hauntedbyeverythingatonce

[hauntedbyeverythingatonce]

four: pride

12.10.2022, wednesday

years of being told to have more self-esteem, to know my worth, with no one being able to tell me what about myself should make me worthy of anything. years of everyone acting surprised i turned out this way, mocking me every day and not praising the child i was once.

tough love. i am too weak. i am sorry your ways don't work on me, but please stop trying. i am too weak and it hurts. please give me up, let me go, let me rest, let me have peace. i have accepted failure, please do too.

i am sorry. i said i was good at something. i should not have said that. in the grand scheme of things that make up me, i should not have paid attention to that. pride like the one that made satan fall is what i have. not intelligence or talent.

i am ashamed. how could i? i know that i should surpress this evil within me that wants someone like me to have any good feelings about themselves. somewhere inside me is a good human, and they are suffering seeing someome like me have pride.

you were right. i am sorry i told you you weren't. please, give up on making me better but do not be soft on me. tell me. i need to be reminded that i am not special or smart or good. never let me forget. please. the good one might die if you are too nice.

i am sorry, and thank you. you would punish a murderer, right? you told me. don't treat me any different. i wish you could promise that you never will.

i have to remember. i am scared that i will forget again, like i did today. the evil gains power when i let it act.

i will start writing it down every single day, so i do not forget.

i am evil. i am the evil. i am only different from a murderer in the way that i have not commited any crimes i could be charged for. i am corrupted and i corrupt. i am the dirt humans walk on in a body. i owe everyone.

if there is a god, a good god who forgives, please forgive me and take me. save them. punish me. but please, end this.

[hauntedbyeverythingatonce]

three: coincidence

12.10.2022, wednesday

i hope that there is no such thing as destiny. if god exists and cares, and made me the way that i am and put me where i am right now, then there is no reason to believe things will ever get better. if i was given this, then i am meant for misery. then my destiny is suffering for nothing, achieving nothing and dying a nobody.

[hauntedbyeverythingatonce]

two: the theory

10.10.2022, monday

holy shit. i have a theory. i could prove something. this is going to be so much work. am i ready for this? i don't really now. the enthusiasm faded over the last couple hours. it's hard to organize. but i have to try. it's only collecting evidence and categorizing it for now, i have to get through that. if i compile the evidence i might find someone smarter to do the rest.

how come no one has done this before? i checked! can't even find all the evidence and important facts in one place. it's new. might publish it on here if there are results.

i have to be realistic. i am testing a connection that might not exist, i might end up with a database of pure coincidences. but many coincidences make synchronicity.

oh, and finding out that there is no connection would also prove something. not what i hope to prove, but something.

[hauntedbyeverythingatonce]

one: the story

09.10.2022, sunday

i live for the narrative.

i have been aware of it for the past few years, but i can't tell when it started. maybe i have been like this all my life.

i view my life as a story, and i live according to that. this is by no means a passive thing. it is obvious that every little thing that is in some way perceived can be, or maybe is in itself, a story. but this is not what i am talking about.

the position the story of a life has in my mindset is close to the opposite of the statement "life writes the best stories", or however you chose to word the quote. my story is not a chain of coincidences, it is not me living through things that might make a good story, my story is completely build and written by myself.

i am actively writing this story and controlling it. do not get me wrong, i don't mean this in an empowering way. i will come back to the possible reasoning behind this later on, just keep in mind that this is not supposed to praise my way of living as a way of taking control of one's life.

decisions i make and things i do are always motivated by whether they would fit into the story i am crafting for myself. there is a certain atmosphere, a point, a type of main character that has to be consistent. and all that i do has to be something the protagonist of my story would realistically do. everything is controlled.

it does not end here. a story needs ups and downs, good and bad events. i am aware of that and take it into consideration when going about my life. i will create my downs, have a self-imposed downfall, have controlled negative reactions to things. i have a tendency of wanting the story to be "clean", to have no open endings and all conflicts resolved or defeat accepted. therefore, most problems are made with a concrete plan of solving them in mind. still, i will suffer for the time being, or make myself suffer, for the story.

and by no means am i portraying myself as a good person, or a hero. the story is meant to be interesting, to be good enough for telling, but that is it. i control the story, i control how i am perceived, but this has no relation to me keeping up a good image.

so, what is the worst that can happen? something sudden and unexpected. bad things happening, i can live with that. i incorporate them into my story, and i tailor my reaction until it fits perfectly and matches the story. but changes made by a higher power are intolerable. some things are impossible to fit into the story. and some of these things change everything about my life and myself. this is when it gets hard. i then have trouble re-constructing my story around this event. some of these events make me unable to continue the story, which puts me in misery. luckily, i am able to fix things most of the time, make turns and changes until the pieces fit back together and things can go on.

while controlling everything, i have very little control. i am controlled by the wish for a neat narrative. i want my story to be one that can be told, and i want it to be a very certain kind of story. this limits me, and besides being my artificially crafted main character, i am not sure who i really am. i can hardly connect to my emotions and myself, and there is no way of knowing what i would do if it weren't for the story.

why? a very simple question, with many possible answers.

the obvious one, possibly the most redeeming one, is this being a coping mechanism. i romanticise to the point it makes everything bearable and controllable, or at least gives an illusion of control, and i make all that happens to me feel unreal. so, this might be either mental ilness or a reaction to mental illness.

the less defendable theories that can hardly be called normal can be divided into three categories, which are innocence, knowledge and arrogance.

the first category, innocence, is fairly simple. i am just hopeful, optimistic and stupid. i romanticise because i am genuinely able to see bad things as part of something good, because i genuinely think that there is the beauty of a story in all suffering. while this is possible, i think it is rather unlikely to be the answer.

the second category is called knowledge, which is the rather philosophical approach to explaining this behaviour. i am aware how meaningless a single human individual, or any individual for that matter, is in this great universe we exist in. no matter what i do, i will die, i will rot away, i will be gone and forgotten. a story, having a point, gives meaning to something that does not hold any meaning on its own, and there is always the chance of a story lasting far longer than the one telling it, possibly becoming as immortal as something man-made can be. while this slightly nihilistic view might seem intelligent, i do not think i am so smart that i internally and truly accept meaninglessness. i think i belong to the majority of people that simply ignore this fact and push it away, instead of facing and accepting it.

this leaves me with the third and last category, which i called arrogance. this is related to the very first theory, the one stating that i use this as a way of coping, but the focus lies on different aspects. i do not have to explain the sheer arrogance it takes to view yourself as the main character. the pridefulness in romanticising your whole life, to the point you believe it to be something as intricate and interesting as a story. while i wish i could disagree with this theory, i morally can not. i know how bad i have been and my morals will not let me defend myself against this allegation. which is why i will accept this theory as the answer.

to be answering the question of why i live for the story with my own arrogance is admitting to being evil. it is admitting that this system of thought has to end, and one more point on the list of my crimes against the spirit of humanity.

my conclusion is causing me pain, but happiness lies in acceptance and acceptance needs truth first. but i am afraid that happines will no longer be an option - that i will know that i am not deserving of it - by the time i have found the whole truth.