heruntamedthoughts

[heruntamedthoughts]

Good Morning

Woke up feeling a bit sluggish today. Sometimes I feel like I wanna fast forward time just to skip feeling negative feelings throughout but ofc it’s not possible. I feel like I have a bad coping mechanism with negative stuff. Ever since I was a kid, my family’s the kind where they don’t really address a certain problems and just leave it until it fades or till everyone moves on. Looking back at it now makes me feel like I have a lot of unresolved issues that’s why I long for approval, validation, and love from others. It’s not a good trait I know. 

So where am I going with this exactly? I honestly just want to heal from things I don’t normally talk about. I don’t wanna be a walking trauma attractor or a walking traumatized person lol. I wanna feel free. I wanna be positive. I wanna be that kind of person when people look at it, it radiates light and happiness. There are humans like that and sometimes I envy them for being so good at coping up with life. I hope someday I get to look at this blog and just laugh at everything I wrote haha! If you ask me how am I now? I guess I’m thriving.. I’m so-so, not okay not not okay lol.. but yeah I still blame myself why certain people in my life walked away from me. I would too tbh. I guess everything takes time. Healing takes time.

[heruntamedthoughts]

Hello May 2023

Hello 2nd day of May 2023!

Thank God yesterday went fine. I was in charge of checking the e-cart and other monthly staff so it was hectic to begin with. How am I doing now? I’m okay, I do still miss my ex sometimes... 

This experience made me rely to Allah more. It’s one of those breakthrough moments in life where I had to lose someone to have a clearer sight on what I want on my life. Do I regret begging for another shot with my ex? Yes. Sometimes I wonder how we’d be if I didn’t beg or fought with him about getting stalked from his side, only to discover it was from my side this time. I feel embarrassed and ashamed for what happened tbh. 

This is prolly one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had, except when I lost my grandmom. I’m still trying to take it day by day and just live each day with the intention to be better spiritually, mentally and physically. I hope this May becomes a better month. Hopefully, I will be fully okay and get ready to bounce back in life. 

A song I keep listening to at the moment is Glamorous by Macklemore, it’s a bop and it talks about how we’re all gonna be alright in the end, new beginnings, and second chances in life. It’s inspirational. Let’s go May! 

[heruntamedthoughts]

Lovesucks sometimes

I shouldn't have went online from March 04 onwards, I messed everything up with my ex. Begged for a second chance and ended up getting blocked everywhere all over the world wide web. I swear it hurts like a bee sting. I couldn't breathe, I didn't sleep for days, I even lost weight like 5 kilos in a span of 5 days. That's how worst I was. It was like mourning for someone who died. It was just annoying and I felt too heavy inside I had to drag myself to work every day.

It's so strange what hormones can do, you know. I was on my periods last Apr 4 and damn.. I was clingy, I lost control of my emotions, and everything was whack. Looking back at it now, I'm not really proud of myself. Honestly, I could reach out if I wanted to. I could buy a new sim and shit but I don't think it was worth reaching out and tbh, I gotta preserve my dignity too. At some point, I did wanna take revenge like I dunno maybe do something weird online but I didn't have the energy to do it cause I was too sad man. I hated it. It was worst of the worst and it happened this Ramadan. Ugh. So now, here I am... slowly picking myself up... slowly patching everything up... Everything will be okay... I will be okay... I was okay before without him so I'm sure I'll manage to live.

The past few days has taught me how to rely on Allah more. To trust His plans for me. I know what happened between my ex and I was fated to happen cause we weren't meant for each other and the sooner I accepted that, the sooner I'll be able to move on. So yeah, I'm still whole. My cats are still cute. I still have a job. My parents are still alive. My family is healthy. At the end of the day, there are lotsa things in my life I gotta pay attention and give love to.

[heruntamedthoughts]

thriving with an aching heart

It’s tough to move on from your first real love, I do think things it’s my fault... If I haven’t been so crazy... I was pushed and forced to overthink and doubt his every word... I was too coward to fight for what we had I gave in and I regret it... I wish we ended it on a good note but it didn’t and it sucks it really does cause it’s affected me so much.. He still has THAT effect on me and I hate it

[heruntamedthoughts]

Depressed

How do you know if you’re depressed, blue or just plain sad? Lately i’ve been just feeling meh and it kinda feels relieving to let my thoughts go through this random blog. Life is a bit too much lately and I feel shitty all the time, my self esteem is super low and I don’t feel condifent at all. Just trying to get by. Yikes

[heruntamedthoughts]

after midnight

I’ve been MIA for the past few days cause I’ve been juggling work, studying, and life itself. I’m so pissed I havent had a proper day off since last month. We usually get 2 days off after 2 nights and I’ve only been getting one ever since 2023 started. It’s energy consuming and killing me mentally as well. Like you reach only a certain point to convince yourself that you are doing fine but once you’ve hit the limit it gets so fucking real and you realize how shitty of a life you have. I’m starting to get negative thoughts and what not. ugh...

