h4ppines5

[h4ppines5]

19/11/2023 i think of dying everyday

[h4ppines5]

04/11/2022- i feel like I’m not in the right headspace to be a good friend or family or anything to anyone. i crave love and when i feel like i don’t get it, i force myself into this cycle of crying over shit i can’t control. i have so much to give but no one who genuinely appreciates it. you can treat someone as a priority but they’ll only go and treat you like your not even a thought in their mind. meh your mind can play some weird games trust me. i just want to be content with my self and just happy. why can’t i just feel fucking happy without it ending so soon. i want to die so badly because there is no easier way to end these dull feelings other than doing that. and i guess after a couple of years, the only thing i can be, is a thought in someones mind. guess you only get what you want when you die hey.

[h4ppines5]

11/10/2022 -

where do i see myself in 5 yrs time? not fucking here.

[h4ppines5]

couldn’t have described it any better .

[h4ppines5]

04/10/2022 -

i just think it’s crazy how i give so much to specific people in my life. and I’m not bragging, I’m saying that I genuinely love these people and they’re such a priority to me. that’s not the crazy part though. it frustrates me so much when i see someone treat them as second best but they treat them the opposite. it’s like you can’t win. how can i give you all my love but you give your all to someone who doesn’t consider you a priority. that’s why i fucking hate attachments. I hate getting into this cycle of coming out of my shell again and talking to everyone and then the minute i feel as though nobody cares, I’m left feeling like shit. and i know deep down that it is no ones fault but my own emotions. but fhjsffhd i can’t explain it. and that is why i love to be alone. i want someone to give ME the love I give out so easily. i never want to ask for it. i just want that shit to be reciprocated. you’d think your friends would kinda get it by now but i guess it’s more difficult than i thought. fuck everything. i hate feeling like I’m at the bottom of the pile when i try so hard to make people feel the complete opposite.

[h4ppines5]

03/10/2022 -

i genuinely feel a deep sense of loneliness. It’s weird because I got friends and family but I feel like at the end of the day it’s just me, I take a lot of things to heart. Petty things even and it’s not a good thing. Like my sisters went to stay somewhere without me this weekend and yeah i did feel a bit left out. or my friends meeting up without me. Like shit I get it, I’m working so why would I be involved, but the thought being there is what I want. Like i coulda went before work? just a heads up really. it’s not even that deep. I just feel random rushes of sadness and I know that really, it’s because of how low my imaan is. but regardless of that, I feel sad, I feel lonely and that’s it.

[h4ppines5]

29/09/22 -

I can’t believe it’s been 3 months since I’ve written anything here. it’s quite good tbh because it means I’ve not been given a reason to vent. However, it has been a while. it’s been too long since I’ve let out my feelings. I’ve not really spoken to anyone deeply in a while, by deeply, i mean having an honest heart to heart. Of course I tell my friends whats going on in my life or whatever. but i never seem to go in depth. I am okay and that’s normal isn’t it. But I am not happy. I just want to tell someone that I’ve been feeling pretty lonely. I feel as though everyone has someone who is there go to person but i don’t. I feel as though I’ve not been the bestest friend to my friends and I hope to god that they understand that I never act the way I do because of them, but because of me. My replies have been disgusting. If this was a few years ago, i’d be the type to block myself because I hated long replies. I just want to be setttlesdddddd man!!! is that too much to ask for. I am so stressed that I’m moving nowhere in life. I don’t want to end up being 30 unmarried and in the same job i was when i left school. I don’t want to be unaccomplished. I want to give my mum and dad anything they want, it could never make up for what they’ve given me but the offer would be nice. ugh. sometimes i think that this life is a literal illusion and that I’m dreaming. i think to myself, i could die in the next minute so why tf am I stressed about not being in the right place in my life. I need to be more grateful for all of the things i have in my life, materialistic or not, the people I have in my life, they’re all things that so many other people could only dream of. I love spending time with my friends. It literally makes me forget all of my worries but looord, when I get home does it hit me. I feel 100x worse. I wish i could just live with them forever lol. People who say money buys happiness don’t know shit. I understand it, because it could solve so many things in life, but loneliness can fucking kill you. what is life if you feel like shit. yeah shopping is therapeutic, and living in a nice house is amazing but knowing deep down that you’d k1ll yourself in the next minute just goes to show that your emotions cost much more than anything you could buy. I wish it was possible to buy a bottle of serotonin or something, because i would OD on that shit fr. I have a secret. One I’ve not told anyone in my life, ever. It’s one that effects me pretty much everyday. I can never be happy because of it. It’s frustrated because I feel as though I cannot tell anyone about it. Who do i go to without feeling like shit about it. It is something I’ll be carrying with me throughout life and I hope that I can find the right people to tell this to. I’ve held this so close to my heart since I was about 8 years old. I can only pray that each day gets better. I am planning on doing Umrah next month. Lord knows I need it. I just hope that it can change me for the better.

