hamilton--mariah-blog

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Mariah held her breath, waiting for Aria to say it, but in the end she didn't, and once again, she was thankful. "Yeah." She mumbled, dropping her head back into her arms. She was struggling with coming to terms with everything-- everytime she tried to reason with herself, or thought about what he might be doing over there, she slipped between reality and her mind. Having Aria there was keeping here in the moment. "It is." She said softly. "It is important. he--- he's wanted to for a...a long time now." She stole a glance at Aria for a moment, before focusing her eyes back on the wall with a shrug of her shoulders. "I do support him. I'm--...I'm so proud of him. I just-- yeah, it hurts." She couldn't say much more, she didn't know how to put that empty ache into words. "How have-- how are you?"

“War? But people di –” Aria caught herself before finishing her sentence, her word. Mostly for Mariah, but partly for herself. Death was a sensitive topic recently. But, Aria didn’t understand why Jacob would sign up to go to war, if he had someone waiting here at home. “It must be something really important to him, if he left you here. I guess.. we just have to hope that he’ll get home safely.” Though, she paused, before looking over towards the girl, “But, I bet it hurts. That he could leave you behind, even with all the glance backs in the world. He still got on that plane. And, I’m sorry. But, you have to support him. Because, he would have done the same for you, I think.”

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Mariah had never been good at dealing with her emotions-- she usually kept them in silently, and didn't let them show. But, this? This was different. She wanted-- no, she needed to talk to someone, but she really couldn't. Just a few select people-- and none of those were professionals. "Kuwait, or Iraq. One of those....wore-torn countries on the other side of the world." She said softly, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Went off and joined the army. He-- uh, he says he is but...but it's the Army. You never know."

Truth be told, it was definitely a security guard thing. They brought stability, but they also couldn’t keep it to save their lives. “I’m sorry. Where’d he go?” Probably where Steven went. To Prickafornia. Her heart went out to Mariah, but on the same token, Aria was feeling anger as opposed to sadness that she was dealing with. “Is he going to come back?”

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

"When I leave..." {{Letter #1}}

I think I know you a bit too well– tell me if I’m right: I left, we said goodbye, it hurt. The car left, you waited to see if it was real or not, if I came back. I didn’t, you went to your room, had a moment or two by yourself. Then you remembered this weird looking package that your chipmunk cheeked boyfriend gave you. You opened it up, and you saw a bunch letters, and you eventually found this one. Don’t worry, this is really the only one that’s kind of timed… figured it would be the first one, too.

So, I wrote a whole bunch of letters for you. I think it’s kind of funny, considering you’re the writer here, and the last time I had to write something I was in high school. I titled each of them, and put them in a little envelope for you to open them whenever you needed to. I know I’m usually the person you go to, even just to tell about you day…. and I also know that I’m not there any more. It’s going to be really hard to keep in contact through all of this, I think we both realize that, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I was kind hoping this might help, if I can plan ahead a little bit, help you when you need it.

This is #1. This will probably be the hardest one for me to write, because quite frankly I have no idea what I’m doing. I just know that right now, you’re probably hurting a lot. You feel betrayed, alone, upset…. and it’s okay to feel those things. It’s okay. It’s normal. I just don’t want you to feel that way forever, or feel that it’ll stay this way for a long time. Every day, it’ll get a little bit easier. You might not feel it, but slowly, over time, you’ll look back and notice that some things weren’t as hard as they used to be. Might seem hard to believe, but trust me on this one. Nothing lasts forever, not this, not my tour. You’re strong enough, you’re going to learn to do things more on your own, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t want you to just be ‘okay’ while I’m gone… I want you to be able to live, to talk to people, have fun, make friends, and then when I come back I’ll be able to join you in on those, you can show me around your life and all the things you’ve done.

Mostly, I just want you to know tat it’s okay, and I love you. Don’t beat yourself up over it though; don’t just lock yourself away, sit in your room. I promise it’ll be easier if you don’t. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, I’m with you 100% of the way. You -and Trevor, and Jack- are always here with me.

I love you so much.

