heyitslexx

[heyitslexx]

[heyitslexx]

Sacred Paradox

How strange to be both anchor and adrift, To drown while others use me as their raft. The contradiction of this daily walk: A faithless faithful, hopeless hoping still. Each sunrise mocks what darkness promised me—That rest would come, that struggle would relent. Instead, I rise and shoulder what remains of yesterday’s unfinished weight of care. “Not enough” — a mantra carved so deep That praise slides off like water from stone walls. The mirror shows a stranger’s tired eyes, A person I both know and cannot reach. This skin I wear has grown too tight with years, Stretched thin across the bones of who I was. My thoughts like smoke trapped under glass—seen, But never touching those who watch them curl. I’ve built and watched destruction follow close, As if creation draws its opposite. What God allows to fall might break my heart, If I had not grown used to losing now. They need me here—this truth both chain and key, Both burden and the purpose that I seek. So I remain when leaving calls my name, A living sacrifice that never dies. And yet, through cracks in my resolve, I feel a presence older than my suffering. My faith, a seed that grows in rocky soil, Defies the logic of its barren home. We are not promised painless paths, I know, Nor understanding of divine design. But in this tension—staying when I’d flee, Believing when my doubts shout down my prayers—I find the sacred paradox of faith: That God is nearest when He seems most far, That strength is perfected in weakness known, That being broken makes me somehow whole. So though today feels heavy as the last, And though tomorrow threatens more the same, I stand in this impossible between—Not enough, yet somehow, still enough.

-Alexis S. G. (-L.)

[heyitslexx]

I’m paralyzed under sunsets with you, and just like the stars, I fade from your mind until the moon invites me again. The distance keeps moving me backwards. If I could feel less outside and feel comfortable inside, I would. I question everything everyday. Where do I stand anymore? Where does my existence benefit in this life? How can I stop feeling so empty and useless when I’m closer to the edge? It has been love to talk me down. It has been love to carry me through. Even when I’ve cried out with doubt. My nightmares have proceeded with their twisted plots. Life has become strange to me recently. The current emotional turmoil felt brings out the worst in me. I no longer live. I only exist.

-Alexis S. G (-L.)

[heyitslexx]

I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’m tormented by my mind. There are many ghosts, but I consider myself less. You carry yourself well. Standing beside you does not justify the borrowing of time. Time being a theory, and reality the illusion. Kind of like the “I love you” moments. What am I supposed to do when I’m just the ghost?

-Alexis S.G (-L.)

[heyitslexx]

Words are a funny way of expressing truth. Twisted and beyond comprehension. A funny way to express oneself. Let me enlighten you. To be trapped but free at the same time. Quite the contradiction.Being mentally trapped in a loop of one’s emotions and thoughts of being while physically free as one should be. A deep grave of thoughts to bury daily. Words have meant little for a while now. And who am I to you really? I’ve given and many have taken. Trying to be myself, in addition to giving myself, in return loosing myself. If I had to feel a color, it would be grey with a heart of dismay in a world of disarray, and somehow have chosen to stay. To breathe and be but it’s complicated having a love/hate relationship with oneself and life. A war of the mind to betray your soul when getting rid of your heart just to love. When you’re all gone, what is left to give? So high I was to have fallen so far. Feeling disconnected and disposable. It’s strange to feel alone in a crowded room. It’s strange to feel your soul chained to your bones. Obligated to live to fill the voids of others.

What is life? Love.

What is love? Sacrifice.

Well I suppose I must sacrifice myself just to love you.

-Alexis S. G (-L.)

[heyitslexx]

"The passion of Christ strengthens him to overcome the sins of others by forgiving them."

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

[heyitslexx]

"please forgive yourself for who you were before you knew better ... you did your best and everything is going to be okay."

d.b.a

[heyitslexx]

[heyitslexx]

If I had the choice to leave this earth to reconnect with myself, I would. What’s deep within the core anymore? What lies in spirit? There’s too much noise to determine what is there anymore. Prone to self isolation to converse with my past self. To understand everything beyond my being begins with self reflection and holding myself accountable. Will there be forgiveness? Maybe. I hope. I’m living for the hope of tomorrow these days. What is life without loving yourself as you do others in your last moments? Without the hope of forgiveness where is love? Where is trust binding souls? When did I begin to suppress myself? Many unknowns, but where there’s uncertainty there is hope.

-Alexis S.G (-L.)

[heyitslexx]

[heyitslexx]

I cried unto God vexed in spirit by troubling words of denial of Your sacrifice. Those that I love, O LORD. Shall You keep what my heart desires apart from Thee? My chest feels as if it’s going to cave with no breath left to save. Only tears from the rivers of my love for those I keep close in prayer. I find peace despite my sorrows of weeping. I want to be drenched in all of You, so I can understand how to truly love others. To be the light and life of the world, the honor to walk in Your footsteps. May You turn my prayers into evidence so I may testify of Thy great works. I weeped and wailed for You the moment I heard of his denial of Your sacrifice. It broke my spirit immensely, but may Thy will be done. May we all turn towards You and rest in Your loving embrace of grace. Love is the greatest commandment of all in Your law. May I be able to feel such. May I be able to share such. May I be able to glorify such. There may be pain this night, but there will be joy in the morning when I wake to see my God. I’ve been blessed by achieving things I never thought I could, and learning from failed attempts. I hope Your Spirit pours upon us never ending. I plead for hope for those that need You the most. Knowing so, or not. But I will not leave here without leaving a mark of Your presence. I struggle with the spirits trying to consume my love, because there’s no way I can possibly lose another to my adversary. I plead for forgiveness so I may be blessed with more of You.

-Alexis S. G. (-L.)

[heyitslexx]

I’m conflicted between my needs, standards, and wants. I can’t seem to have what I truly need in order to feel safe. I open up to none for the reason of doubt. I’ll face the world with you but I can’t make any promises I can’t guarantee. If it’s not a vow under God, why would I take anything seriously? I will not play a role without the props needed to fulfill the role. I will not be something more when I’m given the minimum. If I know where I stand, why would I try to overreach to persuade and convince anyone to stay by my side for life in such a way.? Why would I entertain a fantasy when so many live fictionally? Why would I commit if there is no firm commitment on all ends? I want to stand as an equal not as a woman wishing to be everything a woman embodies and becomes. I want to be the one not another one. I want to feel valued in a way that truly blesses my life. I want to understand and cherish my vows under God. So if there’s no alignment of values and goals, why even try it? I can’t force to be valued and cherished in a way like no other. I can’t force love but I can sacrifice what I love for something more humbling. I can sacrifice anything but I won’t sacrifice my needs and goals and skip steps just to feel whole. It’s just an illusion if I try. I’d never be happy if I did. So where does the foundation crack? When will I fall back and realize everything I want and cherish will never be set in stone? Two halves make a whole, simply put. I can’t pour from a cup of emptiness. So if unconditional love isn’t for me, I suppose it wasn’t ever meant to be.

-It Is What It Seems-

-Alexis S. Gibson

[heyitslexx]

[heyitslexx]

This sudden urgency of mystery peels each layer of calmness there is leaving a mess. Hardly able to catch a breath running from the thoughts that find their way through the wall of stone. Pouring over into the nights of rest tossing from all that is swept under the rug and dissociated from. Can’t find what once was the identity of the person standing in the mirror while being consumed with every thought, every word, every feeling, every memory and still hoping it all will get better. That maybe someday you’ll be better. The days are short and tolerable, but nights like these are a form of homicide occurring. There’s only so much a soul can bear from others, but mostly from one’s own self.

-Alexis S.G (-L.)

[heyitslexx]

[heyitslexx]

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