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Mieko Kawakami, from 'Heaven'

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I was wondering if we could hang out as just friends? I've found that there's a finite amount of times I can sleep with someone before I start developing real feelings for them. Sorry, I know this is a bit ridiculous and unexpected but....

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“Reality should win over the abstract when making decisions”

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Feel ill. And tired. I already know I'm not hitting him up again until after the 14th. And that makes me sad because I badly want to see him. Makes me feel resigned to my fate.

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that guy who went to space and said something along the lines of how it shattered his illusions about the wonders of the universe entirely because it was just cold and empty and dead and vast and everything worth marvelling at was back down on earth. yeah

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Hello. So I thought that I should tell you, I didn't start out liking you immediately. I actually thought our first date was super average and that you were kind of weird. I thought you were attractive sure, but your laugh was off-putting, you had a very noticeable blinking tick, and you admitted to having dropped out twice - you were awkward and not super talkative and to be completely honest, I spent the entire night longing for Josh.

I liked the attention. I wanted the attention because I was sad that Josh and I didn't go out on valentine's day.

The second time I reached out was because Josh had rejected me. And he was in the process of deliberately pulling away and I was scared and sad. I was panicking and exhausted and desperate and insecure. At least I managed to muster up the courage to tell you about him.

The third time was the worst one. Josh told me he had slept with someone else and not even 3 days later I hit you up again for a quick hit of dopamine. For that delicious validation. It was fun and easy, the attention and validation both you and Charlie were giving me. I was doing it for attention, as I thought all 3 of us were. At that point, I was still playing into the inside joke (which was always my assumption) of being down super bad for you, and really chewing up the scenery for Charlie's amusement. I did it for attention.

Don't get me wrong, I felt attraction to you from the first time we met, I noticed it immediately how nice your arms were when you flexed them in a stretch. That was true then and I knew that if I hadn't been slowly losing my mind over Josh, you were the type of person that I would be into. I have the texts to Kyle that prove this much to be true. I wanted to know if I could potentially be interested in seeing more than one person at a time and found out the hard way, that I can't. Funny thing is, I've been learning this exact same lesson over and over again since my early twenties, and can't seem to accept my god-given truth.

So the third time, I assumed we would be hanging out as friends. Because the second time we met you told me that you would be okay with that, and that I just needed to let you know. The first time with Charlie and Candice was a blur to be honest, at that point I was still under the assumption that we were flirting as a joke to make Charlie as uncomfortable as possible. It was completely harmless and utterly frivolous - the flirting, the overt sexualisation. Right up until that day at the museum, is when I started to lose the plot.

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. And that was the original plan, I'll admit it freely. I hit you up because that whole Josh debacle was like being knifed in the back repeatedly. I thought that you were low risk, high reward because even though I was attracted to you, I felt no emotional attraction. But you really were great that day, really unexpectedly great. It was startling to discover that you wanted to touch me, wanted to put your head on my shoulder and did that poking thing that a lot of awkward neurodivergent people do when they aren't quite smooth enough to initiate touch.

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I'm scared ya'll. And I miss him.

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What if I get rejected...?

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My throat is dry, I'm tired, and my heart is so very far away from here.

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Mewl

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“Primordial Eyes” by Seraphine Saintclair

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idk if you’re busy rn but i was thinking we could like fall in love or something yk if you’re free

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