gypsydean

[gypsydean]

loneliness and suicide….

lonely , we all feel it. suicide, some of us know it. having to want to explain suicide and people constantly coming at you like.. why would ever think that? Don’t think that way. Life is good. you’re gona hurt the people you will leave behind. Do you hear the selfishness in those words? so even after I’m gone it’s still about everyone else but me? Ok. realize what y’all are actually saying. break it down like you’ll break people down, or go to the ends of the earth to dig so deep on someone you hate, or a partner who left you or whatever the fuck. everyone’s priorities are way the fuck off and let’s be damn real. me me me me me. get over yourself. YES love yourself, but in the way where you don’t feel like talking yourself down or feeling like it’s anywhere near ok to put someone else down. we all struggle to truly love ourself or put ourselves first then the rest. loneliness is so fucking hard, I find myself in recent events so incredibly sad and heartbroken if I’m alone in my room. it’s the loneliness place when it should be the safest. I cry and breakdown in the shower majority of the time. disappointed in myself , and the actions of others thinking that this life is just one big what the fuck. it’s so hard for me to see or feel like there’s actually good in life when it’s been nothing but awful. I know, I know, it can always be worse. Absolutely. but it can always be better. what are the things around you supposed to do if the inside of you, it’s deteriorating and your mind and heart have given up? nothing else matters when you don’t even have control or peace over your own person. think about it. suicidal shit has been flooding my mind more often than usual and it seems peaceful that when I’m gone , the pain will be gone. I don’t have to suffer or cry or hate myself anymore. everyday is so damn challenging but I have not given up. I’ve come close many times to giving up, but whatever little spark is still lit, I’m sure it’s love. I really don’t have true support beside a few people… but it hurts me to say that sometimes it’s just not enough. Cause I don’t know what to do. Where to begin so it always feels like I just keep fucking falling. I’ve been sleeping way more and I never sleep past the necessary hours. But I find myself sleeping all damn day. Waking up and sad that I did, and close my eyes again. people need help. things take time. I don’t want to hear your apologies should I leave this physical world, I just want to be heard, be seen and understood, that’s it. no gifts. no praise. just “I see you Sam, I’m proud of you” that shit goes a long fucking way. I will not give up but it’s really hard … I will always help those who need it , even though I need it too. I’m a nice girl, loving, kind and ever so caring . but rage and anger have filled my body because I’m so tired of everything, everyone, life and I’m not that person. I am sorry to people I have hurt, I’m sorry for pushing you away, I’m sorry for my anger but also need people to understand I always tell the truth and I’m going to tell you when something is not ok and when something that you did bothers me and is disrespectful. please know the difference between honesty and loyalty and anger and lies. I’ll never be on that other side but you will not make me look stupid because you want to change the narrative. If you can’t be honest, do not ever mention my name because I won’t stand for my name being dragged by your insecurities. God bless you all, be kind and don’t forget to be good to yourself. ⚔️🤍⚔️🤍⚔️

[gypsydean]

let me tell you who i am and what I stand for…

I am the blunt, respectful , honest kind of woman. I don’t have the patience for stupid shit. Don’t waste my time. Just don’t.

If you’re a good person, don’t spend all your time talking about how good a person you are, you need to step it up and show it and let the real folks see it. Stop spending your time trying to prove it.. doesn’t do anything. You know when you do all the good in the world and the fuckers don’t give props, but instead, they choose to remember the one bad/unfortunate time ? Yeah. So don’t waste your time. Peoples minds are already made up. Don’t ever waste your time trying to prove it. I absolutely despise when someone syS they’re going to do something , and doesn’t follow through. Then don’t say it. Period. Too many people get too comfortable being that way, and I just don’t tolerate it, I don’t. It’s happened WAY too many times , especially in my photography business. Because I don’t take deposits yet til the site is running… people book, and always cancel . MORE THAN ONCE and I’m fucking sick of it. Have a little more respect and courtesy. Stick to the plans, get it out the way and move on with yo bad self.

