hauntedmoon519

[hauntedmoon519]

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

if i pretend i am okay

everything is okay

i am not okay

i am bad

i am not good enough and

i am never enough and

i am nothing

i am unworthy unwanted

im fine im fine im fine

i am nothing

i am not worth your time

i am worth nothing

i am nothing nothing more than fucking nothing

im okay im okay im okay

[hauntedmoon519]

clumsy to lack in skill and/or physical coordination

as a terrible creature nay a monster maybe i will never meet another one of my kind as my soul is an ocean and you hesitate to dive in so sit in the sand and let the water tickle your feet i will stay obscured in the waves and storm clouds

i am forced to meet everyone else where they are at across and away come meet me where i am in the fiery eye of the storm i dare you

dizzy till im sickened to my stomach i spin and spin and spin so that i can hopefully fly fly fly away far away from here you should come with me

what will you do when you find me across from you under the lights i will never be confident again.

[hauntedmoon519]

if i had wings that werent made of scrap rusted metal and were large and feathery like that of an angel every time we'd hug i would wrap them around you so softly and tightly to keep you safe and warm in my embrace

youre a fantastic conductor

[hauntedmoon519]

in the middle of the clearing there is a space for you i stand out the least i need to stand out the least you gave up on your fucking lifeblood so when i paid in blood is that so wrong there are things given and i am not a thing who has been given experience is my demon because no matter how hard i try i always will be second fiddle or second bass to be more fitting i am so unfunny to fail forward hell all i seem to do is fail so dream small and forget about me i will do as i always have fail pull up dust off fail again because soldiers do not stop moving like a scratched disc disk? disc. soldiers cannot fail so i keep pushing on through the thorns and the glass shards they scrape and hurt i am hurt hurting i fail.

[hauntedmoon519]

ive been upgraded

from consolation to

fill in the blanks

you will not fill me in

there are better funnier words

to fill your high

my eyes drip kohl

no one sees how it stains

and lingers it

clouds me until

i will float away without

anyone realizing i

am gone unmissed

no one wants to hear a bass solo

substitute

consolation bassist

i ran away from the

audition i knew the

spotlight would hurt me

unlike how it fuels you

not as much as i

hurt myself playing

but i know i know

put in more hours more

practice learn learn and

struggle sweat bleed

for no reason other than

that it hurts to hurt and

to hurt feels good

because the punishment of the styx

was not enough for me

how ironic.

the table is full ill wait

for it to empty and yet it

never will

let's not do this

tonight i know we'll never

do it so why even bring

it up ill bury it

deeper and deeper each

damn day

so ill strike a match again

feel the cigarette burn into my

skin once more and

the thorns wrap around me as i

scratch my skin from the inside out

clawing digging every night i claw

and scratch and dig hands soaked

drenched they drown i drown

i drown in the sound even though it is my

safety blanket

have fun with your gigs with

your fame and glitz the glamour that

will taste of dom perignon and roe

of rosewater and black sesame tuilles

i will consign myself to the empty

as i always have

ill cry and sob for no one to hear

not even you

and hide once more behind

masks upon veils upon masks

unable to be seen even by you

lick lips, taste blood

suffocation blankets warmth

births iced bones and

broken inside internal hemorrhage

[hauntedmoon519]

there is a secret i keep buried in my chest next to my heart next to you and is that i would do things unspeakable of for you because love is sacrifice and betterment coupled with smiles and kisses it is staring into the eyes of your other half and knowing youd do anything for them and now you know my secret

[hauntedmoon519]

ive spent the past few months staring at a script. its listful and quiet. its very quiet. but theres noise if you look close enough. i havent filmed it. not that its any good or worth filming but it sparked an idea. how do you capture dynamism in words. the fluidity of time slowing in the middle of an action, that split second before a punch connects, the moment the music you make clicks. ive only heard about it and maybe ive experienced it but from what i know thats reserved for those with talent. ive heard time slows to a halt when it happens. that you perceive everything at once always forever and yet you still move. you still breathe. its a point of pure silence and quiet in the middle of an explosion. that soft breath after the rolling thunder. how am i supposed to feed my brain and turn it into words.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GHhgrF3_DCGju40yVddvM3Jeuy7vD9xzTmAhGHRXAe8/edit?usp=sharing

