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Recommended Resource: The Names of God by Ken Hemphill

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Do not settle for the first person who buys you dinner or for the person who says you look pretty, do not settle for the one who does not share your dreams but laughs at your jokes. Do not settle for attraction without depth, or good conversation with no intent to stay. Do not settle for charm when they do not value what you value, do not settle for convenience without love. Do not settle for a candle when you were taught to love the sun, do not settle because of time when you know that love is patient. Do not settle, please do not settle because there is someone out there who refuses to settle, and you are worth so much more than convenience and ease, you are worth a heart that fights for you.

T.B. LaBerge // Do Not Settle (via tblaberge)

preach. 

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The Christian is a work in progress looking towards the work finished, Jesus. Nothing about you is over yet.

J.S. Park (via jspark3000)

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Guilty dog desperately asks for forgiveness

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a note for myself (or for someone)

I could say “ my life was just fine without you” but I can’t. 

No matter how much I want to say I wish I didn’t meet you, I can’t. Because you brought light into my life. You’ve helped me see more of Jesus. 

But you aren’t a perfect person (neither am I...). You cannot satisfy my soul. You weren’t there to comfort me when I struggled with my insecurities. You weren’t there to remind me of my worth. You weren’t there to speak truth to me when I dug myself the deepest pit to sleep in. You cannot, cannot be my savior. 

Because you are human. Like me: flawed and broken, fickle and sinful. You are just a friend who isn’t perfect. 

You aren’t God. And that’s what I need to believe. This is what I need to tell myself before I text you, hoping that there was a chance you would tell me you’d love to spend time with me. This is what I need to remember when I see you hang with others people that may make me jealous. This is what I need to say outloud when I ever put you before my God. 

I love you and God loves you more than you can imagine. But I have to let you go and take the proper place in my life. You are absolutely a gift but not the greatest gift. You are a light but you don’t shine the brightest. 

I can’t be sorry for my feelings because I am human too. Flawed and broken, fickle and sinful. The tears that I have shed are because of my own disbelief of God’s great love for me. But God will continue to shape me through the Word and will help my unbelief. One day, I will love you without condition, without fear, without any interest in getting anything from you (by the grace of God). Because you deserve it. 

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Currently lying on my bed, trying to make sense of what has happened in the world the past two months.

If only it was easy to put into words the amount of confusion and pain we’ve been feeling as news upon news pile up on our doorstep. If only it was easy to answer the questions that have been on our minds. If only this world could be a more lovely place to live.

The blame can be put on many groups of people such as terrorists or even Christians. But the root of it all can go back to Jeremiah 2:13. “…for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” ‭‭- Jeremiah‬ ‭2:13‬ ‭

In short, it’s our sin.

But I believe that God will reveal his glory out of the ashes and that through pressing, beauty will rise. I refuse to listen to the lies of the enemy. Sin will have no sting and death will not have its victory. Christ Jesus took all sin, nailed it to a cross, rose in glorious light, with death in its grave!

We can’t change the world in one go but we can do what God called us to do: to love others. This is NOT easy. But this may be the best way to spread the Hope of Glory throughout the nations. I believe that God will wake up and rise up this generation to go, and make disciples. He will raise up a praying generation who will become houses of prayer. He will restore and redeem his people!

These tragedies remind me that we need God now more than ever. Take heart, He has never left and is listening to our prayers. Lord, we need you. Every hour, we need you.

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Morning tunes. Yes, Lord.

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dear Korea part II: My 할아버지 (My Grandpa)

During my first two weeks of being here, I had an opportunity to visit my mother’s hometown, 거제도! I’ve always wanted to see where my parents grew up so I was really excited. What better way to get to know your parents then visiting where they grew up?

The drive to 거제도 was about 5 hours from Ilsan but being in a van with my hilarious aunts and uncles made the time fly by. Before you know it, we made it to our destination. We met up with some family I haven’t seen since I was three years old! I got to meet their children and catch them up 17 years!

As I was gathering my things, my mother told me we were going to visit my grandpa before going to explore the city. My 할아버지 passed away quite a while ago but I wasn’t able to go to his funeral since I was so young. I do however remember how difficult it was for my parents and family to accept my grandpa’s passing.

