helpmegetbetterplease

[helpmegetbetterplease]

[helpmegetbetterplease]

Sunday, 12th of February

Can't believe we are in 2017. I made it. There were times where I didn't think it would be possible. I don't really know what I'm doing here. I've tried so hard to stay positive this year but it feels like I'm relapsing. I had my last counselling session, and I acted as if I was doing brilliantly (which I have been on some occasions) but things are starting to niggle at me again. It's as if I can feel a dark cloud is starting to come over me. I don't know how to stop it, I'm trying so hard though, I promise. Today has been a bad day. But that is all that it is, a bad day.

Somebody told me they loved me last night, the first time that has happened in a long time. I would have been so happy except he followed by saying he never wants to be in a relationship with me. I'm so confused, so hurt and so sad. I don't think I want a relationship in general either but I would with him so it's kind of painful that he doesn't with me. What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me? I can't stop crying. It feels soooo good to cry. I haven't done that since it happened. I'm crying over someone who doesn't want to be with me. What did I do? I really just want to be happy. It's taken everything for me to get to this place, I just want some kind of reward. Selfish I know but I need something to keep me going. I'm struggling so much tonight and it's scared me because I thought this was over. I really fucking hoped I was getting better. I just want some kind of normality in my life. Some simplicity. I just want someone to want to be with me and me to want to be with them. That's never ever happened for me and it has to be my fault. I don't know whether to end it or not. My head is spinning. I don't want anybody else. The thought of it makes me sick. I just want to be happy and grateful. Both of them are in my power and yet I can't even get that right.

[helpmegetbetterplease]

Friday, 5th of August

It's been so long since I last wrote. So much has happened since then. Uni is becoming too hard. I can't cope. My marks have been getting lower and my workload has been getting bigger. I'm out of my depth and I don't want to go back in September.

Then there was the very small matter of being raped in May. My life has been turned upside down, set on fire and then stomped on. It was without a doubt the worst experience of my life and it is never going to leave me. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with it, it wasn't even as if I was coping before it. I can't sleep, the nightmares are too bad. The flashbacks make me want to curl up in a ball and die. It was my fault. I let him into the bedroom. I told him no so many times but what can I expect when I let a person I had just met into the bedroom that I was going to sleep in that night. Why? Why didn't I say no? Why did I believe him when he said he didn't want anything from me? Why did I believe any of it? Why didn't I scream when it started? Why did I do other things to stop him from having sex with me? Did that lead him on? Why didn't I scream when he put it in me? Why didn't I push him off with more force? Why did it take me until he raped me anally to finally get help? Why am I such a failure? My friend rang the police not me. He was only being a good friend. The people at the sarc house were so lovely. But it didn't help. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want the injections, or the morning after pill or the swabs that they had to take. The memories of that day are the worst I have. Having to undress and put every individual item of clothing into separate bags. Having to stand there naked and exposed until they found me some clothes to put on. I've never felt so dirty in my life. All I wanted to do was shower. What do I have to do to get rid of this feeling that's been with me ever since. I can't get over this, I'm not strong enough. I don't want to go back there, I don't ever want to go out again. My uni friends are going to hate me but I can't do it. Not now. I'm currently on holiday and I can't settle, it never ends. As soon as I get back I can't wait to go and get my antidepressants and sleeping pills. I've never ever wanted them, always refused them, but now I'm desperate. I'm desperate for this feeling to go away. I don't ever cry about it, which is strange because I'm such an emotional person. I can't physically cry. What has he done to me? He didn't just rape me, he has robbed me of me life. And yet, I feel no anger towards him, only to myself. This is my fault. Everything is my fault. It's so frustrating because just over a month ago I met somebody. The timing couldn't have been worse. He just got out of a three year relationship and I had never been more happy to be single. But I've fallen for him, it took me time and at first I couldn't stand to be touched but now it's different. For me anyway. Not for him. He doesn't like me the way I like him. Why would he? I'm disgusting. Tainted. Fucking gross. I can't deal with this hot or cold business that I get from him. It's making me feel worse about everything. It has ruined my holiday which is unfair. I need to end it. But I don't want to. I don't know what I want anymore. In fact, that's a lie. I just want to know what it feels like to be completely and utterly happy, even if it is just for a moment. That is all I want.

[helpmegetbetterplease]

Sunday, 11th of October.

I have had a really bad weekend of eating and doing no exercise what so ever. I feel lazy and disgusting. I think I have an underactive thyroid, I hope I do. It would explain why no matter how hard I try I can never lose weight. It would explain my depression. It would help a lot. But what if it isn't that? Then I'm just a fat bitch who is down for no reason. I need to go for a run in about 6 and a half hours and I can't sleep. Brilliant. Did I mention I hate myself?

[helpmegetbetterplease]

Friday, 2nd of October.

Honestly, there is a voice at the back of my head telling me to kill myself. I don't want to, but it's still fucking annoying.

[helpmegetbetterplease]

Wednesday, 12th of August.

