hellogmc

[hellogmc]

A letter to myself

001: heartaches, growing & changes. 

A monogamous relationship consists of two partners willing to commit, but what happens if one of them fails to honor the commitment? Either you compromise or you leave. What happens when it becomes a frequent issue? Either you compromise or you leave. What happens when you compromise yourself for the sake of the relationship's longevity? Either you start to believe that you deserve the misery or you leave.

I grew up surrounded by relationships that endure not out of love, but out of… familiarity? guilt? duty? These relationships are held together by one person's urge to be there for their partner that either resents them or they resent. Not the best models, these relationships, but I was raised with the idea that you ought not to give up on the people you love. Nope, never ever ever give up on them. You commit to helping them sort their shit out in hopes of them realizing along the way that you are worthy of their love, attention, or whatever significant thing that they have to offer.

 When you are young. It feels so empowering to think that your love can change things, and in little ways it does (how I wish it had greater impact). But then you live your teenage years, university life, the real world, and realize that opening your heart will hurt in ways you won’t be prepared for. Some people will not even know what to do with the love you give. As someone who has fallen in love, I have nothing much to offer in this conversation, but I do know that love- healthy, authentic love- is not supposed to hurt so much. I’m not saying that it should never hurt; the absence of pain and disappointment in a relationship should be seen as an anomaly. The point here is that the world is unfair and nothing is equal, so might as well strive to be in a relationship where the good moments outnumber the bad days.

 I think many of us know this and try to aim for this kind of relationship, yet we settle. We convince ourselves that this miserable relationship we’re in counts as love, because even if we’ve been on and off, even if there is lingering resentment, even if there have been instances of abuse and manipulation, we still find our way back to each other and these sacrifices we make so that our lover stays, it builds character. This must mean something, you tell yourself, because it would destroy you even more if suffering doesn’t lead anything worthwhile. 

 So much of my time has been spent thinking about all of the ways I've been hurt (both on purpose or unintentionally) as there is always a lot to unpack in every wound you continue to pick on, whether consciously or not (also my masochist ass just has to pick the worst topic to dwell on). It doesn't help that I'm not the type to move quickly. I hold grudges, I barely forgive, and it takes me almost a lifetime to move past disappointment. Rumination is my best skill as much as it is my worst one. This is why I feel burdened most of the time, because I know that much of what I carry is what I need to let go of.

 It makes me wonder, why make an effort in relationships if there's always that possibility of them leaving? Why should we bother when everything is bound by impermanence? Why should we persist when in the end, all that is waiting for us is death? Well, I don't have objective answers to that, but I choose to believe that it's much better that we try to make the most out of what we have so that we end up not regretting anything. I think that I live for those fleeting moments of relief that come with trying, those moments where you think to yourself, "Wow, I'm glad I made certain choices that led to this."

 The stillness is not there for good, sure, and it feels as if it leaves long before I'm able to fully cherish it, but to be intermittently rewarded with peace because I made an effort is enough for me on most days.

 I also think that we will always get what we deserve in order to be the best version of ourselves, whatever the hell that means. I think the reason why growing hurts so much is that too often, what we deserve does not always coincide with what we want and what we think we need. We yearn for and ask the wrong people to fulfill our emotional needs. We go after experiences we think will bring us The Ultimate Feeling of Happiness, only to be greeted with the familiar emptiness that we always try so hard to avoid. And it sucks. 

 I don't have anything to say that will console anyone or me and there's no pep talk that comes after this (I wish there was). I'm just learning to accept that I won't always have the answers when I need them most. Instead of beating myself up for not knowing the solution immediately, I welcome the sadness. I don't avoid it or pretend it does not exist like we've been taught to do. I embrace the sadness, allow it to upset me and make me cry until I can no longer.

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This quarantine was extra harsh for you. Dealing with issues that you tried to avoid is emotionally taxing and mentally draining. And of top of that you are recovering from a breakup. I know it’s really hard for you. Most especially we are confined in our own homes so there’s really not much of a distraction. Always remind yourself that this feeling is temporary. That this phase in your life will come to pass. For now embrace that pain and make in linger. After all as the famous author John Green said pain demands to be felt. We can’t really skip the bad days in our life but we should learn to somehow accept that life is fleeting that not everything will come to our way. In this terrifying world all we have is the connections that we make. So don’t go repeat the past mistake that you did. Go make meaningful connections other people. Be brave, go out in your shell and experience the life that is ahead of you.