heckticeclectic - Tumblr blog

[heckticeclectic]

So the worst part for me about being wildly too intense in my parasocial relationships, is I am way too self-aware of all of it. I know I only want to be with this person I'm fixated on because I see all the traits I'd want in a partner in them. I know I don't actually know them at all. I don't make collages for this hell site or try to contact them or make thirst traps. Sure I consume the content and I feel that isn't ethical either because I know this person probably hates this content exists at all. The hardest part for me is I just see this person as a man who actually has empathy and respect for his partners and that seems impossible to find. That itself is enough to make me feel devastated I'll never find someone like him. I spent 3.5 years in an abusive relationship dreaming of this small-time nerdy Youtuber. I tried to lucid dream so I could talk to my imaginary version of him for fucking Christ's sake. I am with a new guy who I've just realized also doesn't have the kindness I see in my hyper fixation. I know I've turned this person into an idol and in the magical world where I'd be dating them, I'd still be me, with all my pain and baggage. It wouldn't fix everything but in spite of all that logic, some deluded part of my brain can't let go of the idea that I would be happy.

A man with empathy seems to be an elusive cryptid. /s

(I know I just pick bad men and there are tons of good ones, but I keep trying desperately and can't seem to get it down so thems my feelings. There are plenty of good dudes. Im just a failure.)

[heckticeclectic]

A set of stamps based on various North American cryptids