gunm1

[gunm1]

"I’ve always needed to be seen to exist. But now they don’t see me, and I’m still existing." "I am tired and I forgot how to have fun. I complain too much and I should keep it to myself, I’ve been told a lot the past few weeks. But the thing is that I can’t. I have an unrelenting ache and a never ending whine that must crank out of me like a tornado siren in the dark. That’s what’s been wrong with me the entire time, couldn’t they see? I’ve always needed to be seen to exist. But now they don’t see me, and I’m still existing."

I am a shitty person because I know they have and are still going through A LOT. But they are still here. They have family. They are rich. They own their own business. They have opportunities and a life most of us can only dream of. Yes, they almost died. Yes, their mom is not well and I want them to get better too. Yes they are a single parent and have mental health struggles and and and and....

I am a single parent of two. I have mental health struggles. I am not wealthy. I do not make movies or music or perform for a living. I do not get courtside Lakers seats next to celebrities. My rolodex is very light. I've had exactly one romantic relationship and that ended in divorce. I've lost people I've loved--some I was there when they passed, others I could not be with because of life. I have health struggles but I try my best.

I have multiple copies of TGI and really most of h's music catalog. I've bought Tshirts and bags and all kinds of their merch. I've been fortunate enough to meet h in person very briefly and see them perform live. I've sent them a letter and @ them on SM. They don't respond, but that's ok. I don't need them to see me to know I exist. But it would be nice. Especially when I hear them say stuff like this....💔

The early nights are confusing for the soul, but the forced retirement might do me some good. We went to a dance party. We were the youngest ones there and it was beautiful watching people a decade older than me find joy in nostalgia. I loved Anora. I miss New Jersey. I have been making Christmas ornaments by hand for my future family. I have been taking care of my mother. She has good days and bad. All of this in the few moments between the work and the work and the work. Confetti shot out of a Canon once the crowd already left the building. I feel as though it was all for nothing. It’s a dry, cold, itch. Maybe I’ll hide again until a tour when the sun comes back. Maybe I won’t make a sound. Maybe I’ll sleep. Maybe I’ll choose different this time with my restart to zero, my bonus life I pulled from a box. And pull from a box with a needle every 3 weeks. Maybe maybe maybe. Maybe I fixed everything so I could do this one thing again, without realizing that one thing was what needed fixing. I am tired and I forgot how to have fun. I complain too much and I should keep it to myself, I’ve been told a lot the past few weeks. But the thing is that I can’t. I have an unrelenting ache and a never ending whine that must crank out of me like a tornado siren in the dark. That’s what’s been wrong with me the entire time, couldn’t they see? I’ve always needed to be seen to exist. But now they don’t see me, and I’m still existing. Perhaps, problem solved. Regrettably.

[gunm1]

i hope their mom gets better soon. 😢

The early nights are confusing for the soul, but the forced retirement might do me some good. We went to a dance party. We were the youngest ones there and it was beautiful watching people a decade older than me find joy in nostalgia. I loved Anora. I miss New Jersey. I have been making Christmas ornaments by hand for my future family. I have been taking care of my mother. She has good days and bad. All of this in the few moments between the work and the work and the work. Confetti shot out of a Canon once the crowd already left the building. I feel as though it was all for nothing. It’s a dry, cold, itch. Maybe I’ll hide again until a tour when the sun comes back. Maybe I won’t make a sound. Maybe I’ll sleep. Maybe I’ll choose different this time with my restart to zero, my bonus life I pulled from a box. And pull from a box with a needle every 3 weeks. Maybe maybe maybe. Maybe I fixed everything so I could do this one thing again, without realizing that one thing was what needed fixing. I am tired and I forgot how to have fun. I complain too much and I should keep it to myself, I’ve been told a lot the past few weeks. But the thing is that I can’t. I have an unrelenting ache and a never ending whine that must crank out of me like a tornado siren in the dark. That’s what’s been wrong with me the entire time, couldn’t they see? I’ve always needed to be seen to exist. But now they don’t see me, and I’m still existing. Perhaps, problem solved. Regrettably.

[gunm1]

Netflix’s Daredevil

Warning, Spoilers Ahead**

Season 2 continues to explore the choices and consequences of superhero justice by introducing two famiilar characters from the Marvel Universe: Elektra and Frank Castle, aka, The Punisher. Each appear to represent the dark, uncontrollable side of human nature that Matt Murdoch must come to terms with. We find Daredevil both embracing the dark truth about himself--that he revels in the violence and chaos he is trying to bring order to--and also steadfastly committing to his own code of honor of not taking the damage he inflicts too far.

I enjoyed both the way Elektra and Castle were written, as well as the performances of the actors, Elodie Yung and Jon Bernthal.

Yung is pretty much spot on as Elektra for me. I particularly appreciated that Elektra came off as dark, selfish, and annoying at times. Yung gave Elektra both attitude and vulnerability as well as self-awareness of her flaws IMO. I was never really a fan of the character in the comics, so the liberties they took with her origin did not bother me. 

Bernthal’s Punisher is raw, animalistic, and like others in Hell’s Kitchen, able to dispense and absorb a superhuman amount of pain. I did feel like they wrote the character into a bit of a corner by having Frank end up having to make a deal with Wilson Fisk, but then I suppose there was no way to keep The Kingpin of Crime out of The Devil of Hell’s Kitchen’s kitchen for even a little bit of time. As Fisk noted, he’s “in for the long haul”. I’m now wondering if they do spin off Punisher into another Netflix series (and I’m guessing they will after this), that Vincent D’nofrio will continue to have to shave his head as the ongoing Big Bad of the Marvel NYC Underworld. 

On the other hand, literally, The Hand may be the kind of super villain that would require the need for a special team of superheroes to take down. While the evil ninja Nobu seems to have lost his head, it definitely looks like Elektra will follow her comic version’s basic storyline and be “reborn”. Perhaps as the main season 3 antagonist? It will be interesting to see where they go with this, because her “revival” took some odd turns in the comics.

On the home front, Foggy Nelson proves he’s really the only one in the whole show who’s doing any actual lawyering and ends up leaving the partnership to possibly consider a gig with Jessica Jones’ own Jeri Hogarth. It will be interesting to see if the character shows up in JJ season 2 as a way of introducing Daredevil to Jones.

Karen has also split off and become a real scooby, taking over Ben Ulrich’s job at The Bulletin (thanks Fox for hogging the rights to the Bugle). We realize that whatever she did prior to meeting Matt Murdoch may not be quite as shocking as we may have been led to believe as both Urich and her new boss Ellison know and don’t really care. I suspect it has something to do with her having to dispense of .380 justice of her own in the past, but I’m sure it was just a self defense thing. With Elektra dead, Matt is now free again to pursue her, so the final cliffhanger of the season is him finally revealing to her his secret identity. I like how Deborah Ann Woll played the moment with a look of almost breathless excitement, as if he was just confirming what she already suspected towards the final episodes of the season.

Overall, this was a much easier binge watch than Jessica Jones. The show felt paced “just right” for me, and I was seldom bored, even in the slower parts. Can’t wait for the next...

[gunm1]

I don’t know how I feel about this.

Dipper doesn’t know what to do when he walks in on his sister…

For Pinesongs

[gunm1]

i can’t believe the woodpecker fucking died