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i just saw the funniest most completely baseless map of anything i've ever seen in my entire life

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Not to be tmi but why is everyone so bad at eating pussy. What are we teaching in these schools

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When we were in sixth grade a glass teapot exploded boiling water on my best friend and gave her second-degree burns all over her legs and it was such a horrifying sight i have been so vigilant about boiling water for seventeen years until right at this moment hours before a date where I just did the same thing all over my left hand and arm. amazing. i'm gonna have to wrap gauze around myself before i go to the restaurant like i time travelled from world war 2. the moral here is to never make tea.

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Dr Leo Spaceman, you’ve just been elected surgeon general of the United States

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knowledge is knowing how to build a cybertruck but wisdom is knowing that smart people don't put orange camouflage shells on explosive minecraft-ass looking deloreans

IQ tests are silly and not scientifically sound except for the two minutes today during which I found out the mine is 5 points higher than elon musk.

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Unification (2024)

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Sondheim would’ve laughed at this joke. He would’ve found me personally to be creatively and morally bankrupt but he would’ve laughed

the funny thing about working for a tech giant is you basically only work for tech giants going forward so your resume is just Mary's parts in the song "opening doors" like i'm moving to tiktok i met a musician i threw out the story and the musician i'm moving to google my parents are visiting i'm starting at meta or apple we'll worry about it on sunday

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these would fix me

sorry to bother you 🤝 the substance

me completely blocking out the body horror to try to buy the whimsical earrings featured

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sorry to bother you 🤝 the substance

me completely blocking out the body horror to try to buy the whimsical earrings featured

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HALT AND CATCH FIRE (2014-2017) 3x06 - AND SHE WAS | 3X09 - NIM

bonus:

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To maybe lighten the mood, what got you interested in Helluva Boss/what do you like about it?

I was a teen of the “move I’m gay” generation and thus the mere sound of Brandon Rogers voice sends me into hysterical laughter

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I watched the pilot of that terrible cruise boat show and I really like that we’ve reached the point in society where a character's tragic backstory is “I got covid pretty bad one time but now I’m fine.”

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Ben Affleck pitching Ken/Stewy AI fanfiction on a panel is like that house post that’s all ‘you have to be a little gay to understand this joke. You have to be very gay to make it.'

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Kaitlin Olson playing Sherlock Holmes in miniskirts and fluffy pink jackets is the greatest choice network tv has ever made. even more than the throuple stuff that's apparently happening on that cruise ship

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i was also just informed by my buddy jessie we went to college with the guy who plays aaron hernandez and in fact i met him several times at parties, incidents i have absolutely no memory of. i'm the perfect person to live in los angeles because i am incapable of leveraging tenuous connections for sleazy reasons due to my inability to remember anyone's fucking face

the Aaron Hernandez show said “we’re the New England Patriots and we do the right thing” which is the hardest I’ve ever laughed at a true crime miniseries outside of “we’re fucking Walgreens and we’re walking”

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It’s so funny when my California friends try to talk about my feelings in depth with me when I say I’m feeling sad because when my best friend of 23 years and I are depressed we just send this tweet back and forth

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me: halle stop taking pictures of santa monica beach whenever you're sad

also me: no 😊