Where do people get off putting people on the back burner? Where do people get off being comfortable letting people down? Don’t be that. Handle your stuff and you’ll certainly feel more accomplished. I don’t bend the truth, I won’t ever sugar coat something for anyone. That’s just not me, and I won’t ever lie to protect anything because in the long run, it’ll work in everyone’s favor. I also, don’t like when people don’t communicate enough. One minor detail can shift everything. If you leave something out , that other someone is scheduling and planning their other priorities to make sure you fit in too and why would ever think “eh, it’s ok if I cancel”. I’ve done it before , unintentionally and I regret ever hurting somebodies feelings or wasting their time because I just simply don’t remember shit and I forgot. I’ve changed my ways, and you should too. Be a good person, be honest. Nothing bad comes from behind honest and if someone can’t handle it, oh well. You did your part.

People who talk bad about someone else, and run back to them like nothing ever happened. Repeatedly. No no no go. Don’t be that person. Don’t lower yourself , people make mistakes. Correct your words or approach if you’re sure this said person is going to be apart of your life regardless. I don’t keep shitty people around. I just don’t, no time for that. There’s a lot to say… but I’ll continue this next post.

[gypsydean]

times are changing and so am I ….

as the days go, as well as the people, the relationships whatever blah blah. I am single, work full time in a job that doesn’t suit me and in a not so ideal living situation but just like the times, things will change for me too right? yes, they will and it’s up to me. if you work hard , stay focused , the rest fill follow.

I left my relationship of one year, for solid reasons, but doesn’t make the ex a bad person, at all. He was very good to me, but things happen and things change. ya know ? I needed, for me, to turn the page so we both can walk the path to the things that worked better for both of us. anyway.. I change jobs quite often as I feel like I just end up settling because If you don’t have a job .. YOURE NOT RESPONSIBLE. you wouldn’t settle for a relationship that didn’t work for you? You won’t settle for selling a vehicle at a great amount under your asking? Or food you didn’t like ? Or a situation you were uncomfortable in? Right? Right…? No. So why settle for a damn job you have to dedicate majority of your days too? Exactly. So, this is why I change a lot of things in my life because I’ll never be happy knowing I settled or I continue to settle at someone else’s words. I won’t.

I’ve noticed, and really took it in recently , harder than ever, that I never ever do enough of the things that make me happy. I am always living for other people and that stops now. I’m terrified to do things I love by myself because?????? I don’t fucking know. Anxiety. Paranoia. PTSD type shit. From the constant bullying, never ending harassment and stalkers who just don’t have anything better to do . So they come after people. But no more, I’ve been pushing myself, I’ve been collecting information, making moves in private and dumping the trash out daily of the things, people, places and energy that simply does not serve me and my being.. I’m not fucking doing this shit anymore. My depression weighs heavy enough I don’t need the weight of another’s insecurities to affect my being and cloud my judgement. No way. I’m tired. I’m drained. People waste your time. People rather not communicate and then be mad and not tell you why they’re mad then get mad because you don’t know why they’re mad. Fuck that and fuck off. Don’t waste my time, if you can’t communicate then there’s no space for you . If you can’t be a civil human being , you’re not going to be around me. I don’t care if you “don’t care”. Great , leave me alone. Ima do me, ima take risk and chances. I lost a lot of people in my life and I’ll be damn if I let anyone make me feel bad, I be damned if I let someone walk over me again. Things don’t change if you don’t. So start walking…

Rant over.

[gypsydean]

hey… are you ok?

the answer is no, I’m not. haven’t been since I was a kid. depression is heavy, just a dark dark whirlwind of uncertainty, unfamiliar and deep hatred. how are you doing? i’m ok. Good! don’t you just hate the cliche? i HATE it. the real question is. hey, how’s the energy and emotions doing today? ya know someone who cares, someone who’s genuinely concerned about your deeper being, not just the skin suit. do you understand that this depression guy is out for you, or am I with myself ? that’s the thing, you don’t know. of course none of us hate ourselves. we hate the way people people make us FEEL about ourselves. do you have a job? you can’t go out tonight you have responsibilities. watch how you spend your money (that you worked for). like what bullshit cracked out rodeo world are we living in. a bad one, because of the people. ive been in a really really really steep decline to rock bottom bad place. it’s got me surrendering to begging for it to end, all of it. suicidal.. why am I thinking this? why is everything so fucking DREADFUL. you got a job you hate, bitches who hate, bills that are late and you’re going to let these assholes determine your fate ? collect it, gather all the pieces you fucking drop and glue those assholes back together just til you let them break you again. is what all this shit feels like.. only shit I find comforting and satisfying is food, sleep sleep and sleep. im angry, and im sad and im dying inside with the worlds biggest broken heart. nothing makes sense to me anymore. existing is such a fucking challenge. why is shit so hard? why do these assholes who walk the earth make it worse? job sux, people suck, people don’t care. They really don’t unless you’re their BFF. and people change you out swap you for a new model. things change we all change. people will hate you for no fucking reason, because of their insecurities and hurt they attack other people. family doesn’t care. who the hell cares ?? shit I do but the asking people to hang and no effort made or even concern is alarming. it’s like hello I’m a human being that person is a human being we should be united and support and make effort for everyone . bills fuck you. would this world seem brighter if we all were ? I’m fucking shaky mentally. nothing seems right.