[hauntedmoon519]

devour.

to improve you must kill and steal nick what is not yours because you were fed and i am starving

eyes snap forward watching prey when someone you love evolves you have no choice but to evolve and yet and yet

i am devouring everything with no choice in the m a t t e r i snap fingers the same way the sticks click the same way the strings clack on purpose but

you will never know you will find the ponytailed boy with his glimmering red base of fire and childish mistakes and you will not understand what i am saying so go ahead and kiss your girl in glasses with her black guitar how basic wouldnt it be? if you were to forget your promises and remember your faults

unfathomable, remember? unfathomable and irrelevant how apt and ironic i think how ironic would it be to forget your shadow

i have found a title for myself and my condition the void eater. the ability nay the curse to empty out nothing without being filled in a skyless eternity how does nothing devour nothing without creating a dark hole of infinity?

i devour myself because you have never had to kill she threatens you and you embrace the opportunity cry me a fucking river

go ahead and chase the rabbits they are less scary than foxes and stray cats you love rabbits and yet you found a stray cat with a missing ear overshadowed by light and forgotten again again again

you left the princess she cried and cried weeping no sobbing hoping you would return she turned into lightning and wind so always when you hear thunder be cursed forevermore in her wails oh holy prince

devoured.

[hauntedmoon519]

start from bras

good little girls do not complain

first position load and hold shh shh shh let the snow stain over with your knuckles and cough what you have given so that you can give us more with a snap of my fingers

second position steel yourself rack and slide your finger over it and breathe breathe in deep ignore the whips ignore the barbs and thorns and cuts and laceration ignore every piercing bolt of agony because you are iron my daughter you are nothing more than my iron

third position ah ah ah do not lick your lips and teeth with that venomous tongue of yours ts ts ts squeeze those handles for me and feel it squish lose it lose it lose it you are you are you are not not not mine.

fourth position sightlines sightlines sightlines what are you going to do when you realize that they sought me out and you didnt will you feel so terrible and awful that you want to make me feel like i am one of a kind because i know the god damned truths of you and for me line up the the the shot shot shot and and and.

fifith position smoke and wind thunder fire.

[hauntedmoon519]

spiced cake, maple glaze

it's getting colder now

and i seem to be

thinking about holding your hand

to keep me warm

it's getting colder now

and your christmas gift is

on my mind oh

good grief whatever am i to do

is a one person show of

a christmas carol riddled in

jokes and grins

good?

it's getting colder now

and i burned my fingers

melting and molding glass

into gems for you

because diamonds are too expensive

and they mean nothing to me

because i made you something small and

imperfect but

full of loaded with how

much i love you

it's getting colder now

and yet i seem to find my

cheeks reddening pink tinged

warm

when i am with you

i like to nap with you

only with you because

i feel safe in my slumber

in your soft embrace

it's getting colder now

so kiss me

under the mistletoe, lovergirl of mine

i hope you enjoy it

[hauntedmoon519]

my lion tamer

when i was a little girl in short pants and curled pigtails i wandered the circus amidst adrift the tents and horns the cheers i found a quiet spot a nook behind a fence you can see me from behind the fence i saw a lion a massive cat a beast something so dangerous with missing teeth pointed claws it had eyes like mine eyes so empty and hollow and yet it was calm i crawled through the fence and tore my skirt put my hand through its mane you should cut your hair darling, you look like a lion he yawned and so did i sleeping cats oft cradle together nesting balls the lion tamer had wide eyes soft hands lips curling into a smile a toothed grin je vois que deux petits chats se sont retrouvés avec moi c'est vraiment adorable i held him close to me even though he scratched and clawed i learned his name his story the feral one i am a lion and you are a lion tamer coexisting and cohabiting a space for limitless joy and yet i seem to be a defenceless cat with you i have trimmed out my mane claws filed down but i am still your lion