-Jacob

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Mariah hadn't expected Aria to wander in. In fact, Aria was actually the last person she thought it would be-- she had heard about what was going on, but never felt like it was her place to offer support. She didn't really know how too. Yet, here Aria was, and admittedly, Mariah was thankful. Taking a shaky breath, she shut her eyes. "Jacob left." She said quietly, clearing her voice before it could break.

She wasn’t exactly sure why she had wandered into her old roommate’s room. Maybe she missed the familiarity of this place, that sharing that stupid room brought, or maybe, she just needed someone to talk to. Though, obviously, Mariah needed it more. Upon entering, she looked at the note, rolled her eyes and ignoring the message completely, before flopping onto the other bed, “What’s wrong, Mariah? Don’t give me bullshit, and don’t tell me to go away, because you know I’m not going to listen. So, let’s jump right to the chase, yeah?”

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Mariah was growing increasingly annoyed. Not only had the boy ignored what she had written, but he was someone she didn't know who stepped into her room. 'Can you not read?' She wrote, 'I told you to go away.' She tossed the paper back to the boy not even bothering to look up.

Jaden picked up the piece of paper before reading it quickly. He folded up the piece of paper before replying. “It me.” he said before realsing that she probably didn’t know who he was since he was still so new to Serenity. “I’m Jaden.”

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

The familiar voice was a welcomed sound, but she still pressed her face into her arms. The whole situation was complicated, and she didn't now how to talk to someone about this. But it was Jace. "Bad day." She mumbled quietly, just loud enough for him to hear. Looking back up at him, she shrugged softly, before scribbling something else down. 'And I can't talk about it. That's why it's so fucking shitty. I hate it.'

Jace had been absentmindedly wandering the corridor’s of Serenity, studiously avoiding both the cafeteria and Jessica, when he walked past an open door and glanced in. He halted at what he saw, and stepped inside the room, hovering in the door way. “Mariah?” he asked, before he noticed the piece of paper she’d shoved at him, and ignoring it. “What’s going on?”

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Hearing footsteps, Mariah pressed her face into her arm. She couldn't deal with others right now-- she just wanted to be alone. She waited silently, hoping whoever had stepped in would leave, but to no avail, it didn't seem like it. She quickly ripped out a piece of paper from a notebook and scribbled down a note for them, before crumpling it and whipping it in their direction.

'GO AWAY.'

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

This was it. The last few minutes with him weighed heavily on her shoulder. She knew she couldn't follow him to his apartment and help him grab his things, she couldn't see him off at the door. This, in the tiny secluded hallway, was all they had. She nodded, she would write everyday whether or not he could read them. She'd write to him like when they first met, spilling her words out onto paper. "I will." She reassured him, taking another hiccuped breath. "I'll write everyday. Even if I can't send them." Like a cruelly timed joke, Jacob's name was read out over the speaker system, calling him down to the front foyer. It was over. Mariah dropped her hands and took another shaking breath. "Be....be safe, okay? Don't-- don't do anything stupid to...to get yourself hurt, or...or..." She said, fully aware of the fact that she was crying now. "I love you, okay? No...no matter what, I love you. Don't....forget that. You should--- you should go. I-I..." God, she needed to get it together. She could break down once he left, but not now. "I-I'll be waiting. Right here." She leaned in, once more, and kissed him-- hard, and desperate as she tried to pour everything into it while simultaneously trying to memorize the press of his lips against hers. Eventually, she pulled away and wiped at her eyes. "Write to me, please."

Feels a bit weird to be leaving this place.

He did feel a tinge of embarrassment, but if there was any time he figured he was allowed to cry, or even show a little bit of emotion, it was here right now. Whether you had been in the army before or not, no one ever judged any personnel for crying at goodbyes. That’s something he had learned; no matter how tough they made you be, this was one thing everyone acknowledged and respected. They weren’t just passing ships– this was their final destination. For a little while, at least, they’d have to be apart… but it wasn’t going to be forever. He needed her to believe him right now, more than anything else. Jake knew he had lied before, but this was the truth: this was where he was coming back. His family was here, in every meaning of the word. “You can tell me all about it; I know you like writing, so tell me about it every day, everything you do. Even if you’re not able to send it… I’ll read it when I get back. It’ll be like I didn’t miss anything at all,” he said hopefully with a small smile. That’s the only image he could picture right now, coming home and having everything resume back to normal. What happened in between then and now, though, was one big question mark. His smile faltered slightly as it started to sink in again. “They’re going to call me down soon…” the words tore from his lips, not wanting to say them but knowing it was going to happen sooner or later.

