happysen

[happysen]

[happysen]

This is it

The moment that I have to go to Tumblr to vent. Vent my frustration, my anger, my disappointment and my tears. Some are at other people, like the ones who broke my heart, but most are at me. At me. And all of those trips and memories I’ve been trying to create and treasure to keep me sane just suddenly became so pointless, so fake just like that blurry light at the end of the tunnel to the lost dying hiker. People are moving forward and succeeding and here I am, at one point, having no one to hold.

The utter silence and solitude

[happysen]

Tell me how you're going to love then dump me

[happysen]

It was short, sweet and bitter.

My boyfriend of two months just broke up with me yesterday. It was out of the blue even though for the past week I have felt something was wrong. It just hurt so bad when he said and did everything he said he wouldn't do when we were happy. I know 2 months is not long for a relationship but I reckon I feel the pain no less. Everything was normal and we were happy. 3 days ago, he came to my place and we slept peacefully in each other's arms. 2 days ago we went out and I just thought him being a bit cold and distracted was due to his work and all the coming exams. When I asked him what was wrong or whether he was okay, he got upset cause I asked too much so I just shut my mouth.

Now it's over, every single bone in my body aches when I think about the "I love you so much more than you know" every time we hung up, about " you've been hurt so much and I was sent to make you feel better", about "you don't have to worry about how much you like me, just know I love you and don't care about me". We got together for the first time on his birthday, and I remember he said how special this was to him, that he was so lucky to finally get someone like me after some long hard years in the army. I always thought I was the pessimist, the antagonist of our relationship. I was skeptical and always felt unfair for him as it seemed he liked me much more than I liked him. I got my heart broken more than one year ago being cheated on and I was scared and too tired to actually look for somebody. I guess I was raised to be independent and being so far away from home I always tried to take care of myself. Even when it hurt to be so lonely and I had depression especially in the winter, I always reminded myself that I had come this far in life and I gotta keep trying. Then he came. We were in the same class and got to talk. I didn't think much of him except the fact that he had impressive eyebrows. We talked a bit and my friend told me she thought he liked me but I said we were just friends. He was a genuinely good guy, no drinking, no partying, serious in work. I tested by asking whether he wanted to be in my "list" and he jumped in it like a puppy wagging his tail. I was the one to ask him out first then we got together.

I was always scared that I might scare him away, thinking that guys don't usually like too smart, too strong, independent girls which I pretty am. But he liked me because I was different. From all the other girls. Proud of me because I was smart and sarcastic and funny. We had some arguments but they were not that serious. I never made a scene or got upset for trivial things. I let him do his work and be with his friends. I thought I behaved. Even when we argued, I tried to stay reasonable and explained to fix it. He made me happy and I was like a sunflower finally blooming under the sun after a long harsh winter. I thought to myself: "Finally I got my life together: school is good, I got to study a bunch of exciting stuff, extracurricular activities were good: just became one of the leaders of an organization and I got a boyfriend who is wiling to take care of me now."

He broke up with me through text.

I came to his house right away in the rain, asking to talk. He said our styles were different, I was too much for him, he didn't want us to hurt each other's pride and confidence.He cancelled his ticket for the vacation we planned. He did not look me in the eyes for the whole conversation, saying he was afraid that it could make him change his mind. But was it? Wasn't it guilt? He said he didn't want to change for me but I never forced him to. And in the beginning, I always reminded myself to not change for him too and actually I did. Because I knew it was hard to love somebody like me, I tried to take care of him as well, tried to lower myself down as I was scared of hurting his pride, tried to let him know I appreciated him, that I liked him more everyday. I tried to stay calm talking to him but he managed to make me sob with some so brutal words.

"Don't act like a kid"

\_" Do you still like me?" - said I

\_" I'm not sure"

"Go home! You're making me tired of you"

I lost hope there. I just needed an answer. About how could you do this to me? Don't you remember all of those things you said to me? About how genuinely I made you happy? What changed you so fast? It happened in one day and he said it wasn't an impulsive decision. I came to talk to you like adults and you said I was just a kid in the mall shouting her lungs out when she wants something. He said it was his final decision but then told me to give each other some time. I came back to the parking lot and sat down and cried cause I had been holding it in, walking around to calm myself down. I thought he went back into the building but then I heard him say:

"Calm down! You're acting like a psycho"

My heart broke into thousands of pieces like an old useless vase that nobody pays attention to in the antique store. So that's how you see me now? Clinging and begging to you! I went home, called my friends and calmed down, managing to pull myself together.