We drove to a nearby empty pasture and got out of the car. We followed my grandmother up the hills and past the itchy vegetation to a smaller hill. There stood a stone with my grandfather’s name written on it. What I loved about this was what surrounded my grandfather’s grave. Plants of my mothers childhood! My mom picked a strange looking plant and started to chew on it. She explained that this is what she used to chew on after meals because it cleaned your teeth, a substitute for gum since they didn’t have gum back then. My grandmother touched the vegetation and started to talk to her husband: “Guess who came to see you! Your grand daughters came all the way from the US to visit you. All of your daughters are here as well. Your sons too. Oh, how we miss you.”

Seeing my grandmother’s love for my grandfather moved me in a way that I couldn’t explain. I stood in front of my grandpa and touched the plants next to him. Tears started to form in my eyes. If only he was here to see how much we loved him. God gently nudged me and said, “He is here.” I smiled.

Grandpa, I’ll see you in Paradise, okay?

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Word of encouragement to any sisters out there who are struggling with their identity, we all do: You are loved, You are not worthless, You have purpose.

Here’s my testimony as the year is approaching to an end. God has given me so much room to grow this past year, as he has offered me new opportunities, opened me up to more genuine and mature relationships, and comforted me in times of trouble to teach me what it means to fully abide in Him. I would never have expected myself to be where I am now a few years back, as I have learned so many things through hardship and suffering, through making mistakes and enduring heartbreak, through fear/anxiety that has led me to rebel against God in so many ways. It was the first time I had experienced loneliness in my life, where I suffered from anorexia and isolated myself from all my friends and family. I kept my feelings to myself, hidden in darkness, as I was afraid to open up to anyone about my problems. I wanted to stand out from the crowd, feel worthy and accepted by those around me and to feel accomplished of myself. I dropped a significant amount of weight down to 37kg, my hair became brittle, stomach began to bloat (a sign of starvation), period stopped, was preoccupied with food 24/7 where I couldn’t stop myself from binging after severe restriction of food, and I was extremely sensitive to everything around me. The littlest things irritated me, and I was emotionally unstable. This led to social withdrawal as I began to spend more and more time with myself. After months of torturing my body, I decided it was best to take a break from school to recover. After 6 months of spending time with my family in Korea, I gained back 10 pounds and reached a healthy weight. But because I had spent so much time alone out of the states, it’s like I had forgotten how to socialize and continued to isolate myself from people and avoid social interactions. This led to my increased stress/anxiety and loss of confidence in myself as school became more and more difficult and relationships began to deteriorate. Relapse occurred as I went straight back to my old workout routines, and I was severely underweight. By releasing emotional stress onto my body, I overworked my body by spending hours at the gym and not consuming enough calories to keep my body going. As weird as it sounds, destroying my body was a way to cope with my emotional stress. I was emotionally unstable at this point with no one to rely on, no one to trust, no one to fall back to and show my real self. I began to rely heavily on alcohol and getting drunk to forget my problems, to numb myself from feelings of loneliness and anxiety, and spent time flirting/drinking with guys at clubs to find a sense of belonging there. This obviously led to worse outcomes, as I was taken advantage of by many guys, hurt and scarred by friends who weren’t really my friends, and lost all trust for people as my heart became bitter towards everyone. It was during this lowest point in my life that I felt God reaching down to me to show me that He cares. As I sat down on my bed, feeling alone and hopeless, God comforted me through rubbing His word on my deepest wounds. He reminded me at that moment that He is the only love who could fulfill me enough not to overreact to the pain; that He came to take my wounds into his own hands and feet so that I may live. And God has been moving at my tempo all along, never rushing, because He knows that my healing will take a step at a time. But so He has allowed all this suffering to happen to me so that I may be willing to hold up those truths and allow God to take control of my life. It was as if God was saying all along, “This is where you can say everything.” I remember just bawling after realizing this and praying in complete honesty about myself, opening up to what’s been happening inside of me. As God scooped me out of the lies of my distorted thinking, I began to acknowledge His presence everyday, replacing my thoughts with His truth about me. And the more I became aware of His presence, the more I was able to overcome my fears and be confident in Him through all that I did. Although it was difficult to move on from my old habits, to die to my old self and be born again through Christ, to have Him be under control of my thoughts and actions and to fully submit to Him, God has led me to build godly relationships that matter, to meet people who will love me for who I am, to challenge myself through uncomfortable situations and gain confidence through Him, and to simply move on and rest in His arms as I let go and let God. I’m still a work in progress- battling with anxiety, self-condemnation, always tempted to do things I shouldn’t be doing, etc. where things can get sloppy at times, but it’s the very fact that God still loves and is continuing to shape me and mold me into the person that He has created me to be. It’s the very fact that He still forgives no matter how many times I mess up and that everything bad in me, He’s working on that. Despite having been a tough year, I’ve experienced so much growth and understanding of who I am and what I am truly capable of, through acting in spite of myself and finding out my worst fears are all not that bad after all. That through my experiences with music therapy and other things God has provided for me in my life up to this point, I was able to gain true confidence by just going for it and allowing determination to win over my emotions. I look forward to 2016 and for what’s to come, and I pray that God will continue to break down my pride to stir up in me a new heart, a new mind, a new attitude towards the next chapter in my life. I ask that He may lead me to a path of maturity and teach me patience as I continue to support and love my mom who is diagnosed with having panic disorder/depression; that I may reflect His image and bring healing through upcoming trials. Just as He has forgiven me and loved me for my sinful and dirty self, I pray that I too may learn to forgive and love others, that I may be transformed and be utterly abandoned in His love. This is my ultimate confession and prayer request. 

