heidiseek

[heidiseek]

new rules 012319

I’m just gonna say shit on my mind now, names included...this blog is secret anyway right? but i say this as i type this on my phone so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ LOL

Jane started dating that guy...made me upset at first but I really am happy for her...if she found someone that can fill that void she’s been seeking or at least, curious about?

But getting over her won’t be easy as discovering these supressed emotions in recent months have made me start smiling again. I am happy around her, when I see her...little does she know right? GUHHH i will not be THAT guy though, never will.

She asked me to chill today, I introduced and we watched PORTLANDIA. She was having such a fun time...it makes me really happy I help create her chuckles and smiles at times...sometimes during out hangout, on the side of my eye, i can see her on her phone...but this one point in the evening...it looked like she was looking at me, not the tv or her phone...wishful thinking i guess.

she is very observant though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i wish she was looking at me though XD <3

jane...i have so much to tell you and i also don’t. sorry for being such a suck :p evening if you don’t or never will have the same feelings...blah

[heidiseek]

New Chapter 9.30.18

A lot has happened since I last check in here. I have a feeling I will continue writing these more frequently. It helps me get out quite a bit from my system that I may not be able to talk to about my friends. Even if I do, its better if I just say what I need to say, for myself since this blog is made for that reason...for myself and self reflection at the end of the day. Catch up The past year thus far has definitely been an emotional roller coaster for me. Earlier this year I was still hung up over my ex, D. It’s been 2 years since we broke up. The break up was mutual. She moved to Japan to teach English and we both decided to end things off for it to be fair to the both of us. I agreed because I wanted her to experience this “freedom” of living on her own without anyone holding her back. Not to run home after work to talk to me or have skype call. I wanted her to meet people and spend time with people. People she would eventually call friends after some time. I knew what she was going to experience was going to be special and it’s something I have always enjoyed when meeting people when I was younger. Those friends come in some unique places and some lasting longer than you expected. Anyway. I wasn’t over D. She was a very important person in my life, well, still is...though there’s a HUGE disconnect. We tried to remain friends the best we could but we had to move on from each other. We had to give us the space we needed for ourselves. We slowly stopped talking to each other on a daily basis. It was gradual but it sucked when I started to notice. I notice all the small details...not sure if that’s a good/healthy thing. This year marks the two years of us breaking up and in Spring, I was caught up with emotions of her coming back in September (this month). Feelings came rushing back and I knew they were grasping onto something I had and past emotions. Reality is that we both have changed and grown as individuals and the fantasy of us getting back together was all in made up in my head. We’re never getting back together. I believe, at the time I write this, I have fully moved on. I sent her a letter in April...my very last one. In it, I wrote what, I believe, was what I needed to say. That I was proud of her, of her accomplishments and with that, my closure. The moment I sent it, everything seemed to have been lifted off my shoulders. The emotional baggage I had been carrying felt super light and I felt like I could move on. As September rolled closer, I was getting some of that emotion rolling back and I hated it. Part of me wanted to meet up with her, part of me didn’t. She sent me a message sometime in June or July saying that her mom needed coffee. I was her supplier of coffee beans due to my sbux perks. LOL. But after that message...I skimmed the past times she started the conversation with me. Each time, she messaged me because she needed something...not so much exclusively with a hello, how are you. She included it too, as well as the need of my help with her computer, laptop or something that I helped her with when we were still together. Regardless, it stung. I wrote back about how I’d get the coffee to her mom but I also made sure to offer a meet up but have HER message me if she wanted to hang out. She left again on the 19th back to Tokyo for a artist in residency. She never messaged me. She never met up... :T oh well. Present During the pre-September jitters, I confided with two of my coworkers about the issue and they helped me by listening and providing feedback. One of them, J, has been super chill for the previous years I’ve known her. Something caught my eye about her a while ago but I needed to figure this stuff out with D as I never wanted to to view/treat J as a rebound or someone just to get my mind off D. I wanted the emotions I thought I had towards J to be genuine. It was the first time I felt any form of interest in someone else since the break up. I felt comfortable talking to J about these issues and was surprised how open I was about it with her. I like J because she seems to be the only person I have ever invited out for an event (sketch night, concerts, etc) and will give it a shot, even if its random. She enjoys trying new things, especially the weird things that I may enjoy. She also enjoys recreational drugs, like me. I started to feel super comfortable with myself vs. hiding some aspects of my life than sharing it with my previous partners. I feel when I realized my attraction to J was coming around. Things started making more sense of the person she is from knowing her the previous years. We have A LOT in common and I’m not sure why I never saw it earlier. She’s into art, currently taking art in school, plays video games, always down to party lol, she’s cute, knows how to dress...omg she dresses like how i wish i dressed (well the guy version) lol I just like her aesthetic. But a lot of these are bonus things. Mainly just love the fact I can be myself around her and just be my comfortable self. She invited me to an event (it was a rave at a church lol) yesterday earlier in the month and I agreed to attend. It was for her birthday celebration and she wanted me to go. I said yes without knowing what kind of music was going to be played (it was hard techno, stuff i used to listen to so it was a nostalgic night for me). The evening started by picking her up and heading down to the city via subway. On our way, I stopped for some mcD. We sat and chatted. We started talking and she opened up about some things about her. How she doesn’t keep relationships close. I guess a form of social anxiety. She told me about a past fling and how they reconnected but she doesn’t feel comfortable seeing him again. How during the meet, she was very blunt and mean but after reflecting, felt bad and wanted to say something but according to her, her personality says “what’s the point”...