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[helloroselyn]

What Two Years of Therapy Has Taught Me

If you don’t know me very well, you might not know that I’ve struggled with major depression and severe anxiety for several years. You also might not know that I’ve been seeing a therapist for nearly two years now. Better yet, you might not know that going to therapy has shaped me as a person immensely.

After I got hospitalized (one of my very first blog posts goes into explicit detail about that), I began seeing a therapist almost immediately. Since then, I’ve learned so much wisdom that I’d like to impart on you tonight.

Here are several lessons that two years of therapy have taught me:

1. It’s okay to see different therapists if you don’t like the one you are currently seeing.

This one was a difficult concept for me to grasp, mainly because I was too “scared” to tell someone (especially a licensed professional), “This isn’t working out for me.”

I stayed with my first therapist for two months and was uncomfortable throughout each session. It wasn’t my therapist’s fault – in fact, it was nobody’s fault. But I just needed a different style of therapy, and hers wasn’t the one I felt I thrived in the most. So I told my dad, and several months later, I found a new therapist (whom I am still currently seeing).

2. It’s okay to be vulnerable in front of your therapist.

I used to hold in my tears in front of my therapist. It wasn’t until I was overwhelmed with school, distraught from a heartbreak, and unsatisfied with my family life that I broke down in front of her (bear in mind that this was almost after a full year of seeing her). And quite honestly, I wish I cried more often in front of her.

It feels amazing to pour out all of your emotional baggage in front of someone who won’t feel any bias towards you. So if you’re currently seeing a therapist or considering seeing one, I highly recommend showing all of your emotions – anger, sadness, elation, confusion, worry – in front of your therapist as soon as you feel comfortable to do so.

3. Meditation helps.

Before I went to therapy, I merely perceived meditation as a religious act. It never crossed my mind that it could also be utilized for strictly relaxation purposes, nothing more. But after months of persistent panic attacks, my therapist recommended meditation to me for the very first time.

Quite honestly, I was taken aback. My instinctual thoughts were, That’s so boring! I’m going to fall asleep. All you’re doing is sitting.

To some extent, I was correct. During my first meditative session, all I did was sit and listen to my breath. Sounds vapid, right?

But the more I did it, the better I felt afterward. Prior to meditating, I felt as if I had an enormous cloud of negative thoughts looming over my body. After meditation, however, that cloud gave way to sunlight, leaving me feeling more refreshed and rejuvenated.

I cannot describe the phenomenon behind this. But trust me, meditation does work!

If you’re a newbie at meditation, try downloading the free app called “Headspace” on your smartphone. It offers ten days of guided meditation for just ten minutes. It’s simple, fast, and extremely effective!

4. Consistency is difficult, but crucial.

Overtime, you’re going to get bored of your therapist, without a doubt. I’ve been there, done that.

But continuing to see your therapist – even when there isn’t anything wrong occurring in your life – is still very important. You should still make sure that your mental health is being taken care of, and one of the best ways to do this is is to consistently see your therapist.

This brings me to my next point, which is...

5. You don’t have to be in a crisis to go to therapy.

There is this huge stigma surrounding mental health and therapy. Many believe that seeing a “shrink” (slang term for a mental psychologist) is only for “crazy people.” And the reason I know this is because my parents believed that before.

But – and I ask you to remember this, even if you don’t remember anything else from this post – YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE MENTALLY ILL TO SEE A THERAPIST.

If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, therapy is a great option for you. If you’re self-harming constantly and want to find healthier methods of coping with life’s challenges, therapy is a great option for you. If you’re in “perfect” mental condition and you have a wonderful life, therapy is a great option for you, too.

I know many people who see a therapist and who have never struggled with anxiety, depression, etc. They simply want to keep their mental health in tip-top shape and learn better ways to manage their stress levels, which is a valid reason to go to therapy.

I’m not attempting to push therapy down your throat. I’m also not forcing you to see a therapist right at this moment. I’m merely encouraging you to realize that “shrinks” aren’t just for people enduring some type of hardship in their life – they’re also for perfectly healthy people who are interested in learning how they can be more “perfect,” healthier people.

I hope this opened up your mind about therapists, and if you’re considering seeing one soon, I highly encourage you to schedule your appointment today!

Good luck! I will write again very soon.

Love, Roselyn

[helloroselyn]

What I Wish Someone Told Me Before Junior Year

It is currently the summer between my junior and senior year, and I cannot wait to enter my last year of high school! It’s a bit surreal to say the least, but I definitely think junior year was my best year thus far. If you asked me to describe each school year in high school (minus senior year), I’d say that freshman year was the easiest, sophomore year was the most challenging, and junior year was the most productive.

Everybody says junior year is one of the most important years of your high school career, and I agree to a certain extent. My junior year was abundant with highs and lows, stressful nights and early mornings, and dreaded days and exciting events. There were times when I was successful, yet there were others when I felt like a failure.

If you’re about to enter your junior year or if you’d simply like to know my advice on what helped me as a junior, here are five tips on what I wish someone would have told me before my junior year:

1. Start everything early.

If you’re like me, you probably like to procrastinate a lot. In junior year (and in any year of your life), that won’t do you any good.