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stand firm.

“And as he spoke to me, the Spirit entered into me and set me on my feet, and I heard him speaking to me. And he said to me, “Son of man, I send you to the people of Israel, to nations of rebels, who have rebelled against me. They and their fathers have transgressed against me to this very day. The descendants also are impudent and stubborn: I send you to them, and you shall say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God.’ And whether they hear or refuse to hear (for they are a rebellious house) they will know that a prophet has been among them. And you, son of man, be not afraid of them, nor be afraid of their words, though briers and thorns are with you and you sit on scorpions. Be not afraid of their words, nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house. And you shall speak my words to them, whether they hear or refuse to hear, for they are a rebellious house. “But you, son of man, hear what I say to you. Be not rebellious like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”” ‭‭- Ezekiel‬ ‭2:2-8‬ ‭ Lord, I pray for your people. I'm thankful for what you are doing and what you are going to do. Jesus, you are bringing the Gospel to Asia. Whether we can see it or not, it's moving. I wish to be part of it, even though I'm only in Korea for two months. I desire to be involved, however small or big. I'm sorry for thinking so much about the culture and becoming bitter. Please forgive me for not seeing the beauty of your Son in every morning I have here. Help me not to resent my home here just because it's different from what I'm used to or comfortable with. The people here aren't projects. You desire them to desire you. I pray that I run with confidence of my inheritance to serve humbly.

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dear Korea part I: First Subway Experience

I've been to other cities with subway systems but I think the idea of getting lost in Korea scared the heck out of me. With my fourth grade language skills? I knew my first trip back to Ilsan from Seoul was going to be a fun. And boy, was it. On the train back to Ilsan, I was sitting with my backpack in front of me. I spent the night at my cousin's apartment with her lovely roommates, some of which I had the privilege in meeting! (The people I've met at Ocean City Church were all welcoming and caring. It felt like home for me.) I noticed a older lady standing in front of me. She must have gotten on this train no too long ago. It was packed that night and there were no seats for her. I got up and told her she should take my seat, and that I didn't mind standing for the rest of the ride. She smiled sweetly and said thank you. She asked me if she could hold my backpack for me since it looked heavy. For a split second, I thought about declining but she was sweet for offering and since I was going to stand right in front of her, she couldn't possibly run away with it. It was safe. I said yes and thank you for being so considerate. I had a couple more stops to my transfer stop at Daegok. I noticed the grandma had drifted asleep with my backpack in hand. She seemed tired and I chose not to bother her. I guess I became distracted and I realized I missed my transfer stop. I started to panic and tried to look like I knew what I was doing...I focused on getting off at the next stop. The next stop came and I ran off to catch the train going the other way back to my transfer stop. Everything was fine until I stopped and felt my heart drop. I left my backpack with the grandma! I must've have been such in a hurry that I forgot to ask for my backpack. The grandma was sleeping as well so she didn't see where I got off. I paced around looking for help, maybe a phone number I could call. I saw a emergency phone number for the Korail system on a board and called it. The information center asked me to stay where I was and that they would send someone my way. I ended up at the information office, being asked questions about the event and what was inside the bag. I tried to describe it the best that I could, using Google translate for words I didn't know. I called my parents letting them know what was happening, although I felt very ashamed and dumb for not paying attention. Praise God, because within 45 minutes, they found my backpack a couple stops after the station I was at. The grandma returned the bag to the information desk and told them that she couldn't find me. I left quickly to that stop and retrieved the bag. My family ended up picking me up from the station since it was late and probably dangerous to be commuting by myself. I came home exhausted, hungry and a little frustrated. I talked to God a lot that night. "I just thought I could do it. I just thought I could make it by myself." "I know what you were thinking. It's okay to be frustrated." "It's not a big deal. There wasn't anything expensive or valuable in the bag. I always feel responsible for the trouble that my family goes through. I mess up and then other people have to deal with my mess." "I'm not surprised at your mess. I knew exactly who I was making you to be. I'm not shocked that you can't do things on your own." "So what you're saying is that I need to rely on you?" "What I'm saying is that I am not offended by your humanness. Don't try to be better and burden yourself. Cast your burdens on me. I'll take on the weight and love you even when you don't understand my love. With me, there's no need for you to strive." I slept with a peace in my heart. I am who He says I am. I am not a failure. I'm a Child of the King.