It’s 1:43 am, I woke up an hour ago and I slept at like 5 pm as early as that now I’m up, just had food, about to get a shower to feel fresh before studying... will probably finish by 7 am and get a quick nap before I prepare for my afternoon shift. I just hope this all pays off you know. I hope.

[heruntamedthoughts]

Woke up weighing 100 kgs

Yooooo I am at my worst right now and I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of feeling terrible and sluggish and feeling like a slob every day. Even my friends tell me that I look stressed af and it makes me feel shitty, i don’t wanna look like that anymore I wanna heal I wanna be okay I wanna change I wanna radiate positivity to others, I am done sitting on the sidelines waiting for my turn, waiting for my moment to bloom.

[heruntamedthoughts]

notfeelingnormal

hey, hey... it’s been days since my last post and I just had my period a day go.. Ughhhh im feeling o sluggish and sleepy and hungry and like hating myself atm... so what I did? I cooked myself a very carb-loaded breakfast and the moment after my last spoonful of food, i immediately regret what I just ate ... I just wanted to start over and live a healthy life but why is it so tough to stop doing bad habits lol. like everytime i see my face in the mirror I see someone older and unhappy and like clueless in life ... i dunno.. i guess it’s my hormones doing the talking right now... i hate periods 

[heruntamedthoughts]

010623

Good morning everyone, 

I just finished an episode of Money Heist Korean version and now I’m getting back to my lecture and studying for the nclex exam. I just realized it’s been 4 days since I last had an entry. This is one of the things I’d like to stay consistent more of this year, aside from working out and eating healthy food. lol. At the moment, I’m feeling cold even if I already have a sweater on. lol. It’s never been this cold in Qatar I guess. Anyway, I’m gonna head on to my review now. Wish me luck. 

e

[heruntamedthoughts]

010223

Hiyya! Time check?? 0744AM Just got home from work. I am actually feeling really bloated atm, I dunno... guess my period’s on the way huh... I just changed to sweatshirts and joggers caused I promised my fam we’re gonna go for a walk today. It’s sorta just a jumpstart to lose weight lol. 

Kinda feeling hungry, sleepy, and tired all at the same time so I’m not too ecstatic to go out lol. guess i;ll check in later after see ya

cheeia

[heruntamedthoughts]

7 years later

Here I am, 7 years later. I just turned 30. Yikes!! I’m fully employed atm and still looking for things to hustle for money. Yeap, some things haven’t changed... I’m still blaming this country for changing me for the worse. It feels like I never found happiness and I’m still searching for it as we speak. Why is it so hard to be happy? It’s not just about happiness, it’s more of having that sense of self accomplishment from day to day basis? But then again, I guess this is what adulting feels like. lol. 

It’s 3:45 am and I just had leftover pasta and watching The Kardashians. I have to get to work at 6 am so I’ll get coffee and shower in a bit. I have a morning shift and I’m honestly lazy to go but I just had 3 days off so I have to suck it up lol I guess that’s it for now. 

[heruntamedthoughts]

A post I made the day after I arrived in Manila.

Magandang Umaga! I am finally back in Manila unfortunately I won't be staying for too long. How does it feel to be back home? It feels pretty fuzzy actually, everything feels like a dream. I haven't had proper sleep yet. Time check: 6:06 AM After a little rolling and napping in my room, it kinda feels nice to be back. The tricycle noise, the pollution, the people, and the weather is what I miss most. Doha changed me in a different way. The homesickness was too much to bear so it made me hotheaded, moody, and a pessimist. I think I lost myself in the process I changed a lot and it was because of having no work for a long time. I was unemployed for a pretty long time. Anyway, I am back and I am going to make the most of my time here. I hope I get to see my friends and hang soon! 

[heruntamedthoughts]

Twisted, dark, and freaky. A tale that is haunted with suspense and thrill. One of the best reads I've encountered this year. Gillian Flynn truly never fails to disappoint her readers. I have been a fan of her since Gone Girl and I wasn't well aware of her other books until I decided to randomly roam around a bookstore while waiting for my brother. If you're into thrill/suspense/murder kind of genre then you're up for a treat. Dark Places won't fail your taste buds.