happiiisadkiddo

[happiiisadkiddo]

IM TRAPPED. IM GOD DAMN FUCKING TRAPPED. i cant even numb the pain with drugs or alcohol, i can’t even numb pain the healthy way (sober , with friends) i have to deal with this bullshit. because i’m basically on house arrest. i feel so trapped and this feeling is not doing any wonders to my mental stability right now. i need to get out, but i cant. i so badly want to run, but i can’t. this is fucking goddamn painful. please i need a little bit of relief. this is too much, just a little bit more and i think i’ll break. i’m so close to my breaking point. just free me.

[happiiisadkiddo]

grey

EVERYTHING IS GREY NOTHING IS YELLOW NOTHING IS PINK GREEN, BLUE PURPLE, ORANGE RED, GOLD, THESE COLOURS ARE NON EXISTENT   I do not know how to even describe these colours anymore It's like, They were a figment of my imagination, Like they never existed.   In fact, I don't think they ever did, Just knock offs of the real version I can't imagine my life with these colours, Included in situations I experience, Activitied that I do, Into my surroundings How, How would these colours fit into my life?   Instead, These colours that once existed in my brain, In my life, Have been replaced by grey. No colour, No vibrancy. Nothing bright, Nothing hopeful.   Grey is dull, Grey means no hope, Grey is nothingness, That’s what everything looks like; GREY)   My heart is grey, My mind is grey, My stomach is grey   Laughing with my friends, All I see is grey, Everyone else can describe this situation As yellow As that colour, Is often associated with happiness   Dancing, Grey, So  Much Grey To everyone else it's exciting, Passionate Before this grey took over, I would have described it as red, To represent the fire,  Emotion, And passion I felt from dance. Also to compare it to blood, As I needed dance, Like I need blood. Also, Like blood; Dancing made me (feel) alive

[happiiisadkiddo]

monster

I know it's hard, I know you feel like this will never end, But eveything has to end sometime.   It's not you, It's the monster   This monster will be in your head all the time, Constantly reminding you that you're not good enough, That you should stop trying, This monster wants to see you fail   It will drown you in a sea of sadness This monster gets feelings of euphoria When you are not able to get out The deeper you sink The higher this monster gets   This monster will push you deeper And deeper And deeper  Into the ocean So far, That you can't see anything, All you see is black, Nothingness, You can't brathe, You're drowing   This monster doesn't want to see you above the surface, This monster doesn't want you to be breathing easy It will tie anchors to you so you can't get up     It will tie you down onto your bed, Putting tons of stones onto your chest, So it physically pains you to get up   You are not this monster It is not your fault  This monster will ruin you.   This monster picks on the strongest people, Because it envies them, As this monster is not even half as strong as them   This monster lives on your sadness and your weakness. It loves to see you not trying, Not putting up a fight, This in fact, Gives him more strength   But what it hates, however, Is when you fight When you fight to get to the surface, Using all the strength in your legs, When you fight to get out of bed, Using all the strength in your arms Using every once of you strength, Will take away every ounce of this monsters strength   Dealing with this monster, It's one of the more difficult battles you'll ever endure, But once you've beaten this monster It makes everything worthwhile, for sure   Mentally and physically, The cares will be there forever, They'll be there to remind you that you are A a brillliant, brave, & strong little fighter

[happiiisadkiddo]

it

You are not it It is not you It comes  When you don’t expect it   Suddenly  Your whole world is turned upside down Everything has changed   Suddenly When you get out of bed You feel like you're tied down And it takes Every Single Ounce of your strength To get you out   Suddenly Everything you’ve ever loved Is no longer important   Suddenly Going to sleep is your biggest fear Because you'll be alone with your own mind And your mind is monstrous. It is the scariest, Most complex, Most powerful thing At the moment.     Suddenly, All your energy is gone Within a matter of minutes, Even while doing nothing   Suddenly, All your friends are gone And you're completely alone   You'll be in a crowded room, But you'll feel completely, Utterly, Alone.   Its like everything is happening around you, And you're not a part of it   Days just go by in a blur, You go through each day   Every single day is the exact same damn thing You're stuck in an endless loop, That you feel you'll never get out of   The skies are dull and grey Everything is tasteless Nothing is exciting,  Nothing matters,   You're in a battle with yourself, You're your own worst enemy You're convinced that nothing matters, Especially yourself    What you don’t know Is that one day  You'll get out of bed with ease, You'll walk outside, Look at everything around you, Smile, A genuine smile, And you'll think. "this is beautiful."   You'll bake cookies singing along to Disney songs,  and you'll enjoy it You'll go back to dance class, you'll learn songs on the guitar, and you'll enjoy it You'll hang out with your friends, And laugh so hard you'll cry   Slowly but surely, The colour will seep back into your life,   The skies will be bright blue, The birds will chirp loudly, Flowers will grow beautiful and pink and proud The sun will shine brightly    Its going to be okay, one day.

