hermelancholicthoughts

[hermelancholicthoughts]

Yesterday I received the best birthday gift ever. A meaningful song written by the one I love. Sung with a guitar by him. Two big bars of chocolates and a bracelet. That was so sweet... I am still on cloud 9 *U*

[hermelancholicthoughts]

And suddenly he became my everything...

[hermelancholicthoughts]

3months...

It has been 3 months since I entered that school. I didn't expect that the outcome of it would be like this. It has been a roller coaster ride. An like being in a roller coaster, you might regret riding in it or you've enjoyed the ride so much that you wanted more. In my case, I've enjoyed it so much that I wanted more.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

I don't know what's with his smile but every time it reaches his eyes it can turn the atmosphere into good vibes. I can see that he is a good guy. Suits for a guy best friend.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

I love you Pauline by Mark Pauline ♡ Mark Kadalasan talaga na ginagawa ko ng pampalipas oras habang nasa byahe yung pagbabasa ng mga nakasulat saa likod ng upuan ng mga bus at yan nga ang nabasa ko kanina. Syempre yung pangalan ko yung nakakuha ng atensyon ko at ang pangalan niya naman ang ikinagulat ko. The weird thing is that wala na yung dati kong nararamdaman na sakit at matinding galit. Napapangiti ngiti pa nga ako dahil na alala ko yung past, the good times. And kung paano ako sinusubok ng tadhana. May mga pagkakataon pa rin naman talaga na naiisip ko siya. May mga pagkakataon pa rin na umaasa ako. May mga pagkakataon pa rin na nakakaramdam ako ng matinding galit. At may mga pagkakataon pa rin na nagiging bitter ako. Yun nga lang habang tumatagal yung mga pagkakataon na yun dumadalang at saglit na lang. Totoo, you cannot skip a single process in moving on. Kailangan mong pagdaanan lahat hanggang sa dulo. It is also true that time is a big healer but you only get to be healed when you decided to be cured. And I decided to be cured. There is no point in loving someone that cannot love you back and someone that used you to confirm his sexuality. Siguro kaya ko nakita yun is to confirm that I am totally getting over him.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

It seems like that my sister set some really high bars. They always ask me what's my connection to her. If I am really related to her. That's what I did to her during our high school days. Setting in the pressure. And now the world turned up side down. Now I am the one in her position. And it just makes me thrilled. I wanna get through that bars. Set it higher.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

1st Month

Walang 31 but still, it has been a month and I can't get enough of him. I'm so loved and this feels like I never loved before . No more doubts and regrets. I will be the one for him.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

I won`t.

No matter how hard you try to be honest with me, there are still things that you will hide. Perhaps with the hope that you won`t hurt me if you`ll hide those things. But you see? How am I suppose to prove myself if you won`t help me to do so? I also know that no matter how hard I try, proving to you that I won`t leave would take this lifetime of mine. That would be long and I can`t do that alone. I need you.

I need you to believe in me cause if you never will, who will be there to do so? Am I going to pursue a thing that will mean to no one but me? Please. I know very well how hard it is to forget. It is even impossible because deep down your heart, your soul and in your mind, the memory remains. They are even on your skin. With your lips that have kissed every lips of those you loved before me. With your hands that held their hands. Your waist that had been wrapped by their arms. Your hair that was played by them. And in every little detail of you that they have explored. There they are.

You will remember them. They will haunt you even. You will remember their hands even it is mine you are holding. Their lips even if its me you are kissing. Their hugs even its my arms that are wrapped around your waist. You will even remember them when we are making love.

But I cannot change a little thing about that and am hating myself because I can`t do anything to help you when you are sad because you suddenly remembered them. The least I could do is hold your hand or hug you or kiss you. I will give my all.

So what if I get hurt? So what if I cry? So what if I die proving to you that I will never leave? So long that you are with me. I don`t care. I need you to be there. Just, just be there.

Hold my hand when you feel like I`m already breaking down. Hug me to remind  me that you are with me. Kiss me to assure me that everything will be alright. And I promise you. Just do not stop loving me. No matter how hard it would be. Yes. `Till the day I die. I won`t leave.