[gypsydean]

Your rights as a woman.....

Being a women in what they say “a mans world” is one, bullshit. Two, we create and create in this life. Not alone, but us woman do all the hard work with birth, labor and endless sleepless nights. So when I mention these things, yeah, you better suit up and stick the fuck up for yourself. I STRONGLY dislike-when people say “THAT MAN DID YOU WRONG”. Let me stop you right there, pause and realize that NO M A N would ever treat a women with disrespect. Period. That’s an undeveloped BOY. Boys act up, BOYS don’t know how to respect woman. So let’s just get that straight. A lot of pressure comes with just being a female. We already have soooo much shit to worry about and deal with- so why the fuck do we have to deal with a boys tantrum when he doesn’t get his way? What the FUCK makes you so entitled ? It’s beyond me how dudes treat females like we aren’t much more capable of life than them. We don’t need cat-calling, we don’t need to feel bad by rejecting them when we’re just NOT interested. That’s just ego. They get nasty, and start rumors, or say they didn’t like you anyway just wanted to get in your pants. Yeah-right. If you didn’t “want” her, why the hell you bothering her and wasting her breathing space. Go little boy, back to mommy. People don’t ever think that they ARE a reflection of their parents/family. Don’t put a bad name to them, because YOU couldn’t handle the truth or rejection. Woman don’t owe you shit, and I can’t express enough why females ALLOW these little boys to run in circles with their feelings and how I’ve seen woman allow these guys to use them and come back to them repeatedly. It’s SO SAD to see. I’ll be damned if someone crossed me. No time. Take control of yourself and emotions. ALSO. Another thing , girls take birth control so they don’t get pregnant. Like I said before, girls already go through a whirlwind of shit being a female already, THEY SHOULDNT HAVE TO FUCK WITH THEIR HORMONES/EMOTIONS SO THIS DUDE CAN FREELY CUM INSIDE YOU!!!!! Make him pay for condoms, make him own the responsibility that comes out of him. Why the fuck is that YOUR RESPONSIBILITY??? Most likely this dude wants the sex more than you do, but you have to be fully responsible ? Noooo doesn’t work that way. Females need to stop allowing these boys to call the shots. That’s how an unhealthy attachment forms in a female and she has the hardest time speaking up or letting them go! Own your power, I don’t care who you are. I’ll always be upfront, always have shit to say I’d respect isn’t served at this table. Until you’re a woman, with hormones, bleeding 7 days or if you’re irregular like myself A MONTH of bleeding and cramps, and birth, and postpartum etc..... then I don’t want to hear it. Now, I need me a rifle, pound of bacon and some coffee. Mama needs a stress reliever.

[gypsydean]

Acceptance...

