here-take-my-soul

[here-take-my-soul]

Wow has it been a while. Life has passed me by these last few years, so much has changed yet here I sit staring at this screen once more feeling the need to pour out my soul to a crowd less room. I don't think I will ever recover from this nightmare. I'm not actually sure recovery is an option for me. I wish that tomorrow I could wake up not giving a monkeys uncle what anyone thought of me, having the energy and strength to be the wife and mother that they deserve. Finding a spark in my soul to set the worlds of those around me on fire. Alas my soul is flameless and my worlds crashing around me. Oh ana how sweet be thy name when nothing else makes sense. Oh mia come to me, whisper your poison in my ear and let it drip down my throat. Come to me my angels of darkness and take me on another journey for it has been far too long without you beside me.

I can't escape, the best I can do is not project onto you. You sweet innocent lamb. The only thing in this life worth giving a damn about is you. My beautiful daughter. I must have done something right to have been blessed with you, why then can't I be everything you need? Why do I sit up at night wondering how I can do all these things and more. Never content with 100% I will strive to be perfect until I run myself into an iceberg to rival that of the titanic crash.

Silence is deafening when you're alone but what's worse? The murmur of someone speaking and it washing through your ear drums like the underwater babblings of youth. I can't listen. I haven't the mental capacity to process the words much less conjure up any sort of meaningful response. You must understand my love I am broken, damaged goods. I can never be what you expect of me. It is a miracle I even am.

I love you both very dearly.

A poem from a remorseful wife and mother.

[here-take-my-soul]

“I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.”

— Unknown (via quotemadness)

[here-take-my-soul]

I can't fucking think and i can barely breathe. I've just had a bombshell dropped on me, i have pcos this coupled with my insatiable broodiness is killing me. I want a baby. When i see those little feet or get a waft of that baby smell i die a little inside. None of this is helped by the fact we now have a dinky little fella in the family. My heart feels like it is in a vice and every which way i turn makes the handle tighten further and i fear it may eventually turn to dust. I was doing so much better. I was happy. Not so happy now with inches gouged out of my arms and legs because thats the only release i have. I long to have a baby. I long to recover from my eating disorder. I long to rid my body from this living death of anxiety and depression. Most of all i want to be free. I just want to be able to wake up and not have the worries of thw world on my shoulders. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I hate myself so much i cant even die because that would be too kind a fate. I must suffer in silence waiting for my demise. I want to die. I want to live. I need some help. Please. Help.

[here-take-my-soul]

“Hard to sit here and be close to you, and not kiss you.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald (via quotemadness)

[here-take-my-soul]

I wish falling out of love was as easy as falling into it. It's hard when you know a relationship has to end because it just isn't right, not in the sense that it's not working, just that society says it isn't right. It hurts because you have to force yourself not to love them, and you can't. When it's the best relationship ever, and you get on like a house on fire, everything works. Everything except the 35 year age gap. Yeah. That. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am like a whirlwind, I don't like to sit still and I enjoy the drama of life. So in hindsight I always end up teaching people something, how to love, how to let go. It's weird because all I have ever lost out on is love, whereas everyone else has lost, or could loose something much more.

[here-take-my-soul]

How can life go full circle so much. How am I sat here drunk questioning what I'm doing with myself all over again. Why the fuck do men have to mean so much. Why does mental health have to bite you in the ass. Why am I going to the Parish council dinner. Why am I pursuing some French man I barely know when my perfect fella is sat right there. Right in front of me. Why is life like this. I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I could move on. Pick up the peices and carry myself alone. Why do I love so deeply yet so freely. What is my constant need for a man? I'm going to smile when I meet someone handsome and patient and new and one day I'll be where i need to be. Is this it? Possibly not. I have so much going for me though. I don't think i truly appreciate how many people I have in my corner. God everyone that cares about me. I love what I have. But at the same time it would be lovely to age 10 years and be able to be the me I need to be. It's not about legality. It's ageism! It truly is a problem. I just wish I knew what I wanted so I had what I needed right now. Man. I love everyone who had chosen to be there for me. One day I won't have these people. And fuck me if I'm going to miss out on their company, their friendship, their love. Platonic relationships have saved my life so is that what I should seek more of?