We met today in school. I told him that I understood, it was okay, took the blame and he said it wasn't my fault. But it wasn't his fault either. So WHY THE FUCK? I don't need him to spend that time thinking anything anymore. He didn't say anything, I guess he just wanted to be done with me.

"You're freed now. You're not mine anymore and I'm not yours anymore."

"At least I'm still the crush girl in your eyes right?"

He walked away and without turning his head back to look at me: "yes".

And there I was, standing alone in my bright yellow T-shirt in the empty hall, a sunflower keeps looking at her used-to-be bright sun.

[happysen]

100 this or that

1. Coffee or tea? 2. Black and white or color? 3. Drawings or paintings? 4. Dresses or skirts? 5. Books or movies? 6. Pepsi or Coke? 7. Chinese or Italian? 8. Early bird or night owl? 9. Chocolate or vanilla? 10. Introvert or extrovert? 11. Hugs or kisses? 12. Hunting or fishing? 13. Winter or summer? 14. Spring or fall? 15. Rural or urban? 16. PC or Mac? 17. Tan or pale? 18. Cake or pie? 19. Ice cream or yogurt? 20. Ketchup or mustard? 21. Sweet pickles or dill pickles? 22. Comedy or mystery? 23. Boots or sandals? 24. Silver or gold? 25. Pop or Rock? 26. Dancing or singing? 27. Checkers or chess? 28. Board games or video games? 29. Wine or beer? 30. Freckles or dimples? 31. Honey mustard or BBQ sauce? 32. Body weight exercises or lifting weights? 33. Baseball or basketball? 34. Crossword puzzles or sudokus? 35. Facial hair or clean shaven? 36. Crushed ice or cubed ice? 37. Skiing or snowboarding? 38. Smile or game face? 39. Bracelet or necklace? 40. Fruit or vegetables? 41. Sausage or bacon? 42. Scrambled or fried? 43. Dark chocolate or white chocolate? 44. Tattoos or piercings? 45. Antique or brand new? 46. Dress up or dress down? 47. Cowboys or aliens? 48. Cats or dogs? 49. Pancakes or waffles? 50. Bond or Bourne? 51. Sci-Fi or fantasy? 52. Numbers or letters? 53. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? 54. Fair or theme park? 55. Money or fame? 56. Washing dishes or doing laundry? 57. Snakes or sharks? 58. Orange juice or apple juice? 59. Sunrise or sunset? 60. Slacker or over-achiever? 61. Pen or pencil? 62. Peanut butter or jelly? 63. Grammys or Oscars? 64. Detailed or abstract? 65. Multiple choice questions or essay questions? 66. Adventurous or cautious? 67. Saver or spender? 68. Glasses or contacts? 69. Laptop or desktop? 70. Classic or modern? 71. Personal chef or personal fitness trainer? 72. Internet or cell phone? 73. Call or text? 74. Curly hair or straight hair? 75. Shower in the morning or shower in the evening? 76. Spicy or mild? 77. Marvel or DC? 78. Paying a mortgage or paying rent? 79. Sky dive or bungee jump? 80. Oreos or Chips Ahoy? 81. Jello or pudding? 82. Truth or dare? 83. Roller coaster or Ferris wheel? 84. Leather or denim? 85. Stripes or solids? 86. Bagels or muffins? 87. Whole wheat or white? 88. Beads or pearls? 89. Hardwood or carpet? 90. Bright colors or neutral tones? 91. Be older than you are or younger than you are? 92. Raisins or nuts? 93. Picnic or nice restaurant? 94. Black leather or brown leather? 95. Long hair or short hair? 96. “Ready, aim, fire” or “Ready, fire, aim”? 97. Fiction or non-fiction? 98. Smoking or non-smoking? 99. Think before you talk or talk before you think? 100. Asking questions or answering questions?

[happysen]

I met a guy.

He was just a tourist in this city and we matched on Tinder. Most of his pictures were him and his band and I swiped right cause he wrote Arctic Monkeys down in the profile. Only two days after we started chatting, he set up a date for us. I never had Tinder date before as the only reason I used the app was to read some fucking hilarious profiles or to chat away the temporary sadness in a moment of weakness. That’s why I was a bit reluctant, thinking about actually the chemistry in the conversation was not that, you know, strong. Or to put it in another way, I was shy. But yeah, I took risks, accepting his invitation to dinner cause I didn’t have any other things to do except the trip with the Idiots and obviously, the “Communism” gang from my university was all busy with their internships and “personal business” and I was sick of their bullshit :) 

We met in front of a bar at 6, which I thought was too early when he suggested but agreed anyway and kinda regretted later, wishing we should have met way earlier, idk maybe right after we matched lol. His friend dropped him off while I was waiting for him on my bike. 

