hafirahs

[hafirahs]

Live gracefully,2018

I have to say……there’s something funny about my Tumblr yearly posts and the things that happened in reality. Like somehow, I need to be careful for what I wished for, cause it might just come true.

Last year I wrote about being a fighter in 2017 and oh boyyy did it happened. Where do I begin…..

Is it where I took a leap of faith & kept my dignity by walking away from a job which I knew  will never value me?….Or when people start assuming I could never get any better when I stayed jobless for months?Or the fact,I’ve seen how a cancer patient live & gone?Or I was just being an emotional wreck cause I lost my grandmother but finally be an aunty?Or the fact my idea of a ‘dream job’ was just too ideal (cause I was rejected by every bank I applied)?Or the fact I finally learn the true meaning “hustle from young”?

I like to say i’ve led a beautiful life in 2017, cause it taught me what it takes to finally ‘GROW UP’. I understood in this life, perseverance, tenacity and most importantly, Grit is needed to live through all adversaries.

Here’s to 2018, let me live to it gracefully……the only way I know how YOUNG.RICH.AND FABULOUS. xoxo

[hafirahs]

Finally written....

Here’s my (grieving) story, I hope you have every ounce in you to read every word.....

They say take one day at a time, then a month and hopefully, a year entirely. But even when people thought you have moved on, you’re just there. Yes, just there being numb. You put on your poker face, you walk away from people/crowd once you felt your tears are about to roll down those soft cheeks of yours and yes, you start carrying tissue everywhere. Bathroom/toilet seems to be your favourite place cause that’s where you hide from people & reveal your true self. Everything ticks you off, you went on hypersensitivity mode and almost, everything that breeds life have found beauty in your eyes.

Where do I begin.....is it the part where I kept talking about cancer 6 months prior to it happening, like how could I predict. No no how could I even thought about it, how could it bothered me that much when it haven’t even happened? Does my unconscious gut feeling knows it’s gonna happen?

Here’s how it started.....she got admitted in A&E, reason suspected was it’s just old age or eat wrong food. I still remember, I was scared to enter the A&E alone (cause they only allow 1 visitor at a time)....idk if my prior working experience in hospital that makes me creep everytime I’m in a hospital. I just hate hospitals or rather the feeling of being there.

There she was looking weak and there I was trying to make conversations. Long story short, she ask me to stay till the nurse confirm her a bed in the ward. I had to sign off papers and reassured her everything gonna be fine. For the first time in my life, someone needed me as assurance.....when did I become soo important in someone’s life?!

She got discharged few days after, attended the wedding and it seems pretty ok. But the story got worst after this....

Finally another hospital (not the one she was admitted in) gave the diagnosis. Finally the questions have been answered and reality hit rock bottom, Stage 4 Cancer patient. It took them another week or so to give a rough estimate of the life expectancy that’s left.....2 MONTHS

It’s one thing to know someone passed away, it’s a whole new level to see someone slipping through your fingers day by day. I really wished it was the prior....I’m not saying someone that died in a car accident or heart attack, the sadness will be shorter or lesser. But atleast, your emotions will be mixed with confusion, shocked and then sadness. No, what I’m trying to say is.....atleast you don’t see your loved one go through soo much pain right before your eyes.

It’s like your heart breaks a million times over and over again but remember, you need put up your poker face infront of the sick & the caregivers......cause it’s never fair for them if you breakdown. You would think it be fine to shed the tears you’ve held all day at home....only to see your mother grieving wholeheartedly. There you were sitting by her, look into her tearful eyes, hearing her stories with literally a blank face. God only knows your heart and it have broken a million times more.

Nights were just harder to pass by or rather sleep off......cause it’s time where you shed those tears unapologetically. Even when you did fall asleep, you have weird nightmares of being a cancer patient yourself. Time wait for no one....

Suddenly the world make sense to you in a new light, religion seems to be your moral compass and for the first time you genuinely wished your prayers got answered. It was one week before the passing, we rushed to the house at 3.30am but it wasn’t time. But they told me she wanted to see me the whole day (again, how did I mattered soo much to a person?!). I held her hand, she grasped it, look into my eyes, didn’t utter a word and watched as my tears rolling down my cheeks. There was no ounce of me that’s left to control those tears, it was raw embarrassing moment of my life crying infront of people.

One day before......

By now we predicted that maybe, cancer will be a slow death, maybe it isn’t as aggressive as the timeline given or maybe it was just us in denial to hold on to someone longer. I held her hand and for the first time I was soo curious how could someone soo weak grasped my hand soo tightly and she literally stared into my eyes. People always say “your eyes are window to your soul” and I look into hers and she looked like she wanted to tell me something.....I guess I got the message the next day.

The phone rang every 10 mins but it was the third phone call that woke our groggy state of mind fully. It was time, it finally expired like trees without leaves in winter. I thank god, for how she left us in the last few moments. Peaceful.

My story doesn’t end here, so does many people who went through death of loved ones. It’s the beginning.....”Just make sure you notice the Collateral Beauty”

There’s always beauty in every adversaries that you went through.....cause maybe you needed that to happen in your life. A friend once told me “if you experience death of someone you really cared about, you appreciate the new life that breeds”. I swear that advise was timely cause I stared into that baby’s eyes.....and I feel like I could give my whole world to her.