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Mariah was almost stunned to see the tears in JAcob's eyes-- she was so used to him being the strong, stoic savious in her moments of dispair, yet, here he was feeling deeply enough to even let himself reach that point. If anything, it just made MAriah hold on tighter. There time together was moving uickly, too quickly. "You are the only one, Jake. You're it." She mumbled. Usually, there movement were graceful, soft kisses, gentle hands-- but today was different, desperate in a way through fear of losing one another mixed with emotion. Not their brightest, classiest moments, but who was watching? No one. She listened to him speak whispered words, and nodded her head. He was coming back. "I believe you." She said softly, looking up through tear filled brown eyes. It hurt now, more than ever. She wasn't entirely convinced, but she knew there was a possibility she'd be okay. "Just wish you'd be here to see it." She mumbled softly, voice breaking as more tears threatened to spill.

Feels a bit weird to be leaving this place.

He could feel everything she was feeling; it was so clear to him in the way she tried to keep herself composed. But, there were little giveaways, little tell tales that told him she was trying her best to keep it in. “Well you can’t just let me be the only one,” he said with a small nervous chuckle, reaching up and using the back of his palm to wipe a stray tear that had escaped. He was usually pretty good at dealing with it in other ways, but once other people started crying, it was almost contagious. Their kisses were unpracticed, messy through the tears, but meaningful none the less. “I’m coming back. This is where you are, and Trevor and Jack…. this is where I’m coming back,” he replied, nodding his head. If there was one thing he was certain of, it was that. Jake was surprised to feel a small sense of pride with her words. He wasn’t sure if he had pushed it enough for her to believe it, but hearing it from her…. it was certainly reassuring. He knew she was going to be okay, and it definitely wasn’t going to be easy… but you don’t get there without being here first. “You’re going to do it,” he nodded, his voice not allowing him to say anything more. 

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Trying to imagine waking up, knowing that Jacob wasn't there, and wouldn't be back for a very long time was like knives being shoved and left in her chest. It was an empty sort of pain, something she didn't know would ever go away. She was scared, and worried, and angry, and upset and a hundred thousand other different emotions at once, and holding them in were seeming impossible. Her tears fell quicker as her breath hiccupped, taking a few moments to let herself cry quietly, fingers grabbing onto him for dear life. This was it. It was over. Jacob was leaving Mariah behind to navigate everything on her own. "I don't want to spend this time a gross sobbing mess..." She hiccupped, not bothering to wipe her eyes. There was no use, she'd be creating more every second. "It doesn't have to be Seattle. It doesn't have to be anywhere specific. I don't care where we are. I just need you to come back so we can make that decision." She explained softly, nudging her nose against his and catching his lips in another kiss. "I don't want you to leave" She admitted after a moment of silence. "And I'm angry that I don't want you to-- stupidly, selfishly, angry.  You know, I've-- I've learned how to do thing around here, how to navigate all of this with you. I'm just-- when you leave, I'm kind of...I have to relearn it all. I--...I know I'm going to be okay, but I-I...I know it's going to be hard.

Feels a bit weird to be leaving this place.