“Hey, are you Hannah?”- said somebody.

I turned around and like “BOOM”. It wasn’t as strong as “being struck by lightning” but for a second I bet I looked like a fucking retard. There he was, standing in front of me, holding a helmet in his hand, wearing a black leather jacket and a pair of tight black jeans with black ankle boots. His extremely curly perms were combed onto the front and he had this kind of slightly shy smile as he approached me. The first impression was good, him getting dressed quite neatly for the date I give him that. Not you know, backpackers style with shorts and crumpled tank tops. There was something really classically cool and dreamy about him but at first, I couldn’t really tell and just got that tingling feeling in my stomach. 

He got on my bike and I rode about the Old Quarter looking for somewhere to eat without any specific places in mind and I was lowkey freaking out on the scenario that I couldn’t take him to any nice places. We stopped at a famous sticky rice store and sat down for some. I was always talkative when I was nervous. Guess that’s why I kept scrambling about stupid shit and putting on the most commercial smile I had. For a second, I thought he was intimidated by my gibberish and lost his interest cause he talked quite little but he kept eye contact. He told me a bit about his life in Beijing, the job, his travelling,… Putting up with me when I asked whether his perms were natural or not. Turned out they were natural. *internally screaming* 

He spoke in this gentle standard British accent, very polite, a bit reserved at first. So far the date hadn’t crashed into the ground. Glad. He paid for the food. +10 points for the Hufflepuff (I guess he was a Hufflepuff). We rode back to the bar earlier cause it was supposed to be the Open Mic night and as we shared some common in our taste of music, live music seemed to be a suitable date venue. But yeah it was about 7 and it was too early for music so he got a beer and I had water then we talked. By this time, well I got fonder of him. He was calm, very chilled, knew how to keep a conversation properly without any over the board flirting. An hour or so of music talking and some other small talk, he went to the toilet before we left the bar and I was squirming like a teenager over her idol and had to text one of my close friends to let out a bit of my excitement nearly to the point of explosion. I put it in Capital as I texted that bitch lol : “HE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING ROCK STAR”. Yeah that’s how I pictured him. Looking like a fucking dupe of Alex Turner while pouring all of that British accent all over my ears. 

I suggested we get out of there and go for a little walk around the streets and come back later for the live music. At this point, I guess I was really into him and I’m gonna tell you why later. He walked next to me and gently moved me to the other side so that he was the one next to the road and the traffic. ;a; That was fucking another 10 points for the Hufflepuff. For better balance (yep, trust me) and you know I like him and wanted a bit more intimacy, I put my arm around his as his hands were in his leather pockets and we wandered around aimlessly while getting more laughter and I think he started to get more loosened up and comfortable. We ended up in another restaurant in an old house and he asked me if I wanted to share a pancake and let me choose the flavour. (+5) We started to talk about food as I started to act a bit like a little bitch about how sugary and fat those pancakes were :’( (shouldn’t have done that) and why I resented this kind of food as my ex-boyfriend dumped me saying I was a bit fat and I was scarred by that. Why the fuck did I say that???? Luckily, he didn’t seem to be offended by my saying on his choice of food. The conversation was smooth, more laughter, he had another beer. We started the topic of ladyboys and other sexualities, laughing it off on the joke that he was actually a ladyboy trying to give me some “services”. Another hour or so, we decided to leave there to get back to the bar and I realized I forgot my backpack at the bar. I told you I was so excited to take a walk with him that I did forget my back. Fortunately, the purse and bike key and phone were in my coat pockets. lol. 

We walked back hand in hand and I leaned onto him when we laughed. It felt so good to have somebody so cute and understanding and chilled next to me. By the time we came back to the bar, it had already filled with people and the music was playing. He ordered a coffee and I had another water lol As people were performing, we quite focused on watching the music and sometimes had to shout into each other’s ears as he laughed at my story and laid his big cool hand on my thigh while taking a sip of coffee with the other hand, still  looking at the band. I shamelessly got mesmerized by his figure in the blue and red light of the stage of the bar and the way he moved his head to the music while still trying to listen to what I was saying. We sat for another hour and the music started to get to my head so I suggested we head out for some late night desserts knowing he has a sweet tooth. 

We went for some caramel pudding, sitting on some red plastic tools on the pavement at 11 p.m and I forgot all about my father, my mother and my cousin who I promised to that I would get back by 10 :) After that, he got into the convenience store for another beer and tea and we got teased by the cashiers who complimented that we looked good as a couple and I laughed happily looking at his confused face cause he didn’t understand a word lol. As we held hands walking out of that store and he excused himself to the toilet, I made up my mind. I called dad asking him if I could sleep over at my cousin’s as it was pretty late and after a while of lying my best, he gave up and agreed. 