My teachers recommended students to take their first SAT and ACT exams during their junior year, which makes sense. If you don’t like your score from junior year, you can retake it as a senior in hopes of earning a better score.

So I set out to take my SAT in June (more specifically, June 3) and my ACT the following week (June 10). The reason why I chose the June dates and not May or earlier is because I wanted to “accumulate” as much knowledge as possible before I took each exam.

I have yet to receive my scores, but if there’s one thing I regret, it was that I feel as though I didn’t practice enough.

During my leisure, I watched a TED Talk on what top students do differently than average ones, and one of the key things that top students do is take practice exams well before the test, whereas average students tend to reread the material over and over and over again until their brains are exhausted. Unfortunately, that won’t help you on the SAT/ACT.

What I did to practice for the SAT was to create a Khan Academy account and make a study schedule that I would religiously follow each week in preparation for the June exam. Of course, this is extremely beneficial – if you’re consistent with it.

I, however, was not. I said “hi!” to Khan Academy for about one week straight and then completely abandoned my account. I don’t even recall exactly how many months I skipped SAT Practice because there were so many. Needless to say, DO NOT DO THAT.

The month leading up to June 3, I began to practice every single day. I would log into Khan Academy during zero period, lunch breaks, and before I started my homework. It was a super productive routine, which I am proud to have accomplished, but it undoubtedly required plenty of discipline and determination.

Would I probably have scored higher if I practiced way more? Yes. Would I feel more confident about my score if I studied earlier? Absolutely.

Now that we’re on the topic of studying...

2. Find a study schedule that works for you.

I cannot stress this one enough. If you’re still in that mindset of “I can study the night before the test and still score an A+ on it,” this is especially for you, my friend.

I used to be the type of person who lived and breathed that mindset. I would put off studying until the night before (sometimes the morning of) a test, self-assured that I would get an A. And most of the time, I did. But it did result in me losing precious hours of sleep and crying from constant bouts of stress.

To avoid this, I highly recommend creating a study schedule that works for you (key words: “works for you”). You don’t have to strive to be the next Albert Einstein and study chemistry formulas for five hours every night, because if you’re involved in ten extracurriculars, enrolled in five AP classes, and given a list of twenty chores to do on the daily, you’d obviously have to create a study schedule that caters to your specific needs.

What I did was that I would study my most difficult subjects (i.e. Precalculus, Chemistry, and AP United States History) for about thirty minutes each night, and I would give or take a few minutes depending on how difficult the lesson was or when my next exam would take place. Thirty minutes may not seem like a lot, but it’s way more efficient than studying four hours the night before the test. Plus, I had leadership positions, extracurriculars, and other AP/Honors homework under my belt, so I couldn’t afford to study for hours on end.

Depending on your daily/weekly schedule, I suggest finding what works perfectly for you. This does require some trial and error, but trust me, your hard work will pay off!

3. Get more sleep.

This is a piece of advice I desperately needed. When you’re feeling lethargic at school, you cannot – and will not – show your best work. The only (obvious) way to fix this is by catching more shuteye.

This may require some experimentation. If you’re anything like me and beg for a drop of coffee when you’re running off five hours of sleep, shoot for six to seven hours of sleep (at the very least) each night. Many doctors and professionals suggest eight hours of sleep for optimal energy, but your body may be different. Whether you’re a night owl or a morning bird, I recommend testing out different hours of sleep and seeing what works for you.

Once you’ve determined your ideal sleep schedule, you’ve got to stick to it. I have zero period, which means I wake up every morning at 6 a.m., regardless of whether I want to or not. It’s become a habit for me, but of course, it changes drastically over the summer.

For many students, sticking to a consistent sleep schedule may mean finishing your homework earlier than usual, or sacrificing a few extracurriculars in order to make more time for sleep. That’s okay. If you’re losing hours of sleep due to your activities, re-evaluate each one. Ask yourself, “Is this worth my time?” If it isn’t, you may have to consider knocking it off your schedule.

This brings me to my next point, which is...

3. Don’t be afraid to quit and try out different things.

As children, we were taught that quitting a sport, club, etc. is no bueno. We’re shamed for straying away from our commitments, and even in some cases in high school, it’s heavily frowned upon to do so. But as you grow older, it may be of more benefit to quit extraneous activities than to stay in them.

During my sophomore year, I was on the track team. I absolutely loved sprinting and lifting weights – it was my form of stress-relief (plus, it made me more confident in how my body looked, which was an added bonus). But when I was on the team my junior year, I hated it. I don’t know if it was because of the negative people I was surrounding myself with, or because the workouts just weren’t fun anymore, or if it was a combination of the two. The point is, I quit the track team.

And it was difficult. I was fearful of what my coaches would tell me. I was scared of what my friends on the team would think of me. And most importantly, I was afraid of being shamed for my decision.

Luckily, my coaches and most of my friends were incredibly supportive and understood my situation. But to this day, it was one of the hardest choices I’d ever made in my high school career.

