standing in the mirror while being consumed with every thought, every word, every feeling, every memory and still hoping it all will get better. That maybe someday you’ll be better. The days are short and tolerable, but nights like these are a form of homicide occurring. There’s only so much a soul can bear from others, but mostly from one’s own self.

-Alexis S.G (-L.)

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Suzanne Scanlon, from "Committed: On Meaning and Madwomen," published in 2024

[heyitslexx]

“I love you, that means I’m not just here for the pretty parts. I’m here no matter what.”

— Claudia Gray

[heyitslexx]

It took time. It took effort. It took patience. It took forgiveness. It took acknowledgment to understand my tears. They’re never wasted on a terrible thing. I recognized who I once was in the reflection and went to war through my thinking and tears streaming down the skin I wear. Bones cradle my spirit safely until I break out of my cocoon. It’s time that I need to understand myself better. Learning to let go and let it be. I begged myself to forgive what once was that I still carried like old luggage I refuse to give up. It’s meaningless to me now so why carry what once was? What do I gain from holding myself back? I create a new maze the more I complicate this. I just wonder if I’ve finally made my peace… But wearing this old coat always got me through the storms.

-Alexis S. G (-L.)

[heyitslexx]

“The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.”

— Caroline Myss

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“Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night. That is how galaxies are made.”

— Tyler Kent White

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“It’s easier to be alone than it is to constantly be misunderstood”

— Unknown

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“It eventually gets better, without any sort of explanation; you just wake up one morning and you’re not as upset anymore.”

— Unknown

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“Not everyone deserves to know the real you. Let them criticize who they think you are.”

— Unknown