[h4ppines5]

08/06/2022

people can be so draining at times and I’m just so so afraid I’ve become that person. i had the cutest brunch thing with my friends today, that shit really makes you forget your problems sometimes, and it did, but ofc i can’t help but think of everything at once. i was full of anxiety and for what? im with the people im most comfortable with but i just wanted escape. i hate being this type of person because that’s not what i want for my friends or family, mainly friends though because my family have no clue what i feel, think it kinda contributes tbh because they genuinely do not take a single thing i say seriously, i know i joke but i shouldnt be taken as a joke, there’s a difference. anyways my point is i feel so bad. i want to be the person i was a couple of years ago. maybe i am ok idk but i just feel as though i bring everyone around me down. and so i hate talking about my feelings because i know it’s a kill joy. i hate to make people pity me or sympathise because that’s not what i want. i want the people around me to be happy, period. i’d never want to be the cause to someone’s distress even if it’s only for a second. to know what pain is and to cause that for someone else feels evil. not like i do it on purpose but i feel like i can’t win. i know my friends care Alhamdulillah for all of them. and so i tell them slightly how i feel and i do feel kinda lighter but the problem is trying to put up a happy face constantly when in reality i would happily kms in the next 5 mins. bdjsbdbe i actually can’t explain it. i feel what i feel and it’s fucking shit. but nothing feels worse than making my friends and family know that i feel like this. because it doesn’t heal anything, it only makes the problem spread. i wish i could be the friend my friends deserve or the daughter my parents would be proud of but i know i could never be that. there’s always someone else who can make them happier and that’s my issue. I’m a jealous person and i hate it more than anything. it is honestly my most toxic trait, not jealous in the way that i want what they have or why do they deserve that but jealous in the way that I want to be the reason someone smiles and when i see someone do it better it hurts and it’s so so silly when i type it out but it genuinely bothers me because i know how much effort i put into the people i love and when i feel like it’s not appreciated enough i can’t take it. i ain’t gonna lash out but my go to option is distancing my self. I’ve only realised within the last few months how toxic I’ve been. not only to myself but those around me. and i would never wanna make someone else feel the effects of my toxicity and depression etc i know I’m repeating my self fbjsbd but it sticks with me all the time. i would never in a million years want to lose the friends i have. but i just want to cut everyone off because it is the only thing that has brought me peace. to not know anything, not feel out of place, not feel like a burden and just simply, work on myself. i feel like when i overhear things and find I’ve been left out or I’ve not been told things that everyone else knows it’s like why? like i hate inconsistency. i hate feeling so loved one day and the next feeling like I’m not even an option. i just want to be a priority in someones life like how i make other people a priority in mine. lord knows how much i think about this everyday. i feel like i need to order anti depressants again. i honestly can’t take it anymore. there’s not been a day in the last 4 months where I’ve not cried at least once a day. my eyes are tired, I’M tired. suic1de is haram i know. but it is an option i think about everyday, about all the ways i could do it, thinking which ways would hurt the less. i think about clearing my stuff out almost every other week, i live every day as my last, because one day it will

[h4ppines5]

28/05/2022

it’s always the ones you love the most that fucking hurt you

[h4ppines5]

15/05/22 -

never felt as low as i have now. i can’t help but cry almost every other hour of every day this week. even my mum saw my eyes and was confused af. you ever cry so much that it looks like you’re sleep deprived - well i am but the crying is turning me chinese icl. anyways, i try getting my mind off it, but the minute i remember all my thoughts it’s like boom, kill joy. I’m sooo fuuuudging deep into this disgusting feeling of anxiety and depression. it’s a ghost that follows you everywhere. sometimes it goes but it will never, ever leave. creeping up on you in your loneliest moments to remind you that in fact, you are lonely and you SHOULD be overthinking everything. it ruins every happy moment you can think of because there will always be a negative thought in the back of my head. wanting to kill myself was something i couldn’t have predicted for the life of me. when i was younger i had prospects, plans and everything and now look at me. in a shitty job, no plans, no other half to share it with, even my own feelings disagree with me. i be writing about the same fucking shit in every post i always know. but it sticks in my mind so uno i can’t really escape it if i tried. like today i had such a lovely bbq, but i was just sat on the grass thinking of all the ways i could die so that it would leave the smallest mark. if that does not explain the depression i have idk what would. i was so happy today, bloody living life and all, but my feelings? you’d think i was trapped in a hole somewhere hundreds of miles away from my loved ones… but i was right in the middle of it all. idk man, there’s not been a single time i haven’t prayed for this feeling to go. i couldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, not that i have one. when i was younger i never understood why someone would waste their life away at such a young age, especially those closer to home or people i knew. like they had everything, job, stability, family, deen. but still. they wanted to die. now i can’t fucking relate to anything but that with my entire being. this life is a test. i have to see it in that way everyday or my feelings literally eat me up.