Like the track team, I also quit the All Female Dance Team, Book Club, Science Club, Bible Club, and several others. I chose to leave my AP Chemistry class and opted for an easier chemistry course, simply because I wanted to decrease my workload. Different activities were definitely more challenging to say goodbye to, but in the end, I don’t regret any of my decisions. I feel healthier and more balanced with the activities in which I am currently involved (and I get much more sleep!).

4. Heartbreaks are inevitable, but they’re leading you to your next successful relationship.

Like I mentioned in my previous blog post, I went through an excruciatingly painful breakup early on in my junior year. Needless to say, I was extremely depressed because of it. I’ll spare you the details of what happened (simply because that’s a really personal topic), but without a doubt, I’ve learned so much from my pain. I became more assertive and independent, discovered exactly what I want and don’t want in a guy, and uncovered a newfound strength inside of me that I never knew I possessed.

In conjunction, I don’t recommend rushing into a relationship immediately after you’ve endured a breakup. I gave myself a few months of healing before I started dating my current boyfriend. This healing process may take longer for others and shorter for some, so it’s important to surround yourself with your loved ones and to do activities that make you happy to distract yourself from the pain.

5. Don’t rush it.

This is a short and simple piece of advice my APUSH teacher gave us on the last day of class, yet it’s super meaningful.

There will be many days when you’ll want to get out of high school already. There will also be days when you’ll hate your teachers, your parents, your classmates, and so on. There will be plenty of days when you’ll want to be an adult and have your life figured out already.

But don’t rush it. Enjoy your youth while you still have it, because there are only so many years before you’ll have to pay taxes, work for ten hours each day, and take care of crying babies until 3 a.m. This time of your life is valuable, so treasure it.

I hope this helps you, future juniors, in the upcoming school year! I wish you all the best of luck!

Love, Roselyn

[helloroselyn]

Life Update

Hello! Long time, no see!

Since it has been several months since I last updated on this blog, I feel it would be fitting to include a little life update on what’s been happening while I was on my “hiatus.”

1. I am now officially a high school senior!

I’m going to be honest – high school has gone by faster than I anticipated. Junior year felt like a blur, but it was definitely a productive year full of growth and happiness. I went through a breakup in the very early months of my junior year, and while it was challenging at first, I thought it was a positive change in my life. Though I want to avoid posting too much about my personal life, the relationship ended because of a valid reason, which helped me move on from it much faster. In fact, I do believe that I emerged from that breakup as a more resilient, confident woman. As of right now, I have been with extremely happy with my current boyfriend, whom I have been with for almost five months.

But I digress. The first half of junior year felt as if it was a complete and utter joke, and I say that in the most honest way possible. I was completing assignments before 11 p.m. (something I’d never been able to do during my sophomore year) and I was getting sufficient sleep almost every night.

And then second semester hit me like a bus. No, seriously. My classes got a wee bit more difficult and I was taking tests almost every week, such as the AP exams, SAT, ACT, CAASP, etc. The rigor is something I do not miss at all, but it did greatly enhance my time management skills as I relied on my planner as if it were my Holy Bible. I am unsure if I will disclose my test scores on my blog, but once my scores have been released, I will make a post on how I studied for the different tests and what did/didn’t help me!

Other than the constant stress and lack of sleep, I was officially installed as the Lt. Governor of Division 42 West for Key Club, elected as the Vice President of my school’s California Scholarship Federation (CSF), and I will begin tutoring for School on Wheels in the next couple months. I may not seem to have a lot on my plate, but trust me, my schedule is pretty much jam-packed with meetings, assignments, and service.

There have definitely been some major changes in my academic life, but I am completely satisfied with the way my life is going right now.

Since I am going to be starting my senior year in late August of this year...

2. I have begun research on colleges and universities I’d like to attend!

Oh gosh. Even typing that out feels weird.

I’ve been anxiously looking forward to this time of my life ever since I was in the 7th grade. My 7th-8th grade teacher (God bless him) ingrained into my brain that I need to go to college, and that I had to start researching them as early as I possibly could.

And that’s what I did (and am still doing). I am looking into applying to the University of Southern California (USC), UC Berkeley, Seton Hall University, Columbia University, and a few others. My top choice is USC, though, because I am interested in pursuing broadcast journalism (more on that later).

I want to start drafting my Common App and Personal Insight responses over the summer break. But for now, I just want to focus on researching different universities and completing my summer homework for senior year.

3. I really want to be a MMJ!

If you don’t know what an MMJ is, it basically stands for “multimedia journalist.” Essentially I want to write stories, report news in front of the camera, and more.

It definitely isn’t an easy job. I will have to meet demanding deadlines, report in places that aren’t so glamorous, subject myself to public scrutiny, and work under pressure.

But I’ve already been doing these things throughout my whole life. I have competed in twelve spelling bees, written numerous stories for my school newspaper, reported on my school’s broadcast news program, and achieved all A’s in relentlessly rigorous courses. I have experience, and I love it.

It’s refreshing knowing my passion and what exactly I want to be. I have looked up to reporters like Liberté Chan, Katie Couric, and Robin Roberts my entire upbringing. I’m excited for what the future has in store for me, and I can only pray that my hard work pays off and that I can be just like one of them.

