here-now

[here-now]

Instagram credit: greykins

[here-now]

Unplug.

[here-now]

June 8, 2023 - dump

I have had a lot on my mind for the past few days - work has been busy, training has been shorter, and sleep has been inconsistent. I wanted to write before starting to work, to empty my mind, put it into words, and maybe realize things along the way. I've been smoking for the past few weeks, I missed the feeling. I've stopped smoking for a while, and I'm glad I did because I needed the break.

This week has been busy at work, and I'm happy I'm handling the busy days better. I pushed through and took a break when needed. I like how I've been approaching the training too, and not overcooking myself. I have more clarity and try to see things from a different perspective.

I allowed myself to feel too, I miss the feeling of having someone, someone you can vibe with, where conversations flow easily. That's what it was with Alex, it was a few days but I knew that was something I wanted until it was not. It's not the person but the kind of connection to have with someone. I tell myself to continue working on what I want in life and I'll have what I need. I want to focus on the present - the now of this life, this messy but beautiful life. I want to embrace all the sensations of happiness, pain, the fear of the unknown, and all the life has to offer, and learn to take it one step at a time.

I want to travel, meet people and live this life as I should. And so it will be! :)

[here-now]

June 6, 2023 - menace

I met this guy at the camp. There was something about him that made me curious. He was quiet, calm, straightforward, sexy as fuck. There were times when I would just watch him, carefully though, played it cool.

I followed and checked his IG. He has a girlfriend, that I was sure of. So I knew I can’t like him like that.

We didn’t really talk much, but I had to have something from him so he wrote a note on the process journal. I liked him even more. I followed his spotify because his playlists are something I would listen to. I’m glad I did.

We all got to talk on our last night, after the dinner. Our tables were separated and we didn’t really care, I knew I would enjoy sitting there with 2 of my friends than with a crowd. We were joking around, laughing our asses off. Ed first sat down with us, then Lu, then Alex. I had to talk to him, asked him some things, and I liked him even more. He was so transparent and authentic. He was firm, direct and calm. The night had to end, I wished it didn’t end so soon. They had to fly back the next morning.

I couldn’t keep my mind off the camp. His playlists have been playing ever since the camp ended. We were spending our last day, still hungover over the camp when I opened my phone and there was a notification, Alex Younger is requesting to follow you. Fuck, I was so happy.

It was time to go back home and I can’t shake him off my thoughts, so I messaged him, to genuinely show appreciation abt the camp, and just to say hi really. And now here we are, a week later, and things have escalated quickly. You’re this guy who knows how to talk, the conversations flow easy with you, who’s interesting and shit, sexy as fuck. And here I am confused, whether or not to return that same energy because….am I sure of what I’m getting myself into? I was confused if he was just being nice and just keeping the conversation flowing. I thought the selfies were harmless but he warned me though, selfies are dangerous lol I kind of blown him off, not because I wasn’t interested in all the flirtatious, but because I want to take it easy, slow. And I’m just not sure if I’m ready, because once I cross that line, I can never see him as just Alex.

So here I am, overthinking at almost 3am because, fuck, I can’t believe how fast that fucking escalated. And overthinking how you’ll take my platonic and unsure response. But I knew I did the right thing. It is what it is 🤷🏽‍♀️

[here-now]

June 4, 2023

This year has been a roller coaster ride already. A lot of challenges and some relapses, but we kept moving forward. I recently attended an athlete's camp that made an impact on my perspective, ways of approaching a situation, and setting of intentions. Life is never linear - the universe will keep sending us the same lessons until we learn. Handling relapses are choices between 'I'm not going to do this because it doesn't serve a purpose in my life anymore' and 'It is okay to do this because this is something familiar'. So I will keep on ending up with the same outcome if I continue choosing something familiar.

[here-now]

Just be thankful. Choose gratitude. Stick with it.

[here-now]

to all the mofos i have loved before.

“I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me. Always.”

— Spike Jonze

[here-now]

This too shall pass.

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I’ve recently been heavy on setting healthy boundaries, I don’t want to engage with someone who puts me down just to feel better about themselves or to prove a point.

[here-now]

The Daily Stoic

"The real secret is trying to avoid the scenarios or environment where you are vulnerable to not being who you wanna be."

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Triggers

I haven't had many of these triggers lately - maybe something subtle where I can brush it off. I booked a ticket to Davao and will stay there for a month - I've always wanted to live in a different city. I realized why I subconsciously want to. I want to have a fresh start, a clean slate, and to live somewhere that doesn't have a reminder of what I'm trying to overcome. I love Iloilo - but this city had a lot of heartbreaks. I have a feeling that there’s a big possibility of moving there for a long time if I like the place.

[here-now]

“I like people who have a sense of individuality. I love expression and anything awkward and imperfect, because that’s natural and that’s real.”

— Marc Jacobs

[here-now]

April 16, 2023

Hatred

My mom asked me today - "do you still have hatred in your heart?"

I smiled and thought about it. It made me think of the past versions of myself, and maybe they are still a part of me now - the relapse, the self-sabotage, that self who can't get too close without being assured of the safety first, the inability to connect...

The heavy days aren't so heavy now, I learned how to regulate my emotions. I learned how to forgive, be more transparent about how I actually feel, navigate through why I think the way I think, how to accept that sometimes, it is what it is. I stopped taking things personally. Life is politics - is what I learned. You will find very rare people who actually care. That's sad - yes, but that's just the way it is, some people will see you as a friend when they see fit - when it's convenient. And that's okay.

Hatred. I guess I learned how to let go of the hatred because I learned that the world doesn't owe us anything - we're not entitled to peaceful days, to a drama-free environment, to a fucking perfect little world. We have to deal with the cards we're dealt with, that's life.

Hatred? I don't have hatred in my heart anymore, only it is what it is.

[here-now]

Though that’s the thing, I’m okay with or without anyone else. 🤷🏽‍♀️ it’s not that I’ve given up on love, I just know how to love myself more.

[here-now]

That’s what I don’t want to misinterpret, am/was I bored or am/was I being honest?

[here-now]

If it’s not all in, then I don’t want it.

[here-now]

He felt like a cheap shot of dopamine.