Saying goodbye t Trevor and Mariah was a lot harder than he had imagined. Neither worse or easier than the other, but they were both emotional goodbyes in very different ways. At this point in time, Jacob wasn’t sure he’d be able to physically let go of her. His arms were wrapped around her tightly, as if this was the last time he’d hold her. And, for a while, it would be. Jake heard her small voice, and there was only one thing he could say to that: “It’s okay to cry,” the male whispered. Of course he wanted her to be strong, but the last thing he wanted was for her to bottle it up. Maybe, even in some way, he said it for himself as well. It was painful to watch Mariah speak, the hurt so evident in her words. “I will,” he said, clearing his throat slightly to stop his own tears from forming. “We’ll have the rest of forever, in Seattle, just like we planned,”

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Mariah felt like her heart was breaking, shattering into a million pieces and burning a hole deep in her chest. How the past two weeks had gone by so quickly, she didn't know, but this was it. In a few hours, Jacob would be leaving She knew his apartment was most likely already packed, his clothes and everything that felt like home to her put away neatly in boxes and suitcases. Some going with him, some going to storage. Mariah's lifeline, her anchor, was leaving, and she couldn't see him off. This was her goodbye. Fingers gripped tighter to fabric, pulling her body closer, flushed against his. She wanted to memorize everything, the way his hands felt on her face, the warmth of his body against hers, the smell of his cologne mixed with something that was so Jacob. She wouldn't have that for much longer. "I love you too..." She choked out, another soft sob threatening to push back her lips as she pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. Tears formed and fell quickly. "Come back to me, yeah? Don't you dare think of not coming back." She reminded him, voice breaking as she pressed her forehead against his, and shutting her eyes, willing the tears to stop. "I still want forever with you-- not a memory, or an ache that sits deep in my chest for the rest of my life because you're not there. I want one with you." She mumbled, opening her eyes to look back at him.

Feels a bit weird to be leaving this place.

Jacob did let out a small laugh, “Yeah, that would be him…. he’s not a huge fan of the whole ‘people have emotions, including me’ thing,” that was the best way he could describe it, at least. He would’ve been a bit caught off guard if it was only Mariah that he acted towards, but it seemed to be a pretty common stance for his brother. Hopefully, given some time, it would get better and he could adjust. He had to save up, a lot, for that necklace, but there was never a doubt in his mind, and there certainly wasn’t one now. Jacob had tried his best to be the one who was steady, who knew what was going on and what the plan was… but as soon as she turned around, all of that disappeared, even if only for a moment. “I love you,” he said, his voice incredibly quiet, “and I’m going to do my absolute best… and then, I’ll come home,”

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Mariah shrugged her shoulders gently, still pressed close to Jacob as she was scared he'd disappear at any second. At his questions about Trevor, she shook her head, letting out a breath. "I was kind of....upset. He told me to suck it up, pretty much." She chuckled softly, brushing it off. She wanted to be friends with Jacob's brother, she just didn't know how-- but having him around while JAcob was gone wouldn't be too bad. Mariah felt the col touch of the silver chain around her neck, eyes fluttering closed as she brought her hand up to touch the tiny pendant. It was small, and understated, yet still so gorgeous, that it practically took Mariah's breath away. Hearing his words, she shut her eyes tightly, the reality of the situation hitting her hard; she could lose Jacob. That was a very good possibility. Quickly, she turned around and brought her arms up around his neck, pressing herself close. "I'm going to miss you, Jacob. So much..." Her voice broke softly as her face fought against crumbling. Don't cry.

Feels a bit weird to be leaving this place.

Contrary to popular belief, he was trying to do the right thing… it wasn’t easy, and there had been a couple of fumbles, but he had tried his best to go about this whole process it the right way. “Yeah? How’d that go??” Jacob couldn’t help but laugh a little. “That’s just Trevor, don’t worry.. He’s got issues with…. people. Especially when things aren’t going the way he’d like. He’ll come around, though,” the older male replied hopefully. Either way, it was a start, and Jacob hoped it was just a phase for his brother. He knew luxury items could be pretty materialistic, but he wanted to be able to physically show her how much she meant to him…even if he wasn’t there, at least something would be. It was simple, but it didn’t distract from it’s elegance–or Mariah’s. As he put the necklace on, he didn’t even have to see it on her from in fron to know how beautiful it looked. The necklace was nowhere close to distracting from her; if anything, it was the complete opposite. “I’m always going to be here,” he said quietly, his face once again close to hers. Even if he wasn’t physically there, he still was. 