I’m deeply sorry for the absence these past few months. I will strive to be more consistent in my blog posts this summer since I have much more time under my belt.

Good luck, and I’ll be writing again soon!

Love, Roselyn

[helloroselyn]

Loving Yourself

Over the past few months, my life has changed in a multitude of ways: my sophomore year of high school came to an end, I’ve been busy working on a Drivers Ed online course and I’ve been dating someone for a little over a month now.

Personally, going back into dating was a mental feat. Before, though, I definitely had to learn how to love and appreciate myself, which was not an overnight task.

It’s difficult to explain how exactly I learned how to value myself more than I previously did, as it took tons of trial-and-error. Of course I have days when it’s more challenging, and others when it’s not so bad. But these are a couple pieces of advice I’d give someone who is currently on their journey to self-love:

1) Realize that you are in charge of your happiness, nobody else. This was a lesson that was hard for me to grasp, especially as a young girl who has been taught her whole life to believe that a happy girl is one with a “prince charming.” Sadly, that Disney-originated motif was total bullshit. A boyfriend or girlfriend is not your ticket to happiness. You are the only person responsible for your happiness—no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it.

2) Loving yourself involves finding hobbies that you love—or that define you. For the past 2 weeks and for the next 3 weeks of my relationship, we have been/will be doing long distance (which I will probably write another post about in the future, since I have soooo many things to say about LDR’s!). Rather than constantly depending on him to keep me busy/happy—which I’ve done in past relationships—I’ve found activities that I love to do to learn how I can have fun independently and to keep me occupied. For example, due to my busy schedule during the school year I never made time to play the piano, and now I’ve been teaching myself how to play “Hollow” by Tori Kelly. Taking on an old hobby or learning a new one (like baking, playing an instrument, or even blogging) can help you define yourself in a positive way—thus, helping you learn how to love yourself.

3) Stop judging yourself. I think everyone has experienced low self-esteem due to putting themselves down; however, this is an extremely toxic habit that doesn’t help anybody. Viewing yourself as too ugly, fat, stupid, etc. is nowhere close to self-love. Instead, replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. For instance, when you catch yourself ruminating about your imperfections, start accepting them for what they are. Tell yourself, “I love my imperfections, because they make me, me.”

4) Stop letting others judge you, too. Honestly, this is something I still struggle with very often. Hearing rumors about you or even taking criticism from someone (whether it be from someone you admire or someone you don’t even know) can be excruciating. But it is important to realize that other people’s opinions about you are irrelevant and trivial. Yes, you may receive judgment from someone who matters a lot from you, such as your parents or even your professors. However, don’t let everything they tell you define who you are; YOU define who you are.

5) Choose your friends wisely. You’re going to meet people in life who are either going to bring you up or bring you down. You have the power to choose who stays in your life, and which ones don’t. It doesn’t make you a bad person—it just means that you have self-respect.

6) Self-love takes time and patience. It is not an easy road. I still have my off days, too. But realize that loving yourself and accepting yourself are not about the destination, but about the journey (as corny as it sounds).

Good luck on your journey to loving yourself. I’ll be writing again soon!

Love, Roselyn

[helloroselyn]

The Value of Life

These past seven days have been crazy, to say the least. In the beginning of the week, my parents told me that my grandma was very sick. They took her to the hospital while I was still at school. I had no idea what was going on until two days later. My cousin texted me saying that our grandma has cancer. The next day, after a revealing biopsy my family and I were told that she has lung cancer. As of right now, we're unsure as to what stage of cancer my grandma has. We'll find out by next week, though. What this past week has taught me is that life is so precious. Just several months ago, my grandma was able to dance and walk freely with the rest of the family. Nowadays, she's been bedridden and feeling extremely weak. I know I take this life for granted most of the times, and I'd like to change that. I pray that I can value my experiences with my family and friends even more during this time.

[helloroselyn]

The Importance of Assertiveness

Nowadays there is a huge stigma surrounding mental health. If you’re lucky, your family and friends would be caring and understanding towards your situation. If you’re not so lucky (like I was), your loved ones push your mental health aside, whether it’s done intentionally or not, and expect you to plow through life like a fighter. And sure, you might be able to do so with a mental disorder, but it is not easy without a strong support network.

I remember talking to my parents about my depression for the very first time. They tried to help out by telling me to “be strong” and to “push through,” but in reality, advice like that never truly holds effect in a depressed person. It’s like telling someone with a headache to “have faith,” rather than actually giving that person some Advil.

For several years, I struggled with depression on my own — no antidepressants, no therapy, nothing. My coping mechanism was cutting myself. And during that time, it felt normal. Cutting, I thought, was an acceptable way of dealing with my emotions. However, when I spoke to one of my friends about it, she told me it wasn’t okay, and that I needed to ask for help.

So after my hospitalization in 2014, that’s what I set out to do. I took Prozac, an antidepressant, and went to therapy once a week. Initially my parents were fine with it, but after a while they wanted me to stop taking the antidepressants.

