haileydailyukulele

[haileydailyukulele]

Revisiting…

Rest In Peace, Doc

Doc

My great-grandfather doesn’t remember my name, my face, or my voice, though he thanks me for being present when family is around.

His disease is eating at his brain.

He doesn’t remember Bernice either, and she died just over a year or two ago and he doesn’t remember five minutes ago being walked through Jills house.

I’m trying hard not to take it personally because there’s plenty that he doesn’t know.

But does he know that there’s something his brain isn’t telling him? Does he realize that though he forgets who I am to him, maybe I was missing? Does he even realize I exist, that his great-grand-daughter stays up asking this?

What kind of life is it to live without realizing you’re forgetting certain things, like your wife of an era or that your kids have kids who have kids?

I’d say I loved you, but I’m afraid you don’t know what love is.

I’m afraid for when we meet again, afraid you won’t recognize the faces you saw last or the home that you’re in or the love that’s around you and you’ll confuse it with confusion.

I know it’s not your fault, but I wish I could say that I missed you to your face and give you hugs without you questioning.

I know I’ve changed, but so have you and that, I can explain over and over again but you’d forget that I did moments from then.

Do you realize you don’t know me? Do you realize that our blood shares a line? Do you realize that something is missing when you go to sleep at night?

I’m afraid not.

You’ve stopped feeling sorry for yourself because you forget that you should leaving all of us to do it for you wishing you understood.

I think a part of my soul hoped and prayed that one day, you’d return the same, but you’re too far gone to remember the way back to where you came.

Back and forth, every day is the same, but to you it’s different because, well, what did you do yesterday?

Do you recognize the walls around you? The faces taking care of you? The same old cafeteria and the Green Bean Casserole served up the same way as yesterday? Are you happy or are you sad? Do you understand when you wake up, the place that you’re at? Do you recognize voices or even your schedule? Does it ever register that there’s something more sinister?

I notice your smile isn’t the same as before, but it’s not from old age, or time or the world around us. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe you’ve come to realize, maybe just a tiny little bit, that things aren’t the same. I think you’re waiting to put together the pieces, but the pieces don’t fit because you don’t remember what the picture looked like on the outside of the box, and you can’t get out until visitors come and knock.

But if I did, you wouldn’t know it was me. You’d smile, we’d talk, and when I left you’d say nice to meet you. Tomorrow, will I have ever existed? Would you ever wonder about me? Would you even notice, once I left, that you had ever spoken with me?

I’ll always love you. I’ll always care.

But I’ll always hide the feelings I can’t convey, because to you, they’re simply not there.

Until we meet again, and again, and again… When I introduce myself to you like it’s the first, and you and I are aquaintences.

I’ll always be the visitor with something more to show and you’ll always be my Grandpa who won’t ever know.

[haileydailyukulele]

There was a calming effect from the branches reaching over us.

[haileydailyukulele]

In an attempt...

In an attempt to better myself, I started doing yoga. Pushing my limits - my personal boundaries - and testing my strength. Who knew that the hardest thing for me so far would be the breathing deeply and exhaling the pain and the worry of the day away? I'm glad I tried to breathe - it has now become my favorite part of the whole process. Breathing in, Breathing out. Letting go of the toxins in my body. I used to think this was silly. The idea that sitting in a room full of people, stretching, sweating, inhaling, exhaling, mantras and mush seemed crazy to me. I refused to enter into the experience. I was under the impression that I would not fit in. I was under the impression that the room would be too crowded, that my inexperience would be noticed by all, my lack of confidence in a room full of strangers would be evident... I was unaware that the atmosphere was calming; that people were focused on themselves, focused on building themselves, bettering themselves. I am finding my space, being told ( encouraged )to take up s p a c e. I'm being instructed to be strong, mighty, and fierce. My warrior pose is building a warrior. Whether I'm looking at the wall, at my mat, or a ceiling tile, I become calm, quiet, and collected. I am focused on nothing but myself, my breathing, and the strength I didn't know I had. The world has taught me to run in circles, to second guess myself, to feel flustered and stressed out. I have become accustomed to breathing shallow breaths, to ignoring what I need, to letting my mind run rampant and unbridled in all the worst ways. When I am focused on my breathing, I'm really focused on my breathing. I'm not thinking about how the day went - good or bad. I'm not thinking about what I have left to do in the days to come, or the fact that soon after I leave, those thoughts will surely creep back in. I'm helping my body to live up to a higher, better expectation for myself. I am proud, I am strong, I am breathing. A lot of self-awareness has been given to me through these exercises. I've come to realize that I am okay, that situations do not and cannot control me. I am in charge of myself and with that comes the responsibility of giving my mind, my body, and my soul what it really needs. This has been a blessing and when that little, small voice says "try it and see" - yes, the one that makes you think you're crazy for even considering it - do it. I have done crazy things, life-endangering things... But somehow starting this new chapter, this new practice, has been the craziest of all. It's so crazy because not too long ago, I refused to try, refused to buy in. I am what I made fun of... and that's okay. I will find myself thoughtless and weightless at the same time, and for someone who is prone to internal suffering and hindering thoughts, this is a blessing. I will finally notice that I'm not thinking about anything at all and I find tears in my eyes. I can only attribute the tears to the internal gratitude of the silence, the stretching, the strength-building, the focusing, the sweating, the inhaling through the exhaling, the poses and the Namaste. I am grateful for this body and all the space it takes up. I will begin to take in deeper breaths, take shorter strides, focus on the needs of my body, mind, and spirit, and look up, out, and around me a lot more. I want to be filled with gratitude for the rest of my days, Focus on the good, the great, and the better, Accept the bad moments, days, and years as they come, and be aware of the goodness that still e x i s t s. I am capable. I am strong. I am willing. I am not exactly where I want to be, But I am exactly where I need to be And that has made all the difference. In an attempt to better myself, I took a leap of faith and became transparent.

