hailraykin

[hailraykin]

Ch: 1 — Leaning Into The Afternoons

Sometimes, in the right moment, in the right setting, in the right frame of mind, music has the terrifying ability to take you back in time. 

Such was what happened to Ranveer on a certain windy late afternoon. They had just finished with their last lesson of the day, and he was having trouble untying his ghunghru. That was when his friend, Aditya, took it upon himself to help him with it. He hummed an offkey tune while doing so; a fantastic dancer, no doubt, but not much of a singer. Ranveer didn't mind, except for when it took him right back to his eight year old self.

He remembered sitting on the cold floor of their living room, exhausted after his kathak lesson as his teacher and aunt, Mamta, untied his ghunghru while humming to herself.

He always missed her around this time of the year. With the early winter sun dipping lower and lower in the horizon and everything smelling of citrus fruits, he missed her more than ever. The mere memory of a calloused, alta-stained hand patting his head left a gaping hole in the place where his heart was supposed to be. The question that he was avoiding all year would hunt him down and demand answers. Why did she just disappear? Where was she now? Didn't she think about how much Ranveer would miss her if she was gone? Did it matter if she did? She was gone now and there was no one to comfort Ranveer but himself. 

“You look spaced out,” Aditya commented. There was genuine concern in his tone. One of Ranveer's ankles was bare of the comforting weight of the ghungru and he was already moving to the other leg. “You've been spacing out a lot recently. Are you alright?”

“Sorry, I just… have a lot on my mind lately. I haven't been sleeping well, that might be it.”

Aditya looked at him in a way that said, ‘Your mom doesn't scold you enough.' and ‘I know you don't want me to pity you but you're seriously pathetic.’ at the same time.

“Don't say that,” Ranveer said indignantly. 

Aditya turned his attention back to the string of bells on Ranveer's ankle and murmured, “I didn't say anything.”

There was no winning against Aditya. He was like Ranveer's mother, always caring, always helping, always right in every argument. There was nothing Ranveer could do against him except accepting his mistake. 

He was about to do that when a call of his name interrupted him. “Ranveer, can you come here for a minute?”

He looked around for the source of the sound and found Mrs Anand standing at the door. There was an unreadable expression on her face that brought Ranveer right back to his senses. Frankly, she made Ranveer nervous. He had never even talked to her face to face.

“Me?” he asked stupidly.

“Yes, Ranveer, you. I don't think there are any other Ranveers in this class.”

Confused, Ranveer glanced at Aditya and saw him mouthing ‘go’.  Slowly, he made his way out of his kathak class. He couldn't think of any reason the dance society coordinator would call on him. He was pretty sure her only job right now was to organise the upcoming competition that is taking place in their university. And only because she is so dead set on doing a job, he thought, given it was her eighth month of pregnancy.  

“Come out for a while. Sit with me.”

Ranveer sat on a metal bench right outside the room. Mrs Anand took the seat beside him.

“So,” she started, and seemed to have some trouble gathering the words. That unnerved Ranveer; she was never awkward. Or worried. If something was making her stressed it was sure to be stressful. 

“So?” he asked as politely as he could.

“Do you know about the competition?”

Of course he did. It was the biggest annual Inter-University Competition Of Performative Arts of India. And it was being hosted by their university this year. 

Ranveer would have to be really ignorant or really, really stupid to not know about it after all that talk. “Yes,” he answered hesitatingly.

“We need a classical dancer for it, and you're the best choice,” she said. 

Best choice? There had to be better choices than a fourth year kathak student who has only ever performed in his own university. There were at least five names right on the top of his mind. There were people performing on stage for the whole world to see from their university. “I'm sure there are other choices.” 

“Not for some people,” replied Mrs Anand. “Please understand, Ranveer, we're on a deadline here.”

“I thought the rehearsals started a week ago?”

Again, that look. The look that meant there were things she didn't want to talk about and people she was very angry at that she also didn't want to talk about. “There were… complications. Nobody is forcing you. We can still make adjustments. It's just that you're currently our best choice and I would really appreciate it if you joined.”

“I… okay. I believe the choreography is ready. When do I join the rehearsals?”

“Today. If you're free, that is.” She stood up and turned a small, magnificent smile towards Ranveer. “Thank you.”

And that is how he ended up in the barren white walls of a dance studio with one of the most infuriating people of all times. That is how Ranveer Kashyap, a polite and sweet little boy, ended up changing the course of his life, for better or for worse. 

He watched Raghav do a complicated series of steps that were not at all fit for the song they temporarily chose. If Ranveer didn't know any better, he would think the boy was actually dumb. But no, he was doing it strictly to get under Ranveer's skin.

Definitely for the worse. 

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

Ranveer crashed on the sofa, all the exhaustion of the day creeping up on him. With it came a deranged sense of relief. Finally, finally, he was free of the absolute nightmare that was his rehearsal. If you could even call it that. For one, the boy walked in fifteen minutes late to his own rehearsal with a 300/- coffee. On top of that, he had the goddamn audacity to tell Ranveer that he did not have a choreography ready and was waiting for a dance partner to decide it. And then, he had the greater audacity still to say that he hadn't even selected a song yet.