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Mariah didn't want Jacob to feel guilty, really, she didn't. Jacob was doing a noble thing, and she knew that, and she was incredibly proud of him for it-- she just hated that he was leaving. "I-- uh, talked to Trevor yesterday." She said, a small breath of a laugh escaping her lips. "I don't know if he likes me all that much. But...I'm glad I'm not, you know, alone in this...." She explained quietly. She didn't know Jack, nor was she incredibly willing to talk to him yet-- but all thoughts were cut off as Jacob pressed his lips to hers. Her breath caught in her throat, fingers twitching over the fabric of his shirt as she kissed him back. Soon though, there lips parted and she was staring back down at the box. She reached out gently, eyes moving from Jacob's face to the box in her hands. Opening the lid slowly, she glanced down at the necklace, jaw falling open slightly, tears coming to her eyes. "I--- wow. It's....it's beautiful. You didn't-- you didn't have too, really. But.....thank you." She mumbled out, not trusting her voice louder than a whisper as she looked back up at him. "Help me put it on..." She asked as she turned around, pulling her hair off her shoulder.

Feels a bit weird to be leaving this place.

Jacob understood what she meant, and he did feel a bit responsible for all of it. After all, it did kind of revolve around him, and what he did…. and he felt at fault for sucking in the people that he did. Hopefully, if all went well, they’d at least be able to talk to each other and have some sort of support system. Maybe it would be good for her, prompt her to speak up a bit more? “But you do have people you can talk about it with. Trevor’s in the same position as you, and Jack’s been through this before… he knows all the details, he’ll be able to tell you all the army babble,” he replied with a half smile. The words ‘I love you too’ barely escaped his lips before he pressed them to hers. Just don’t think about it, he reminded himself, wondering when would be the last time he could do this. He wasn’t really ‘in’ with all of these things, but he did know a couple. 1. Mariah deserved to have something nice, especially with him leaving. 2. Every girl loved Tiffany’s. The attendant at the store had been super helpful, and he’d gotten a little bit of help. He decided that a simple pendant would be best; a platinum chain with a diamond stone. He shook his head, dismissing her protest. “Nope. None of that. You’re opening it,” he chuckled.

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Mariah knew that she'd have to deal with the consequences of holding everything in later; it was complicated, because this would be something she would want to talk about to her therapist, but she couldn't. It was a maze she had to navigate herself-- and that was scary. Fingers came up, straightening out his collar from where she had been fiddling with it earlier. "I--...I haven't. Maybe...maybe after you leave. I can't...you know, really talk to any body else about this except Trevor, and him." She shrugged, taking another intake of breath, her breath gently catching in her throat as he leaned in closer. "I love you." She mumbled quietly, a smile pulling at her lips. "Jacob, really. You didn't have to do anything I don't--..." She stopped as Jacob pulled out something out, her breath catching in her throat as she looked down at the box, fingers ghosting over the top of it for a moment. "Jacob." She said softly. It was meant to be scolding, knowing that he was spoiling her, but it just came out as an amazed sort of gasp. She didn't have nice things, and this was definitely a nice thing.

Feels a bit weird to be leaving this place.

The hardest part about all of this was definitely finding a balance. A balance between acknowledging what was happening and being able to deal with it, and wanting to pretend nothing was wrong and carrying on like normal. It was a rock and a hard place. Jacob nodded; she was smart, and of course that’s exactly what his thought was, too. “That’s what I was hoping. Have you talked to him yet…?” he asked curiously. He wasn’t necessarily in a good place with Jack right now, but he was hoping the older man would be able to see past that if it came down to it. “I love it,” he smirked, a small chuckle escaping his lips as his face got ever so slightly closer to hers. “I would be a horrible boyfriend if I didn’t. And besides… I wanted too. Well, this one will have to wait,” he said, gesturing to the packet, “But… this one can be now,” and he pulled out a small rectangular robin’s egg blue coloured box.