<--I see this later, but geared towards me... She continues tells me how self destructive she is when she parties, she literally lets loose and goes on a journey where the night takes her. We brought Molly along too last night and it was J’s first time meeting her.  I’ve met up with Molly many times in my life and after 4 years, it was nice to see her again. We walked around the city to explore some art installations and it was genuinely a nice time walking with her in the city, at night, which I knew J liked. We headed towards the venue and a brief game plan with Molly and what to expect. We took Molly and headed inside. It was empty. We’re such nerds. As the night progressed, J’s personality she was describing started to manifest into reality infront of me. She started walking away from me and dancing somewhere else in the room, she went around the corner and I wasn’t sure where it led but it was where the smokers went. She looked at me and said, “What?! why are you here?!” (I don’t normally smoke but I had cigars on hand)...”I’m just making sure you’re good”...”I’m fine” as she continues to have a cigarette. A moment of silence, I walk back inside. My legs start feeling like jelly. I start feeling it. :) I start dancing to speed up the process of my night. I find J again the crowd as more people attend. She moves away from me. So I go dance somewhere else all together. I get myself some water (my second bottle) and the bartender tells me “hey I’m an enviromentalist, just use the tap in the washroom (OMG, its something I used to do just forgot that was an option to save $$) besides, you never know how long water has been in these plastic bottles for” I replied “cheers, you’ll never sell me a bottle of water again to me tonight”...I dance for a bit...I look for J again to give her some water. She’s giving her number to random dudes who are all derped out of their minds and surrounding her. It looked like a gangbang in my eyes. I poke J and offer water, she looks at me and says nah and I’m like okay, so I walk away. I now realize the seriousness of what she told me earlier. Her letting loose and being self destructive to herself in that regard. Molly is trying to clear my head from emotions and it works unless I see it. I went to stand near the bar, away from the crowd. J finds me an asks if I am okay. and I said yeah. I offer a hug and she yells back “DON’T TOUCH ME”...”whoa, ok ok”...”please don’t touch me, its really hot”...”okay jeez” I walk away. A couple moments pass and I look for her again, shes not on the dance floor. Where is she? I walk near the bar, don’t see anyone...As i head back to the dance floor, from the corner of my eye, in the darkness..shes on some dude’s lap sitting on the floor. I THOUGHT IT WAS HOT...man i was vexed but fuck, it’s not like we’re dating, I was getting jealous obviously. She asked me out to go to this event but now I feel like I’m being used again. She just wanted to meet Molly and I was the middle man. “OH HEY I WANT YOU TO COME TO THIS PARTY...can you bring Molly? HOW ARE YOU”...sound familiar?... I mean I offered but it sucks when I attended mainly to ensure her safety. Fuck, I know she could take care of herself but whats wrong with a friend’s genuine concern. Whatever. She comes up to me and apologizes for ditching me. I was extremely hot and needed to cool down, I couldn’t talk so i said “it’s fine” It’s an odd response from me and I know she knew that. She replied back “I just feel bad”...”it’s fine”...”fine okay” *small glare*...ugh “I’m just in a weird state right now...I feel like I’m on wave 2″...”oh, its okay” We dance...separately...again. We meet up again in the smoking area out back and I asked if she’s good. She said “yeah, but the calm down sucks, I took 2 shots lol” “wanna do shots when we get back inside?” “sure ok”...we get back inside...”lets get shots” “nahh its gross mixed with mint (chewing gum” “common, 1 shot, dont let me drink by myself” “i had 2 already, pretending i had them with you” “its not the same thing” *gives me a look and turns around* wow J... I go up to the bartender and get a tequila shot. I take it... walk back to dance floor and I see her dancing with some other dudes... I leave the dance floor and goes to buy another shot, this time the bartender that served me water earlier is taking my order. She takes a shot with me. I think at this point I was feeling extremely lonely...didn’t feel like talking to anyone as no one was really interacting with me. Within 20min I had 4 more shots of tequlia. Meeting Natasha (the bartender) was the best interaction I had all night. She gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek for the tips haha! Oh the most human interaction I’ve had in a long time LOL. I tipped her $20 on my final shot since she had the same amount of shots with me all night. I started not to care anymore, I started having more fun. I saw J sitting on a chair by herself (finally) and I walk up to her and just ask, “so, have lots of conversations today?” “yeah im being more social than normal” “thats Molly for you” “yeah” ...I continued on with a speech about how grateful I was that she invited me out, how much of an important person she has become in my life, how she should understand her own worth...etc etc...”aww its really nothing” “its nothing to you but its a lot to me” The night came to an end and J was asking if she wanted to get me a ride home and I said nah, I’m gonna make sure you’re home safe. She said I didn’t have to and I’m like, I know. She got the hint I wasn’t leaving so she made me hang out with her and these guys she just met. One of them tagged along as we walked back to the DT core. I stayed silent the WHOLE walk as the two conversed. I was in my own little world. We hop back onto the subway and head back to suburbia. The guy gets off at his station. “I’ll see you when I see you...maybe next week” said J. fml I get up and sit next to J for the rest of the subway ride. We have short conversations between stations but its mainly silence. She eventually said that I shouldn’t get too attached...its better of this way. I knew what she was talking about but at the same time, I played it off like “lol whatever” We get off at the final stop and head back to the parking lot where I parked my car. On the car ride home I asked her how she liked her experience...she also apologized again for ditching and i responded that it would have bothered me but since you told me earlier in our conversation that thats what you do...it didn’t matter because you can’t change who you are and you shouldn’t say sorry for it....she also said that it was the best birthday she had. I responded with a high five and thanked her for letting me be apart of it. I arrive at her house and before she leaves my car she says “I know I may have sounded like I was joking earlier but I wasn’t...Don’t get too attached, I don’t want to be responsible for other people’s feelings” “ok, well...happy birthday anyway” I give her a hug, she leaves my car and I head home. I attempt to sleep but manage to get 1hr only...I continue to roll around for 3 hours...I let one out just relieve some stress...helps a bit but that shits temporary. I just get up and venture out to do some errands for the day. Sbux, Ikea and Currys. I get home and sleep for 4 hours. Tomorrow is a new day I guess. fml This crush ended before it started. But..I don’t want it to end. I don’t wanna give up on this one just yet.