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distance.

the quote "distance makes the heart grow fonder." could not be a truer statement for me right now

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friendship Friday (?) Part uno

I’m not sure if it’s a real day of the week but I’m going to make it a real day of the week.

Korea is beautiful, family time has been amazing. But I miss my second family. This is just a handful of them.

This is a picture of Deborah Han, Joanna Shin (REPRESENT!!!) and Kevin Oula. This was a day when we gave up on studying and decided to watch funny videos in Tropical Smoothie. We later went to eat at WAYTOEARLY o'clock at a brunch place, which was also the restaurant where I had my last American meal before leaving to Korea.

There are many things here that remind me of each one of them and it makes me wish they were here. I’m probably really annoying because I say “I miss you!” every chance I get HAHA

Praying for Kevin’s trip to Beijing. - You’re going to have a blast. Don’t regret those scary and new experiences, and practice your Chinese! God is with you.

Going to see miss Deb Han very sooooooon! - CAN’T WAIT BOO MEET YOU HERE

Praying for my frand and future roommate Jo! - You’re such a great friend. Thank you for reminding me of the important things. I need it all the time.

part one is done, it’s half the fun!… (another friendship Friday coming up is what I’m saying…)

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#부산 #감천문화마을 #감천마을(부산 감천문화마을(gamchon Culture Village)에서)

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in pursuit

8 hours till arrival

Thoughts/Things to Note: - Currently eating organic honey bunny grahams. - Found my mother in the dark talking to a flight attendant who is actually a UF alumni. What a small world! - Missing my friends back in Gainesville, I love them! - Listened to a podcast on revival by Tim Keller. I would love to meet him one day. - Although the morning was pretty stressful, it’s been really sweet to see my father get excited on the airplane. He’s hasn’t visited his hometown in 16 years. - I’ve seen something small happen here just within the last couple of hours I’ve been with my mother. She’s talking with the people beside her and sharing things about our family with them (even if they don’t want to listen to her. My mom tends to have her way a lot LOL). Maybe this is because there’s more Korean people around but I’m just going to trust that God is answering my prayers for her in this small act. Thank you, Jesus.

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Like any Asian parent, my mother has large expectations for my sister and I. Finally choosing teaching to be my profession brought a lot of joy to my mom, which was really good to see. Being older now, my relationship with my mom has gotten much closer and I understand her better than I used to. My mom grew up in a country that fought for their political and economic freedom. She worked relentlessly for 8 years for our family to be where it is now. She's done the small things like clean my old room before coming home; she's done the big things like pray for my sicknesses and pains. I will never understand the sacrifices she's made for us and it helps me to be humble in my own life. But I love my mom too much to leave her complacent with life. My hope is that she her second half of life would be more fruitful than the first. I pray that would find a community that would care for her and lead her to serve others, not for her own gain but because she realizes how much grace she's been given. I want her to live life putting others interests before hers, finding that the most fulfilling life is loving God. Mom, I love you. But there is someone who loves you perfectly. I pray that you would experience His furious love for you this summer, with your family by your side. Don't let your age limit you from being a light unto this world because you've been a light in my life.