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

Mariah let him hold her, fingers tightening just a little too much into the fabric of his shirt. Don't think about it. Don't think about it--- she reminded herself in a personal mantra. Jacob was here now and that's what mattered. "Maybe...maybe Jack would tell us, on the side, you know? Without consent from the hospital. I need to know you're okay." She said softly-- maybe she was thinking too...'glass-half-full' about the entire situation. Really, the hospital could choose not to tell them at all-- especially Mariah, because she wasn't family. Shaking the thought out of her eye, she looked up at him with a gentle roll of her eyes. "It's a cute twitching thing, thank you very much." She said softly, trying to lighten the mood just a little bit. Mariah stepped away slightly as he pulled the packet from his bag. Furrowing her eyebrows together, she tried to stop any tears that threatened to escape. "Jake-- you didn't...you didn't have to give me anything." She said quietly, her mind flashing to Jacob's present that sat in her room. "What is it...?"

Feels a bit weird to be leaving this place.

“Of course,” he said, holding her a bit closer. It still hadn’t quite hit him that soon he wouldn’t even be able to do that any more. “I did think about it, though… You, Trevor, my mom, and Jack. Even if it’s the army, that might be all the more reason for them to keep it out. If it’s handled the wrong way, it could be a pretty big hit… so you and Trev might not get it right away,” Jacob wasn’t entirely sure how it would work; there were so many systems, so different people it had to go through and be cleared by… at the same time, he was hoping they never would have to find out. He felt a mixture of guilt and responsibility; she was important to him, but Jake knew he held a special place to Mariah. “That’s because your eye does the twitching thing,” he replied lightly with a small smile.”But, that’s why I do have something for you… you can’t open it until I leave, though,” he said, pulling out a packet from his bag.

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

jacob-marshall:

We always do, right?

“Yeah…” he said, nodding slowly. “They found an earlier flight through Europe… Idaho, New York, London, Baghdad,” it wasn’t the easiest thing for him to say, but he knew it was better to just say it now. He shut his eyes for a moment, feeling a bit of pain for her. “No promises, but…. I put you on my contact list as well. So if something did happen, you would find out the same time my mom does, and the same time as Trevor. The only thing that might stop that is being in here…. they’re pretty tough about censoring any outside information and contact,” especially working as security, he knew how strict they were. They wanted to keep the focus inside the building, not out of it. “You’re going to be okay…. you have friends here too, you said it yourself, you’re even making new ones, too,”

"Been through hell and back, and we'll do it again. It's worth it."

Mariah shut her eyes, listening to him list off the countries he'd be flying into and, in turn, farther away from her. She felt her chest constricting and squeezing her heart as she pressed her face back into his chest, breathing him in for a moment. But, as he spoke, she looked up at him, swallowing. "You...you put me on your contact list...?" She asked slowly, tilting her head to the side. Feeling a little bit of happiness and comfort, knowing that she'd be notified-- even if it were censored. "If it's-- if it's coming from the Army, don't you think it would be... important? Like, they'd tell me...?" She said quietly, taking another shaky breath. IT was weighing on her shoulders, knowing that soon he'd be gone, half way across the world-- but she tried to ignore it, for now, at least. "I know. I just--...But it's not-- they're not you. You know when I'm a mess even when I don't know I'm a mess. You're my....you're my person, Jacob."

Feels a bit weird to be leaving this place.

[hamilton--mariah-blog]

"I--...we'll figure it out. It'll be hard...but we'll figure it out."

 Mariah sighed, pressing her nose into the collar of his shirt, fingers tightening in the fabric as he spoke. "Sooner than we thought?" She asked quietly, gazing up at him with a small frown. "I just-- I'm proud of you. Don't...don't think I'm not, because I am. I'm so proud of you." She started, fiddling with his collar. "Just...knowing that you'll be over there and...and if something happens they-- you know, no one will tell me because I'm not family, and...and no one knows we're together. I mean-- Trevor, he might. But...still. No one has to tell me anything." She said quietly, chewing her bottom lip. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you."

Feels a bit weird to be leaving this place.

Ugh, okay, well… what about phone calls. Those are always made in private anyways. It’s not going to be easy, but… it doesn’t have to be hard either.

Mariah, it’s coming, it’s happening. They found an earlier flight, so it’s… soon. Really soon. I don’t want to avoid it and pretend like nothing’s happening; remember the last time that happened? I don’t want you to just… avoid feelings things… it’s okay…