[happiiisadkiddo]

mary jane word vom

the quieter i am, the happier i am. you see, if i’m being loud / annoying / a nuisance there is most likely 2 possible reasons for that.

i’m so sad about my own life, that i need to use my humour to cover it up or hide it, but because I am so emotional, I take it a bit too far.

i feel so empty or alone that i believe my self worth is directly tied to another human being — i need their attention to function as i’m so loud to try and get their attention.  

if i’m quiet i’m usually pondering life and wondering about stuff. also i don’t know why i always sound sad / self deprecating / attention seeking just when i say whats on my mind or descriptive words. when i say i’m annoying / stupid / loud or that nobody likes me I’m not sad about it - well of course i am but i dont expect your sympathy of compliments because ultimate;y nothing will change the way i view myself. i’m just saying it as a general statement that i have already accepted. i may sound sad but dont give me that look of pity because i genuinely hate it so much like dont take pity on me. like honestly when i’m quiet in group it’s not like i’m fishing for compliments, i just tend to be quiet and i dont want anyone to pretend that they care or keep talking about it. like don’t push me. people think im pushy when __ __ because I feel so bad saying no. i feel like nobody really likes me or needs mee though like people only really talk to me when they need me you know? people don’t just emjoy my company with nothing else __ like o’m so sad

i get it though like now that i think about it im actually so annoying and chimey and so not funny no matter how funny i think i am and i should stop thinking that i am because people have such a good time without me and im such a downer when i dont want to be and i just want every one to be happy except for me because i genuinely believe that i am a shitty person who is undeserving of happiness like nobody takes me seriously or believes in me anyways like i don’t really know i mean i guess im just scared ill feel like this shitty and sad and hate myself forever because im tired of feeling this way. i just want to be happy even though some people think i fake it for attention like no that would be so fucked up id never wish for myself to feel this type of way for anyone attention because to be honest this is the shittiest feeling that you could ever feel like i cant even explain its worse than 4000000000 childbirths i just want this feeling to go away and stop forever because its so draining and i want to stop forever

i mean i wish i viewed life as beautiful

no my view is not ‘beautifully tragic’

its tragically ugly and the way i see things should not be romanticised because its a errible way of seeing life

instead i want to glamorise the beauty of seeing the amazing aspects of everything

[happiiisadkiddo]

not all nights are bad, i guess. sometimes i lay in bed happy memories flashing through my mind i briefly smile, but not for long, because it seems like such a far away time but, if i can smile without being forced to, and laugh until my cheeks hurt if i can think about those moments this far into the future and if they can give me hope then maybe being happy is closer than i thought

[happiiisadkiddo]

there it goes, into my skin it’s so fun; the feeling i get,  when i see the blood run it brings me  happiness, a feeling like no other dripping down my leg and onto the floor, this incomparable euphoria; luring me in to do it even more the deeper i dig  the closer  i am to the clouds my head has never felt this light more so than any other star that shines  everything is going black dots are all i see i’m falling and i do need help  but the only thing i want is  the sweet release of death 

[happiiisadkiddo]

it feels like a nose after it’s been blocked for weeks and it’s finally unblocked. i can finally breathe again i can get air through the bare flesh of this skin exposed on my thigh and i feel like i can fly i feel like the pain that i’m bottling up inside can finally be  free and that i can somewhat breathe the pain is let out and i can finally shout but instead of noise coming out of my mouth, it’s blood that is coming out

[happiiisadkiddo]

i don’t know how to find happiness where do i look what does it look like i don’t think i’ll ever know  every morning when i wake up, i am not relieved like i should be i am disappointed that i will have to go through another day of this eternal hell

[happiiisadkiddo]

some thoughts ; eight

i mean, what really is there in life? tell me. to find happiness? some people spend their whole lives searching and never find it. they work at a dead-end job just to get this money so they can buy illegal substances as an attempt to feel even the tiniest bit of artificial happiness. but does happiness really exist? i don’t think it does. all we have is the anticipation of fake happiness that we try so hard to hold on to because of this hope we have that it’s ‘authentic’ happiness. i think this hope is the only thing keeping us alive