Accepting things in life can be really hard, in fact-rather heart clenching challenging. Accepting all the constant moves and changes in life throws the mind in all different directions, and it’s all happening way too fast. Too fast to even try and understand. You think to yourself- why can’t things just slow down so “I” can understand them better, so “it’s not too hard on me all at once”, well don’t you see where the problem is? It’s in the “I” that’s where you’re making it about you. Life as we know, doesn’t and won’t ever revolve around one person ever. That’s just facts, but how you react and respond to situations out of your control is your responsibility. That’s where in your world , it is about you. You are in charge of yourself, your behavior and reaction. So that’s where you have the power to change it or at least in healing terms “shift” your mind and energy to more productive things. I’ll admit- I get sad when friendships have been lost because they didn’t get what they wanted out of me. For example- I’ve lost quite a few good friendships with guys because they always turn out to falling for me, or liking me and that was never my intention in the first place. You know, if things were supposed to happen between any two, most likely it would have early on or obvious signs would have been presented. I have to understand it isn’t me for the most part, it’s what people didn’t get out of me what THEY wanted that drove them away and treat me like trash. It’s not my fault. I have to let myself know that almost everything in life is temporary, but life itself. We work so hard to make ourselves look good so OTHER PEOPLE will like us. Why?! We must build ourselves TO LOVE OURSELVES. Our purpose here on earth is to survive and provide a better life for yourself and for the souls you bring into this world later on- not for others. I get so sad, to see people I use to talk to slowly fade away into their new friends, new journeys, new experiences. Can’t help but feel like I never meant anything if it was that easy to let go. But, it’s not about me. I need to accept that and drop my expectations of people. I learned, early on that you can’t expect people to do for you that you would for them. I have to let go of this, and the things that no longer serve me. Serve me as in, fill a void that was never their place to fill in the first place. Also, something I’ve had a lot was people coming to me for my photography services, and I’m making arrangements then I never hear from them, they drop communication and later post that someone else did it for them. I don’t mind at all, but the disrespect in consuming my time and energy I put in (being excited) has been wasted and yet another one bites the dust. Do you understand how draining that is, and how that makes you feel like you fail? That nobody wants your work? Something you work hard for? See- that’s something I should take as a lesson, and strengthen my work and mindset to only want to succeed even more and rise above and become who I am working hard to be. Can’t let this defeat me. Anyway- I’ve let on for a while but you get it. I live by “be good to yourself”. So you too.

[gypsydean]

Passion....

There’s so much to my life that I haven’t seen yet. Haven’t done yet. I have so much to be thankful for and I keep that mindset wherever I go. When I eat, when I’m at the drs, when I’m with family, when I’m alone at the park with nature and all its fucking amazing glory. Everything. Passion is a big word in my being.. I’m extremity passionate for the things I love to do and the people I care for. I’m passionate about my photography and making my clients happy and to capture the perfect shot. I’m over the moon passionate about my family, and there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for them, broken or not. When I say who I am as a person it’s who I am. There’s no single reason to lie and I will never lie, I can be harsh, I can sound fucking mean at times but I’m honest. I respect myself enough to not let people fool me or take advantage (anymore). I’ve got one fucking chance at life, why the hell am I going to fuck it up for people who are toxic, liars and manipulative? Yeah-the-FUCK-right. So many people are self-involved and consider that “confidence” , no friend, UNDERSTAND the difference between confidence and cocky/self absorbed. Some people just are so caught up in their own delusion, other people start to believe it. It really pisses me off when crusty ass people get away with shit that’s wrong and worst of all they’re admired for the false sense of reality and fake ass personalities. It’s disgusting and if you think people care, they really don’t. It’s almost a show to watch. It’s entertaining but quite sad, to be honest. I say things like it is, if confronted I’ll be quick to put someone in their place. I don’t deal with bs. I won’t go out of my way to give some dusty human the satisfaction of my energy, not worth it. But if confronted I’ll lay it down. Drop the ego, gain insight and be a rad fucking human, be kind,do good and be good to yourself man. Work on yourself and reflect on why you feel the need to always be right, to always have the last laugh, to always jump to conclusion or involve yourself in a negative situation that you should just drop really. So many toxic people and toxic behaviors that people believe to be acceptable to the new “reality”. No, don’t be that person, be someone better. Someone with goals, donate to charity, feed the homeless, support groups, animal shelters . Be apart of a good cause/movement. I promise you’ll feel so good about being productive in time. But also, continue to grow, listen, understand and aim to be a good person 24/7 through all your emotions. Not just for a little. You got this!

[gypsydean]

Depression. My depression....

