halfcafhaibun

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New post. Please share if it helps or encourages you.

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My essay about my relationship with my grandfather has been published.

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I do not know what other people listen to ambient or other instrumental music for. To be honest, I am not sure why I do. But I am pretty sure that whatever your reason, this wonderful project of long form pieces fits.

There are times the music is almost too quiet, and I find myself turning it up and then being knocked down by a sudden increase in volume. But that, I feel, is more about how I should take more care than about a flaw in the recording.

Moving in parts, and relaxing in others, I think Music for Animals is a delightful addition to the soundscape.

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New book of meditations coming Christmas Eve. Pre-order now.

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When

I want, sometimes -- at moments like this --, to give up this throwing after words, even reading them, and go to a beach to be swallowed by the sound of the sea. Movement is hard when so many competing responsibilities and anxieties shout over my senses.

And in these times it is hard to move and hard to pray. But I must.

I have to make the attempt to walk into God’s presence, though my feet are cold and seem -- when the moments like this come -- frozen in place. I have to hope Christ, who knows all suffering, has not left me in the steam stifling, beast filled woods.

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Unattended

Like an untreated bronchial infection can turn into pneumonia, frustration ignored can lead to bitterness, then to anger. To many, frustration looks like anger, and not knowing or caring about the cause, the problem gets ignored or the sufferer is at best belittled, vilified at worst. Left unattended (not unchecked), the likely conclusion is some form of avoidable death.

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For the Suffering

Most people have advice for the suffering. Few have an empathetic ear. Fewer still have godly love.

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Deeply Held Lies

Remember the Supreme Court case Masterpiece Cakeshop Ltd. v. Colorado Civil Rights Commission? Depending on how you look at the facts (and those withheld), this case was either over whether a religious baker should be forced to make his product for a same-sex couple or whether that couple had been discriminated against if the baker refused their business. Now I don’t want to get into the case in detail, because from my vantage point, both sides had impure motives.

What I want to focus on is the language of the Court’s ruling. Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote, “The Civil Rights Commission’s treatment of his case has some elements of a clear and impermissible hostility toward the sincere religious beliefs that motivated his objection.” After the decision, the phrase “sincere religious beliefs” was tossed all over with pundits and politicians and late night talk show hosts pontificating about what that means.

But I digress. Well, sort of. Several years ago, I and thousands of other educators expressed a deeply held (though not particularly religious) belief that allowing students to carry concealed weapons was not only dangerous, but chilled free speech, and thus violated the First Amendment. Despite the establishment of so-called “gun free zones,” only a handful of places on college campuses can be (at least in Texas) really gun free. This includes the offices of instructors, most of whom are sitting ducks should anyone bring in a weapon.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott is about to sign into law a permitless carry bill, allowing people who people to carry a handgun without a permit (and presumably without any formal training in its use). Basically, people who do not have anything legally keeping them from owning or operating a handgun will be able to take them where they want, including my classroom and my office.

Now Abbott has signed an executive order which prohibits anyone in a government building from requiring people to wear masks. It does not matter what sincere beliefs I have or even what the facts of science say: I cannot keep a student or colleague from entering my physical space at work, even if I think this person puts me at risk by not wearing a mask. Keep in mind that those most adamantly refusing to wear a mask also refuse to get vaccinated or practice social distancing.

In the same legislative session, lawmakers are making it illegal to teach anything about how race and racial disparity have shaped our history and government. Lt. Governor Dan Patrick, in fact, calls anything that even considers the racist underpinnings of history or laws a “myth.” In the guise of focusing on what some believe are the “positive” elements of our history, we really have just a bunch of good old boys clamoring for good old days that never existed. You know, because according to these guys there is no racism because, you know, Lincoln freed the Martin Luther Kings to dream of a few years ago when we had a black president, y’all.

I am sure of few of you readers will accuse me of being unwilling to accept the deeply held values and beliefs of other people. That is only half true. I am willing to try and understand what people believe. Since 2016 and even more during the pandemic, I’ve tried and sometimes learned something about where anti-mask, anti-vax, and pro-gun citizens get their ideas and where reasonable coexistence can occur. My conservative students, colleagues, co-workers deserve their voice to be heard.

However, Abbott and Patrick pander to an increasingly rabid base, spewing falsities and poison, based not on facts or reason. And the “deeply held beliefs” largely come from the dogma of the Trump cult. The January sixth insurrection is but one example of what happens when lies become beliefs.

Democracy is just an exercise in who is manipulating who to politicians when they pretend to care about the beliefs of only those who advance their careers. These are people who claim to stand up for what is right when the only stand they take is the one their focus groups tell them. They do not even suffer politically from the consequences of their words and actions. I cannot protect myself at work from anti-vaxxers or gun nuts who carry their diseases and their armaments in the name of “God-given rights” that no religious text supports. These assholes think they need to protect themselves from learning (Egad!) the truth about race in a History course and assailants that don’t exist. They need to protect themselves from these priests of deception.

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what work needs doing

Too often I am Martha when my heart wants me to be Mary. I frequently answer Jesus, “But the work must be done, Lord or no in the house.”

Jesus says Martha is distracted with many things. As am I. And if I am honest, many of these are not the necessary work, but work I have convinced myself is essential to sit at the feet of Christ. Like Martha, I too often invite Jesus in (it was her who did so, not Mary), and then ignore Him.

It seems counter to common sense that one must discipline oneself to do what ought to come from love. I remember when the fervor of first love had me desiring nothing but God’s presence, His words, or even His silences all the food or breath I wanted. Now, at an age where one perhaps should be wise and deeply connected to God, I must train my body with quiet to go where my spirit needs to be.

How else will I ever do the work He asks of me, and not the same work to glorify myself?

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a crown made of cloud

The playground here is designed like pieces of a repurposed castle connected by chains and bars for swinging and climbing. I sat at a nearby picnic bench this morning to meditate, facing one of the spires. Above the structure, the sky was an astonishing cornflower blue broken up just a little by clusters of white-gray clouds.

At some point, I opened my eyes and noted one long cloud that seemed like a banner dislodged from its station and floating harmlessly away. Another cloud, hanging directly over the spire, was a crown, perhaps as a child might have drawn it, the colors making it seem to be made of mottled concrete.

I closed my eyes again and tried to focus on my breathing. A breeze caressed my face and arms. From somewhere behind me I could hear the buzz of a distant lawnmower. From different directions, jays called to each other in comfortable conversation.

It was at the same time I was opening my eyes and taking a slightly deeper breath that a crow cawed in what was certainly its normal voice, but bellicose in comparison to the other noises around me. I saw then that the crown, like all kingdoms, had disappeared.