[here-take-my-soul]

Oh god when you fall in love. Good Fucking Luck

[here-take-my-soul]

Apparently I'm easy to cheat on. I'm not saying he did it, but that's what he said. I'm an easy person to cheat on. 'I got big headed, it would have been easy, I thought I could have anyone' he made me break up with him because he was too chicken. I can't even write this. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

[here-take-my-soul]

I have never been more swept off my feet than by the man who reenacted the balcony scene from romeo and juliet with me outside my bedroom window at 11.30 ‘out jules chuck me a fag’ the one who visited me at 12.00 to smoke one cigarette with me and then go, the guy who has never bought me anything but he found me a ring behind a waterfall on the river wye, the man who I can have endless fun with like swapping underwear to go to a friend’s for wine evening, the person whom I have never once had sex with yet we are so intimate, the one who has never lied to me about his feelings and who has never tried to pretend he understands me but he always listens, he let’s me know when I’m too full on and acknowledges the parts of me he likes and those he doesn’t, he tells me how it is and he has yet to get angry with me, this is the most unlikely relationship I have ever been in but in some ways it is absolutely the best. He is by no stretch of the imagination perfect but he is real, I know where I stand and he is like an open book. I have never experienced anything so pure in all my life and I’m not ready to loose it yet, it’s just too good for all that nonsense 💛

[here-take-my-soul]

My life is a whole lot different to yours, I’ve seen things most people would never dream of, I’ve seen the inside of court rooms like you’d never believe, I’ve been in high speed car chases, had private investigators follow me because I was at risk of dying, I’ve had a panic button installed into my house, I’ve watched both my parents die. I’ve disowned people, I had 8 siblings, I now have 1 who I truly call family because they have all done fucked up things. I had a neice who I had to watch get dragged into care because my sister beat up her dissabled child because she didn’t want her any more. I had a dad who played with me in all the wrong ways, I had a mum who worked her fingers to the bone yet still our cupboards were bare, I’ve seen things no child should ever see yet I’m still standing. I’ve been bullied by people who are supposed to love me, to the point where I thought throwing up my meals was better than enduring the constant hatred for my weight. I’ve been beaten, bruised, been promised things that were never given. I’ve hidden in a pantry because the person who was meant to love me most chased me around the house with a camel whip. I’ve been locked in a cupboard for hours. I’ve been on adventures, I’ve lied, I’ve committed crimes, I’ve had casual sex, I’ve had meaningful relationships. I’ve loved and I’ve lost and I’ve cried and I’ve smiled. No one will ever understand what I’ve been through. I’ve kept secrets that weren’t mine to keep and that have the power to tear whole families apart, I’ve thrown a punch or two. I’ve begged, stolen and borrowed. I’ve put my blood, sweat and tears into things that gave me nothing. I’ve sat in a room being asked questions that would change my life forever with officials sat behind a mirror that doubles as a window so they could see everything I was saying. I’ve lied, lies that changed people’s whole lives. I’ve felt responsible for someone’s death. I’ve nearly died. I nearly died because I wanted to. I’ve been saved and felt indebted to someone. I have secrets. So many secrets. I’ve watched walls being stripped away to leave a person so bare, so alone that they could not carry on. I’ve had to show strength when there was none, I’ve had to comfort when I wanted to break down. I’ve forgiven, time and time again because life is too short. I lost everything and picked myself up again. I’ve stayed awake for nights on end drinking myself to peace because being awake is safer than sleeping with my nightmares. I have hated, for many things, but hate is a dangerous emotion so I forget. I drink to forget. I fuck to forget. I feel the need to feel something even if that is pain. I have scars on my arms and my legs that I hate to explain but I am not stupid, I am not young. I have seen things. Terrible things and wonderful things. My wish is to help people but how can you help someone when everyone you care about pushes you away. I have had to fight for every little thing I have in this world. I’m done with being treated like a child. Take me or leave me. Love me or hate me. You’ve no idea how hard some days are, to simply wake up and move, but I do it. Because I have to. We all have to, and I’d rather wake up happy with one person and the rest of the worlds hatred, than wake up alone with the regret that I didn’t fight for what I wanted. I’ve had so much taken from me by the world so I will never give up on what I believe in, on what I love or on what I desire. Life is hard and life is shit and none of us know what we are doing or where we are going but here we are. And fuck me if I’m not going to make my life as happy and fur filling as I can. Life is too short. Take risks. Overcome challenges. Be happy. Love.

[here-take-my-soul]

There comes a time when tears no longer have meaning, a time where staring into space makes you a madman and a time where holding on means letting go. People are horribly beautiful creatures, each and every human on the planet has at least one opportunity to change a life, seriously, but we are animals and as such very selfish creatures. I'm not talking big scale help, I'm talking a conversation with the guy who wants to kill himself, I'm talking giving your last slice of pizza to the homeless man, saying thank you, smiling, giving someone a hug. It doesn't have to be much. It's just got to be there.

