hellspawningg
sit in hell with me please
i just need someones hand
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entry one
welcome to my blog.
i havent been on tumblr in years. i used to use this site as early as 10 years ago. i used to be obsessed with it. i guess now that yahoo owns it, and all of the fun stuff is gone, i had never really considered coming back to it. i stopped using it properly when i left high school.
anyway, the reason i am here now is because i need an outlet; somewhere to post my emotions and thoughts and feelings. it seems as if i can not trust anyone in my life anymore. friends i managed to make online only think about what is good for them (which is to be suspected because when there is a screen in front of you and most of the time hundreds of miles of ocean, people dont really give a fuck). i dont really have anyone in real life. i cant be who i want to be in real life, because i had already created a shitty charade long ago that i cant find myself escaping. it also doesnt help that i leave the house maybe once every 2ish or 3ish weeks at the moment.
so yes, i need an outlet. because i am distraught. i hate my life. i know a lot of people nowadays say that when in reality they dont really mean it. but i do. i am plagued by depression and a slew of mental illnesses (which have been diagnosed and i am in treatment currently). i felt the need for this page when the other day i was in therapy (via zoom) and i begged and begged my therapist to let me leave group therapy. i am over that group. its just SJW, PC, airy-fairy bullshit. i want to tackle the fucking shit im dealing with, not walk around it. anyway. she didnt care. she said that she could either throw me with another therapist, or i had to deal with it. and she knows that i am so tired of bouncing around therapists. im incurable. ive been in the system for more than half my life now, which is sad when i think about that for too long.
so i will use this as a space to scream into. for now. to be real, im just waiting for something to happen. someone to provoke me enough so i can deck them or something. i just crave violence at the moment, and i think that is mostly because i have jack shit going for me. even just getting punched myself would be splendid. just to feel something would be amazing. which is fucked, really. the only company i have are the hallucinations. but really, i dont want real people around. the voices understand, even if they make my life hell.
sorry, im rambling.
talk soon, okay?
at least you won’t leave me. (will you?)
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