hedonisticsidefringe

[hedonisticsidefringe]

[hedonisticsidefringe]

from @harlothands on ig .

[hedonisticsidefringe]

for a few days i thought i didn’t an to be an actor anymore. but the truth is i love it soo so much.

the anxiety i felt was from excitement and anticipation. which is good. i just feel like i drank a monster and just gotta sit and stare yk like i wanna create i want to become.

the dread and despise i felt was from feeling like i had to follow the path or many famous actor a to be successful. but this was of my own making. there’s so much of the industry that i don’t see.

the multifaceted creatives (olsen twins, chloe sevigny, even maybe sophia coppola & briefly ayo) don’t get treated like idols in the limelight bc they are quiet they are seen. they make sure they are heard and seen for who they are. so who i’m mainly seeing. isn’t who i wnated to become. and i say this despise is that of my own making because i just needed someone to follow so i saw success and i saw fame and intertwined them to one and then despised those who had both. but i don’t despise creatives and performers who make what they want to see. i just envy their privilege (either being white and rich or already in the industry) or despise the example they set by living their lives (oooo…..) but they didn’t make thsi example. i made an example out of them. but they don’t need to be. i don’t need to follow anyone’s footsteps. i only need to follow my heart and follow the art.

i trust that u will work with amazing episodes that know me and know what i want and that i’ll be satisfied. i’ve just been out of practice so long i forget i love to perform. i also criticize myself too harshly. but confidence will get me places. not hate. but i’m the type of person who forgets abt things. like out of sight out of mind. prob why i can’t do long distance i need to touch feel and see and experience.

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i’ve been thinking of artists un-self-published works (amy winehouse hidden treasures & kafka unpublished). 

and i think a part of me feels it’s perverse and intrusive. especially with perfectionist creatives (like myself). to know that i thought of something incomplete and not good enough, and it being shared with the world for critique enjoyment and just consuming;i would feel splayed bare for the crows. scared, vulnerable, and without my protective amour that i’ve created by editing and changing and ig beating myself up about it again and again. begging myself to be better than i am. (enter that quote about why do u hate/critique ur art so much and it’s bc it’s made by you DAMN!)it’s intimate. to show people, especially whom you don’t know, a part or side or yourself that it’s hard for you to love dearly and wholeheartedly. 

but another side of me sees it as a great opportunity for these artists to release their fears in death. i can imagine an “it doesn’t matter. i can’t hear the criticism bc i’m dead anyway” so to be vulnerable in death. to not fight so hard to be perceived in some way. to love yourself as you are and allow people to love you as you are. 

it’s beautiful, intricate and perverse. 

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need

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i’m such a person for slow and long lasting pleasure. like i don’t like quick satisfaction. it feels boring and like my brain is on fire. i like a bit of longing, desire and want.

that’s who i’ve been my whole life. so to just get it feels like it’s not worth anything. the longing and the distance, the air between me and my desire, is the desire. and when i get it, i like to drag it out. feel the yearning finally touch my flesh and not just be done with it so quickly. or else it will mean nothing to me. i’m a very slow paced in the way i receive pleasure..whatever that may be.

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i think i am hedonistic but not in the way i avoid things that r difficult…..actually maybe..

i think i enjoy complex and complicated and nuanced conversations but when it comes to action..idk

i think hedonism is seen very badly bc ppl are catholic and hate themselves. but i can do something that i don’t particularly enjoy that i know will benefit me later. the avoidance hurts more than simple pleasures ever could satisfy me.

[hedonisticsidefringe]

Forgive yourself for the things that turned you into a ghost. Let me watch you love yourself solid again.

- Caitlyn Siehl

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How do we tell the sea that we are drowning on land?

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[hedonisticsidefringe]

“More love is found in grief than in love itself.”

—Lang Leav, September Love

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— Edna St. Vincent Millay, from a letter to Arthur Davison Ficke featured in Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay.

[hedonisticsidefringe]

[hedonisticsidefringe]

Something in me wants more. I can't rest.

— Sylvia Plath, from “The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.”

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fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s ‘we were put on this earth desperate, hungry and willing.’

[text id: in a sharp set of knives, i looked for a hand to hold. / i could not stop myself from needing to belong somewhere, even if that somewhere was a burial ground.]

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Notes left on Kafka’s grave, currently stored at the Ruth Bondy Archive in the National Library of Israel. Translations and transcripts under the cut:

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