[heidiseek]

2018.002

I glanced at all these entries and im so pathetic. I need to try to stay positive. ps: i still love you

[heidiseek]

2018.001

Man its a been a while... New year...and I feel great...for the most part... I’ve been going to the gym again. Started to spend less on materialistic things/items...but still buying things that cost a lot at the same time..how does that make sense LOL I guess in terms of my “collector” self, I haven’t splurged a whole lot on things...which I’m pretty proud of but I find myself spending on things like this new mic i got...the at2020...along with a stand and audio interface... now I want a new camera...dslrs are too big...p&s is too basic...im looking at a mirrorless...*rolls eyes* I have a feeling why Im doing this... I SERIOUSLY FUCKING MISS THIS GIRL ugh... Never goes a day when I don’t think about her...everywhere I go, everything I do, i think about how we used to do things together but now its just a memory and I always wonder, what is she thinking, what is she doing...is she happy? is she seeing anyone?...but this sounds so fucking creepy at the same time...So i drown myself in things to do or occupy my time with...and spending $$ rather than saving it...am i happy? i dont even know. I keep torturing myself...every time i see one of her posts or snaps...is she with someone? who’s taking the pictures? are they friends? has she moved on? i swear, I’m never going to find someone like this one...did I fuck up? am i fucked up? Im 32, still living at home, not enjoying my adult life cuz i still feel like im treated like a kid half the time...but the other half doesn’t do anything about it...i want to..im trying but i feel so lost without this girl... I feel like our spark in our conversations have disappeared...they have... I feel like our conversations are so forced, basic and boring....they are... I feel like its my fault. That I’m trying too hard...trying to be cool...trying to look successful and happy when I’m really not....I really am not. Could she be busy with her students and lessons? Yeah, definitely. How often does she converse with her friends back home...I don’t know... I hate how I haven’t gotten over you and I’ve only come to realize a lot of things over these past few years you’ve been trying to shed light on when we were together. There’s so many things I’d change, small things but those small things are some of the most important ones...the wallpaper on my phone to a picture of us...doing more hobbies you’d enjoy rather being a stubborn old man and just netflix n chill...ive never been skiing..why did i not ever go skiing with you, you love skiing...shit so many things have crossed my mind since you went to japan. I regret my decisions. I slacked off...I never fulfilled the ambitious goals i set for myself when you met me...I had goals but i became too comfortable and made you my goal even though I had you...those goals faded because I became too comfortable...I lost my path because I felt invincible with you by my side. I know it was for the best of us but my world crashed. I cried for two days after i sent you off at the airport. Sometimes i feel like this was a way to break up with me but i highly doubt it because its just my self esteem putting these thoughts into my head...is it really that low? still? I have to...get my shit together this year...I really need to get a grip of what I want and need to do...the gym is a start for me, personally...next I need to tackle my art as hard as I can because I’ve been prolonging my career for almost 4 years. I can’t be at the same spot I am in when you left. I JUST CAN’T... I need this for me...as you needed it for you. thats why we broke up. simple. right? I fucking miss you sweet cheeks. I fucking miss you so much...