[here-take-my-soul]

12am thoughts

I seem to be in a place, yet again, where I tried so frightfully hard to escape from. A place where even Shakespeare can't save me from. I'm lost in my own mind stepping on glass trying not to set off the unexploded mine that resides in myself. My anger, yes I'm controlling it better, my depression, yes sometimes it feels like it's fading but fuck me. People are bloody fickle creatures, how can one be so unexplainably stupid and expect others to stay around and watch the downfall. I fear my pent up feelings come from a place of self-deprecation as I let something, someone, go. Someone I thought I'd never have to live without. And it's strange how one adapts to change, yet the thought still pushes the back of my mind and haunts me. I made a mistake, he made many mistakes, but in the end it is our own mistakes that cost us happiness so how can we blame others?

[here-take-my-soul]

Life

I haven't written in a while but I have been on a venture in order to get some closure. As cliché as the saying is I suppose my journey is all about self discovery; When you're young you want the whole world to make sense, yet as we grow into the world of adulthood we begin to realise this can't be so, but the thing is so many people are unhappy, so many, and yes I was, and am, one of those people but I think one of the greatest things we can learn in life is you can not depend on something or someone to give you your happiness. Life just doesn't work like that because while you're waiting for them to make you happy you are becoming miserable in yourself. The thing is a person can't be your happiness, they can enhance it and encourage positive (and negative) growth but a human can not embody your positive emotions. An object can not be the root of your happiness, sure a flashy new car may make you happier but by God it can't be the one thing that makes you happy. I think the thing I have realised is that the only way to be happy is simply to be happy. If you're sad try smiling, just laugh, it is so easy and so simple that we seem to forget that we can change our moods within a blink of an eye. I was naive, until a few months ago I thought I'd never make friends and be happy in the situation I'm in now, but boy was i wrong, I now have one of the tightest circle of friends I have ever had and I still see old friends. My life is pretty great in comparison to where I was 2 years ago. I'm eating healthy, working out, I'm not a clingy peice of shit and I am busting my ass off to achieve what I need to in life. I still have no idea where my path will take me, but I do know who I want there standing beside me to revel in the light that will one day shine off me and no matter what I do as long as it truly makes me happy then I'm going to be fine. To be honest I never thought I'd ever be happy, but I realise now that I can't blame my shitty past for my attitude, anyone can be happy, and I mean anyone, all it takes is a shift in perception. If you see the world as shit then of course it always will be, but if you give it chance you'll see the true beauty of it. To be honest I think you have to want to be happy before you can be, and no one else can do that for you. Life is a struggle, for some more than others, but help where you can and laugh as often as possible, the world will sooner be a better place.

[here-take-my-soul]

It is curious how silence is the most deafening sound of all. How sat there in that darkened room, all alone, she could hear the voices of 100 others tearing her mind apart.

They say being in love is the cruellest of tortures and they would be correct, were it not for the fact that you get so much joy out of it also. She needed him in her life, so why was she about to let him go? For his own good? To make her feel like she was doing the right thing? No. She is just self destructive, and that's why she longs for his presence. To keep her grounded, to stop her drowning. To show her the love she longed for her entire life.

[here-take-my-soul]

A poem I wrote for my bestfriend when he was feeling low

You've come so far, To give up now You have to carry on To make us all proud I know you sometimes doubt it Us and music and life But you know more than most The reward is worth the strife Pick up the peices of yourself You're my fallen angel Sent to me by a higher power And yes I know it's sometimes painful You can be the worker I can be your soldier I promise it will be worth it When we're a little older I can't imagine my life without you It wouldn't be worth living You're everything I need So just keep on striving You saved me from myself Gave me back my existence How am I meant to repay that? I could keep my distance But that's not what you want or need So keep me by your side One day we will look back on this From the place where we reside You'll remember how mad we were For each other And music and dominoes My gorgeous, darling lover Your end goal is close at hand Just a bit more work Sometimes we feel like giving up But that would be berserk So go confidentiality in the direction of your dreams Live the life that you desire Just don't forget to take me with you For you light my hearts warm fire

[here-take-my-soul]

Is it naive to wish that society saw the world the way I do? How come it feels like I’m the only one who can see all the beauty I do and all everyone else sees is hatred? I don’t get it and I wouldn’t care if it didn’t affect me. But for some shitty reason it has to so pull yourselves together people and start seeing the poetry in the simple things that happen in your life. Stop assuming the worst and for fuck sake grow up.

[here-take-my-soul]

In the end there doesn’t have to be anyone who understands you. There just has to be someone who wants to.

Robert Brault (via wordsnquotes)