havekidstheysaid-blog

[havekidstheysaid-blog]

Sleep deprived and a little crazy. What a woman!

You know that feeling when you're driving down a hill and you suddenly get to the bottom and your stomach does that weird funny flip? Well having kids is like that but you don't ever get to the bottom and the brakes on the car have been cut and you're terrified and not quite sure if you're going to make it out alive.... exactly like that!

My name is *insert witty, mysterious, fun and trendy pseudonym here* and I was blessed with my first child ten (10) gloriously exhausting months ago.

You know when people say "you get what you can handle", yeah well I obviously can't handle much because here I have this beautifully sweet, chilled out little boy and I'm rocking back and forth in the corner, twitching everytime one of the toys randomly starts fucking singing and dreaming of murdering my husband in one of three (3) scenarios.

A) I'm a patient of a sleep study and in my dreams I go on a murderous rampage through the streets of Brisbane, killing only dads who say stupid shit like *yawn "I think I should go to the drs and get some valium as I'm not sleeping very well"... this triggers my rage fire and BAM dead husband.

I awake from the dream and the camera pans to a woman in a straight jacket in a padded cell laughing meniacally... the woman is me... and you realise that the director M. Night Shyamalan'ded the shit out of it and it wasn't a dream... this suddenly turned in to a movie plot somehow so I ran with it.

B) I'm standing over him, he's asleep on the lounge at the other end of the house. I'm armed with a teething toy, an empty baby bottle and the baby monitor.... I literally have no weapons other than my creepy death stare and the sound of my teeth grinding. I look at his useless man nipples and twist them, twist them until they bleed... can you bleed to death from a nipple cripple? Perhaps a little far fetched unlike scenario A).

C) He trips over any number of toys that now are squatting in my house, he hits his head.... you think thats the end but he wakes and all of the toys have him surrounded. He knows this is pay back for stepping on and breaking that toy phone. I didn't see it, he screams but his cries would not be heard and they will show him no mercy tonight.

Yeah so any one of those ways would work.

The birth of our son was hands down the most earth shattering and spectacular thing that has ever happened... ever.. not just to me but to everyone. I now realise though that there is a price to such a miracle and it comes out in the form of SDMSD (Sleep Deprived Mummy She Devil)... sounded kinkier as an acronym, I know.

I miss the days where you sleep in until 2pm... I mean it's just an economical cost saver really... while asleep, I'm not spending money and in fact I've just saved money by not needing breakfast or lunch.

You know the days of the Saturday self shame spiral hangovers, where you remember convincing everyone to have a tequila shot and the thought of tequila then made you throw up in your mouth a little? Yeah I dont miss that so much but I do miss the 17 hours of sleep that would follow a night like that.

I sometimes dream about going back in time and grabbing the shoulders of my younger self and violently shaking her, screaming "just take the fucking nap, are you crazy! You will never nap like this again".

Anyway for now, all this talk of sleep is making me tired so I'm going to put my phone down, turn over, get comfy and count to 13... then cue baby to sing me the songs of his people.

I have a psychic spawn who know the very second that I've started to relax.