[heidiseek]

2016.003

I just read my description...I found heidi...but she “saw” my message but never replied..I guess she has decided to bury the past and not remember as much as I did....which is fine...Just would have been cool if she remembered how cool i thought the idea was meeting people around the world on the internet..when the internet was still young :P

[heidiseek]

2016.002

I haven’t been here in a while. 2 nights ago, i lost her...as I said in my previous post... However long it has been since my last post, I still feel the same. I know there are steps that need to be taken and I feel like I am still rushing myself..more so now than ever to get things done but I am never in the mood to do it. WHY AM I SO LAZY... I have, however, cleaned up a bit of my desk at home as well as the table behind me..just to distract me from the break up...the past 4 + years have been amazing...she has taught me so much, inspired me and made me FEEL i wanted to do more...but I never did anything with my life...but here she is...pursuing her dreams from when she was younger and traveling all around the world to accomplish those goals...I wish her nothing but the best but man...What if i were different...if i was as motivated as the year I graduated from school...when I would get things done without missing a heart beat...when my creative levels would producing something in a few hours rather than days and weeks for a simple idea....maybe that was what she was attracted to...maybe thats why we fell apart..maybe thats why she left and we agreed to separate...the man she knew has faded and my true colours began to shine...excuse after excuse and here i am..alone...and loosing potentially the most amazing individual who i have ever met who has...had the same amount of love i gave her, give right back at me... I don’t think I’ll ever find someone as amazing as her...she was my everything and im still in denial as i fall apart even further into my lack of motivating life... but can i overcome this jump? or am i just going to repeat everything that has been happening in my degrading life after graduation (career wise)... Please let me be motivated again...if not for her...for me...because i miss that person i was developing into as well... I am so sorry...

[heidiseek]

2016.001

I feel pathetic...the feeling when you know you have to get shit done but you still remain seated and do nothing...there has to be a word out there that describes this... im lazy...but i dont want to be so why do do anything about it? i dont know. worries and risks? nah i am holding myself back i am also going to lose her this year :(

[heidiseek]