I would take a pill every morning, and my mom would ask me questions like, “Do you really need to take that?” She thought antidepressants were made for “crazy people;” therefore, she didn’t want to view me as “crazy."

Within several months, my parents took me off the Prozac, and weeks later I stopped going to therapy. They thought I could live well without the two, so naturally I thought the same. They’re my parents—they should know better about myself than I do.

Or so I thought.

A week before the start of sophomore year, my boyfriend of the time broke up with me. It was one of the most devastating experiences I had to endure. My depression returned full force, and I developed anxiety worse than ever before.

It wasn’t until I talked to one of my good friends about my situation that I realized how I needed to be more assertive with my parents. I had to fight for my mental health. I had to speak up in order to be heard. How was I able to do well in school and be an overall well-rounded person if I was suffering internally?

So I told my parents everything. I told them about my depression, my loss of interest in life, my cutting, my frequent panic attacks, my suicidal thoughts, my seemingly incessant hopelessness… everything. It was one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had to have, but afterwards I felt so much better. My parents were more understanding and took me to my doctor. She suggested that I go back to therapy, but insisted that Prozac was unnecessary.

Today therapy is what is keeping me sane. I go once every other week, but due to recent problems I’ve been going through, I’m thinking about going once every week instead. I’ve learned the importance of being assertive and how I should prioritize what I want, rather than what my parents want for me.

Fighting for what I wanted was definitely a challenge that caused me to step outside of my comfort zone, but the happiness I’ve found through it is both a reward and a blessing.

[helloroselyn]

Happy April!

Today's the start of the new month AND the beginning of my birthday month! Now that the chaotic month of March has ended and April has officially commenced, I can't help but reflect on my life and how I am increasingly learning my self worth. In the past week, my mom had a breast cancer scare (which, in the end, turned out to be just a scare — nothing more!) and I haven't been feeling like myself lately. As the days go by, I notice that I feel more "numb" every day. I don't feel emotions as deeply as I used to — I just feel happy and sad, never elated or depressed. I think it's a result of all the workloads I face in school, so whenever my adrenaline isn't pumping due to the stress I constantly feel, my body isn't used to it. This spring break has been extremely unproductive for me. Besides the fact that I've had early morning track practice every day this week, I haven't done any homework and I've been sleeping whenever I have the chance. I'm tired all the time, so coming back to school next week will be HELL. For April, I want to focus on setting daily goals for myself, even if they're really small. I notice myself getting in a "slump" more and more each day; to combat this, I think aiming to reach a certain goal will add more meaning to my life and not feel so "dull" each day. I'll write again soon, hopefully before my birthday (April 16)! ;) Love, Roselyn

[helloroselyn]

What I Learned From 1 Week Without Social Media

Recently my life has been nothing but chaotic. Track season is fast-approaching, my county’s Mock Trial competition just passed, I got elected as my school’s Key Club President and CSF Vice President, and the stress I’ve been experiencing as a result seems to be interminable. Last weekend, all the weight from everything that has been going on in my life piled on top of me, and it felt as though I’d been tied down by all my stress and anxiety. As I usually do when I feel this way, I called my best friends to my house, and they suggested that I do a “social media cleanse” - a fancy-schmancy way to say “abstain from all social media platforms for a short period of time.” So I set my mind to go without Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, Snapchat, Vine and Pinterest for seven days. Here’s what I learned:

1. Social media is a drug. In a metaphorical way, of course. Throughout the first day - or first hours, even - without social media, I experienced what one would call “withdrawal symptoms”: I was miserable, as though I’d been missing something from my life (when “something” was just a simple notification from Instagram telling me some random person liked my photo from 2 weeks ago); I felt as if I had to find ways to distract myself constantly or else I’d hop back onto Twitter; and I was a lot more irritable and bored.

2. The longer I abstained from social media, the less I missed it. People always say, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” and it rang true for a while when I initially stopped using social media. But after three or four days, I found myself no longer wanting to log onto any social media sites anymore. The only social media platform I missed throughout the duration of my “cleanse” was Snapchat, and the weird thing is, I don’t use Snapchat as often as I use Instagram and Twitter!

3. Social media has become a natural part of my instincts. Every time I saw something remotely interesting or ate food that looked like it could be on Food Network, my instinctual thought was, “I should take a picture of this and post it on Snapchat!” After remembering my “cleanse,” my mood turned a full 180º. The need to share my experiences and feel connected to others has become such a prominent aspect of my everyday life, that when it was stripped away from me, I felt detached from society.

4. It is extremely possible to live without social media. Most people would cringe at the mere thought of living without Instagram, but it can be done! Although it may be a challenge at first, it’s smooth-sailing after several days.

5. Taking a break from social media helps you in a multitude of ways. Out of all the benefits I took away from these past seven days, I’d say my newfound productivity reigns superior. I used to procrastinate and spend all my hours on social media, but once I couldn’t use it anymore, I found myself finishing my assignments earlier and quicker. Aside from my productivity levels skyrocketing, I also noticed that my overall mood was more positive. Social media loves to highlight the negative events going on in the world - it’s like that one gossiper/rumor-starter at school that everyone either worships or despises. But after stepping away from that negativity, I found myself being more optimistic and focusing more on the wonderful aspects of life rather than the critical.