Today has been hard. I weighed again which didn't help but ate a piece of cake to make myself feel better. Well done Laura. I've been sad and also pissed off. Pissed off that I'm putting so much effort into my birthday and people can't even be bothered to tell me if they are coming or not ffs. I wish I hadn't had bothered. The only good thing that has come out of today is that I have been speaking to a really sweet guy. Let's see how long this lasts until he finds someone better than me ey? I'm going to sleep now, I think I need it.

[helpmegetbetterplease]

Tuesday, 11th of August.

I haven't posted in a while due to being on holiday and other circumstances. Holiday was amazing, obviously. Good to get away from everything, good to not have to deal with anyone. Yet still, I managed to be an ungrateful bitch and wanted to be home. I had about 4 panic attacks in the first week which is a record for me, even if that isn't much to some other people. I don't even know what I'm feeling lately, lonely I guess. The girls have managed to literally go from one person to another (not in a slagish way or anything, just happened) and I am wondering why it's so hard for me. Everyone on holiday that would even speak to me, would then see my auntie and ditch me for her. She liked to remind me of that too, how she was getting more attention than me. I hate myself so so so so so much. I want to rip my stomach open and claw all of the fat inside me out. I want to cry until there is nothing left inside of me to come out. I want to scream until I have no voice left. I hate myself for being so selfish. Why can't I be happy that everyone else is happy?! Why can't I stop being such a self centered bitch? Why can't I get the willpower to man the fuck up and lose some weight? I'm stupid and weak and I can't even look at myself without getting angry. Fuck I need to change something! Maybe if I wasn't a fat ugly self absorbed bitch, I might actually find somebody and stop feeling so god damn sorry for myself.

[helpmegetbetterplease]

Thursday, 23rd of July.

I thought today was going to be awful, I felt really down this morning. However, it turned out to be a pretty good day. I bought some new clothes that made me feel good, and summery! I saw a few people and the day turned out well. I've also spoken to my cousin who is also going through something similar to what I posted about yesterday, same age too, weird. I've also spoken to someone today, who has made me feel happy. He doesn't want anything serious which has put me on edge but I'm just going to go with the flow this time. I need sex anyway. Fuck it! That's all I have to say today really. All in all, I've been pretty happy!

[helpmegetbetterplease]

Wednesday, 22nd of July.

Yesterday helped. I didn't feel so down today, it is easier when I am around people. So me, my cousin and my best friend went to have our nails done. I feel girly and it has made me happy, even if typing this is a struggle ha. I went back to my friends house and watched some OITNB and had some Chinese, happy days. Except I saw something that made my heart leap into my mouth. You know I said that I haven't felt anything for someone in 5 years, well that was my ex. He completely shattered my 14 year old heart who thought it was in love with him. Whether I was 100% in love with him or not I don't know, but I've never come close to feeling that way about anyone since. He completely broke me by cheating on me with my best fucking friend. The same one I mentioned earlier in the post. I don't know why but I forgave her because maybe I didn't want to lose my friendship group. In time I forgave him and I wanted him back so badly. But they were together. She said she was sorry but she got into a relationship with him. Fuck that hurt. Anyway that passed and we became good friends again and one day a couple of years ago she left her messages open on my laptop. They were from him. 2 years after she had begged me for forgiveness and said she was the worst friend in the world. I let it go, its not my business to be jealous anymore right? It hurt but fuck it, I was with somebody else then (so was she). Anyway, I was saying to kels (she is my rock) the other day that now she had split up from her boyfriend she would start talking to him again and I swear to fucking god I saw a Snapchat of him earlier that he had sent to her. She turned her phone away too. Fuck I hate myself for caring so much!!! I am over him, I just want to feel the way I did with him with somebody else. This is so hard. She doesn't get to be happy with the only person that's ever made me happy. Maybe that's selfish, maybe I'm wrong but I don't care. They ruined everything that day I found them kissing. I forgave them, how am I the one still suffering because of it? Is it my turn to be happy yet?

[helpmegetbetterplease]

Tuesday, 21st July 2015.

So I thought I would do this to try and help myself to stop falling so fast. I've tried to write in a physical diary but I'm scared somebody will find it. I'm sick of not knowing what is wrong with me or how to help myself. I have the most amazing friends and family in my life and yet I still feel sad, empty. I feel like something is missing and I know this is selfish, I'm a bitch but I can't understand how it's fair that everybody I know gets to fall in love, but me. I feel lonely, I'm not alone but I feel lonely. I want somebody to confide in like everybody else has. I have my best friend, and I swear to god I would be fucking dead if it wasn't for her so it makes me feel bad for wanting more. I've forgotten what it feels like to actually feel something for someone. I have forgotten what it feels like to give a shit about someone. I've stopped caring about everyone else's problems purely because I am sick of having none of my own. I wake up everyday and it is the same. Nothing ever changes. I'm dragging myself down yet I'm not prepared to do anything about it. This is only my fault, yet I want somebody to blame. I'm angry at everyone else because they get to be happy, when the only person I should be angry at is me for making myself so unhappy. I should be happy for my friends, I'm awful. I just want to be ok again, the last time I was truly happy was when I was fourteen; six fucking years ago. My mum keeps telling me I need to go to the doctors, but I can't face it. Then I know it's real and fuck, I do not want it to be real.