He took me back to his friend’s place. Okay so if you’re expecting some steamy sex scene, there is none for you. At this point, to be honest, I was wishing I hadn’t been on my period and yes somehow as a virgin, who was head over heels for this guy, I was shamefully expecting it too LOL He took me to some benches by a lake and he sat on those with a beer in his hand while I stood between his legs. The conversation was pretty stupid, we talked nonsense but I love it :)) I leaned on to his side and he started to caress the back of my knees. For the first time, I touched his face, his beard and messed with his hair, played with the buttons of his jackets and as I was laughing, I put my hands behind his neck and pulled him closer to me. That lasted for a while before I finally sat down next to him, putting my big fat short legs onto his long finely carved ones in fucking black jeans and he pulled mine closer to his chest and we ended up in a really intimate position. He listened to me and my depression stuff, how I got lonely in Japan and even my friends let me down, how I was dumped by the guy I got to know exactly a year ago and got scarred into thinking I was fat and overweight because of him. I don’t know why I did that. It just came out of my mouth and he was willing to listen. We were sitting in the dark at midnight by a lake and I was pouring all my shit on the guy on our first date.

And suddenly he stared at me with these eyes, approaching his face to mine while his eyes were looking all over my face like he was waiting for my permission, and naturally he kissed me. I let him. It was so warm, sending electricity all over my body and my mind just went numb. His lips opened mine and our tongues met, he threw his hand over my shoulder and used the other one to hold my face. I was just so into it and lost for air that I had to pull away to catch my breath. His nose caressed the corner of my lips patiently waiting for me and I let out: “I’m not experienced in this shit. I’m a virgin”. He was like “What?”

For a second I thought he would dump me at the spot and I felt like an idiot. But no. He didn’t pull away, seemed only a bit surprised and only want to confirm what he just heard. I repeated and he said: “ For a virgin, you are quite confident in kissing ”. At least he wasn’t my first kiss, at least I know what I was doing thank god. At this point, the line of the day was spoken: “You taste like caramel pudding”.  I mean fuck me. Are you fucking serious? Isn’t that the most fucking romantic, the cutest thing one person could say after a kiss???? 

Then we kissed again and again and again with some small talks in between that always ended up in us clashing our lips. The bitter taste of beer just got all over my mouth and my lungs were filled with his cologne and shampoo scent. In a moment I was filled with this feeling of tasting somebody's soul, my senses were full of him. It just got more and more intense and passionate and he moved his hand all over my body, slightly squeezing my ass and my breasts and held my face. But that was it. He didn’t try to get into my pants, just pure kissing and small kisses on my neck which I actually wanted more but seriously I was trying my best to contain my shit then.There was a point that I got so fucking close to it I had to pull myself away and said while gasping for air: “ Stop or else I’m not gonna make it out of here”. In response, he just chuckled and kissed me some more. 

It lasted until 1 in the morning and he told me I should get home or else both of us would get into trouble. 1 a.m me and him holding hands under the dim yellow lights of the streets, he leaned for a kiss and I kept saying Stop for a couple of hundreds of times. Speck of kisses all over my face and then we parted ways. Just like real lovers. Even for one night.

[happysen]

No photoshop but i could barely breathe in this pic. Kinda satisfied with the image, kinda depressed with the attempt.

[happysen]

[happysen]

Devorce drill

I think I'm gonna do great with divorce in the future. Been going through the ignorance and negligence of "the husband" a.k.a the roommates and our friends, been cleaing their mess, getting them home when they are drunk, been loving and caring. Now here I am looking at them straight in their dry emotionless eyes with tears in my eyes saying: " well so we can't work it out! I'm moving out. All the stuff you can keep. The apartment is under my name so just pay me by 27th every month. This and that,etc...."

And they said: "Okay"

Like you were nothing. And in a moment you got that flashback when you were first in love and full of hope and promises. Wow this is a fucking friends divorce. Fuck. 20 and already practising for divorce :) checked and crossed from bucket list.

[happysen]

Let's make this not work lol wish i had a chance to talk and get along with my crush

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

[happysen]

It's one of those days. I feel like nothing. Not loved. Not appreciated. Not being thought about. Not included. Just nothing. Not the first not the last. Just stuck in the powerful zeo

[happysen]

I am painfully aware that I am no one’s favorite person

[happysen]

you know what taylor’s new song reminds me of? 

[happysen]

Yes, it is law from now on

Tumblr Code.

