heavy-pudzu

[heavy-pudzu]

*hug*

*hug*

[heavy-pudzu]

Hi I guess. U good?

BARELY.

[heavy-pudzu]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M SCARED ANYMORE. NO FUCK IT I KNOW I AM.

I'M SCARED. I'M SO SCARED CONSTANTLY. IT DOESN'T STOP.

IT STRANGLES ME EVERY TIME I TRY TO BREATHE FRESH AIR. IT BREAKS MY LEGS WHEN I TRY TO RUN AWAY. IT SMOTHERS EVERYTHING I CARE ABOUT.

[heavy-pudzu]

FUCK. FUCKING FUCK.

JUST LET ME FUCKING DIE. PLEASE. JUST LET ME GO. MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP.

MAKE IT STOP. GET IT OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD.

MAKE IT STOP BEFORE I CAN'T HOLD IT ANYMORE.

MAKE IT STOP BEFORE I DO WHAT THEY SAID WAS BEST FOR ME.

MAKE IT STOP BEFORE I CAN'T GET UP FROM MY NEXT BREAKDOWN.

PLEASE. IT HURTS. IT FUCKING HURTS.

[heavy-pudzu]

this is something that has to be said gently, calmly.

You will understand.

I said I wanted to know every issue so that I can be here for support, "full honesty" I called it. what I want hasn't changed, and I'm not upset.

you asked me not to look, to enjoy myself.

but I did.

if you want to know why I can provide two answers:

I'm selfish and curious

I get no greater satisfaction or joy than being here for you and making you happy.

If the song holds true, I'm sorry.

[heavy-pudzu]

I ENABLED ASKS.

GO OFF, I GUESS.

[heavy-pudzu]

AND NOW MY STOMACH HURTS AGAIN

FUCK.

[heavy-pudzu]

SEE, YOU SAY "LOW RISK ISOLATED ENVIRONMENT"

BUT I DON'T THINK LITERALLY ALL OF MY SHITASS FRIENDS, SEVERAL PARTNERS, MY VERY PUBLIC STATUS, AND LIKE TWO VENT CHANNELS COUNTS AS ANY OF THAT.

PLUS, I'M STILL BITCHING AND MOANING FOR NO REASON.

[heavy-pudzu]

AND ON THAT NOTE

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO VENT AND BITCH AND WHINE TO EVERYBODY THE INSTANT SOMETHING DOESN'T GO MY WAY, I'M LIKE A SQUEALING LITTLE SHIT OF A KID SCREAMING AT ALL OF ITS FRIENDS THAT IT WANTS A NEW TOY.

AND SAID LITTOE SHIT DOESN'T STOP FUCKING SCREAMING UNTIL IT GETS WHAT IT WANTS OR EVENTUALLY GETS OVER UTSELF AND CHOJES DOWN ITS UPSETNESS OVER THAT TOY LIKE AN ADULT.

[heavy-pudzu]

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

WHY DO I NEVER HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GET THINGS I ENJOY. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONLY BROKE GIRL IN THE FRIEND GROUP, WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE A MOOCH EVERY TIME I ASK FOR SOMETHING, WHY CAN'T I JUST MAKE MYSELF USEFUL AND TAKE MY DRIVER'S TEST AND GET A JOB AND A CAR. FOR ONCE I WANT TO BE ABLE TO KNOW THAT SOMETHING I ENJOY IS WITHIN REACH AND REASON, I WANT JUST ONE FUCKING THING I LIKE AND WANT TO BE COMPLETELY SAFE FOR ME TO HAVE AND AFFORDABLE ENOUGH FOR ME TO GET. FUCKING FUCK.

[heavy-pudzu]

I'LL EVEN PIN THAT SHIT TO MAKE LIFE EASIER

[heavy-pudzu]

BY THE WAY YOU CAN COMMENT HERE IF YOU WANT. IT'S NOT LIKE ANYBODY ELSE IS SEEING THIS.

[heavy-pudzu]

I SHOULD SAY. IT ISN'T JUST MY BOYFRIEND, THIS MORON JUST GETS HARD CUDDLING ANYONE I LIKE OR EVEN FOR NO REASON.

[heavy-pudzu]

READON NUMBER FUCKING WHATEVER THAT I WANT MY DICK OFF:

I DON'T EXACTLY APPRECIATE THE EMOTIONAL CONFLICT OF CONSTANTLY BEING HORNY ALREADY, BUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER GETS HARD ON ITS OWN FOR NO REASON, AND IT ESPECIALLY LIKES ANNOYING ME WHEN I'M JUST CUDDLING MY BOYFRIEND OR HAVING A SERIOUS EMOTIONAL MOMENT. I'D SAY FUCK THIS THING BUT AT THIS POINT IT DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE INDIDE ANYONE.

[heavy-pudzu]

AND YOU. MOOSE. WHAT KIND OF MINDLESS SEWAGE EATING PISS DRINKING AIDS RIDDLED BRAINWORMED IDIOT ALMOST TRIES TO KILL HIMSELF AND LOSES HIS PATHETIC-ASS WALNUT OF A MIND AT HIS FRIENDS AND STORMS OUT OVER A GODDAMNED POWER CABLE.

ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU ABLE TO GET ANYTHING THROUGH YOUR SKULL NUMBNUTS?

SEE THIS? THIS IS YOU WHEN ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY NEGATIVE HAPPENS:

ASSHOLE.

[heavy-pudzu]

"I really don't feel good"

"Don't kill yourself"

"Its ok I won't please calm down"

"aaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

[heavy-pudzu]

AND NOW ALL MY FUCKING APPS ARE BREAKING.

WHAT KIND OF AN ASS FESTIVAL IS MY INTERNET TO THE POINT THAT THE STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY OF MY APPS GETS REDUCED TO THE LEVEL OF PERFORMANCE OF A BRAINDEAD GORILLA TRYING TO SWIM IN A VOLCANO.