[h4ppines5]

12/05/22

hella depressed, family stress is shit and at a point where i’ve never felt so insecure as much as i do now. not just in looks but in the way i am. simply put, i hate myself. i could be a much better daughter, a better friend or just a better human. i try but sometimes i find myself being reminded by certain people that I’m just not enough yet. that I’m only one step away yet every step seems miles apart. i hate how i care too much, in an unhealthy way. i hate that as much as i want to be myself, i please people instead. i hate smiling - it was my favourite thing, shit i even got 3 awards for smiling. but i hate my teeth so i won’t open them. then if i smile with them shut i look dopey so uno rbf for life. i hate how jealous i can get. to the point where it deteriorates my mental health simply because i feel I’m not enough for someone. that’s my problem of course, it all is. every single thing i think of is self inflicted pain. it’s crazy how your own mind can make you want to kill yourself

[h4ppines5]

21/04/2022

honestly been v busy with ramadan, in a good way, and i’d only come write here if I’m feeling shit really. idk why but literally everything is annoying me today, and i feel it’s harder to control my anger than it usually is. i am not an angry person. I’ll never show it at least. fishfjsjd i think i havent cried in so long and all these feelings are just in edge, pushing me closer to a worser state. I’m not dying over it and it’s not the and of the world ik. but I’m also not going to invalidate my feelings. i love people that send me islamic advice in response to how I’m feeling and I’m always grateful for it but if I’m being truthful, sometimes i just wanna hear someone say, uno what, that’s fucking shit. not a sympathy call but just that my feelings are being acknowledged rather than the usual, ‘everything happens for a reason’ and ‘it’s meant to be’ etccc bc not everybody wants to hear it. i know that this is all written, i know everything you’re telling me but idkkk ofc everyone means well but I’m just being honest really. anyways shits just up and down all the time it’s life i guess but it’s hitting a lil different now when i understand things a lot more than when i was younger. took it for granted when i didn’t know any of the serious shit that was going on, it was essentially peaceful. knowing too much ain’t it, but somebody gotta share it with another body bc you can’t let everyone drown in their sorrows. we ain’t here forever Alhamdulillah.

[h4ppines5]

18/04/2022

it’s been blooooody forever, honestly i have nothing to say but I’m just movin as usual

[h4ppines5]

08/04/2022

very tired todayyyybdhsihdje i need to sleep for a whole week icl. I’m feeling bloody lonely. I’ve found out some things about some people quite close to me and idrk how to feel because it’s not that deep but it still kinda got me questioning shit. anyways i gotta put it aside but i keep getting distracted. i kept reading Qur’an for some peace but even then I’m getting distracted by my thoughts. I’m not sure what to do about it other than keep it to myself and dwell on it. anyways I’ll probably forget about it in a few months ! guess i just need to stop overthinking so much man it pisses me off fbbjsnd. i be overthinking the smallest changes in tone or a text and thinking someone don’t like me no more or got me thinking of everything I could have accidentally done wrong even though i know I’ve done nothing, anyways goodnight

[h4ppines5]

02/04/2022

feeling bipolar as hell today, not literally but yeah. i keep getting good and bad feelings about certain things and so my mood is the same: good and bad. i just feel uneasy tbh. but gotta move on i guess and with a smile lol. i wish i could just express how i feel to my friends and family without seeming too desperate. and i don’t want them to think ‘oh it’s just her mental health thing again’ because i know how draining it must be to hear and i know how repetitive it is. bc shit, these feelings ARE fucking repetitive. so how can i really say anything. if i act different then it’s too obvious so i gotta put up a wall between my real feelings and my fake ones. anyways it’s ok. i ain’t here for long i hope

[h4ppines5]

02/04/2022

Alhamdulillah it’s ramadan, my soul needs it hfjdhd. I’m sad to say im still feelin this ‘sadness’ so heavily rn. can’t really pinpoint what it is because it’s a number of things, but i hope i learn to love myself enough to not need anyone elses love and Insha’Allah strengthen my imaan so that the only being i rely on is Allah. i pray on that for everyone. shits just difficult these days but we always move, i probably won’t feel the same in a few months times and i guess people got bigger problems going on in their life. i mean i got big problems too don’t get me wrong, i cannot even list the shit that I’m living with rn but it’s crazy bc it’s become a norm for me. anyways, Alhamdulillah regardless, i just want to be even the slightest bit content with life rn bc i’d end it all in a heartbeat.

[h4ppines5]

01/04/2022

damn it’s april already. anyways, I don’t know if it’s because I’m on my period or something a bit more real but I’m sooo bloody suic1dal this month. more than usual anyways. i never even get like that usually when im on but i hope it is just my period bc it feels like im in the lowest depths of my depression. like i genuinely feel like i could do something any minute. i don’t even have an excuse real enough for me to kms but i know the reason for the ‘pain’ I’m feeling is so deep in me rn. I feel like I’ve lived with it for so long without being able to tell anyone that it’s eating me up. sometimes i think i love certain people in my life too much for my own good. like ofc when you love someone you want nothing but happiness for them, but i just wonder, at what point do you slow down. if loving you hurts this much it isn’t fair. love is partially a choice as well as just a mysterious feeling. i love you but i didn’t have to show you how much, and that’s the line i could never draw. I’ll always have love for you but every now and then something will remind me that I’m not as important in your life as you are in mine. idk man, life is so so shit and temporary. i just wish temporary was shorter because I’m done with everything. i feel guilty that i can’t put the same compassion into my prayers as i do in loving you. will never win.