2015.004

I was in the wrong on my previous post. I am an asshole. While we are on that note. This one is to another person I have known from 03-12-ish. I am both upset and glad you are out of my life. There were things I wish I could share with you, there were days when I wish I could give you shout. But you cut the rope. A rope we were working on for 9 years and a few moments we hit our 10th, we hit some rocks. I still held onto the rope, hoping to fix it one day. I admit, it was not a priority and maybe it should have been...but it wasn’t for me...and it wasn’t for you. You let go completely. It hurt but I probably have done some damage too. That’s okay. But like I said, I get upset sometimes. We were good. I guess somethings don’t last as we thought when we were younger. We were full of smiles and laughter. Inside jokes and all that fun stuff...We were great, everyone knew this. I had the longest crush on you...even when we were past that conversation. For the 9 years...I failed to impress you to the point when you made your decision...I never knew what I saw in you in the first place... Just remember this. I disagreed with you on something, for the first time ever. I did not approve because....you know...I KNEW EXACTLY HOW SHE FELT...TO BE SHRUGGED OFF AND YOUR PARTNER BE TAKEN BY SOME OTHER DUDE...Don’t give me that bullshit of “how can you say that” or “you are not in my position” or “i was just being me, and was not flirting with no one” YOU ARE A FLIRTY PERSON...WE HAD MANY INSIDE JOKES ABOUT SEXUAL CONTEXTS. lf, 1/8th, naughty things EVERYWHERE. I did not and will not ever believe that bullshit you told me that day. YOU KNEW how much i struggled with that SHIT between ML/LD/DP and myself..jeezus FUCK!!! you helped me through all that...thanks but to understand it? i guess not. Look. I’ve tried to be with you for years but it never worked...when you had issues with your boy toys, i would talk to you and listen...did they work out? no...i dont know why but they never seem to do so. BUt THIS ONE did...cuz im not there to help talk to you...we had a good m/f bff relationship but now...you have become to gullible and in denial of everything. I hope you are enjoying your fantasy world..i wish i could just wake you the fuck up but you will never understand what you have caused me. fuck you, seriously fuck you. fuck me as well...fuck me for missing our friendship to the point where typing this shit hurts...FUCK what a clusterfuck HI!!!! i burned our enchanted forest. It does not exist anymore.

[heidiseek]

2015.003

Is there something wrong with me? Is there something I say that is upsetting? Perhaps I could have reworded it a bit...maybe?... My gf mentioned to me how she was about to give her dog some of her left overs tonight but the issue is that they (her and her family) had to put the dog down last week. I replied “aww...” and asked if they kept all his things...dish trays, bed, etc. She said they had to get rid of it because they had no use for it anymore. I said that’s tough but I cannot really relate because I never had a pet for as long as they have had their dog. She said, in return, “haha well that wasn’t very comforting” “I didn’t know what else I could say, I also didn’t want to ignore it either” “Ouch” so maybe I wasn’t being what she needed? I am tired of this game to be honest... We have a wonderful time a day or so before. We’re at our best She brings up something that I don’t have the best response for in her eyes. I end up trying to figure out what I said wrong. Hints are given but never really explained. I then THINK of some way to apologize for upsetting her. Turns out, its not even the reason why I thought. Perhaps how I say it? Blah, I am tired of it I have told you if you needed anything or comfort, I will be there and will do my best to give it to you regarding this issue. Okay, I may have given a blunt response towards it but I don’t think my intentions were not clear. I would never put anyone on the spot like that even if I knew they were trying to comfort me in someway. It may suck but something is better than nothing. My performance at work was poor today. Had too much stuff on my mind. My manager was on vacation and so another manager came in on Monday to do payroll. I came in on the Sunday (day before) to write down/cash in my vacation hours. Turns out the other manager forgot to put it in this week’s payroll so I’ll get it in the next pay cheque (in 2 weeks). I worked 10 hours last two weeks hoping to get a regular pay cheque this week but turns out i am probably only going to get like 150 bucks (minus taxes). Man I suck at saving... I also have a table to prep for. To sell some artwork at a convention next month. I am also looking for a new job. My district and regional managers were in the store today and noticed my performance...it was extremely poor. felt bad but too much on my mind... Still question my capabilities as a boyfriend...man!!!! fuck lol

[heidiseek]

2015.002

OH SNAP, I did an illustration today and everyone seems to love it. But seriously, this always happens...and I fall into this endless cycle of not doing anything with my life after the event I am prepping for. I’m just going to leave it at that this time. I can’t promise anything anymore, not this time. I’ve let myself down too much over the years...I can’t do this to myself. :( ...again...

[heidiseek]

2015.001 Hello

I’ve been around, but I decided to make a completely new blog just to talk about things and get off my chest...good and bad. I used to blog almost everyday but then I stopped. I have no idea why but there are times when I miss it. This blog is mainly dedicated to my future self. I reflect a lot and and when I read previous posts, it brings me back to a time when I had opinions, thoughts and concerns about nothing and everything. It’s been almost 8 years since my last post on LJ and I did not want to continue from that account. You see, by making this account. I can freely talk about anything on my mind without having restrictions on who reads it or who can read it. This is for me but if people stumble on this page, that would be okay too. I hope from all this, I can blog about things on my other accounts related to what it is I do. What do I do? I am an artist but I would like to keep those accounts related to that field. I just want to write about things again. My daily experiences and experiences I had in the past. I guess this is a continuation of my “diary” in secret. LOL. Anyway, this is my first post...so here we go :)