Grieve does funny things to you.....first, it awaken your mind, second your soul and third your sight. Your perspective about life starts to shift, your values changes and your eyes starts to notice things, beautiful things. Lastly, your senses are in hypersensitivity.....you just feel or know what a person is feeling. I can’t expect science to explain these changes but maybe, it was the fact you start to appreciate life, people, love, care and happiness in a whole new way.

The baby started crying, I panic....I wanted to calm her down so I gave her my hand, she grasped my fingers in her mighty mini hand, immediately stopped crying and look into my eyes. It was déjà vu.....it happened all over again (how could I matter soo much to a human being that haven’t even recognised me yet?!)

Here’s what I learn through my process of grieving......CARE. Yes, care. Caring for someone wholeheartedly is being there (physically) through every thick and thin, every downfall and cries. No, love gives you the fluttering feeling and I would dare to say.....it will only come after care. Care is about giving people assurance, care is about being empathetic and care is what going to make you go through the lengths, leaps and bounds for a person. And sometimes, care doesn’t fades even when love does.

They say time is an illusion....life is short and time ticks away so we have to grab life by the neck but what if.....time is also a reality, whereby we get to live through it and every moment we created be it good or bad, have it’s collateral beauty. We just have to see it.....through time. Cause only time will tell.

Hold on closely to someone you care about, work out those disagreements cause don’t lose someone just cause we’re too ego to let small things slide away.....cause one day, you won’t need to push them away, death will come and their smiles will slipped away from your future forever.

#2ndAugust2017 #collateralbeauty 

[hafirahs]

Lost in the crowd....

I’m not going to lie,I was soo broken that’s the reason I had to leave there.The things they’ve said,the things they did…..it gets to my head even if I didn’t want it to.

I can’t lie,home (wherever it may be) helps. Reassurance that everything will be fine,just have faith…..seems the best thing I’ve heard in the longest time.

I had fun there but I also learnt to never be that kind of person.....be lost in the crowd just to pursue to be "an interesting person" or "selling my own soul to dance with the devil". I know it may be a little crude but it is what it is.

I'm always been ok with social drinkers,only when that situation arises....I literally had a moment of "Ohh wait". I never thought I will hate alcohol that much till I'm surrounded by them every fortnight.

"Wow,they must be pretty damn sad or stressed out to be drunk on a week day" that keeps lingering in the mind over every event. You observe everything,you try hard to strike conversations but you can't help to feel they can no longer hold a conversation after a few rounds or your mind had drifted away. Like a paralysis,you're physically there but your soul/mind drifting.

I never cared soo much about image till I'm there.It's good in a way but also self-destructing cause you get soo sucked out that you forget who you are & what you stand for at times. "Faking confidence to make it" apparently we were soo good at it,we seem everything is fine.

When I had went overboard on my confidence,that I've realised I was losing a part of myself......I realised this isn't what I set myself for. For what's worth I learnt it the hard way "what looks good on the outside, doesn't means it's good on the inside"

[hafirahs]

Don’t be a pushover,2017

When reality hits you hard,do not crumble,FIGHT AND FIGHT HARDER......

I hate how people are soo “depressed” over this upcoming year due to great uncertainty in the economy but hey, we need to just buckle up & strive thru it. I’ve learnt a great deal about human behaviour,emotions,empathy and care over this past year. It had been the MOST ‘Human’ Year for me!

I’m soo filled with emotions and I get to travel the world in 2016 to witness “the only thing in common in humans,are our emotions regardless of race,religion,politics or values that separate or divide us”. 

Hence, in 2017 I need to be a fighter cause I finally learn,nice guys finish last. And nice shouldn’t be mistaken as kindness cause kindness is pure,it comes through the heart like happiness.

HERE’S TO ALL THE FIGHTERS IN THE WORLD, DO NOT BACK DOWN!

Ps: I hope my new found confidence helps in the fight too and remember, throw kindness like confetti 

[hafirahs]

Mental illness

[hafirahs]

Start at Hello....

Are you ready for Vivrérouge 2.0?

I dunno if my login problem to the previous tumblr account is a sign for new beginnings. The adult version of Vivrérouge; as I embark on this journey of finding the true self, not the make up versions of it. The raw, uncut and (hopefully) wiser thoughts.

I’m ready for my spinoff, navigating my adulthood without the past regrets. But before that, let me remind you of my “youthful” years as I pen down how did I end up here......so c’mon on read my stories

[hafirahs]

Nov 18th,12.45pm (GMT +8)

Oooooh......have you seen something that made you re-think about your life?

Certainly today, witnessing a road accident near a traffic light junction at the workplace send chills down my spine. Like it could be me?It could be someone I know?.......you go around questioning what happen but deep down you just want a justification for quick death. Cause death is a mystery that is never solved or well-predicted.Even cancer patients are given rough estimates never an accurate predicament what to happen next.

What if one day,your whole life flashing infront your eyes without you haven truly lived it......a surprise death came for your soul. What if you haven touch a soul with kindness, or striking off that bucket list or saying “I love you” / “I’m sorry” and truly meant it cause you never had the guts to be true to your feelings?

Run, baby run till your lungs hurt cause nothing hurt more than not living.Feel the pumping of your heart against your chest. Breathe hard,live fully.

What can we do if we feeling low?I’m still in search of finding the corrective measures.