[happiiisadkiddo]

the afternoon after i got my heart broken

i woke up at midday. i could have slept the whole day if my brother hadn’t woken me up -- that’s what crying does to you. my eyes were puffy and i felt like garbage. i had forgotten. well, i hadn’t forgotten but it was in the back of my mind. it was just me and my baby brother at home and i was responsible for him. so as much as i wanted to, i couldn't really be crying in bed all day could i? 

i tried my best to go about my day. i gave my brother a bath, i cooked breakfast, i played with him, changed him. it was okay. but then i went to go wash the dishes. i put my brother in front of the tv. as i was washing the dishes it’s like something inside me broke. i felt my heart breaking again. i felt myself reliving that moment from yesterday when nothing made sense and i forgot how to breathe. i could feel the tears streaming down my face. i tried to think happy thoughts. but what was happy? nothing was coming to mind. the tears were falling faster and i couldn’t breathe. 

the plate slipped from my grasp. it’s like everything after happened in slow motion. the sound that the plate made didn’t break this trance-like thing i was in. the moment kept playing over and over and the heartbreak was worse every time. 

i saw the blood gushing out of my foot but it didn’t matter. nothing mattered. i didn’t even feel it. i didn’t feel anything except my heart breaking yet again.

[happiiisadkiddo]

they told me that writing would help me make sense of it

the moment he told me. i felt like my whole world shatter. everything slipped away from me. i couldn’t feel anything. everything got softer. i couldn’t breathe and everything fell from my grasp. he didn’t love me. and suddenly nothing in the world made sense and even writing couldn’t fix it..

[happiiisadkiddo]

my heart has just been broken into pieces

they tell you about heartbreak. about sitting in your room at 3am crying about the boy that didn’t love you back. but they didn’t really tell you. my god. it is brutal. these words in these poems, on tumblr, could not ever capture the truly horrifying nature of heartbreak. words could not possibly truly describe how it actually feels. the physical feeling of your heartbreaking. the tears and tears that just won’t stop.  the numbness you feel. the way you can’t talk to anyone about it. the wanting to die over a stupid boy. the fact that you could never hate the person that made you this way, and how much that thought destroys you. no amount of words on a page could ever prepare you for this feeling.. & i had to learn the hard way. whatever you think heartbreak will feel like, trust me... it’s a million times worse.

[happiiisadkiddo]

some thoughts ; seven

i can’t talk to my friends. i can’t talk to anyone. they’re too good, they deserve more. they care about me a lot, i know they do. and that’s precisely why i can’t burden them with my problems. i can’t do it to them. i’m truly alone, aren’t i?

[happiiisadkiddo]

some thoughts ; six

it’s out. he brought it out. the worst part of me will never die. it’s always there, sitting, watching, waiting for these feelings. so it can feed on them. this is more than heartbreak. it kills me. i thought that depression would never come our ever again. i was kidding myself. it was right, i will forever be cursed with this disease. leave. i would do anything to get this poison out of me. it’s torture. it’s just the beginning. don’t torture me again. i’m not gonna be able to handle it. god, why did i have to open my heart?

[happiiisadkiddo]

some thoughts ; five

my biggest fear is that i’m toxic. what if i’m a poisonous person without meaning to be. that kills me. the thought of me hurting the people i love the most hurts my soul. what if i just don’t realise the toxicity of myself? what if he said everything everyone was thinking. it’s too much, upsetting my loved ones. it breaks my heart. i have nothing left. there’s nothing. i am empty. i have nothing. please, just give me something

[happiiisadkiddo]

a pact w/ myself —

the next time i’m in a relationship i have to be really sure. i need to actually like him, and actually like myself. i can’t be with someone unless i feel like i’m okay with myself, because i feel like i’m hurting both myself and them. i know i’m young, and obviously i’m going to have more relationships until i find my soulmate and one true love, and i don’t want to cause any more unnecessary pain. i feel like i need to find my true self and not hate myself at least to have a proper, healthy relationship. i can’t depend on another person. my worth is not based on if someone meets my expectations or not, and how someone treats me, because that doesn’t reflect who i am as a person, and will always end in disappointment and heartbreak.

i need to learn how to be alone so that i can prevent my future self to unhealthily rely on others. by doing this, i think i’ll finally be able to realise how i should be treated. honestly, my self esteem is so low that i don’t even realise if i’m being treated poorly.

no more hurt, for me, or anyone else. i’m going to try to make peace with myself and become mentally stable, so that i’ll be able to properly love someone and in turn receive the love i deserve and recognise that.