happy-coding-girl

[happy-coding-girl]

i am his. i could be nothing better.

[happy-coding-girl]

i beg you to love me, say that i'm enough, but you tell me— why are you like this? i think there's something wrong with you.

for @shestrying

thanks to @acelania for finding the unknowns!

in image / desperation sits heavy on my tongue, tumblr user tullipsink / mary oliver, ‘north country’ / virginia woolf, letter to violet dickinson / in image / blythe baird, from if my body could speak / Alice in Bed: A Play' by Susan Sontag (link in comment) / lynee rae perkins, criss cross / elena ferrante, Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay' (trans. Ann Goldstein) / rainer maria rilke, from rilke’s book of hours / in image/ in image

[happy-coding-girl]

What could I have been? What will I be?

i. Between the Bars, Elliott Smith / ii. @danielcalmdown / iii. The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath / iv. Things You Wanted To Say But Never Did, Geloy Concepcion

[happy-coding-girl]

I think I was just born with something dark and ugly inside of me. Always waiting to be found out.

planetarium - adrienne rich/@twoheadedfawnn/ugly, bitter, and true - suzanne rivecca/a burning hill - mitski/a hora da estrela- clarice lispector/ @100493503004422/sharp objects - gillian flynn

[happy-coding-girl]

i've got seven missed calls and eight apologies in drafts and the thought of anyone wanting me makes me so afraid that i ask them to leave even when i want them to stay. inside my mind i am begging; please don't go— please love me anyways

grit, a poetry collection/ in image/ mayakovsky by frank o'hara/ sue zhao/ unknown / Ruth Madievsky, All-Night Pharmacy / gone girl, gillian flyn/ Cotton Candy on a Rainy Day, Nikki Giovanni / supernatural season 12 ep 22 (thanks @count-woe-laf) / I Put The Coffin Out To Sea by Lisa Marie Basile/ Sorry by Halsey/ Sorry by Halsey / unknown

[happy-coding-girl]

I feel like I can’t do anything right (for me). Not even this fucking disorder.

[happy-coding-girl]

Pearl (2022)

[happy-coding-girl]

I get so depressed around the end of the year because it just means I have another year ahead of me, another year of struggling, feeling miserable, not being able to cope. I don’t want to keep going.

[happy-coding-girl]

I HATE MYSELF FOR EATING

I HATE MYSELF FOR EATING

I HATE MYSELF FOR EATING

[happy-coding-girl]

[happy-coding-girl]

who am I?

I've been nothing but I a disappointment these past few years

Constantly trying to be the best I can be to those I love, but always ending up fucking up

I'm the fat dumb girl in her twenties who still hasn't managed to finish her degree

I'm the girl who yearns to be loved and accepted, but who never measures up and is never anyone's first choice

I'm the girl who can't win the fight with my food addiction. It is the subject of my thoughts most of the day and the fucking root cause for all my other issues

I fucking hate food. I never want to eat again. Eating always causes pain and regret. And I hate that I feel this way now but it's only a matter of time before I stuff my face again to try and fill this empty feeling in my heart

I'm a lazy self deprecating coward. I wasn't always like this

Ive always been fat. I was the fat kid and got my fair share of bullying. I never quite fit in because I was so shy. I never spoke my mind or voiced my ideas because I was in constant fear of ridicule and mockery. I wanted to be invisible.

I remember finding comfort in solving math problems from a young age, but I never bothered trying to excel in school.

In high school I realised I was smarter than my peers and I actually put in some work and shocked everyone when I was suddenly performing better than all of them.

I was so happy when I suddenly got more attention from my peers in school. People started knowing who I was. Being the smart girl was my identity. But the interest from my peers was shallow, and the interactions were always made for ulterior motives (can you help me with this? what was your score in this?)

I thought they finally saw and accepted me. I thought people liked me.

Oh and how desperately and pathetically I just wanted to be liked. But no one likes the fat socially awkward girl. Not enough to want to get to really get to know her.

And oh how my smart girl armour was shattered once I went to university. Everyone was smart there. I was no longer the best. In fact, as life continued fucking me over I started becoming the dumbest student in my class. And the class after me. And probably in next year's class as well.

Sometimes I'm relieved my dad passed away last year because at least he can't see the fuck up I've become. He always had this delusion that I was perfect. And I fucking miss him so goddamn much and I'm angry that he left me. I fucking needed him. I still need him. I don't think I'll ever stop needing him back.

I really, really hate what I've become. And I don't know how to save myself.