[hauntedmoon519]

empty stage

you s(l)ip on

prideful booze loose and

inhale my inferiority

it should burn like ashen fire

coupled with off kilter

off key notes for you

you, hubris filled attention seeker

when winter comes

and you stand up on the

stage will you

look for me

yes of course of course

you are a terrible liar and

you promised to protect me

from myself

i am bleeding out

no i dont think you will

youll look for your dream

high school toxic ex

and forget all

all all all about

what you missed

more than that

what you willingly

forgot.

[hauntedmoon519]

you have upgraded to digital the best newest fastest and yet i still roll on film storm clouds lose you so when the sun comes out and hubris chokes itself liminal haunting i am a ghost you can be selfish that is allowed as your songs do not be of me and nor do your clothes your words so go ahead go ahead and give up i will just consign myself to this darkroom and drown i have no place to cry.

smoking rolled film reels it is a roasted grained orange and auburn it chars itself in memories lost adrift to addictive hazes goddamn goddamn they will flock to you like carrion feeders to a mangled corpse i will be forgotten by you so when i bleed out with outstretched arms you wont hold my hand, will you? the allure and taste of seductive screams snare you i see i see that hole is not big enough for me to fit supplements supplements work harder work faster work more push and push until the fire starts my love shall be nothing more than a distant memory i am the monster hiding in the closet lurking under the fucking bed take my bones and scrape them of their ratted marrow use it for your beats let me just be broken inspiration how disgusting i taste suck on that revolver lollipop and kiss me then so one of us burns kick me to the curb and leave me to bleed a broken ticking clock oer over over oer again and again does it irk you? come the second wait a second for me come the second wait no you have tripped and stumbled and i am buried below you dig and dig all you like you seem so tired of digging i am tired of drowning and cannot swim you are of the deep and unfathomable something beyond me by leagues leaps and bounds shoulder blades carved wonderfully ill try i promise ill try i promise you crooned and cried i remember them and withering takes my bones so why so why do i still await an outstretched hand just leave me just leave me alone lain in the field of crushed camellias so you can frolic amidst the buzz of songbirds and humming bees i will rot so flourish in my bones it is the most we can do

[hauntedmoon519]

it is the little things that matter

you remembered that i have a (dis)taste pour la sucre et yet you insist on calling me sweet ever so sweet she likes them dark like coffee she hates coffee

i am a little thing

matter makes up everything and the opposite of what you know to fundamentally alter and change something else into something new something borrowed something blue(sy) my bass croons

they matter to you yes they do they matter lots

hes got a hoopty rickety and loose it jumps shakes shivers with loss as he is suave and collected sunkissed and glowing in falsehoods so why what do you call a loser who is cool by association with the yuki onna who frosts and ices so chill(y) when she turns him to iced glass and he melts they will see they will finally learn he is tepid

i am not even given what is little fore i am little does it scale downwards for me

if the headless bard and the severed head sage met while both in service of the gods of war whom or what would they do they would listen to the music i write and sing but i am worse than the headless how very unlucky of them to be needing what the other is missing and yet they make do they both lie lies still, what they are missing when you lose it and miss it you will have to make do because you are a liar and so am i do not believe my existence my truths feed your tumultuous tumor and know i will find myself six below

i am a little thing so why; why do i seem to not matter

[hauntedmoon519]

storm cloud piano

i press the discordant

keys

and realize realistically

how it sounds like hollow

pointed dew drops

before you forget

has become

you forgot has

become

i thought i wasnt cool enough to sit with you

push me lightly away away i

drift and drift not that

they care

because it is unrealistic to

assume it is

the words of her false prophet

and yet i will drink

them down

for a mangy mutt hath no shame

not waste in want of craving

in desperation for your affection

your misguided attention

if you are icarus

flying too close to the sun you

wish to become it i

am simply the moon awake as

icarus plummets in the cold dark

so fly icarus

fly far away from me and

fall in hopes

that i will

always catch you

[hauntedmoon519]

faustian biopic

*clicks*

"so this is the last kind of take before we

wrap this up do you have anything you'd like to say

about your life?"

i want you to know

before you realize the

soot stained half truths you croon

i cant feel

any of this

and yet you, you

feel it all while i

feel what i am

null.

