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h0pelessromanticz · 1 year ago

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((Because i dont see enough of vunrable alhaitham where he breaks so im doing it myself, also note i headcanon alhaithams parents to both struggle with ASPD so they literally only raised alhaitham to act like a machine and that human emostions were treated forgin since alhaitham ended up being autistic, aka his parents werent exactly nice))

Alhaitham had arrived home late, the meeting as the grand sage he had went to had went on for way longer then he wanted. it didnt help that eariler in that week his headphones had been damaged during a fight with some mercenaries in the dessert. Alhaithams whole body felt heavy his headphones were almost a coping mechanism at this point for the poor scribe. It had 2 functions he could alter between the two, one where he'd blast music or audio booklets or the other which would drown out all sound to stop him from having what his parents called chemical imbalance tantrums. Alhaitham could feel that damn nagging in his heart that he hated so much. After all he was raised that these emostions were futile and only hindered progress, he hadn't been rasised to know that emostions were natural and that no matter how much you fight it evenetually the dam wall holding the water could only fill so much before it bursted and this week was definitely testing it. not that alhaitham was aware of that. The scibe was like a knowledge machine but completely oblivious to his own mental needs or emostinal well being.

Any time a smidge of emostion fronted its face he'd shove it right back down into the deepest depths of his subconscious. The only emostion that seemed to ever butt its head that alhaitham wouldn't shove done was the rare temper of his anger. He had learnt his lesson about bottling that up. It would front its fangs threatening to devour him like it did that one night him and his roomate kaveh fought. He had bottled it up and after that night alhaitham had never bottled up anger again. That night scared him. The way his headphones flashed red his eyes blurring into a red cloud. The way his body moved without his control. He never wanted to feel that way ever again. However he would never let anyone know and would lie to himself about it. Groaning the scribe made his way to the kitchen to make some coffee, he still had paper work to do.

In a way alhaithams grandmother was the only one to truly understand him. She saw a small child too scared to show emotions because it was met with gaslighting, dissmisal, and being wrapped up to dumb brain functions and chemicals that he needed to control. Which wasnt humanily possible, she saw a child that had been broken into believing that human nature was a waste of time. alhaithams grandmother realised that his parents before they had passed were attempting to raise a shell of knowledge, something more like a machine, then a human who had a personality and heart, so she tried to make sure that anytime he accidentally let a true human emostion slip or let out what was seen as a childish behavior that she'd express how it was okay. However the damage had already been done and his brain cemetery had already been altered it made her upset to say in the least. Especially knowing how alhaitham had been diagnosed with autism, normal human beings struggled with emostions, nevermind a child and a child with autsim. a part of her feared what alhaithams parents had verbally or mentally done to this child. Knowing how much her son lacked basic empathy and humanity.

Pouring the coffee alhaithams ears rang uncomfortably as a door slammed shut and stomping sounds could be heard. Alhaithams heart sunk but his brain rolled its eyes. The 2 sides of him had been battling it out all week. Pushing and pulling in a endless dance. Alhaitham was usually logical,usually didnt dread when his roommates temper bursted through, however he took into consideration that he also always had his headset and for some reason now that he didnt he was finding it rather difficult to be logical at points, wanting to scream out a strange bubbling feeling in his chest, new sensations were felt this week that he hadn't felt since he was a child or ever. His brain had also started behaving strangly thoughts that werent rational nor practical popped in.

He chalked it up to some chemical imbalance and would get his blood tested to see his levels and take care of it. He wasn't even thinking or processing that maybe it was his subconscious starting to snap and break away, and that his usual machine like self was actually a mask he had worn, worn for so long he had forggoten to be human or at least act himan infront of others. But that was just it ,he was still human and his body was about feed up with the years of neglect and holding every emostion under his skin. So when kaveh started to go off about something as small as him forgetting his clothes on the drying string. Alhaitham sighed tsking. Which only earned a scuff and an explosion from his roommate.

It was strange kaveh was the complete opposite. he was a ball of emostions the furthest thing from a machine or alhaitham. But that was also a dangerous game. Kaveh couldn't believe it alhaitham was ignoring him again with that dumb sigh. Oh he could just ring him a new one, he had been acting different and it threw kaveh off his game. </p>

Alhaitham attempted to leave and head towards his room before this became an argument over nothing but was stopped by an even madder blond head of hair stomping in front of him blocking his path his arms on his waist, rambling off. Alhaitham was to exhausted and his ears had began ringing loudly as he was subconsciously becoming overestimated. Unfamiliar feelings came into play. alhaitham winced a bit his ears were psychically hurting and throbbing now whenever kaveh raised his voice louder. Right he had never not had his headphones available when they had their bickers. He could usually use his headset device to lower kavehs yelling so it was at a normal level. Alhaitham was just about done as he again attempted to leave only to be slightly shoved back into place.