I won`t.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

Unfollowing is a must especially when it already hurts so bad seeing him/her does the things to someone, things that he/she never did to you. But it is your choice to hurt yourself even more by visiting his/her blog knowing that it'll hurt.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

"Marami kang tinatago ah." - Classmate

Oo, marami talaga akong tinatago at pinipili ko kung ano lang ang ipapakita ko. Not in a way na plastic ako at hindi ko ipinapakita yung totoong ako, hindi lang talaga ako open na tao. I like keeping things to myself. If you want to know something, just ask. I will tell you what you want to know. I'm not a good liar, so I'd probably tell you the truth but not in a detailed manner or I will not answer you directly or I will just keep my mouth shut. It will seem like I am a mysterious girl but I am not. I'm just good at sorting out the different parts of my life. There is a room for every single thing that makes me as a whole, as me. I carefully choose the persons who can have a key for some rooms that I want them to explore. And very few will have the key to every room. I only have one rule: Break my trust once and you will never ever have a key to any room again.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

Now I can say that a book chooses a right time to be read. Matagal ng sinugest sakin ang book na The Alchemist ni Paulo Coelho. Nakapagdownload naman ako ng copy nun, medyo nahirapan nga lang ako. Di ko pa kaagad nabasa yun dahil nasa John Green books pa ako nun. Nung babasahin ko na, saka naman nabura lahat ng files sa tablet. Di na rin ako makahanap ng ebook nun. Nung nakapagdownload naman na ako, hindi naman buo ang nakuha ko, summary lang. Nung nakapagdownload ako ng buo, nasira naman yung pc at wala akong back up o copy. Hanggang sa dumating yung araw na naalala ko yung librong yun at naging kami na nung taong nagsuggest nun. Nakapagdownload ako ng buo, nabasa ko na and it was perfect. Marami akong natutunan sa buhay at nabasa ko ang librong humubog sa taong minamahal ko. Isa na siya sa mga paborito kong libro ngayon. Ito din ata ang unang beses na nagbasa ako ng Christian book. Parang hindi tuloy tama na isang young adult book ang sinunod kong binasa. Ang book 3 sa The Unspoken Series ni Georgia Cates na Beauty From Love. Matagal tagal ko ding hinintay to. Naswertehan lang na may free ebook akong nakuha. Namiss ko si Mr. & Mrs. McLachlan lalo na si Margaret McLachlan. The best talaga siya. Cool mum. At natapos ko na rin yung Deception Point. Wala talagang tatalo kay Dan Brown. Isang book na lang niya. Digital Fortress na lang after nitong Beauty From Love tapos balik na kay David Levithan.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

Reading a book that a person valued the most is like reading a piece of his/her life or seeing a thing that molded him/her to what he/she is as a person right now. It is also a good way of looking at the world through his/her perspective.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

1st week

Ok naman ang lahat. Nag aadjust pa ang katawan ko sa bagong buhay. 2 years din akong tumigil sa pag-aaral kaya medyo na ngangapa pa ako ng onti. Tatlo pa lang ang subjects ko sa 1st transition at puro memorization pa lang naman kaya medyo madali lang. Ayos din naman yung mga instructors. Yung mga classmates ko ok lang din. Yung mga taong prospect ko na nung orientation pa lang, nakuha ko naman. I intended to get close to them. Mas prefer ko yung makakatulong sakin sa pag-aaral. And mas ok kung guys. Mas nadadalian akong makisama sa mga lalake kesa sa mga babae. At sa muka nung mga babae dun malabo na may makasundo ako na matino. Nung Friday may nag add sakin sa FB at nagmessage. Di na kasi ako nag aaccept pag di ko talaga kakilala. Didn't expect it kasi wala pa naman akong pinabibigyan ng FB ko and we don't talk din naman sa school. Isa siya sa mga prospect ko. Ateng cute ang tawag niya sakin. I'm looking forward for the incoming week. Naging leader din pala ako ng group namin sa WOS dahil matalino daw ako. The room fell silent after kong masagot yung tanong sa recitation. Can't stay as low profile kaya bahala na. Basta I won't let them depend on me.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

When you already gave up in life, just let God do the job.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

Money can solve all the problems. It can really buy happiness. A financial problem free life is a happy life.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

Life never runs out of problems. The world is a jungle. You need to fight in order to survive. And when you give up. You will be just like a dead fish floating into the sea of the dead.

[hermelancholicthoughts]

This has been our life since we got here. Almost every year we transfer into a different place. I really do hope that this will be the last. This separation anxiety and being home sick never left me. It seems like when we get used to a place, God will make a twist and put us into another place. Another adjustments. A different place every year. A different life every year. And I'm tired of it. I want to find the place for us. A permanent one.