If you continually feel overwhelmed, lost, idle, or a combination of all these emotions, I HIGHLY recommend doing a “social media cleanse,” too. It helped me find myself, figure out my true passions, and sort out my former disorderly life. As always, everything is best in moderation, so if you aren’t willing to giving up social media cold-turkey, you can always try cutting down your daily use of it. In the end, I promise you that it’ll reap more benefits than detriments.

[helloroselyn]

Little update.

Hello everyone! First off, I know that this blog post is long overdue, and I apologize for that! Now, time for a little update. For the past few weeks, I have been constantly stressed. I'm in track, I just got elected as president for my school's Key Club, I'll be competing in my county's Mock Trial competition in exactly one week, I have a huge Bio exam to study for, I need to memorize a poem by tomorrow and write one by Wednesday, I have a project to finish by Thursday... The list goes on. I'm stressed out and anxious 90% of the time. My panic attacks have been more recurrent. I sleep all the time, yet I'm still constantly fatigued. I used to love reading and writing, but now I can't stand the thought of either one. My depression has been hitting me really hard lately—I have no motivation to do anything anymore, and the longer my list of obligations gets, the less inclination I feel to do any of it. And on top of it all, I just got sick. I know I can't avoid my problems, because that wouldn't fix anything. I just have to endure the last couple days of February, and I know everything will be all right afterwards. Anyways, I'll post when I feel better and a lot happier. Right now I just feel sluggish. Love, Roselyn

[helloroselyn]

My 8 Favorite Beauty Tips

In my very first blog post, I mentioned that I love anything beauty-related: makeup, fashion, etc. So, as a drastic change from my previous post about my anxiety and depression, I wanted to post something more laid-back today and talk about my top eight most treasured beauty tips that I swear by every single day, and that you can possibly incorporate into your daily life as well.

1. Water is your best friend. You might think this is an obvious one, but I really can’t stress this tip enough. Water does not only flush out toxins from your body, but it also helps with hydrating and clearing your skin, too. On a typical day, I aim for at least six glasses of water.

2. In addition to water, green tea works wonders. I’ve been drinking green tea every night for the past couple weeks, and I can honestly say that it has been super effective in winding me down at the end of a stressful day. Like water, green tea flushes toxins out of your body and helps you relax. Less stress = less acne. (Plus, it boosts your metabolism!)

3. Make time for exercise. I know, working out can seem like a chore at times, but it really does keep your skin looking youthful and fresh. You just have to find the workout routine that works for you. Fun fact: my therapist and my English teacher have given me amazing advice in regards to managing my depression, and both of them have told me that exercise is not only great for your body, but also for your mind.

4. Skincare should be a crucial part of your everyday routine. Removing your makeup at the end of a long day is the WORST feeling ever... but it’s actually one of the most effective ways you can keep your skin acne-free and young as can be. Personally, my daily skincare routine consists of a cleanser, a toner, an eye cream, a serum and a moisturizer, but yours may be completely different depending on your skin’s needs.

5. You can never go wrong with a cateye and a bold lipstick. For school it’s my personal preference to not wear a lot of makeup (but if you do want to, by all means, wear as much makeup as your heart desires!). However, on the days when I want to spice up my makeup routine, I shoot for the classic cateye liquid eyeliner and a dark lipcolor, like crimson or a deep purple shade. This look will always be one of my favorites, and can be used for almost any occasion.

6. Coconut oil is a beauty life-saver. In the past six months, I’ve been using coconut oil religiously as a makeup remover, hair oil, intense body moisturizer, “highlight” for freshly shaved legs, cooking oil to substitute for vegetable oil... the list goes on!

7. Exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate. Since I have oily skin and I exercise frequently, I exfoliate my skin every 2-3 days. Depending on your skin type, you may need to exfoliate less, but I recommend aiming for at least once a week to slough off all the dead skin cells and to reveal healthy, glowing skin underneath. As an exfoliant, I use a mixture of 1/2 cup sugar, 3 tbsp honey and 4 tbsp olive oil, and I may add more if I’m not quite satisfied with the consistency.

8. Believe that you are beautiful. This is probably the most challenging and the corniest advice of all, but self-love is ultimately something you should strive to achieve every day. Believing that you are beautiful is not a mere destination, but rather, a journey. It’s a process that takes conscious effort and practice.

Everybody in this world is different - let that sink in! Out of all the 7 billion people on this Earth, there is not one who is exactly like you. You are unique and beautiful in your own way, so embrace it! You’re going to live in the body you have right now for the rest of your life - might as well love it and take care of it.

Hopefully I get to post more beauty-related posts in the future. I really enjoyed making this one and sharing my tips with you!

For now, farewell :)

Love, Roselyn

[helloroselyn]

[helloroselyn]

What do you do when you're in the middle of class and having a full blown panic attack? I just completely shut down and I find it feels horrible having people witnessing such a vulnerable side of you.