Usually alhaitham would let his temper get the best of him and yell something and shove past his roommate to get kaveh to back. This time it was different the way kavehs touch stung and made his heart cry out scared alhaitham. His eyes widened surprised as he started to drown out kavehs yelling. It was almost like he was teleported to his subconscious who had a younger him shaking looking at him with tear filled eyes " we cant take this anymore its killing us, were not a machine please we cant hold everything in when are you gonna let yourself grieve" alhaitham scuffed at his subconscious younger self as if to downplay and gaslight himself once again in an attempt to remain in control. "Im scared...do we even know how to be human anymore" alhaitham felt his throat tighten a lump forming. He swallows hard "what of course we do!, dont be ridiculous" his younger self morphed into a child alhaitham sobbing as he just chuckled saddly threw the sobs "then why does everyone call us a machine or a robot, why cant i identify what im feeling" alhaithams eyes widened in pure shock his puplis shook as reality set in, he...he didnt know, as if on cue kaveh screams out taking alhaitham out of his transe like state

"GOD YOU REALLY ARE THE WORST YOU KNOW THAT, YOUR IGNORING ME! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING YOU DAMN ROBOT!" kaveh clenched his teeth expecting a snark remark, a scream, something just not what happends next. Alhaitham just stood there and starts shaking. Alhaithams eyes are avoiding him? no eye contact thats not right. A small broken wobble escapes the scribes lips "stop.." kaveh wanted to lash out even more at this. what did he mean! That was until he saw the taller mans bottom lip ever so slightly quiver. This sent a shiver up the blondes spine. What was going on with haitham he had been stranger then normal all week. He gasped as he realised what he had just said looking back at the grey haired man who seemed to be clenching his jaw shut, he could see tears welling up, no that can't be right.

Alhaitham swallows hard. There it was the sentace he hated most, everyone called him a machine, a robot ,emostionless, nonhuman, self centered, psyopathic, odd. The list went on and on, the more alhaitham desperately tried to shove the emostions back down frantically the more they engulfed him pushing back like he was underwater trying to force a floating object to the bottom when all it would do was rise to the surface. Panic was starting to set in Internally. He could feel it that sting in his eyes no..no no no no this was stupid why was this so stupid really seriously now your gonna let what others have said affect you? get your shit together this is pathetic. Alhaithamwanted it to stop but it wouldn't.

"emostions are pathetic", "what are you crying about i could list some real reasons to cry or give you one" "stop this embarrassing display", "this is hindering your study sesson are you just about done now?" His parents words vibrated as they danced within his head. He was drowning, drowning silently for years and years and he hadn't relised it until he had hit rock bottom. Alhaitham walked past a shocked kaveh who seemed to be proccessing his own thoughts either way alhaitham wasnt in the state to handle it. Alhaitham made sure his pace was hurried as a feeling of dread filled him he wanted to run in that moment ,run from his emostional self because it scared him he didnt understand anything that he was feeling, other then it hurt, it hurt so bad, it wasn't enjoyable and it wouldn't stop no matter how much logic he threw at it.

Alhaitham slams his bedroom door. as he begins hyperventilating, clenching the fabic of his shirt over his heart. As he closed his eyes tightly clenching his jaw to try and stop it, anything, just make it stop. No he needed his headphones but they were getting repaired. alhaitham hit the back of his head against the door a few times in defeat he wasnt getting out of this. Oh god his parents would be so disappointed, calling him pathetic and overreactive. Alhaithams legs wobbled as he slid down the door, dropping down like a ragdoll. His lips quivered as his breathing hitched. The walls of the damn had smashed open and his vunrable nature had kicked him in the guts angery that he had neglected it that he had treated himself so poorly. His inner child screamed with raw emostions. And the only thing he could do was finally whimper out a pained noise and sobb. The rare time he did ever cry he had his grandmother, he had held it off way longer then ever before bottling things up until his body physically couldn't. But now he didnt have her by his side and god did he wish he did. His whole body racked with shakes as if holding 10 years of bottled emostions wouldn't effect him? As if constantly shoving his trauma down and childhood neglect wouldn't cause him anguish.

He desperately tried to make his way to his bed, as the world around him started to distort and feel dizzy. he honestly felt pathetic. he had managed to make it to the foot rest of his bed on the floor and pull down the blanket to cover himself with it. The floor felt so cold on the scribes bare feet that he shivered slightly. Was it actually cold or was it the panic attack he was going threw causing this. Sighing threw soft sobs he wrapped his arms around his knees hugging himself like a small child who had just had a nightmare.

"this isn't fair" he muttered to himself.