Majority of my existence has been mostly tragic. I know-I know... the things I’m grateful for are another day of life, the ability to hear, walk, seed talk... yes... I AM GRATEFUL. Excuse my but-BUT what’s a life to live if it’s always fucking Pandora’s box of bullshit and tragedy the whole way up? Everyday it only seems to get worse and worse. I’m so tired, I’m exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. It’s hard to roll out of bed with purpose, it’s hard when i eat things I don’t want too... it’s hard to not have a big enough support system. Granted-I have one person who supports the world for me and I’m so appreciative but sometimes you need more than that. Say like... a mother ? Or a father who didn’t fuck off at birth. Where is the love? I’ve suffered severe depression, massive anxiety and suicidal thoughts for a very long time and I tell you it’s fucking hard to hold on when you feel like there isn’t anything to live for when you feel as bad as you do. It’s so fucking hard. I cry a lot, I wish I had friends who genuinely give a shit and make effort. Soft triggers are big triggers. When there’s so much shit in this life, the little shit just completely throws you overboard and you feel out of control. Like for example, I’ll be completely pissed off if you don’t shut the door, or if you forget something or small shit like that you know? And I recognize that I’m being completely stupid and selfish...thinking.. why the fuck is something as little as this throwing me overboard ? I couldn’t even answer that but it genuinely pisses me off and then I’ll cry. It’s just bottled frustration and hurt that any minor inconvenience makes me so angry and sad. I hate it. Hate that I get so aggressive towards the people that don’t deserve it. Crazy how that works right? I can have a good day, but then something little will ruin it all I hate that I let it affect me. I over think absolutely everything, and it stays with me for a while. Distraction doesn’t work. I need to target the problem understand it and solve it. I just need that little bit of light because I’m in my darkest days yet, and the days only get more difficult. Covid makes everything so much more complicated. I don’t feel human, I’m sure none of us do and the amount of loss we all suffer. My depression swallows me whole and I only seem to be seeing less and less of the light. There are many beautiful things to life, but also so many sad, dark and disgusting parts as well. Got to find the balance... where do I go?

[gypsydean]

Why do they do it ?

Life is incredibly lonely for me. Ever feel alone in a room full of people ? You may think... how can someone feel alone when’s there’s a world full of people?? Well. World full of people doesn’t mean any fit you... you can go out in a group and feel just like an add on, you don’t connect. Nothing. To me, family is what makes me feel whole... but what do you do when you lost the person who’s raised you since birth and she passes on Valentine’s Day 2015. What do you do when your 27 year old sister dies, followed by your grandpa your best friend , followed by your grandmother. A grandmother is a hard pill to swallow when she’s spoiled you and love you like NO other. When your cats are taken to an animal shelter without your knowing by someone who had no right. I don’t have CLOSE friends, they all come and go, Acquaintances really. People flake on me all the time and the times I’ve cried because of it, really hit something hard and emotional for me because it makes me feel like abandonment all over again. I’ve had this happen too many times and I still try to see the good in people ... but it never works. I just want life to take it easy on me. Nobody is meant to be alone... since Covid I can’t go to my bars or my concerts/jam nights every week anymore... I LIVED for those things.... and those were my friends... the nights out at the Whiskey A-go-go, CANYON CLUB, Viper Room, Rainbow Room, Maui Sugar Mill Saloon, THE MINT LA, list goes on. Music/concerts are my thing... I miss them I feel like apart of me has left... it’ll cone back , but just when. Anyway... I’ve been dealing with my depression, it’s hard... anxiety driven. That’s for another post... until then. Be kind, make and effort and you never know when someone’s last day will be. Be good.

[gypsydean]

Who are you when nobody is around? What do you like to do for fun?