"hm. i gotta think you know i always

thought that id, id, id know what to, to say in interviews but

i really dont know"

you forgot and yet

i am used to dosing everyone

with subconscious amnesia as

i make them crave to sleep

perchance to dream

no more about me

this poison must be

culled so

kiss her with your salted

serenades and swallow

the drafts you forget

"please go ahead, take your time"

"im an addict. i mean

its not news. -i -i come from a

-a family of um addicts. i went to rehab when i was

in high school and it was strange, you know. no, no one really takes

you seriously but i was an adult as a kid, -i i had to be the

anchor you know? that dead weight that kept everyone alive"

there'll be times when my crimes

will almost seem unforgivable

i give into sin

the poison had leeched into

the water too early too little too

late and yet

i am ill

poisoned be

one word proverbs

they are simple and strong they

do not encircle manies they

multiply and encapsulate them

for i am but a storm

the phone crackles with

warm pulses

how does it fit?

like its not mine

it should fit you

carry that for a reason

"so tell us about your first film

you wrote and directed it at 17

horror, based on what you described your

emptiness you said you hollowed yourself out

but this was always there?

monochrome monster, you called it"

part time superstar

go ahead and drink

ill hold your hair as you

kiss her as you admit the

fucking truth but why

should i care if you

dont?

"whoa thats a

a deep cut. its about me.

i know a lot of people think they've

solved it that they know what it is

truth is that its me. thats all you need to know"

The thorned crown of

Death sits atop the Crooked brow

how Heavy doth it sits Perchance to

cause sleep Nightmares upon which

Thine ankles perches the Fetters of

the Smith with his shattered limbs and

bitter Smile you ask Meself to which Upon

the devil Lies in chains wrapp'd Through

thoust wrists in Atonement so Sacrosanct

through the trials and Yet bastard I have

been given a name

the Monster in the dark

the witch of TheWwilds

cry out cry out my Sweet lark

fore with Fright you shant be Beguiled

seductive and Sultry the Leviathan

wandering amidst the underbrush

you are Scared of it upon your trials

ashes upon Ashes snow upon snow

i am the covenless

mother maiden and crone they

have birthed me in abandonment

down the road down the road

down the road we go

tell the devil and her curses

that i am not enough

atlas was just enough

"how does it feel knowing you

wont ever be enough to be interviewed

for real that these are just your

voices? they forget to ask and you do

not remind them so they

wash their hands of you"

i am a good soldier

and good soldiers follow

orders

attack dog shoot and kill

bleed them dry

you are a weapon

and our monster

nothing more

nothing less

you are a good soldier

the lost son.

cut.

*fade to black*

[hauntedmoon519]

fake sweet real sour

anxiety homework

does it make you anxious?

i would like to

relinquish the reins and yet

i know that they hold onto me

tighter than

i would like to

can i call you

i feel very isolated alone

i don't remember passing out

i wish to see you and

yet ah

there are brighter stars for

you to follow

i wasnt surprised when

he posted the list

i guess it proves i

guess it shows no

one else wants me so

why even lie

two syllable seductress

she was stolen from you

or did she just get up and leave

her clothes on the floor

was she even real

these are your clothes

and you cannot remember

her perfume?

a nomad has no name

no madness to speak no

thoughts no dreams and

yet to wander is to dream

to become transient

beyond further beyond and

yet when the light fades and

the moon cries

does the nomad still call

out for what icarus

dreamed of?

empêcher

to prevent or hold back

she kissed you on

the piano bench

and then you realized that

the smoke was gone

you killed the fire

fermer la bouche madame