And okay, yeah, he did know his shit. He knew how to attract an audience and keep their attention on himself. He also knew how to make Ranveer go insane. Ranveer could swear on his life that he was not a typically angry person, but Raghav seemed to have an effortless talent of pushing all his buttons. Every single thing that he did infuriated Ranveer.

“Yaaaahhhhh!!!!” his little sister screamed when she saw him, jumping on his lap ritually as she did every time he came home. Ranveer winced but thought it would be nice to have his mind off the stress of the day for a while. He hugged her back, blowing raspberries on her tummy as she dissolved into a fit of giggles. 

“Why did you come so late?” Ananya pouted once she was able to shove him off. “You didn't play with me today.”

His mother appeared from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a small towel. “Let your brother rest, Anu, he's tired,” she said gently, and then turned to Ranveer. “Why were you so late today?”

“It's fine. I, uhh.” Ranveer struggled to find the words. He always did when it came to his mother. How was he to tell her that he got chosen for the biggest tournament of the year to represent their university? She would be so happy for him, Ranveer didn't think he could bear it. The silence hung heavy between them. “It's fine. Is dinner ready?”

That seemed to distract her. “Oh, yes. I made curry and rice.”

Ranveer picked his eight year old sister up and took her to the kitchen, eager to escape from any more questions his mother might have. He would tell her, eventually, but right now it was the last thing he wanted to do. For now, all he wanted to do was devour at least two plates of curry and rice and take his well deserved sleep. Maybe after dinner he could tell her. 

The delicious aroma of the curry made his stomach rumble. He hadn't even realised how hungry he was until now. Dinner was quickly served and Ananya started a detailed ramble about time travel and how Doraemon was a hundred years younger than Nobita. 

Against his will, his thoughts eventually strayed to Raghav. 

And once again the exhaustion of the entire day hit him. It seemed to be taking jabs at him, coming punch by punch because it knew he was not in a good enough mental state for it to happen all at once. Though there was a strange lightness in his chest. It should have taken Ranveer much less time to realise that he hasn't thought about his aunt in hours. It was a chore to keep chewing rice and not start screaming when he did. He had been missing her for so long, for so many years, it felt wrong to just casually stop missing her. It felt like… like cheating. He should be missing her. He had been missing her. He didn't have to stop just because some random guy showed up. 

“Ma…” he croaked out. He couldn't help it. 

He needed to talk to his mother and forget about this. Forget about him and her and anyone who made him feel like he couldn't breathe. 

“Yes?” she asked. There was a worry on her face that made Ranveer a bit more uneasy than he was. 

“I… You know the annual arts competition that happens around this time? I got chosen to represent our university in it.” The words were out of his mouth before he had decided to say them. It seemed too soon. It was all too soon. Why couldn't he breathe?

His mother smiled tenderly, “That's great, Veer. I'm so proud of you.” 

Ranveer dropped his head and kept shoving rice into his mouth. He didn't say anything else. What was there to say? Ask why she left his father when he needed him the most? Demand to know why half the people from his family don't talk to him anymore? Was he supposed to tear open his ribcage and beg her to fill the hole shaped like a mother in his chest? Ranveer was not going to beg her for answers she should have given him long ago. He hadn't fallen that low yet.

[hailraykin]

i highly recommend for women and girls to be intellectually curious and difficult to shame

[hailraykin]

The Patriarchy proves that Mpreg should be the normal way of life

[hailraykin]

How to Successfully Study in the Library

bring all of your materials with you

find a nice quiet spot void of distractions 

make sure to take little breaks every half hour or so

maybe bring a little snack

don’t look at the giant floating baby

just don’t 

try to forget about the giant floating baby in the library 

use different colors of highlighters to organize your notes  

[hailraykin]

Aap logo ne notice kiya hoga aaj kal koshish karne vaalo ki bhi haar ho rhi hai.

[hailraykin]

[hailraykin]

you know you're good at your job when every single person tells you "thank god you're back"

[hailraykin]

Playing in the grass 🌱

[hailraykin]

Barney, snoozing on a hilltop, in the summer of 2009. 

[hailraykin]

maybe intimacy isn't taking off your clothes. maybe it's taking off your "i'm fine." maybe it's being naked in ways that have nothing to do with skin.

[hailraykin]

they used to make smackable technology. you used to be able to hit your tv when it didn't work good.

[hailraykin]

Mycenaean daggers/swords, 16th - 14th century BC

National Archaeological Museum, Athens-Greece

[hailraykin]

I sentence you to thinking about dragons for 10 billion year

[hailraykin]

[hailraykin]

Every day I make my silly little art and create stories with my silly little goobers and fight fascism

[hailraykin]

on survival

-// @aridante // @orivu // @buzzkillgirls // ? // ? // richard siken// @cemeterything // moomin, tove jansson// @disenchanted-killjoy // isn't that enough, shawn mendes// @ prettytheyswag on twitter// @ coletyumuch on twitter// ? // ? // bird by bird, anne lamott// undertale// @strawberrycircuits

[hailraykin]

"BURDEN"

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