I’ve actually struggled with this dilemma quite a lot in the past couple months. If my teacher isn’t in the middle of a lecture, I’d approach him/her and ask if I could step outside for a few minutes. Usually during a panic attack, I prefer not to speak or have any social interactions with people, so rather than verbally asking to step outside, I’d write it down on a small piece of paper and hand it to my teacher.

However, if I happen to have a panic attack during a lecture, it would be even more daunting to have to interrupt the teacher to step outside. So I’ve found that closing my eyes, breathing deeply, and thinking positively have helped me immensely.

When I close my eyes, I tend to visualize a really happy and/or tranquil time in my life, like when I went hiking for the first time or when I’d sit in my local Barnes & Noble and read a book for hours. When I breathe deeply, I use the 4-7-8 method: I inhale for four seconds, hold my breath for seven seconds, and then exhale for eight seconds. I repeat this technique three to four times, or until my anxiety has subsided. When I think positively, I prefer to have a mantra, like “I am strong,” to repeat to myself over and over again.

I hope this helped you out in one way or another :)

[helloroselyn]

My experiences with depression, self-harm and anxiety

Trigger warning: some parts of this post mention cutting, suicide, and panic attacks. (But it does have a happy ending!)

There wasn’t a definitive pinpoint as to when I can say my depression “started.” In other words, I can only talk about my earliest recollections experiencing depression.

I was in the third or fourth grade. Growing up I was always a very competitive person - in fact, I still am! But as a child, I didn’t know that the competitive side I instilled into myself at the time wasn’t healthy.

I would compare myself to my best friends. They were all beautiful and extremely bright, and I thought I was hideous and dim-witted. Whenever I looked at myself, I instinctually saw fat and I’d think to myself, “Why can’t I be as skinny as ________?” I was incredibly cruel on myself, but I didn’t realize the severity of it as a little eight-year-old.

In the fifth grade, I started the habit of scratching and pinching my wrists until I saw blood. My friends would tell me not to do it, saying it was “bad for me.” At the time, I merely saw it as a way of “punishing” myself for not being as beautiful nor smart as they were. I didn’t feel like I was enough, and the way I showed that shame was by inflicting pain on my body.

Middle school came along, and one of my friends whom I looked up to very much told me that she cut herself. I didn’t know what that was at the time, so she explained to me that she’d take razor blades or a knife and slash her wrists. I brought it up with my parents when we ate at a restaurant one evening, and my parents (being the pious individuals that they were) told me that people who cut themselves were going to be punished by God. I was afraid by their response, so I never mentioned it again to them. But I couldn’t help but think to myself, “What if I could cut myself, too?”

Fast forward several weeks: I cut myself for the first time when I was eleven. I don’t remember exactly how I did it - I only remember the feeling I received afterwards. Pain. Satisfaction. Exhilaration. Fear. Bliss. Freedom.

After that first cut, I vowed to myself never to do it again. But you know what they say about promises: they’re meant to be broken.

I became addicted to cutting myself. I wouldn’t be able to go weeks - even days - without doing it. Some of my friends knew, but they never did anything about it, except discourage me from doing it again. But I couldn’t stop, no matter how hard I tried. It gave me a rush, almost like a “high,” and I kept coming back to that feeling of satisfaction over and over and over again.

At the time, I was on a dance team. One of my coaches noticed my scars one day, and told the other coaches. According to a friend of mine, the coaches had been contemplating kicking me out of the team after seeing that I had scars.

I was ashamed, hurt, upset... but most of all, I felt angry. I would ask myself every day, “Why does the fact that I have scars on my wrist mean that I can’t dance anymore? Is it because I’m weak? Is it because I don’t belong here?”

That experience only made me harder on myself. I quit the dance team the following year. I’d cut myself more frequently, as if a couple times a week wasn’t enough. I started carrying scissors with me to school to cut myself with. I’d wear bracelets and long-sleeves, even if it was 80 degrees outside. And if there were no sharp objects around, I’d even use rubber bands to inflict pain on myself. The feeling of pain was my source of happiness. I was hopelessly addicted.

The worst part was, I was always smiling at school. I’d be that one girl whose laugh filled the entire room, who actively participated in class discussions, who got straight A’s, who was friendly with everybody, who was goal-oriented and academically driven, who seemed to love life, but really didn’t. The success and pride I was exuding externally did not match the feeling of depression I felt inside of me.

I went to the school counselor almost every day of seventh grade. I would try to stop cutting myself, but nothing seemed to work. I was journaling, reading, finding new hobbies, talking out my feelings with my friends, researching self-mutilation, placing ice cubes on my wrists whenever I received the urge to cut, listening to upbeat music, drawing slashes on my wrists with a red marker as a substitute for the “cuts,” sleeping more, scouting libraries for self-help books... but nothing seemed to work.

Then in eighth grade, a problem occurred between one of my best friends and me that pushed me to my breaking point. My depression worsened, my cutting seemed perpetual, and I lost all hope I had left. I decided that I was going to kill myself.

I told one of my friends that I was thinking about suicide that night. I fell asleep at around 9 PM, hoping that sleep would cure the depression I felt inside, but my dad woke me up shortly an hour and a half later. He told me that the police were outside, and that my friend called 911 after I fell asleep.

