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[heliotricewrites]

#MercyLife

[heliotricewrites]

So. This is a weird one.

I have issues, let us just get that out there, probably not the most issues, or maybe even the most important, but they are my issues. What this post is for is me writing out what my issues are. Not in a self diagnosing way but rather as bullet points of what I know. - I’m really depressed and I have been so for the last 8 years. - I have a hard time feeling things, like, I feel distant and disconnected, I don’t know how happiness feels, I don’t know how it feels to enjoy something or such. As in, I don’t understand the feelings. - I’m transgender. That is not an issue. However feelings of dysphoria are. The idea that I can never be who I want to be. The feeling of people not accepting me. The thoughts of maybe I’m wrong in feeling I am not male. This brings me to the next one. - I have in lack of better words, crippling self doubt and anxiety. I repressed my gender identiy for 6 years even after knowing since I was 14 and had even partially come out to people. At slightest setback I may never get back to something. If I’m criticised in any way I may attempt to fundamentally change myself because of what someone said. I live in one of the most (if not the most) trans accepting countries in the world and yet I live in fear of being assaulted and raped as soon as I step aside. I can’t stop shaking when I try to leave the house, and I don’t even know what I am afraid of. - I need a fake social personality. I do YouTube videos, and when I say that I mean, rarely, because I need a lot of energy to put on a social face and then record and try to be funny or interesting. And try to be funny is a weird one considering the next one. - I am compulsively sarcastic or snarky. I have a hard time being genuine. I will instantly go for a joke even if I don’t want to make it. Because it is easier that way. - I know it is common for people to say they are socially awkward and sometimes I can make myself pass of as not that, but that is because of my constant obsessing over the situation. I cannot relax. I am constantly just thinking about the situation trying to get through it and that doesn’t really work too well. It gets stiff. I may stand when everyone sits down, I might just be silent and agree when asked something, I may go back to the previous point and make a snarky comment. There are few times when I am relaxed around people. - I don’t necessarily understand social cues as much as I have memorized it as a set of rules. A list. Facts. Something concrete.  - I haven’t done anything for 2 years. I finished school at the age of 18. I chose not to pursue further education. I chose to not work. I want to do something. But I don’t want to do either. I can’t push myself past this. - I can’t even do something with hobbies I want to do. I want to write. And yes sure I am writing now. But I have had an idea in my head for weeks and I just can’t bring myself to write it. I have similar issues with drawing. I visualize something only to not have motivation or skill to do it. - I, as stated in a previous post am trying to be a better person, less needlessly offensive, more considerate of others situations. But even this is hard for me. I am not very good at speaking about things that aren’t me as is really evident with this post. I try to shy away from problematic things I try to understand better. - I have certain weird quirks. Everyone does. I have a tendency to not be able to carry a normal conversation without making unnecessary noises, like an animal sounds for example. I make lists. Like this one. And more. I can’t play games without making lists usually. I have a folder on my desktop labled “lists” just full of word documents, most of which I don’t even use. But I need the affirmation. I need the facts documented somewhere besides my head. - I am, if it wasn’t obvious by now, quite self critical. I am perfectly aware of it. I hate myself for reasons I’d never dislike someone else for. I hate my body while I am all for body positivity. I will not hold back. - I get very stressed very easily. I have small attacks daily. Can be for the most minor things. This morning I nearly started crying because I hadn’t done my nails before having to leave the house. - I get stuck in routines. I cannot spontaneously decide things. If I am to meet someone I need to know about 2 or 3 days in advance usually. - I am paranoid. I should know better. I will believe people hate me. Probably for the stupidest reasons. I may be aware of this tendency. But I will wholeheartedly believe these things. - I am indecisive. I can spend hours trying to decide things to the point it becomes moot. This often goes back to my issue of not being able to really feel things. - I obsess. I spend time focusing on some things far too much. I’m a perfectionist without motivation and drive. -I can get rather angry or aggressive at times, often for no good reason or for too small of one. - I have been and I remain suicidal. My whens and why may shift whether it relates to my fear of growing up or stress, or perhaps my anger towards myself or my body for not being the girl I want to be. I may have forgotten things. I may have repeated myself. Regardless. This is who I am. And yes, this if focusing on inherently seen as negative qualities. I am most definitely flawed. I describe myself as shattered and broken. But my point is. We all are flawed, and I know that I will be the first to disregard this. To say that I am worthless nonetheless. I should know better. Yet here I am. Listing everything I can think of that I find to be wrong with me. Why? I don’t know. To write it out and vent? To reflect upon? To inform people about me? To channel my anger into something else? I don’t know. I know that in school I could never write. They told me you need to write and you need to speak and I told them. “I don’t know”, I say that a lot. Why? Because I genuinely don’t know, I can’t feel much, I lack motivation. But I want to do something, I want to be better. I want to be happy.