Kaveh blinked as he realised alhaitham was gone a strange feeling drawed itself up from his gut why did he want to puke why was he so anxious out of no were. Why did alhaitham look like that, his eyes why did they shine with so much pain he'd never seen on the scribes face. It scared kaveh something was wrong! very wrong he didnt fight back? he slammed the door? But him slamming a door but not appearing angry had kavehs head spinning in loops. He was shaking, alhaitham was shaking? And he swore he saw tears in the stoics eyes. Anxiously Kaveh found himself making some dinner for the scribe he felt guilty and bad for lashing out on him the moment he had came home not even asking how his roommate was fairing. Kaveh sighed as his brain let a thought escape "especially with how the man reacted this time around." He muttered to himself. Kaveh was scared he hurt the man if that was even possible.

No! kaveh shook his head alhaitham is still human and he knew that. alhaitham did have emostions. The softness of his gaze when kaveh would lay on his chest, while alhaitham read, or whenever kaveh had a hangover his gentle backrubs, the way he would get his favorite whine whenever kaveh had,had a rough week. The way..alhaitham let him live with him for practically nothing. The way alhaitham had been so busy he wasnt joining the architect to dinner or even sleeping he saw how exhausted the other look not only was he the new sage until they could find a replacement he was also still the scribe and with the accosha system being destroyed alhaithams job had become more difficult. The only thing kaveh had been doing was racking into the man all week with his own emotional bagade and lashing out on him this whole time.

Kaveh bit his lip fighting back the urge to cry himself from the guilt. Though he had come to figure out over the years that alhaitham would often get flustered, almost embarrassed any time he showed a slightly more emostional side to himself or natural behavior as if it wasnt normal. Humming in deep thought kaveh placed the food on a plate and put it on the counter. he'd just let...no he had to check up on the scribe it had been 20 minutes and it was to quite. Plus he still didnt feel right just leaving this time, usually alhaitham would get mad they'd both storm off and then both come talk to each other in the living room. Kaveh took a few steps out of the kitchen and when he walked down the hall his ears picked up on a gut wrenching sound. Sobbs, gasping breaths that were hitching. Kaveh swore his heart shattered and fell into the deepest part of his stomach he had only ever heard of alhaitham crying, a rumor, he didnt truely belive the man could cry. he wasnt there to witness it but it was after his grandmother died, which made sense but also was hard to digest for the architect.

but now standing outside his door and hearing it with his own 2 ears, made the blond nauseous with concern. He debated and fought with himself to knock, finally getting up the corage to. On one hand he wanted to run away to his room on the other hand kaveh wanted to burst the door down and hold alhaitham close. Groaning to himself in his brain he finally just does it.

3 gentle knocks were heard. "haitham?" A little pause "...hey are you okay?" It was so gentle and soft that alhaitham couldn't help but sobb harder as if being asked if he was okay broke him more. subconsciously he'd had wanted someone to care enough to ask. Kaveh heard the younger one break more. "Im...im coming in okay?" Kaveh couldn't take it he had to see the man and make sure he was okay. Alhaitham shot up as if his logical side was really trying to punt its way forth right now. Scrambling slightly to stand but his legs gave out "No! Wait!". There was a pause "haitham..you havent ate today im bringing you food" the scribe cursed to himself digging his nails into the wooden floor as his body wouldnt stop shaking. alhaitham could hear the footsteps leave his door only to retrun shortly after. the door knob rattled as the large wood chunk slowly opened. Alhaithams heart already racing from the current state he was in started to beat faster but it hurt it stung with fear.

Oh god he was going to see how pathetic he was, how childish and immature he was behaving. He was going to see him vunrable and not professional. His inner child screamed at him to shut up that this wasnt his fault and that he needed someone, asking why he was being so cruel to himself. Growling Alhaitham clenched his teeth baring them like a threatend dog as he grabbed his head pulling on his hair. This was bad he was getting that werid uncontrollable urge to become self destructive, everything was starting to spin, any sound that was made started to blast in his ears and cause constant ringing and become all just to much for him to process. His whole bodys nevres were shit and burning. Alhaitham was losing himself.

it happened alot as a kid when he had thouse meltdowns his grandmother told him it was autistic meltdowns and that he'd have them because he denied that part of himself or it often happened when the neighborhood kids bullied him or took his headset away. And here he was at its mercy as he continued to pant subconsciously trying to grasp for headphone that werent there. frantically clawing at his ears to try and bring himself back down. His body was against him now and all he could do was whimper over and over as kaveh entered the room only for the scribe to hear a soft surpised gasp as he heard the older one put the plate down on his dresser. Almost scrambling to his side.