[happysen]

Chester is gone

And so are you. It is today, July 21st, you finally flew back to your motherland. This time I’ll let you go for good. Time will slowly help me erase all your memories, good and bad. So the ocean inside me can be at peace again. 

[happysen]

a bowl of rice, a cup of tea and an ex.

I’m sitting in the library, just finished one of my Japanese exams and planning to study for others until I completely run out of energy and cannot put up with any more of others’ invisible breath lingering in the air. Then I’ll come back home. Where Blondie and Almond wait for me, where my Lily Blue (my ukulele) and the new secondhand piano whose name we haven’t decided lie peacefully on the wooden floor. 

I saw him today. At the moment I looked up from my bowl of rice and opened my mouth to answer my friend’s question, I saw him. Actually, I saw her first. She was wearing a crop top and a pair of faded denim shorts, revealing her body sexy as always with that tiny love handler,that tanned skin and them long legs. I looked at her and now I know that I shouldn’t have let my curiosity win, shouldn’t have wondered who she was with. 

With a glance, I saw you. In a black T-shirt. With the backpack I used to lay my head on. With the hair i used to try my best to style with hair gel. With the face I used to put moisturizer on while being held and tickled to death. You stood up from your seat opposite to hers, you guys were saying something. Within the second you turned around and may have caught the sight of me, I turned my head back. Back to my meal. Back to my rice and my tea and my guy friend. Just like the way I’ve tried since our “breakup” to get back to myself before you, back to my normal little life full of trivial details and concerns. 

In five seconds, everything ran through my head. How unexpected and bitchy life could be. The “thing” hadn’t even started to bloom when we brutally and mercilessly strangled it. The days we got close to be happy were hopelessly outnumbered by those we spent arguing, hating and ignoring each other. It’s been almost 5 months since I first saw you in that bubble tea shop, you stood at the doorway like my knight in shining armor. Or so I thought. Then next thing I knew was days of talking and falling asleep on my phone, of anticipating us to see again so I could finally be held in your arms. I was. The first day I flew back to this land, you came to my room. And I kissed you like I never kissed before. Not in the way we did. We lay next to each other listening to your playlist until the room was completely so drowned in darkness that I couldn’t make out which were yours and mine as our hands intertwined. My legs clung to yours and I used my toes to play with your socks. That was when I realized for the first time in so so long, my heart started to race and I was so hopelessly romantically in love. 

But then there was the crack. And you threw me off, like a used plastic bag. To cut it short, you got to be with her only weeks after me. Now thinking about it, maybe right at that moment when I said I didn’t want it, and you said “okay”, you already crossed my name out. I know you talked to her even when we had something. Now I know. I was just to be your last shot before you left.

I remember the moment I was suddenly so amazed by the way that destiny collided people together, by the fact that we hadn’t even talked to each other before and now we were in each other’s arms. Now I am amazed by faith’s ability to make us apart, to make us even stranger than strangers. Or I’m just being sentimental and sensitive. Or I just mistakenly thought it was serious love because the spark was so strong and brilliant that it blinded me for some seconds. 

Just like all other girls who I thought I would be different from, love tortured me and made me miserable. So liberal and open-minded as I am, I want to blame you for all the tears I cry and all the pain I suffer even though I know deep down our feelings for each other were just not the same and what we had was just firework burning up on a summer’s night. It is my lesson.

[happysen]

Opening title

Well, here is my first attempt at brushing up on my English while living an ordinary life in Japan, where FYI people do not really speak English. And when I say “not really”, I mean they totally don’t speak any English. Oh.. except for their English-originated words which at the same time sound a lot like English once you’ve figured out their meanings. *sigh* It’s complicated and I don’t know how to clearly explain it  (｡╯︵╰｡)

This was my face every time some Japanese told me something when I first arrived here half a year ago. This face still exists now, trust me, but I guess it got better somehow after half a year of intensive Japanese study, literally being mentally harassed and assaulted by deadlines and  a bunch of unreasonable international teammates, who kept repeating some specific questions which had been already discussed and could be read if she or he had taken just 3 seconds of their precious time to scroll up the chat. Every GODDAMN TIME!!!  (°ㅂ°╬)

ohh, what a relief. Guess I got a bit carried away hah? lol If you read to this line, then I just wanna tell you that there are actually no important events or happenings in this post. Thanks so much for wasting up your time on me. I have never been good and creative with words or literature, so I don’t think this page can give you idk that peaceful vintage pastel inspirational vibe or hilarious posts that you can find plenty everywhere on Tumblr or Instagram. I can only promise that this is gonna be the place I store and treasure my truest feelings and stories.

See ya later ♡ (￣З￣)