I love photography. Been doing it since 2007. I intend to make it my job so, it’s going to take a lot of work, but I’ll get there- for sure. I LOVE music. Like deep deep in detail in love. LOVE guitars, they’re just a work of pure art. The body, the smell, the tone, the pick ups, it’s like crack. I love watching guitars players duel out in some savage licks...I play- not as much as I use too. Play piano , I LOVE to sing and watch musicians all day on YouTube. Especially Miley’s unplugged covers are out of this world. I like being alone, I love my coffee, reading is a bit hard for me but I want to make it a strong habit - it’s healthy. Exercises the mind, yada yada you know that. I want to get a kindle... I’ll wait til I’m able too. Anyway. I love food, like-love. Bacon, coffee and potatoes are like my best friends-ever. I love trying new cute coffee shops everywhere I go , I love spontaneous adventures . I’m not a city girl, I’m pure mountain and open fields, kinda girl. I’ll go on day trips quite often, and just explore new places. I love anything brown leather... love my boots. I ride a Harley. Have a big ass truck, a Chevy. I love doing things for other people. I use to bartend... work a shooting range 😍, Harley, I’m very hands on, I know how to paint/ know a lot about paint and needs, I build furniture, love wood shop. I wish to one day move to the PNW , have a cottage or cabin like home. Have my truck, motorcycle, Jeep, atvs and dirtbikes with a lot of dogs runnin round and my gatos... I will make happen. :) I don’t have many friends because I’m just very to myself, independent and honestly friends can be stressful, the gossip, the opposite interest, the calm and not calm. I enjoy being alone... a lot. It’s peaceful. The world is too full of hate. I bought a tattoo gun so I’m just putting random shit on me and people who let me :) I’m not half bad! I just felt like I needed to talk to someone... whoever is reading, thank you.

[gypsydean]

Who are you when you have nothing....? Who are you when you don’t get your way....?

Being who you portray yourself to be should be genuine, should be consistent. Where’s the heart in being one person on the clock and a completely different person off the clock? Don’t be a “good person” for the media, and then a complete jerk outside of that. It’s really upsetting and just fist clenching-ly annoying how someone tries extremely hard to “be” someone they’re not, and have people fooled, then when they don’t get what they want... tables turn and turn and turn until they get what they want. I- for one... act accordingly. I treat people with respect, I support mentally and physically where I am able. You disrespect me, I won’t disrespect you, I’ll respect myself and walk away because that’s energy I don’t have to give someone who doesn’t deserve it. Period. You can’t stop the clock by insecurity when you get jealous, or angry at someone, let alone someone you don’t know. Frustrating you have so much good but your insecurity destroys all of that but people still believe you and that’s stupid. I believe someday people all get what they give, people will see the real truth to these kind of shitty people, it all comes to the light nothing stays buried. I promise that.

People serve their own sentence.

[gypsydean]

Social Media.... fuck

Here’s a thing to really discuss... social-fucking-media. It’s a black hole in itself... just so much wrong to it- yet we all have it and we all get stuck on it. Social media was supposed to be a place where friends can gather and keep up on their friends and family and just meet new people. But somehow, this platform became a negative space to majority of people to promote things that don’t exist, to push body images that have been heavily photoshopped and to fool people into “this is what you should look like” or what people use it heavily for is to stalk an ex, or someone you don’t like or in peoples terms for “I’m mad at you now” is BLOCK. That’s some of the first things people do now is , I’m mad at you so I’m Gona show you how mad I am and block/remove you from my social media. Since when did that become acceptable instead of communicating and working on things the way it should always be handled. Instagram removed a feature that was next to the likes and follows, remember? The one where you can see when someone liked someone else’s post and who followed who? Yeah what a mess. It’s caused SO much conflict in friendships and relationships. But- it doesn’t sit right with me... because that’s a form of control and you telling people who they can and can’t talk too... that’s wrong. If you had/have a boyfriend YOU CANT TRUST and you think he’s cheating or vice versa your girl you can’t trust or think might be cheating..... so here’s the real question... WHY ARE YOU WITH THEM?? Y’all complain so much about you cheated on me, I can’t trust you. Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship or at least with that person. Social media swallows its followers one by one... you’ll find something to be insecure about-on purpose. Where is the sense in that?

Point of this is STOP comparing yourself to these other people on social media. It’s so unhealthy and you’re trying so hard to live their life (which sometimes/most times) it’s allll a lie, they don’t look like that in real life, that’s their parents house, or daddy gave them that new car. I’d you want nice things , then fucking work for them, don’t expect these things to come to you. Doesn’t work that way. This is life. Do what makes you happy, don’t resort to social media to get your point across. There are people who post in third person, for example, “OH KIDS WILL BE KIDS. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE”, like 1- your followers don’t give a shit who you’re fighting with, if they ask, it’s for dramatic purposes only they don’t care why you’re upset/being an immature brat to the public and 2- why can’t you say that to the person themselves? Sounds like you’re afraid and you think this third person thing gets a point across somewhere in the black hole.. it doesn’t. Just makes you look immature and just why???