[haileydailyukulele]

[haileydailyukulele]

I've Never Been "In Love"

I've never been "in love" In any form of the term I've been interested and hung-up on someone, but nobody has stuck around long enough for me to want to get attached When you know you're a decent person, a funny person, a good person, and not hard to look at all the time, you know that it's not you completely. There's nothing wrong with me... There's everything wrong with how I fail to be impressed. There are men that are under the impression that they deserve my company, that they deserve my time, But they haven't put in their own effort or time to make me want to give it. Kindness doesn't win me over all on its own. Do you have drive, do you have goals, are you able to motivate yourself and find happiness independently? Does the world scare you, or does it make you gasp in awe and wonder? What makes you burn with desire and boil underneath your skin in distaste? I wonder lots of things but don't see true colors. I demand reality from you. Don't put your "best face" on if I won't ever see it again. That's not life. That's not worth my time. I want to hear about your mother and the pain you've endured, I want to hear about your lame ideas and the people you surround yourself with, I want to know what you think about when you're alone in your thoughts and what you think about politics. I want to see you at your best and see you at your worst. I want to see you in all the moments in between. I've never been in love because people don't want you to see your demons, but I welcome them... I welcome them because mine have been pushed away. You are deeper than the world wants you to be and it scares you. It makes you silent and you'll flash those pearly whites to make everyone around you think that there's nothing wrong... We all know that's a lie, right? But, really. I've never been in love, but when I finally feel that, I may never love again, for when I fall in love, I will have found a safe-place For them and for me. Where there's openness and honesty and a lack of small-talk and chatter. Where we can be angry and real and grit our teeth, where tears will be shed and forgiveness right around the corner. Where we can laugh until our stomachs hurt, give eachother our everything, witness the others passion in and out of the bedroom. You will feel my love when I love you. For it takes a certain someone to make me want to stick around. But if you show me your truth instead of a candied and caramelized version of that, I may give you my eternity.

[haileydailyukulele]

If it ain't all the men (that used to be) in my life.

guy : so i was getting a glass of water (a glass is just a commonly used cylinder closed off on the bottom in order to hold liquids btw)

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Don't you want me?

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Why do we care so much what others think of us rather than caring what we allow ourselves to think of other people?

[haileydailyukulele]

Guy who likes music

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my mood for the rest of the year

[haileydailyukulele]

I Am a Force

I am loud and outspoken and I say what's on my mind. I've watched as I made people laugh, I made people angry, and I've made plenty of others visibly uncomfortable. I am a force and I refuse to think otherwise. I used to think differently. When I thought differently than I do now, I was malleable, impressionable, fragile, quiet; all the things I didn't feel were real; genuine. And they weren't. For years I questioned my life, my purpose, my character. I felt lost but unsure how or why. Somewhere in the mix, I grew out of certain friend groups, certain people in general. I felt myself drifting, so I'd grab back on to my "safe place". The place I felt lost, stuck, and confused. The place I knew I wasn't myself but what others wanted me to be. The place where I was farthest from having any inclination of who I was. And it hit me. Those mornings where I woke up and found myself drifting, I was drifting for a reason. I started finding that I was maturing, gaining perspective, starting to disagree with their day - to - day. I was finding it easier to walk away from people that weren't helping me to grow. Wasn't necessarily their fault, we were just in different chapters of life. I've left lots of people and I'm far better off. I've felt sorry for myself and quickly retracted. I am who I am. I have flaws and imperfections and I've learned to let them grow on me. I don't kill myself to change myself so that I can feel like myself and be sure that what I'm doing for myself is the right thing for myself and so that no one can say otherwise. I have a constant and vibrant flame that burns within me. It burns with passion and desire for the things that I want and for the things that I love. I am not yet done growing. I am not yet done changing. But I will never stop saying what needs to be said for the fear that it will offend or hurt. I will never stop standing my ground when there are injustices to be fixed and reversed. I will not apologize for being strong and opinionated. I will not bite my tongue when the moment begs with pleading looks. I will also not hesitate to say "I'M SORRY" when I've hurt the people closest to me. I will not hesitate to take ownership of my mistakes - past, present, and future. I will refuse to dwell on the past and to bring up whatever lies with it. I will refuse to conform because it's comfortable to those around me. I will refuse to not try and regret the things I didn't do. I will refuse to laugh when the jokes are not funny. I will refuse to pretend that I'm interested, that I'm in need of someone. I will refuse to be interrupted and looked over. I will refuse to behave when I know that won't make history. I will refuse to calm the storm within me when it roars, rages, and blisters. I will take chances and enter through the doors of opportunity. I will take in the moments of bliss and the moments of sorrow. I will be whoever and whatever I want to be. I will let this fire burn within me and make it visible, audible to those around me. They will feel the fire, hear the crackling, see the embers and the ashes in a soul as wide as an ocean. For the ocean cannot douse the flame when there is freedom and miles of wonder for me there. I am a force and I refuse to think otherwise.

[haileydailyukulele]

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[haileydailyukulele]

me: where’s the toilet?

New Yorker: take a left up over at 6th and catch the bus between 12th and 32nd. there you’ll see a hotdog cart at the corner of 53rd…you gotta go on straight past to 47th. between 8th and 34th there’s a little place, ask for Mikey, tell him I sent you an he’ll let you in aight

me: thanks. I’ll just piss in the street

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😍