I was scared, to say the least. I’d never interacted with the police before (save for the canine shows that they held in elementary school alongside the fire department), and I didn’t know what to expect. Fast forward three hours: I was admitted into Vista Del Mar Hospital in May of 2014.

I was there for three days, and it was an experience filled with a rollercoaster of memories I will remember until the day I die. For the sake of this post, I’ll save my experiences there for another day.

I won’t lie to you and say, “I stopped cutting and thinking about suicide after I was discharged!” In fact, I’d say it was the complete opposite. I still felt the urge to cut myself. I still thought about suicide from time to time - I just never made a plan again.

Back-track to a year prior to my hospitalization: my first panic attack occurred in the seventh grade. I was in a timed team building competition, and our team’s construction wasn’t going as successful as we hoped it would. Time was running out as fast as lightning. Thirty seconds left was on the clock - my instincts kicked in, and my heart began to hammer against my chest. I started feeling light-headed and nauseous. My head was spinning with a multitude of thoughts all at once. My hands were trembling uncontrollably. It was all so overwhelming, but I didn’t think much of it at the time until I went home later that day and realized I’d endured my first panic attack. What I didn’t know was that it would’ve been the first of many.

In late summer of last year (2015), my relationship with my boyfriend of eleven and a half months came to an end. I was in a state of denial for weeks - I would text him every day and ask if he was 100% sure about the breakup, and every time he said he was, I only felt even more depressed than I was before. I lost my appetite, all I wanted to do was sleep all day, I lost a lot of weight, and I cried for what seemed like every hour of every day. By this time, I’d stopped taking Prozac (antidepressants) and going to therapy for over a year. But at this time, I needed it more than ever.

To my demise, the beginning of my sophomore year started a week after the breakup. To put it simply, I was a train wreck. Every day at school I’d have intense panic attacks. They’d range between five and twenty-five minutes, but the severity of those anxiety bursts were still horrifying nonetheless.

My anxiety and depression only got worse with all the workloads from school. I would wake up at 6 AM and be afraid to go to school. In fact, there were days when I asked my parents if I couldn’t go to school for fear of having another panic attack in class. I would cry whenever I arrived home from school due to all the stress and anxiety I felt every day.

In October, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was tired of feeling like my anxiety and depression were taking over my life. I’d cut myself a few times, but it didn’t provide the same relief that it once promisingly did. Instead of giving up on my life - which I so desperately wanted to do so many times - I decided to ask my parents if I could go back to therapy and take medication again.

Fast-forward to today, I’ve been going to the same therapist since November, and I absolutely love it so far. I don’t take Prozac right now because my doctor didn’t recommend it, but if I ever need it in the future, then I won’t hesitate to bring it up with my parents. I’m currently succeeding in school and I fantasize about attending my dream university, UC Berkeley.

Like before, I won’t lie to you and say, “I don’t have any more panic attacks, my depression has been cured, and I no longer have scars on my wrist!” Battling anxiety, depression and the urges to cut is an everyday struggle. I still have anxiety attacks - just not as often. I still have occasional bouts of depression. I still have the urge to cut every once in a while - I just don’t give in to the temptation. I have wonderfully supportive friends who help me cope and who were there for me every step of my recovery.

If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety and/or self-mutilation, I have one promise for you: it gets better. I know you don’t believe me right now, or you feel like your situation is so shitty that it can’t possibly get better, but it does. Believe me, I was there. I’ve felt that way before.

And living this way does NOT have to last forever - there are so many resources out there that are at your disposal! There’s therapy, medication, hospitals, hotlines... you just have to find one that works best for you. For me, I’ve found that therapy, reading, writing and socializing have helped me manage. Remember that one coping mechanism that works for me, may not be the same for you. It’s your life - make it worth living, and find out what makes you truly happy.

I’m going to end this blog post on a significantly “brighter” note: a month ago, I read a tremendously influential book titled It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini, who unfortunately took his own life in 2013. In Vizzini’s novel, the main character Craig Gilner goes to a therapist for his crippling anxiety and depression.

There was a part in the book that still resonates deeply in my brain, in which Craig’s therapist tells him, “Life is not cured, Mr. Gilner. Life is managed.” And I think that statement cannot be any truer.

[helloroselyn]

In the beginning...

Hi! My name is Roselyn and I’m currently a 15-year-old aspiring writer.

My other, more “public” blog is rose-lyn.tumblr.com, but since I’ve been wanting a more individualized platform for a while now, I decided to make a second blog solely dedicated to personal posts.

My posts will mainly encompass my life, but I’ll also include things that I really love, such as books, beauty, food, health, fashion, and more.

On this blog, I’ll be very vocal about my personal experiences with depression, self-harm and anxiety, as well as healthy coping mechanisms I’ve learned over the past few years. One of my goals in making this blog is to help eliminate any stigma concerning mental disorders, which is unfavorably common in modern society, and to provide comfort for those who are struggling with the same illnesses.

This blog will be filled with all the highs and the lows that I wish to share, and I sincerely hope that all the passion I’ve poured onto this page will be clear to see for those who read my blog.

For now, farewell :)