COMMUNICATE. WORK IT OUT. PEOPLE HAVE THEIR DIFFERENCES AND THATS OKAY. People it’s NOT hard to be a genuine person. That’s just the vicious cycle that continues in down-spiral... gets nowhere , pisses people off and just doesn’t ever get better. Why would you want to be that? Let the insecurities drop, let the maturity rise and be a bigger person. I know I don’t owe any people who’ve done me wrong, or who have shit on my name with lies, it’ll never stop me from wanting to make things right, for MY peace of mind. Don’t get involved with the dark side to social media. Use it as a platform to share your stories, share a beautiful spot you were so grateful to be apart of for an hour, food you’re grateful to be eating because we could have none of this, but we were gifted with SO much. We are so blessed, and always remember our biggest blessings are the roofs over our head, the food in our mouth, the clothes on our back, the family we can confide in and love and the friends who make effort to love you and our JOBS. We aren’t in the places we don’t see on the news where people have legit fucking nothing, but look how DAMN hard they work to make their life process a little easier.... y’all have no idea.

Stay rad. Be good to yourself and to others. 🧿🙏🏼 GOD IS GOOD

[gypsydean]

WHO IS YOUR IDOL??

This , her, she, my wife Miley Cyrus. Is my damn idol and has been since her start. You just cling onto certain humans because your vibes match theirs in ways we don’t understand. I can’t stop listening to her... can’t stop watching her videos, she’s amazing. This new rock n roll Miley, is my FAV! The shag haircut, the outfits, the makeup the covers of fucking epic songs. She nails it and she makes me so happy . I get soooo inspired by her and it makes me feel comfortable to step out of my comfort zone. What she stands for is incredible, she fights for her rights especially as a woman and what to do with her body, her voice and her power. Never doubt that. She’s super intelligent and her new interviews are very deep and detailed. Watch them. I’m curious to know other peoples idols and where they get their inspiration from like hair, style, motives. So I thought I’d share mine :)

[gypsydean]

Stop trying to please everyone....

This is something I struggled with a lot. I just wanted to be apart of something/someone as a friend that we were so United nothing bothered us. Just want someone to talk too, about genuine feelings, someone who actually wants to be around me and not temporary. But finding a friend that’s a girl is so hard because they’re always trying to be in competition for some reason and it never seems legit, never seems like you’re ever on the same page. I’m super old soul, all I loved to do was hang with my grandpa, go to bookstores, coffee shops (my fav) , go to thrift stores, bbq at home, watch westerns , work in the wood shop and just take walks at the park. My grandpa was/is/ always will be my best friend. He’s no longer with us, he passed a couple days after his birthday in 2020. My aunt was the only person I’d hang with growing up, but she passed away valentines a 2015. My sister left me May 16, 2019 and I just feel so lost. Ya know. I had a best friend since 6 grade, I love her a lot always will but things are different she has a beautiful family and we just kind of split apart, but I’ll always be here for her. Always. I don’t really have any girlfriends because girls are really mean, and it’s just hard when majority of girls are so focused on other things than actually being there for someone. I just want a friend... someone who I can text “hey you busy want to get coffee” SURE. Or come with me to the mall, or can you help me move my shit or come over watch a movie. But I get it, we all have lives we work, we ar busy, I guess it’s easier if someone is in my area. Lot of my buddies are dudes, I’m such a tomboy at heart. Love motorcycles love my dodgers and la kings, love wood shop, construction shit, music, being gay for my truck and what rig I want to do next.... I like this shit. Makes me happy. Until then, I will be solo and dining alone because it’s fun and peaceful.

[gypsydean]

Friends. We all have them.