Kaveh couldn't believe his eyes the scene in front of him tugged at heartstrings he didnt even think existed. The scribe was in complete disarray shaking and sobbing hestarically, trying to claw at himself. Kaveh found himself at the scribes side in no time. He wanted to protect alhaitham but he had no idea what was wrong. This was all foreign for him. Alhaitham wasnt the crying type or emostinal type at all. He grabbed the scribes wrist which only earned him a paniced yelp and kavehs eyes widened at just how much the other was trembling.

Kaveh cupped the scribes cheek with his other hand his thumb petting just under his eye. As he coooed out reasuring words "hey..hey its okay look at me.. your okay...sh shshshsh" alhaitham just made a heartbroken sound his head lowering as he almost curled into himself "hey hey hey, whats going on?" Kaveh made sure his voice was as gentle and soft as he could manage. The other didnt reply his eyes looked so scared, and his body wouldn't stop shaking. kaveh pulled the other closer to him his hands gripping alhaithams arms pushing them to alhaithams side as he looked at him worried fear painted on his face.

In that moment as soon as kaveh touched alhaitham the scribe broke and bursted out painful sobbs "im sorry...im sorry" kaveh obviously was shocked and panicked a little "hey hey hey nonono haitham you dont need to apologize okay" he was confused why was haitham apologizing he was the one who was trying to egg him on in an argument and called him a machine.

Alhaitham looked up at kaveh a emostion that shouldnt never be on anyones face painted the scribes nevermind the new sages face.

" i..im sorry i dont mean to act like...to be a emostinonless, heartless bastard..i didnt ask to be this way...i im sorry for being like a robot ....im sorry.. i dont know!" He yelled out shaking his head his voice cracked and his bangs falling in front of his face as the architect held his wrists " i dont know what im feeling! ,i dont know whats going on! and its hurting i..it hurts so much dammit and it wont stop!..im scared" alhaitham had almost whispered out that last part as kavehs lips quivered at the sight infront of him " i dont know whats happening, i cant breath, i cant think straight, and the only thing my body wants to do is cry and shake" the scribe stuttered out in broken sobbs his wobbled voice uneven. Kaveh pulled alhaitham into a hug tightly placing his chin on the grey set of hair as if protecting alhaitham from the world. "Shshshsh your not a machine, im so sorry i said that i thought... you were ignoring me..or that you were just grumpy and im so sorry, your not heartless you have a big heart, i dont care if anyone thinks differently i know you. Im sorry if i had looked harder i could have noticed that you weren't okay this week and im sorry i never noticed. Im sorry i lashed out on you". Alhaitham shook and gripped onto his senoirs clothes hiding his face in shame into the others shoulder.

Kaveh frowned. "Your having a breakdown, have you had one this bad before?" alhaitham shook his head. " kaveh then thought to ask "did you even know you were having one?" Alhaitham shook his head "...the fact you dont know that....do you not allow yourself to feel things?" Alhaitham shook his head again and it made kaveh tear up as he ran his hand threw the youngers grey hair. What the hell what normal human being would...then again alhaitham wasnt normal.

"haitham...why? I know your not typically the emostional type but...didnt you ever cry as a child?".

Alhaitham tsked and cleared his throat. "i dont know how to express myself...i was never allowed to...it wasn't correct...if i did it was not becoming if i cry it was called pathetic". Kaveh bit his bottom lip all this time he never knew alhaithams story. "My grandmother was the only one who let me feel things, but even then i was already older...i only knew one thing basic surival and studying..i only know how to hold knowledge yet i lack basic human skills" kavehs heartbroke again hearing alhaitham saddly chuckle and just sobb. he pulled the scribe even closer almost cradling him as he just rocked alhaitham in his arms kissing his head gently over and over again.

"Im so sorry, your allowed to express yourself with me i wont judge ever again i promise, im here." Kaveh cupped the scribes face his nose nuzzeling into the grey hair.

"Im here for you my little grey dove". Alhaitham stopped crying for a split second a small gasp escaping him as if that nickname broke away the chains that binded him oh so tightly. Alhaitham started wailing into his roommates chest. Shutting his eyes tightly.

Kaveh had also began crying, he had no idea just how much this man was hiding. So he wasn't like this on purpose this whole time he had his roomate plauged out so wrong. Kaveh held alhaitham tightly that night and let the man sobb years of bottled up shit out of his system. Petting and playing with alhaithams hair in a means to comfort him. eventually the scribe had exhausted himself sobbing himself to sleep and kaveh sighed, he'd put the food away and he could have it once he woke up. When kaveh came back he picked up alhaitham bridal style and placed alhaitham in the bed. he noted that he was lighter then normal. So he really hadn't been doing good this week, he's lost weight. Tsking he goes to leave only for a weak voice to beg him to stay and stay he did holding the vunrable alhaitham in his arms as they both drifted to sleep. That night kaveh promised himself he'd never call alhaitham a robot or a machine ever again.

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