Something I most certainly want to discuss is.. who are we surrounding ourselves by? Do you actually know them? Their good side , their steady, their BAD side , their insecure side?? Most likely majority of us never see the real side to our “friends” until you do something that upsets them or they no longer are in need of you. Know-the-fucking-difference. I’m just blown away by how naïve so many people are. I see a fake, I see an insecure/controlling and asshole when I see one. If somebody warns you about someone, like legit, be careful, take that as someone who’s been through this ride with this person. If it’s more than one person warning you, what does that tell you? I know it’s never appropriate to listen by “word of mouth” but some people are just completely mind blowing-ly fucked up. I had this chick, talk alllllll sorts of trash about me. I met her once, and I was as nice as can be, polite I even bought food and served her. She walked around like her shit don’t stink and had the nerve to talk loads of trash about me, when in reality the shit she was saying, really only related to exactly her as a person. I wasn’t phased because she’s a child and for some reason just absolutely needed attention and validation which is extremely unhealthy and I do wish the best for her, and hope she figures out what drives her to be that way. I tell you, any female who came across her she was completely nasty too, rude unnecessary comments about women and even to them about how they looked and they shouldn’t wear this, they shouldn’t wear that and “how much attention do you need”. It was crazy to know these things and know she IS that person she hates... but she made so many woman look foolish and feel bad about themselves when quite honestly, she’s no prize. I’m sorry. Looks aren’t physical, they’re mental and emotional and she lacked all of it. I can go on, and tell you just who she is and what she’s done and it’s rather disgusting. But what I’m getting at is, how fooled they have their “friends” to believe they’re good people, and they’re great friends but in reality you’re a terrible terrible person. People change, and that’s good. If she finds peace somewhere power to her for making those changes but I know one too many of these kind of people. They play the part and lie lie lie... and it’s not okay that people believe them. But you know what, these people are adults and they’ll figure that out on their own.... just a matter of time. Also, girls treat other girls they’re not threatened by like royalty.. have you noticed ? It’s a shitty place.....

[gypsydean]

Goodbye Grandma...

Today is Part 1, of saying goodbye to by grandma. I know people don’t see it as a loss like a parent or sibling, but it is... that’s where my mom came from where I came from and she was apart of all of me growing up. If anything I was closer to her and my aunt than my mother. Anyway... today considering Covid was only allowed 5 people to see her today Saturday February 20, 2021, and the burial is Monday Feb 22 where more family can join. I don’t like seeing anyone’s body gone... but I couldn’t let her go, my tears all over her .. crying... begging... but nothing I do any of us do, will bring her back, but I have to say she looked absolutely beautiful and peaceful for once. The way I last saw her before her passing was sad, broken, helpless and desperate to go. I know my grandma is at peace, but I am not, but it’s not up to me.... god takes care of his people and my grandma is up there with my Tia Chata and my sister Melissa and my grandmas sisters and brother.

Grandma. I will always always always love you, the love you gave me was endless and so full. The amazing Mexican food you’d make, the shirt of me you’d always wear, your constant “adonde Estas my Sammy”. Grandma always keep me with you, I lost my soul seeing you this way for the last time. I love you more than anyone can explain and it kills me beyond anything saying goodbye... life is hard and losing you made it that much more difficult. I have no words. So numb. You’ll always be in my heart forever and on. Te Amo Abuela... con todo mi corazon..... Maria Lidia Flores ❤️🥺

[gypsydean]

Hey there Delilah .... ❤️

My precious angel Delilah... I hope this will make its way back to you when you’re older... should anything happen to me or just life happen... I want you to know this...

The day you were born 04/20/2016, my WHOLE world just lit up something beautiful. My aunt had just passed 02/14/15 and my life was over when she left me... but god blessed my path with you and your beautiful mother Lorena who let me be apart of you then and forever. You changed my life and my broken heart forever.... your beautiful smile, your big eyes and your infectious laugh. Your mother is a beautiful, strong , amazing woman and I cannot repay her for the amount of love she gives me. She treats me like her daughter and I will forever love MY MOMa LOLO. Lorena, you are my world and everything higher, you always have me.

My princess you’ve given me such a big purpose and the fact that you always know who Sammy is and you ask for me everyday, melts me. We spent everyday together literally since you were born. I am so grateful you love me and count on me. You’re such a smart, beautiful little girl and when you’re able to read I want you to see this and hopefully you’ll understand just how much you mean to me. Your Sammy will ALWAYS be there for you and Dahlia (I got to name her!!! :).... you two are my precious babies for life and you’ll go so far, and I’ll always be right beside you two. Thank you for blessing me and loving me. You’re always my heart. I love you baby girl. You’ll grow up to be beautiful girls with beautiful futures ahead...

Love your Shammy